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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex - H just attacked me

389 replies

Hidinginthewoods · 17/08/2012 23:31

I can't get hold of my BestFriend & had to call my DD's boyfriend to find my DD or BF
am on my own , 2 DS's upstairs aslepp.
Rang police- he's been arrested for drink driving
rang ambulance
cant stop shaking

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/08/2012 23:33

Honestly, Hiding - I would have your cousin lay down the law with them. You don't want to start an engagement process with them and they are less likely to kick off with someone they know less well.

izzyizin · 19/08/2012 23:43

It seems he's been remanded on police bail to surrender to the Magistrates Court on a date set for 2 weeks hence at which time he will be asked to enter a plea. There won't be need for you to attend this hearing.

Clearly there can be no contact with any of the dc until such time as you have sought advice/opinon from concerned professionals and in that respect, he and his dm and any other of his relatives who seem to think that making unreasonable demands of you is the way to go, can go whistle 'cos you've got no intention of rolling over for them.

The needs of your dc are paramount and, should they ask when they're going to be seeing him again, I suggest you explain in an age-appropriate manner something of what's gone on and why they may not be able to see him for a while.

I don't know why anyone is making application to you for a key to the twunt's car. When he was released from police custody all of his possessions, including whatever keys he may have had on him when he was apprehended, will have been returned to him.

If he's lost his car keys, tough titty and he'll have to get a locksmith out. As for his df chauffering him to work each day, he's not lost his licence yet and there's no reason why he shouldn't drive himself, unless of course he's planning to stay on the booze morning, noon, and night.

If this is a misguided ploy to persuade a Court that he's been epecially responsible in not using his car until the case is heard, it could backfire on him bigtime - if he's got a ready chauffeur in the form of his df the Court may well take the view that it won't cause him any hardship to lose his licence Smile

An invisible thread that binds you to the twunt? I don't think so, honey, but just in case, here's a pair of scissors that'll cut any cord and cut through their crap with ease Grin

Hidinginthewoods · 20/08/2012 00:01

tribpot my cousin will arrive back tomorrow, due to my usual mis-guided way of not wanting to worry anyone - I let him drive 600miles back to his home town before my Dsis told him, he only visits 2 to 3 times a year but there was just the 3 of us kids in the family growing up so he's more an honorary brother TBH

He will be driving the 600 miles back in the morning Blush and has moved his flight, I will be leaning on him heavily as he's very level headed, and we are after-all his only family too.

Thanks for the advice, I will let him contact IL's as a lot of you have suggested.
Going to read in bed for a bit and see if I can drop off ( I usually do mid-sentence)
tomorrow is going to be a very long day I think.

OP posts:
Hidinginthewoods · 20/08/2012 00:03

izzyizin we found his phone in the lane outside on Friday night, so I dread to think where he dropped his keys, we didnt reply anyway, couldn't give a shit where his car is - he hit me.

OP posts:
myBOYSareBONKERS · 20/08/2012 07:36

ensure you are writing down the conversations and keep all text and voice mail messages. Are you able to record the phone conversations?

Hidinginthewoods · 20/08/2012 10:30

myBOYS yes I have all texts still going back years Sad
Not sure how I'd record phone calls.

DV unit rung this morning, I feel better knowing the facts & my rights and what will be happening next.

I must say the Police have been amazing, I haven't needed to spell it out to them when I said about DD's contact from IL's the PC knew exactly what to do, undertood thyis was contact by proxy and informed me of what I can do to prevent them 'harrassing' DD ( his words)

OP posts:
MysteryThing · 20/08/2012 11:28

Hiding I hope you got some decent sleep last night. Are you feeling less shaky and nervous now? I'm so glad your cousin is on his way down to you too.

Just Angry Angry for your DD being treated like that by her grandparents. How dare they spout such crap at her after she's witnessed the awfulness of what he's done to you! Angry

Were the DV unit or police able to advise you on the contact issue?

Thnking of you and hoping you're ok.

Hidinginthewoods · 20/08/2012 15:56

Thanks mystery
I've been to DR's- all injuries noted, given me sleeping tabs but advised to take with caution only if absolutely necessary for obv reasons. Also ref'd for x-rays.

Very panicky last night , totally irrational fears but have spoken with GP & a lovely lady spoke for an hour on phone from DV support & I know these will subside as long as I remain calm.

They've ref'd all DC'S for counselling/assessment in prep for any contact Ex may pursue, lady said it would have very strict conditions att'd if he is allowed contact, she feels a Judge may choose to refuse untill Psych ass'ment on Ex and after court.

Mil rang again & I had a brief chat with her and informed her that will be final contact til after Court/psych ass'ment, she spent most of the time crying and telling me how Ex is, I cut her short and said I dont wish to hear about him- he can rot in hell for all I care.
Hopefully she's got the message now sigh

So X-rays later on and made an appt with Solicitor tomorrow.
Everyone keeps saying how strong I am, well I'm coping but I just want to hide away and cry. Sad

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 20/08/2012 16:04

The fact you feel that way and aren't hiding away and crying, but taking the steps to get yourself and your kids in a better place, is WHY you are strong. If this were easy, you wouldn't need to be, would you?

So glad the police and DV people are being so great, and well done you for cutting off your MIL. She's enabling him and so is your FIL from the sounds. Not your problem any more, thank God.

I don't mean to sound trite or Pollyannaish, so forgive me if I do and please, please don't think I am underplaying how horrendous all this is - but you know, reading your old thread, he has been emotionally abusing you so badly for quite some while. This terrible, terrible incident has at least meant a line can be drawn, and the harsh facts of what he has become are so painfully apparent. There's no grey area possible now, and you don't have to second guess yourself and wonder if it's as bad as you think it is. It's so bad it is actually criminal. I know that doesn't make this event worth it, but perhaps it can be a small silver lining? It's the start of the beginning of a life free from abuse for you and your DCs, now.

Still sending much love. Still so very, very in awe of how strong you are being and how wonderful your dd is.

cestlavielife · 20/08/2012 16:04

you doing well, one step at a time...

and leave ex to his own devices.

stick to no contact with Dc until assessments done.

if DC desperate to see him ask SS or cafcass if there is contact centre that could be used in the interim.

struwelpeter · 20/08/2012 17:49

Re the contact: if you refuse then he has to take you to court for it. In many ways it is the easiest option as the decision of how, when and where is taken out of your hands.
Talk to DV support worker, SS and your solicitor. In a way it is easier for you to refuse contact until after he has been to court and get a solicitor to deal with things.
Once you end up in court for contact then all the police evidence etc will very, very likely lead to him having to have supervised contact. It may be that you can't get a contact centre unless it is court ordered as they like everything else are suffering from cuts.
Hope you are feeling a little calmer and can get some rest if not full sleep.
You are doing fantastically well Flowers for you and your DD

Hidinginthewoods · 20/08/2012 20:00

perfectstorm you are of course completely right, If I went back the full 25 years I'd find questionable behaviours throughout, however when you're 'young & in love' there's a lot of learning & compromise to be done in all relationships; I accepted his nuances as I accept those of my family & friends; however none of the latter have used that to their advantage, I see what he is now and I don't like what I see.

The lady today I spoke to helped me link and understand how his timing of all previous actions were for the greatest effect and that he used my vulnerabilities to manipulate me. She said this is because others would be putting attention from him to me and that would mean he'd lost control of how he portrayed me, others were beginning to support me and my confidence over-all was growing.

It really helps to hear it from someone else, I thought I was reading too much into things, there appeared to be a lot of coincidences:

My DM diagnosed with cancer - Ex suddenly suffers an illness that means he took to bed for weeks and stayed merrily in hospital for a weekend, no diagnosis made.

My DF diagnosed with cancer - Ex starts his 'friendship' as getting zero attention at home. Hmm

DF dies Sad - Ex withdraws all support & lets me struggle on alone

1st Xmas without DF & last Xmas with DM - Ex goes walk-about drunk as he's 'so unhappy' resulting in day being ruined

I find proof of affair and he leaves but wont discuss it with me for weeks.

DM dies Sad - Ex tells me & anyone that will listen that I'm not coping & he should move 'home' to look after me.

1st anniversary of DF's death - Ex attempts suicide

I wont continue, I'd be here all week but you get the picture Blush (and I do now)

On a lighter note, I have banished DD her BF & DS's to the park so I can get a bit of peace and quiet.
I have both doors wide open (neighbours are in their gardens, I checked 1st) music on loud & just trying to test that feeling of relaxation and assumption of safety I've always had in my home.
It's going well Grin

OP posts:
MissFenella · 20/08/2012 20:55

Keep going and stay strong x

IvanaNap · 20/08/2012 21:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

perfectstorm · 20/08/2012 21:06

Really, really glad to hear you're reclaiming your life again, and my "you are amazing" record is now needle-stuck! Wink.

Seconding the advice to let a court thrash out contact, while opposing it unless and until he is properly assessed as to risk by a psych (and I would also ask for a contact centre to be an observational rather than a facilitatory one, if that makes sense - one has trained workers who take notes on how contact goes and the appropriateness or otherwise of the NPR's behaviour, the other is just a safe space for non-resident parents to see their kids in a neutral setting).

Your DV worker sounds so, so good. Really glad you are getting that level of help and support. And so glad you are starting to see those patterns - sounds like he is a spoilt brat who can't bear not to be the centre of attention at all times, but my God, has he let you down horrendously, and for such a sustained time.

Hidinginthewoods · 20/08/2012 21:29

Thankyou struwelpeter , missfenella (lurve the name Fenella BTW) & ivananapxxx
(don't tell anyone I was quaking inside)
Plan for tomorrow: move bin from odd position against wall in garden as every time I catch sight from the corner of my eye I imagine it's someone standing there Hmm

perfectstorm I've read enough on here to realise my experiences thus far with DV services have been outstanding, this means either I am fortunate they've all been recently re-trained in light of new ways CPS deal with DV
or
My situation is a lot worse than I'm allowing myself to believe right now. Sad

I get your meaning regarding an observational CC for visits (as and when that begins), this would be perfect for me as he really does not interact with the DS's well, doesn't 'parent' them, maybe he could learn how to under their watchful eye as that would be great for my boys, a Daddy that played with them Shock

OP posts:
MysteryThing · 20/08/2012 23:04

Hidden I'm glad you're getting such great support from the DV unit and starting to join the dots with his past behaviour. What a fucking arse he sounds, behaving like that at the times you most needed his support. Angry I hope your MIL gets the message now and leaves you all alone for the time being.

izzyizin · 21/08/2012 06:04

Police response to dv can be something of a postcode lottery as can the response of the agencies that follow through after an incident has been reported. I think it's fair to say that you have struck lucky in your police force and also in being allocated a dv worker who clearly knows what they're doing and has already done so much to help you see the wood from the trees.

What you're doing is absolutely right - you're proving that you're not going to roll over for him or live your life in fear of a big girl's blouse unprincipled twunt.

I'm filled with admiration that you found the courage to open your windows - which, incidentally, will have caused a flow of air that will have removed any remnant of his unwelcome presence that may have lingered - and reclaim your home as a place of safety and sanctuary.

Going by your list, it seems likely that Friday's events were occasioned by him having extensively obsessed over your temerity in refusing his kind offer to 'return home' to look after you when you weren't, in his view, 'coping'.

I suspect this was the moment when he realised that you truly were out from under and he was not going to have opportunity to exercise control over you again, hence his ill-fated attempt to exert his authority by physically attacking you which no doubt seemed like a good plan to him after he'd necked numerous alcoholic ego boosters - and what a cunning little shit he was to assure you that he was sober when he called to invite himself over.

perfectstorm has alluded to something I've been pondering which is that, as frightening and as painful as your experience was and will continue to be, he's done you something of a favour because any 'invisible threads' that bound you to him have been well and truly broken and you are, indeed, seeing him for what he is rather than superimposing a rosy glow from yesteryear over his true character.

Even though it's very early days it's patently obvious that you're going to go from strength to strength. Although it may not seem that way when you get shaky moments caused by the shock of your ordeal and the strain of coping with the various ramifications of this incident which will only be resolved by the passing of time, don't ever doubt that you will grow and become infinitely more your own person as a result of this unnerving and unsettling experience.

I didn't expect him to hotfoot it to your place as soon as he was a free man but I suspect that mil's call yesterday is but the precursor of more pleading overtures which may turn nasty on a dime if you continue to abruptly rebuff them which, of course, is exactly what you must do to keep yourself and your dc safe and keep her and her dc away.

Plans for today: 1. move bin away from corner or leave it in situ and use it for target practice. 2. Encourage dc to take up baseball and leave their bats near the front door.

Well done, Hiding. Way to go Grin

ToothbrushThief · 21/08/2012 07:47

hiding -I'm not going to hijack with my story but I have v similar experiences to you including toxic in laws.

My major concern now is my DC

I spent yrs trying to do the right thing by him and the in laws. I should have trusted my instincts and left, or told the in laws to take a hike. I didn't in case I was being unfair or wrong. My best advice to you is to behave appallingly! Don't be reasonable. Be highly unreasonable, obstructive and strong. Don't take any more crap. Whilst your DC may struggle with aspects of that, one day they will recognise why. (I suspect your DD does already)

Bossybritches22 · 21/08/2012 08:15

Morning Hiding!

How's the aches & pains today.?

Lueji · 21/08/2012 08:36

Being in a somewhat similar position, I have taken contact to court, mostly to ask for exclusive parental responsibility, because otherwise he'll have just as much right of taking DS from school, for example, as I do.

Check with a solicitor about the children.

Otherwise, I'm offering contact every 15 days supervised or skype.

Regarding the ILs, once MIL accused me of being a bad person after I explained my reasons to her, I stopped justifying myself and don't contact them at all, nor do I trust them.

You are well rid of MIL and do stop all contact with DC is she is that poisonous.

Plus, you are doing well working on getting a sense of normality. Dint let him win this. :)

Hidinginthewoods · 21/08/2012 12:45

Aargh- just lost long post Angry

Will catch up & reply to messages later then...

X-rays this morning show no breaks, lots of swelling, ref'd to fracture clinic as nose wonky.
Cried all the way home, that hospital holds horrific memories for me.

Solicitors in an hour, wish me luck!

OP posts:
IvanaNap · 21/08/2012 14:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

ToothbrushThief · 21/08/2012 14:49

Good luck - you shouldn't have to be enduring all of this

ComradeJing · 21/08/2012 15:38

Thinking of you Hiding. Best wishes.

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