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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

His mother should've swallowed

999 replies

LouP19 · 19/08/2012 21:11

Is this title too rude?!!!

I appreciate everyone warning caution. Trust me, I'm using this place to rant and rave and swear and all that,... at the moment I haven't done anything. And even if I do manage to locate him (with some first class help!) I might not necessarily do anything with that information just yet. But I would just like to know, that's all, instead of driving round looking for his car all the time,.... Just this knowledge will make me feel a bit more empowered.

All advice on here is very helpful - the calm, the practical, the hysterical, the funny, the 'been there done that', it's all amazing and I value all of it. Smile

OP posts:
JustSpiro · 20/08/2012 15:59

So...he feels 'trapped, out of control & scared' does he?

Good.

FrankelSaysRelax · 20/08/2012 15:59

Well done Lou, keep the "chutney bucket" (my new fav phrase btw!) squirming.

And hurrah for your boss, have you considered asking if there are any full-time positions likely to become available in the near future? You mentioned potentially looking for FT work to help with the mortgage.

Original poster
LouP19 · 20/08/2012 16:00

I think he probably is trying to make me feel sorry. But I don't. If I feel sorry for anyone, it's me!

I think next summer I'm going to have a bucket and chutney party. All you wonderful people can come round with a bucket of chutney. I'll provide the cheese. Wink

PS Please also bring teaspoons,....

OP posts:
BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 20/08/2012 16:00

Oh no, he's feeling scared and trapped and out of control.
How utterly, perfectly fabulous!

AgathaFusty · 20/08/2012 16:03

He's trapped, he's out of control and he's scared????

How the fuck does he think you felt when he did his marvellous, magical vanishing act?

Nobber.

Glad you're smiling about it. Keep the happy thoughts flowing Smile

FermezLaBouche · 20/08/2012 16:03

I think you're spot on about his reasons for wanting to be at the scan. And seriously, what kind of specimen turns up at a scan hoping to hear it's not a viable pregnancy?
Vile.

juneau · 20/08/2012 16:07

I might even MAKE some chutney for a party!

He's really made a total pig's ear out of this whole situation hasn't he? He's got two women pregnant, abandoned one, doesn't seem very committed to the other, and is looking at a lifetime spent supporting one or both of them. I never really gave much credence to karma before, but perhaps there's something in it after all!

tara0202 · 20/08/2012 16:12

Grin at please bring teaspoons!

ForeverAutumnNow · 20/08/2012 16:13

Lou, you have me smiling, thinking of you smiling. You have got one helluva handle on this guy, and you know what, I think you have had for quite some time, without realising it. You suppressed any doubts you had about him, because he convinced you that without him you were nothing. That you were privileged to have him. You are proving him wrong with every day that passes, and now hes running scared. Expect the "I want to come back" call any day now. Hes already putting out feelers, by saying he wants to some to the scan with you. Keep your power Lou, by ignoring him.

Adamsapple · 20/08/2012 16:18

I will de-lurk for a party Grin
Ive followed this from the beginning, but had no good advice but I wanted to tell you how amazing you have been.
Congratulations on your new bucket and sponge not to mention car-wash, that makes you a strong independent woman - with a clean car Grin

stifnstav · 20/08/2012 16:24

Using a bucket and sponge is far preferable to driving through a car-wash. That is one hellish experience I won't be repeating any time soon.

OhDearNigel · 20/08/2012 16:24

I think it would be interesting (if you could bear to do it) to lead him up the garden path that a reconciliation could be feasible and see how he reacted. My money is that he would try to get back together the slimy, faithless worm

hevak · 20/08/2012 16:25

Hi Lou, I have been lurking since your first thread but haven't posted as everyone else seems to have such good advice for you and I knew I couldn't post anything more productive than a sweary rant about the useless chutney twunt

Chutney twunt really is quite something isn't he? Hmm You, on the other hand, are clearly one of the fabulous people on the planet! Grin I really admire your strength and dignity in these crazy circumstances.

Best of luck with the scan tomorrow and the solicitor later in the week. Fingers crossed BabylonPI comes up trumps with an address for chutney twunt soon!

Original poster
LouP19 · 20/08/2012 16:29

I now have my suspicions that they may be on the cards. i.e. he may try and worm his back by making me feel so grateful that he'll come back home.

ForeverAutumn, your comment about me having an understanding of him. I think you're right, I've probably always known him better than he has. And I've known something hasn't been right for the last few weeks. This has made me feel so powerless. Ironically I think I'm finding the strength now that I wasn't able to muster when he was living here. I'm lonely and I miss what he was, but I feel stronger at the moment most of the time. So I need to keep a hold of that.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 20/08/2012 16:29

Hooray, food-based party!

And good lord, but the man is spraying random crap out of his mouth now! Be mentally ready for him to suddenly get a bit nasty with the texts, I reckon. Sorry I know I am a right party pooper, but we've been here before with you regaining control and feeling more confident and then he blindsides/dripfeeds you something else...

KatieScarlett2833 · 20/08/2012 16:40

Found you eventually.

I think you are bang on Lou, about him wanting to worm his way back in. I think that's why he wants to come to the scan, to catch you at an emotional time.....

Too bad really, isn't it? Poor ol' chutneyfucker losing the amazing Lou. My heart bleeds......... not.

ohforfoxsake · 20/08/2012 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sadwidow28 · 20/08/2012 16:44

Checking into this thread again to see how Lou is doing!

Oh Lou, I wish I had been as wise as you at nearly-36-years old.

I had a comfortable, engaging, respectful, supportive and happy marriage that continued until the day my DH died 10 years later. (We had been together for 25 years - married for 20 years) I had to learn my wisdom so fast that it made my head reel. Different situations Lou, but we both have found ourselves 'alone'.

I was the strong, independent female .... until I lost DH. I was a formidible Auditor who took no prisoners.... until I lost my DH.

You have confirmed to me that strength comes from the "Inner You". So on another thread, I have been praying for another MNetter who is worried about a serious operation her DH has to undergo today and taking time out for myself to think through what I want with my life.

You are an inspiration! But can I borrow your parents????

I am a paid up member of Team Lou but wondering where BabylonPI is

AquaChoc · 20/08/2012 16:45

Lou, just me checkin' in from Down Under, you are doing so fantastically well! It made me smile to read about you walking to the Co-op, smiling, while Twunt sent his desperate little texts (and again its still ALL about him isnt it 'poor me, I'm scared, me, me ME!)

Best wishes for your scan tomorrow (well, here in Australia it already IS Tuesday) and I hope you get to see a lovely healthy baby with a tiny little heartbeat, and dont let that loser come anywhere near you at the scan.
This is YOUR day, to see your baby, to think, to reflect, to get information that you need, and to have time to make a decision thats right for you without HIS emotional blackmail.
Good luck with it all, and take some tissues, you may be a little shocked at how emotional it can be seeing that tiny tiny baby on a screen with a flickering little heartbeat, it brings tears to my eyes just remembering scans I had at 8 weeks pregnant (I am a mum of 5 kids aged 12, 10, 8, 6 and 3.5)

oh and pleased to see you are changing the locks, most definitely needed in order to protect your belongings and your peace of mind.
Must go to bed, its 1.43am Tuesday here, no idea WHY I am still awake, lol.

BabylonPI · 20/08/2012 16:54

I'm here!!! Don't worry, just over two hours until my mission begins Grin

garlicnuts · 20/08/2012 16:57

I could never see the baby on my scans Confused I think they're clearer now, though?

Lou, it's so good that you felt - quite rightly - rather pleased with yourself going to the Co-Op! You do know it's all going to be a bit of a rollercoaster but your common sense, humour and your lovely family & friends will shore you up. At down times, you'll be able to look at today's posts - and your nice new house/car stuff - and remember life is good :)

I've probably always known him better than he has. - I don't know if this was a typo. Even if it was, it's accurate. He's not in touch with himself at all, is he? We need a whole new word for ultra-delusional! Meanwhile, you knew him better than you may have wanted to admit.

That's coz you is a sane, fully-developed human being. Unlike someone else!

Great news that you boss is rooting for you, as well. Go, you!

CrazyChicken · 20/08/2012 17:21

Lou is brilliant to read that you are taking back the control in all this, it must be driving him nuts! Good luck for tomorrow xx

Abitwobblynow · 20/08/2012 17:22

trapped, scared and out of control, is he???? Yes. And he brought it all on himself, by himself.

Consequences are SUCH a bitch when you set out to use objects people for your own feelgood ego trip.

tuckingfits · 20/08/2012 17:23

I still find it horrendous that all his communication with you is all about him. I mean I know we know he isn't a decent man but to not even acknowledge the shitty situation he has left you in... And to consider that he has a right to attend with you after the scheming & calculated callous fuckwit bastard way he left you & stole possessions beggars belief.

I'm coming to your party btw. Is it ok to bring a toddler who will have his own bucket of (tomato) chutney?

loveisalaserquest · 20/08/2012 17:24

Yet another who is finally delurking to offer my support - there must be hundreds, if not thousands of us, all rooting for you.

What I have noticed, from his text messages and your posts, is how quickly your roles have reversed. His clinical, cowardly stripping of the house (and taking of the chuffing chutney) quite unnderstandably knocked you for six. He was in control, it was his choice, I imagine he even felt quite pleased with himself at how "easy" it all was. Now, two weeks on (has it only been two weeks??) his texts seem to be getting increasingly desperate, while your posts are more and more positive and funny - even if some of the humour is of the black variety! You have taken back the power and control, and you're doing BRILLIANTLY.

While I'm sure the next few months will be challenging and bloody hard at times, when you've been knocked sideways by something like this, to quote one of my favourite dance tracks from the late 80s, the only way is up! Your support network sounds brilliant, and I love the fact that so many people have come out of the woodwork to offer their support.

Anyway, no advice to offer... just a bit of a girl crush! Keep on truckin'! (And good luck BabylonPI!)