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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex - H just attacked me

389 replies

Hidinginthewoods · 17/08/2012 23:31

I can't get hold of my BestFriend & had to call my DD's boyfriend to find my DD or BF
am on my own , 2 DS's upstairs aslepp.
Rang police- he's been arrested for drink driving
rang ambulance
cant stop shaking

OP posts:
Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 18/08/2012 16:28

Huge hugs xxx

IvanaNap · 18/08/2012 17:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

MadamFolly · 18/08/2012 17:45

The police have a duty to protect you if he is let out but you might have to remind them of it. :(

Hidinginthewoods · 18/08/2012 19:44

sea of you I know Sad everything you said is true, I'm finding it hard to process. I've read enough on here and in books that the pattern he plays can only end in one or all of us dead.

Will read rest of posts and be back in a bit

OP posts:
Hidinginthewoods · 18/08/2012 20:00

perfectstorm your comment about my DD had me in tears, I am so incredibly proud of how she handles herself, all 3 of my DC's tell me how much they love me all the time. I love them far more tho.

Poor DD took me to police station at 4pm for further 'bruising' photos. Police were fab, all obv recently/freshly DV trained, and said he hasnt been charged yet and they will contact me if/when he is released.
Its now 8pm and I havent heard, can they hold him this long? Is it because there are multiple charges?

OP posts:
Bluepenny · 18/08/2012 21:37

They certainly don't release Drink-Drivers until they are completely sober - that can be as long as 24 hours after being detained. But there are 3 charges here so everything from paperwork etc has to be strung together for them and they probably can't interview him until he's fit/sober either about the RTA and the assault on you. I'm sure the DV Unit will keep you informed.

I hope the trip to police station wasn't too traumatic for you, but important the photos are on record. Was the bottle found in the end?

Your DD sounds a tower of strength and maturity and your DCs have a great Mum.

Bossybritches22 · 18/08/2012 22:47

I second the thoughts about your DD & her BF they are showing a maturity beyond their years.

You are being so strong, even if it feels like you aren't , honestly your quiet determination will see this man out of your life one way or another.

Take care.

seaofyou · 18/08/2012 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfectstorm · 18/08/2012 23:50

Hiding kids are not that together, savvy and mature at 18 unless they have been thoroughly well loved and exceedingly well raised. People can get there after a bad start; they don't get there in their teens! I mean it, you should be proud of YOURSELF for producing such a great young woman.

I think you need to get a definite assurance from the police that they will contact you to warn you before he is released, IF he is released. And what the attitude to bail is, too. (As in, are they opposing it when he is charged.) And will you be told when he's charged and what with, and when he will be in court. Because only a judge can give him bail after charging, not police (police bail is before, iirc).

Women's Aid may be able to offer you temporary respite housing while the immediate danger is there. Alternatively, have you friends he wouldn't immediately think of that you might be able to stay with? BF is a bad bet as he'd be straight round, but someone else? If he doesn't know where you are, he can't hurt you.

You're keeping it together amazingly. I am lost in admiration, here. Think a vat of icecream and some DVDs with your fabulous DD are called for. And bubble baths and plenty of sleep, too.

Take care. You're in so many people's thoughts.

izzyizin · 19/08/2012 05:33

The last thing you need is to have your poor damaged head buzzing with nightmare scenarios, hiding, so let's see if we can bring some light to bear on what's been happening behiind the scenes, so speak, and give you some calm reassurance and accurate information that will enable you to avoid any unneccessary knee-jerk reactions to your horrendous ordeal.

Firstly, I note that he rang his dm (your mil) yesterday morning, expressed himself as sorry for what he'd done to you, and may have asked her to pass this on to you.

If this is the case, it may be that he's had the wake-up call he needs but at least we know that he was awake and, presumably, compos mentis yesterday morning.

In the normal course of events the police cannot detain anyone longer than 24 hours without charge and it therefore seems that we can safely assume that he has been charged within this period.

After a charge or charges have been brought, the police have the power and the discretion to release him on bail or to remand him in custody pending an appearance at a Magistrates Court to enter a plea, at which time he can make an application for bail which may or may not be opposed.

If this/these is/are his first offence/s, please don't be under any illusion that 'keys will be thrown away' because in all probablility he will be granted bail, either by the police or the Magistrates.

It may be that the police have charged him with one offence, most probably drink driving, and are holding him pending a further charge or charges relating to his attack on you.

He will have had opportunity to consult a solicitor; if he does not have his own solicitor on call, a duty solicitor will have been made available to provide legal advice if he so requires/required.

It may be that the police will release him on bail later today and it is probable that conditions will be imposed. These may take the form of him being required to live at a stipulated address and not make any contact with, or approach to, you and/or other parties.

Alternatively, the police may keep him in custody until he can appear before the Magistrates which will most probably be on Monday morning. If the Magistrates grant him bail it is probable that similar conditions to the above will be imposed.

In any event the police should liaise with you and keep you informed when/if he is bailed. However, there is no bar to you calling the police to ask for an update whenever you choose/feel the need.

As dc were in the house when he attacked you, the police are obliged to send a report to SS and you may receive a visit from a social worker during the coming week.

If the police haven't done so already, they should/will refer you to a dv counsellor who will most probably be associated with your local Women's Aid service.

In addition, you may be given the contact details for a designated police dv or family liaison officer who will keep you updated and be available to answer any questions you may have.

Take advantage of all of the help that will be made available to you to safeguard yourself, your dc, and your home, and take up any offer of counselling services for yourself and your dc and, in particular, for your amazing dd - please tell her that she has the wholehearted respect and admiration of many who regard her as nothing less than a heroine.

As you've been identified as being at high risk of dv, if an offer is not forthcoming ask for a panic button to be installed in your home and for any additional items - extra entry door/window locks, pir lamps, sealed letterbox etc - that will enable you to feel safe in your own home again.

Bear in mind that, as you're not likely to unwittingly invite him into your home again, if he wishes to gain access he will need to break in which will give you time to call 999/press the panic button and it's probable the police will be on the scene before he's managed to pick/break one lock.

If this is his first encounter with the law, and/or the first time he's spent any length of time in police cells, this is likely to be a salutory experience for him and no-one that he encounters during the process will leave him in any doubt about the seriousness of the situation he finds himself in.

With regard to 'the police' having decided to prosecute, the fact that the CPS intend to proceed against him means that you are not in a position to withdraw either your statement or any charge you have made against him.

If your mil should attempt to inveigle you into 'going easy' on her son, you can in all honesty inform her that it is not in your power to do so and he will have to face the consequences of his actions by answering to the law.

Please don't let hysteria overwhelm you. The shock and the injuries you have sustained will make you feel very shaky for the next few days and it will take you quite a while to get back to a place where you feel that life is 'normal' again.

Be kind to yourself. Wrap yourself in a metaphorical soft woolly blanket or, better still, a real one and treat yourself as if you are convalescent - which, of course, you are; eat little and often and rest - lying down on a bed or sofa - whenever you feel the need.

As your bruises heal you will begin to feel that you can put your head above the parapet again without it being blown off - you'll get there, honey, one step and one day at a time.

After the above which is, hopefully, grounded in logic and reason, this may sound odd but you need to know that your dps are with you and they will not let any harm come to you.

You can talk to them as you've always done and hear their voices; let them be your sixth sense and know that they will always alert you to any danger that may threaten your wellbeing and that of your dc.

With luck your twunt of an ex-h is on the way to learning his lesson and you will have nothing further to fear from him but if he should have the temerity to overstep the mark again, rest assured that he will get his and you will be unscathed.

Hidinginthewoods · 19/08/2012 10:01

Thankyou again you lovely Mn'ers, your support has really helped (having to be super strong for my DC's) and this has been a good outlet for me x

Police rang last night, in-between my naps on sofa, he's been charged with assault, fail to stop at a RTA, & drink driving Sad
PC said he would let me know if/when he is released (Ihaven't heard anymore yet) and date of court case. PC asked me whether EX-H has contact with DC's, (he does on arrangement between us) & I had to name a 3rd party for Ex to see DC's with (in-Laws as no other family can care for my AS DS).

HOWEVER!!! as this is only an arrangement between ourselves do you think I should stop contact for now & see a Solicitor re official contact arrangements?

My main concern being In-laws will minimise this within days & I'm not sure my concerns will be listened too, I can't see them refusing to let him take them out alone IYSWIM if he asks. My Ex is seriously un-stable and I've read what you've all put and must agree, I've always thought he'd snap & they'd be at risk, they've already been at risk on contact visits from neglect & verbal 'abuse'.

We're all up & having Dippy eggs & soldiers for brekky, made by my DD's lovely BF (poor soul he must worry what he's getting himself into!)
Hopefully doing our day out today as I cant cope being at home all day, I dont feel safe here anymore at all.

Neighbours have both been told, 1 set did hear & thought I was 'messing around' Sad they know not to ignore any further incidents.

When my friend left here wee hrs Sat morn she passed Ex's car & there were 3 police cars searching it. Not sure if the bottle turned up or what else they found.

Due to DS AS we already have a SW/CAMHS and I will get onto contacting all our services (respite/after school care etc) can I ask that they dont pass on info? or do I need legally to do that?
All service providers are aware of Prev suicide threats/ alcohol abuse/ affair etc as are both schools.

Glad you all share my love of my amazing DD. She's been AMAZING the last 2 years (she even told me when she thought he was having an affair, that gave me the courage to investigate and find the proof) and is a real reason for me to remain calm and carry-on.
DD broke down last nite & I couldn't say much, just how I would've felt if my lovely DF had hit my Mum, how torn she must feel & how we will be starting from fresh again, again.
Sorry this is so long, I could write for pages (it's quite therapeutic isn't it?)
time tom ake a picnic and go play happy families for the day with the people I know REALLY love me for me.

OP posts:
seaofyou · 19/08/2012 10:35

Hiding...would you want your mentally unstable ex to be in charge of your babies? :(

Please do not allow this man who has lost it psyically with you causing injuries to be with your dc! Not now at this present time!

See a solicitor first thing Monday morning and ask for him to have full Mental Health assessment first and supervised contact at a contact centre due to you unable to face him as still in shock! (that is if they want to see him!).

Yes you can ask SS not to pass on info to school...but if they do a child in need or MARAC etc due to children being at risk they have to inform everyone!
It is best you let school know that ex not to collect dc...but if he has PR and there is no injunction then you don't have a leg to stand on as he has equal rights.

Was the neglect and verbal abuse recorded with SS in past? Because now SS may sit up for once and listen to you! Now you have been beaten up!
Makes me so Angry as SS and CPU never listened to me and ds disclosed abuse...but because he has AS it doesn't matter and I am making it up apparently! It takes for something like this too happen when they go too far for them to do something! It isn't good enough and for that I feel :( and Angry for what has happened to you...I am a few steps behind you in your experience...you should have been protected! Too little too late!

Glad you are getting away for the day and getting fresh air different environment.
Hope they do send him away, even if it is a stint at a Psychiatric Hospital to get the treatment he needs!

Bossybritches22 · 19/08/2012 10:59

Hi Seaofyou!

  • I know your past problems will be colouring your advice here but Hidings situation is slightly different and I think the calm approach Izzy advises is probably best not prejudging what might happen, we could all do that & we'd scare ourselves silly! Grin

Hiding WRT access I think you would be allowed to refuse access for the moment, just don't discuss it unless asked & seek legal advice first re injunctions & court orders. School will appreciate knowing the situation just so they can support you all but also if he DOES turn up although they can't legally refuse to handover the children without a court order they can delay the process while quickly ringing you to come.

Your SW will be able to advise & that is good that you already have dealings with them & are on their radar so to speak that makes it easier to speed things up.

Hope you have a nice day out.

seaofyou · 19/08/2012 11:37

Brissy - this ' I knew one day he would snap' from Hiding I so get it!
I'll butt out though as a bit PTSDish at mo due incident just 2 weeks ago! So obv over reacting as hypervigulent! Stay save Hiding x

seaofyou · 19/08/2012 11:38

Brissy ? Bossy sorry

seaofyou · 19/08/2012 11:40

save safe sorry not having a good day with iPad LOL!

whatthewhatthebleep · 19/08/2012 13:14

hope you enjoy your day out....it's a good distraction to be away from the house and being anonymous somewhere to allow you to relax some....
Hope you all had some fun and reason to smile...

MysteryThing · 19/08/2012 13:25

OP what a horrible nightmare for you. You've been given some great advice on this thread, particularly izzy's. Be very gentle with yourself and give yourself some time to recover from this horrible shock. Personally I would suspend contact with your DCs until some safety measures have been put in place, and make that official (I'm not usually in favour of involving solicitors or courts unless there's no other option, but in these circumstances I think it's vital).

Sea I'm sure you have the best of intentions but some of your posts must be really distressing to the OP who doesn't need further nightmare scenarios when she's already shaken and scared. As izzy said, can we try to keep it calm and factual?

OP your DD and her BF sound wonderful, strong and sorted young people. Draw on their support while you get your strength back. Have you got any friend or relative (I'm sorry to hear about your parents) who could come and stay fro a few days?

seaofyou · 19/08/2012 13:47

Sorry Hiding didn't mean to distress you trying to be proactive! I can see now as not so tired hyper alert !

bogeyface · 19/08/2012 14:00

I think you should withdraw all contact straight away. He isnt safe, he isnt normal and he isnt fit to be around your kids.

If he wants to see them then he can take you to court for access. They have a right to be safe, you must protect them from him. Dont allow your MIL or anyone else bully you into allowing him anywhere near them.

izzyizin · 19/08/2012 14:54

Of the 3 offences he's been charged with, the maximum sentence for failing to stop at a rta is 5-10 penalty points on his licence, £5000 fine and the Court has discretion to impose a driving ban.

When it's known how much over the limit he was, together with the exact wording of the assault charge, it will be possible to determine maxmum sentences for each offence, but it woud seem probable that the CPS have taken steps to ensure that the charges for each of the offences are those that will be dealt with by summary trial in the Magistrates Courts without affording him opportunity to elect for trial by jury in the Crown Courts.

If these are his first offences it's highly unlikely that he will be remanded in custody until a date of trial has been set or that, if found guilty, he will receive a custodial sentence.

If he intends to plead not guilty to all/any of the charges, it could be some months before the cases are heard.

It can also be that, if he is found guilty, the Court may ask for medical/social reports to be undertaken before sentence is passed.

It's to be hoped that any bail conditions will stipulate that he's not to contact/approach or otherwise have any communication with you and, in particular, that he is warned not to attempt to discuss the assault case with you.

Having read some of your backhistory, it's not apparent whether you have fully detached from him and, at one point, you were dispensing his meds on a presumably daily basis.

Needlless to say, if that practice hasn't ceased already, it needs to end now and henceforth you must resign yourself to leaving him to his own devices in respect of his alcoholism and other issues.

With regard to contact, I see no reason for you to instruct a solicitor in this matter and I would strongly advise you to place a moratorium on all contact between him and the dc until such time as, hopefully with the assistance of SS/other agencies, it can be arranged for any contact to take place under supervision at a designated contact centre.

This may not please your ex-mil but, frankly, her wishes or issues should be of no concern whatsoever to you when ensuring that your dc are safe while in his company, and you're best advised to trust your own judgement and pay her no heed.

You can stop your ex-mil in her tracks and see her off by simply telling her that, until such time as the outcome of any appearances he may make in the criminal Courts is known, you have been advised not to discuss either the case(s) or make any arrangements for contact with her, and that you're sure she'll understand that, in the best interests of her son, you're anxious not to do anything that may prejudice due process of law.

Under the circumstances, it's best that you don't have any face to face contact with your mil and that you restrict all communication with her to brief and factual phone conversations/emails providing her with information on a 'need to know' basis - as she doesn't need to know very much, it's to be expected that your contact with her will be minimal.

It's understandable that you are currently jumping out of your skin at every noise and feeling unsafe in your (new-ish?) home as it's barely been 48 hours since you were attacked and injured.

However, please don't rush to consider moving as a solution because it is likely that you will take any fear you may have of him attacking you again with you.

In addition, it may be in the best interests of the dc for you to stand your ground, make your home as secure as possible, and don't let him cause further disruption to your/their usual way of life.

The best way to return to normality is to carry on doing those 'normal' tasks you've always done to keep your show on the road and the dc happy, watered and fed, etc, but you should be prepared for it to be some considerable time before you fully relax into your own capable, confident, skin again.

Utilise all/any resources that will be available to you during the coming weeks and don't hesitate to seek advice from your GP if you feel in need of a little chemical support to cope with the day-to-day grind and/or with getting a sound night's sleep.

One practical step you can take is to discuss with your dv counsellor the advisability of applying for a non-molestation Order that will prohbit him from coming within a specified distance of your home - given your currrent circumstances, it's virtually a done deal that you will be granted such an injunction.

It could be that you'll be assured that his bail conditions will be sufficient to render such an Order unnecessary at this time, but IMO it's better to err on the side of caution as I have known cases where bail conditions have been rescinded at short notice leaving a gap in the security fence, so to speak.

It seems you've previously expressed a fear that he would 'snap' some day. That day was Friday. Now that he's snapped, we will turn our minds to making sure he stays snapped or, if he's put back into once piece, he stays mended and never places you in fear of him again.

There is lot to be considered in the coming weeks but, as previously advised, take it one step and one day at a time, honey, and know that however long it may take all will be well in your world again.

Hidinginthewoods · 19/08/2012 19:17

izzyizin really helpful advice, thankyou (even tho it made me a bit teary).

We have been out all day, very hot but had as much fun as I could force and obv DS's & DD & her BF had fun, tho DS with AS cried on and off but that's par for the course as he was over-stimulated in all senses!

My (male) cousin rang me, my sis had told him what happened and he wants to comeback and stay for the week to over-see things. He had been at mine til an hour before Ex turned up and lives abroad so hadn't told him as predictably I knew he'd canc his flight for Tuesday (he has) he spoke to me then DD and she asked him to come and take care of me as she's back at work tomorrow.

Cousin got in-laws tel No and has rung them. Ex -H is at theirs today, on bail tho seems some contradiction between bail conditions ? Ex asking to see DC's ASAP. Cousin will be helping me confirm what I can do re contact, DD has declined any contact but haven't told my DS's anything so obv they believe all is as normal.

Ex H is saying he has no recollection of anything Friday eve Sad
I wish I didn't, it's going to take a lot of help to stop the things he said ringing in my ears, even I'm minimising what happened as it seems easier to cope that way.

I ache all over and can't move my arm & neck much but apart from sore/red nose/cheek only a few scratches are visible.
I'm sure anyone looking at me would query my being so 'hysterical' about it all, but I know he truly flipped and I thank my lucky stars that in our prev happy marriage he was a quiet/gentle man and with no natural violent tendencies which made his attack on me light thank God!

OP posts:
MysteryThing · 19/08/2012 19:48

OP I'm really glad you have someone staying with you. That's a really good thing.

Can you 'phone the police and ask them to clarify what his bail conditions are? They should have notified you of his release and any conditions attached to that.

Please don't minimise this. He attacked you with your children in the house. He has no right whatsoever to see them, and you could be placing them in danger if you do so. Don't freak out with nightmare scenarios, but don't shove this away and avoid the seriousness of it either!

Your last paragraph seems really incongruous - if your marriage was 'happy' then why did it end with you feeling that he was likely to attack you? It sounds as though you are in shock at the moment. Please draw on all the support offered by your supportive family and don't for one moment try to explain or consider or excuse what he did. You are not being hysterical. He attacked you in your own home and his attack was not (as you've described it) 'light'.

Hidinginthewoods · 19/08/2012 20:01

mysterything sorry self-pitying moment.
We met at 15 and had at least 10 years of happiness, I miss that nice/gentle husband sometimes. This one is something else completely.
It was a violent and sustained attack I know

OP posts:
boredandrestless · 19/08/2012 20:01

It's Monday morning tomorrow. I would be calling a local solicitor with a good reputation in family law in the morning if you don't already have one, and ask for contact to be supervised. Your inlaws aren't up to the job, they would turn a blind eye if he asked to take them out for the day for example. Until his charges are brought to court you and your dcs need to be safe.

I don't believe that he can't remember, I think that's just a convenient lie!

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