Ex - H just attacked me

[Hidinginthewoods]

I can't get hold of my BestFriend & had to call my DD's boyfriend to find my DD or BF
am on my own , 2 DS's upstairs aslepp.
Rang police- he's been arrested for drink driving
rang ambulance
cant stop shaking

Mmm... I wish I had £1 for every twunt that 'has no recollection' of committing a violent atttack on the current or ex dw/dp.

Wanting to have contact with the dc 'asap' is also a common phenomenon whereby said twunts attempt to minimise/trivialise/normalise their violent behaviour - usually to impress other relatives/solicitors etc.

My advice to you is not to fall for it. He knows full well what he did and the trail of destruction he left in his wake, and he needs to begin facing the consequencs of his actions sooner rather than later.

Turn this to your advantage; a man who has such a colossal lapse of memory spanning many hours is not fit to be in charge of dc until such time as he has been subject to clinical evaulation by a neurologist or pyschiatrist.

In any event, any decisions about resuming contact are not ones you can make without have sought appropriate advice from professionals such as sws, teachers, etc who are currently, or will be, involved in safeguarding your dcs' welfare and wellbeing.

I'm very pleased to hear that you have a buffer in the form of your cousin who you should instruct to see the twunt/his relatives off in no uncertain terms.

It seems that the twunt is formulating his defence and I could most probably draft his plea for mitigation now; lost his dw/dc/home, suffers from depression, acted out of character due to unfortunate combination of prescription meds and alcohol, broken man, deeply ashamed, doing utmost to make amends, blah de blah. You get the picture? The idea is to promulgate the theory that none of it is his fault and the poor diddums couldn't help it.

It would be a refreshing change if one of these twunts had the decency to fall on his sword; plead guilty and take his lumps without protest.

You've mentioned conflicting bail conditions. Could you please elaborate? And also state the wording of each charge that's been made against him?

If he has been charged as opposed to having been 'arrested on suspicion of', he will shortly be required to make an appearance in a Magistrates Court at whch time any confusion of bail conditions can be clarified and/or rectified.

If he's been 'arrested on suspicion of' he will have been released on police bail to return on a specified date to learn whether/what charges will be brought against him.

You need to put your hard-headed hat on, honey, as shock can cause us to react from a position of weakness rather than deal from a position of strength.

A steady hand on the tiller and the odd to steady the nerves will steer your ship through the forthcoming stormy seas of mixed emotions and tugs on your heartstrings as he launches another entirely different form of assault on you.

You mentioned having a social worker too due to your DS's needs. Put them on your call list too and get it recorded with her and ask for support.

If he can't remember anything why would he tell his Mum to phone you to say sorry? Sorry for what? He doesn't know what happened! The man is chancer! He has no remorse just trying to get off!

Do not engage!

Sea makes a good point to remember if you have to give evidence, that despite claiming no memory of the incident, one of his first actions was to instruct his mother to apologise for what he did.

It was clearly an attempt at damage control and one that would not have been advised by his lawyer.

Really excellent advice, I am as ever so impressed by how fab this place can be when people really, really need it to be.

So glad your cousin is there, too - it means that you can focus on healing and your kids, safe in the knowledge you have him there.

Take care of yourself. So many people here are thinking of you. xx

Oh, and you mentioned a while ago that you were concerned he'd hurt someone in the RTA - really relieved to hear that nobody was badly hurt, though some part of me is also a little sad that that means he's in so much less trouble. Obviously I don't want anyone else to be hurt, but as someone whose husband was violently mugged by strangers on the street, and saw them sent to prison for several years each over it, I do wonder why doing the same thing to your ex-wife is regarded as a lesser crime. DH was not their sole victim that night, but nor was he a woman in her own home, and one whose relationship with the perpetrator makes the crime more traumatic, not less. I really don't understand why a serious DV assault doesn't equal a mandatory custodial sentence, tbh. There must be some reasoning for it, I'm sure, but it just seems wrong. It should be that way for deterrent and exemplary reasons, IMO.

Please don't allow any contact until a family court hearing is able to order a supervised contact centre. Your kids need protection, and he needs not to be able to imply that it can't have been that bad, or you'd not have let him see the kids straight afterwards.

It's natural to grieve the very young man you used to know. Sadly I think alcoholism and any other addiction can be like letting a genie out of a bottle. Even if the person does get a grip on it and recover, they're different. For better or for worse, just not the same. That person died a long time ago.

Also, seaofyou I note that things have been very hard for you as well, lately. I'm really sorry to hear that and send you hugs and good wishes as well.

Hiding don't you dare be apologising to me for being 'self-pitying' - you haven't been that at all! I'm not trying to minimise the happiness that you shared when your marriage was good (I know it sounded like that, and I apologise), just trying to say to you do not in any way excuse, explain or minimise the seriousness of what he did. He may have been a good man then - I don't know anything about him or your relationship - but what he did to you is unforgiveable.

I am so impressed by how strong and brave you have been through this, even in the utter shock of it just having happened. I say again, draw on the strengths of your family supporting you and the MNers offering you support too. Whatever the reason he lost the plot, it is NOT your problem. Take good care of yourself and your children.

And what perfectstorm said.

Without wishing to disillusion anyone, the call you received from his dear mama yesterday morning is most definitely not one for you to remember should you be required to give evidence against him as you were not present when he instructed his dm to convey his alleged his sorrow to you.

In any event, any discrepancy between his lapse of memory and his message via his dm is easily explained thus: when he woke up in a police cell yesterdy morning, he had no recollection of the events of the previous night and, on being enlighted by police officers, his first thought was for you hence his instructon to his dear mama.

Naturally, he was filled with remorse causiing him to shed numerous tears; some of the crocodile variety in respect of attacking you'/pranging another car/driving while drunk and others of the genuine variety occasioned by his sorrow for himself at being caught bang to rights.

So many of these twunts miss their vocations as thespians but you can guarantee that only naive souls and doting dms are likely to be taken in by these calculated impromptu performances of ham acting at its most abysmal.

Keep the salt cellar to hand, Hiding, as it's likely you will need copious pinches to get you through the next few weeks while endeavouring to keep your sense of humour intact.

Fantastic advice from izzy on this thread (and others)

I have no advice OP but plenty of hugs.

Thanks perfect for kindness and I don't mean to alarm anyone but the red flags are flying high in a strong wind here! Hiding I really think if you hadn't bit his finger (this is also evidence he was there attracting you) he would not have snapped out of it and I don't want to say what could have happened with that bottle!

Izzy if Hiding does not disclose about the phone call (as call logged on her bill so evidence) ex can say he was not their and they then will say Hiding made it up! As it is his word against Hiding and can easily say she self inflicted! hiding you need to tell them everything! Even about biting his finger as her suffocated you!

Spell checker on iPad sorry attacking

Damage control and limitation is what criminal defence lawyers specialise in, Bogey and I wouldn't put money on him not have being steered in a certain remorseful direction

Your imagination is getting the better of you again, sea,

He's been charged with assault on Hiding; if he attempts to deny that he committed any such assault, Hiding can and will deal with that eventuality as and when it occurs.

However, the fact that Hiding received a call from his dm yesterday morning as logged on her phone bill/account is proof of nothing other than that his dm called her.

Thanks ladies x

MIL has just rung DD-
Court date in 2 weeks charged with 3 offences I put earlier.
Ex-twunt demands to see DS's tomorrow (no word to DD about her tho)

DD got upset with her ONLY Nan as she didnt ask after her/me Not so dear Nan said:
now you're just making stuff up to suit yourself;
Ex has been fine for weeks leading upto this
" your Mum and Dad really care about eachother & need to sort this out, there's an invisible thread binding them together that can't be broken"
he's DF will be driving him to work (40miles each way) from tuesday
he has an appointment with Dr tomorrow,
he's a lot brighter this afternoon

Can't repeat what I've had to say to DD, but time for me to be back in charge of this ship ( thanks izzyizin ) 1st mate DD has had a horrendous time last few days I have no intention of breaking her and will arrange counselling tomorrow- she can not make this better, this will not go away!

At last I'm getting angry (but my teeth really hurt and think they're a bit wobbly)

Good old projection from MIL there - you're right Hiding - time for your hard had and steel-cap boots (metaphorically speaking) in dealing with them and XH.

I hope the support and just being there from your cousin will give you all a boost too and help you with all the contacting of professionals for next steps and the longer term.

You are coping extremely well and counselling for DD a must.

Perhaps a good idea to get your teeth/jaw checked out - could be swelling/bruising or something more.

I pray for calmer waters for you to steer your family ship through. My thoughts are with you all.

Your DD needs to block her Nan's number, or at least simply reject the calls - it is staggeringly unfair to her, and to you, to be using her as a proxy.

I'm really glad your cousin is coming back. You need support.

Your ex can demand what he likes, and claim to have forgotten what he likes, but it doesn't change the facts that he was drink driving, left the scene of an accident and assaulted you two nights ago. I think his access visit with his dses can wait for a few years days.

Do not let him have your boys for contact until you have spoken with relevant professionals and put safety measures in place. He may feel desperate now and be panicking about what will happen to him with having these 3 charges brought. Letting him see the dcs right now is to bigger risk to take - even before the attack you knew he was capable of something extreme.

Your poor DD being emotionally blackmailed in this way.

Can you both change your phone numbers? He could contact you via email or solicitors, as could the inlaws if they had to.

Well we can see where his inadequate behaviour stems from...

Sea I completely understand that you just want so desperately much to protect another woman in your position, and that protective, mummy-bear instinct does you nothing but credit, but I do think Izzy has a point that Hiding needs to be able to calm down now and rely on her cousin, the police and her friends to help see to her interests. The great thing about lawyers, when they're good and motivated for the right reasons (and Izzy is here to help, as she's not getting paid!) is they are trained to take a step back, and be dispassionate. I think it's really important we keep offering Hiding support (and that you get it as well, you deserve it too) but that we remember it's a unique situation in that it's Hidings, not our own, and while emotional involvement can be great in terms of empathy and understanding, it's not always so great in terms of advice, particularly strategic advice. It's so hard to keep your own history out, at least I find that so, when threads on MN resonate with me.

The fact is that horrific as this event was, he's not laid a hand to her before, and she can implement steps to ensure he can't get access to her home again without the police picking him up first. And he now has so, so much to lose by trying that. Not least his liberty and the faith of his DM. He's been released and has not contacted her or come round, so there seems a good chance that he won't. He won't want to go to prison, after all. A solicitor will have trained him very carefully in what he needs to do and I am pretty sure that "no attempts at contact of any kind" will have been at the absolute top of the list, because it will look so appalling if he did.

Hiding, he can "insist" all he likes, but he can't actually force you to allow contact. He'd have to go to court for that, and it would take months before an interim contact hearing date, if you refused at the first one, which is to all attempts and purposes a conciliation one, and can't force anything. (I know this from a situation where contact was being unreasonably withheld, and it STILL took months before the hearing at which the judge was able to order it.) Given this history I can't imagine a judge ordering immediate contact anywhere but a contact centre anyway. Of course Izzy may know differently to that; I'm not a lawyer, so may be mistaken. But that's my understanding.

As to your MIL, my God. Words fail me. I understand supporting your son, but romanticising a relationship mere days after he has so brutally attacked the woman? If that invisible thread existed I hope you'd throttle him with it. I really hope you will now feel justified in insisting all contact is via adult relatives of yours and not directly. Your poor DD, and yes, I think you are right to feel it's time she now steps back into being the child again. (Again, her ability to be so adult in a crisis is, I suspect, because she has a mum who knows and understands that necessity.)

You are doing so well. Again, such great advice on here, I'm so glad you are getting that level of support. And IRL, too. You deserve it so much. xx

"Well we can see where his inadequate behaviour stems from..."

Ha, yes, absolutely, I was also thinking that nauseatingly self-serving sentimentality to rationalise the completely disgusting was apparently learned at Mummy's knee.

"He's just so in love his emotions get the better of his fists him! She couldn't get him so angry if he didn't love her so much! They just have a very passionate relationship!"

It's the 1.01 of abusers, isn't it. The ability to cast themselves as the romantic hero rather than the villain. In this instance, it seems his mother's helping with the script.

ToothbrushThief

oh you hit the nail on the head there:
her grandad left her a voice mail yesterday to ask did we have a key for Ex's as he needed to get the spare car key as Ex's car is in lay-by still

Didnt ask after any of us, only worried about the car they bought him last year as he couldn't get to work without a REALLY good car ( They asked me to pay them £1500 to buy his original car for my DD, which I did but I always felt somehow I'd bought HIM a car and DD had got their cast-offs)

He is a result of an over-indulged up-bringing no doubt about it!

Do I need mention he's an only child?

Plan is to find a solicitor and get something in writing tomorrow out-lining contact and conditions.

Ring DS s' lovely CAMHS nurse and I know she'll sort loads out for me, an absolute Angel she is

What do you think about my texting IL's now to insist they do not contact DD and put her in such a conflicting position? I'm really cross, they are alwys upsetting her they have constantly told her she's spoilt & lazy (which their own DS is but my DD is NOT) her entire childhood.

I've said to DD that she can resume contact when they learn to have a relationship with her and about them and her, that means no discussing Ex AT ALL !
I've been managing that with them since I moved from marital home 6months ago and its been better to have a relationship with just them (sometimes, she is after-all a typical judgy MIL ) I have known them since I was 15, without him in the picture we always have a lovely time together.