Ex - H just attacked me

[Hidinginthewoods]

I can't get hold of my BestFriend & had to call my DD's boyfriend to find my DD or BF
am on my own , 2 DS's upstairs aslepp.
Rang police- he's been arrested for drink driving
rang ambulance
cant stop shaking

Oh sweetheart. I'm not surprised you are feeling like this now the hearing is out of the way. It will pass, and you will feel better, but it's going to take time.

I'm hoping you soon get The Anger back, Hiding. Obviously not healthy long term but I think a dose of The Anger would dry those tears and put you back in Muhammad Ali mode - float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

Among the many peculiar dementednesses of your ex MIL is the idea that you should be standing by your man. You separated months ago, didn't you? Your home is not his home, he's never lived there. His 'illness' is not your problem.

Hello
feeling less 'hysterical' today

On Friday eve DD went to see Ex to explain to him their relationship is over.
Fine - she's an adult, I trust her judgement etc
However ILs welcomed her with open arms/cups of tea/ dinner made, which is preferable to the treatment she's been getting from them.

It just made me feel really lonely, sad, excluded, abandoned.
Ex is getting 100% support from IL's/work; started counselling, having all his needs met...
& I'm left on my own, looking after ds's F/T- unable to go out without them, too messed up to go back to work, too scared to sit in my garden on a lovely summers eve.
and it just made me feel so sorry for myself

The idea that MIL has spread the word to her friends & family that I've caused all this just made me crumble.
So 2 days of non-stop crying for the loss of the life I used to have.

The angers not back yet & I'm still doubting my actions since the attack,
but, counselling is all booked for me & the DC's, hols next week (tho bad weather forecast) & looks as tho it could be another sunny day here so small steps and all that.
Thankyou everyone & hope you enjoy the day of rest x

Oh Hiding, everything you have just posted shows how he has hurt you. You have not caused this and it's not your fault. I know you don't believe it is but when you ILs act in this way it's no wonder you crumple a bit. The fact that you feel to unsafe to sit in your own garden in itself speaks volumes.

How brave and honest of your DD to front up to explain herself to her father. She didn't owe him that, especially after the treatment his family have dealt her. Please tell me that she didn't bend to the bribery of the ILs welcome!

The weather won't spoil your holiday. The change of scene will far outweigh any rain cloud that dares to raise its head. Pack the wellies and go for a stomp in puddles. Might do everyone some good.

You've been the victim of a horrifying attack, Hiding. Your attacker's apologists are trying to force the pace of change back to 'normality' because it suits them to believe this all never happened. But it did.

I think counselling will help you to know that in real life, as well as here, there are people who believe you. That you are not alone. And get your own story out there - you're not the one who've pleaded guilty in court, he is.

I'm doubting the ILs will be so welcoming to dd once they find out she has severed her relationship with their precious son.

Well you might not be feeling the anger at the moment Hiding but I certainly am after reading your post! It is very unfair indeed that he is getting all the support whilst you are afraid to sit in your own garden!

Please don't doubt yourself and your actions since he attacked you - you have done everything right. Your MIL is causing you as much emotional pain as your ex has caused you physical pain. Don't give her that power! She is in denial and supporting her son because that's all she can do, and I expect she's spouting this 'she drove him to it' bullshit to anyone who'll listen. But the key thing is that I bet those people will listen, nod and murmur agreement to placate her, and go off thinking (and saying) 'Oh so he couldn't help himself because of the nasty lady..? Couldn't help attacking the woman he professed to love in his children's home? Couldn't help drink driving and leaving the scene of an accident? What a fucking twat.'

I really hope that a holiday away from where this happened will relax you and give you some mental space. I think the counselling will really help too. You need to get angry again girl - he achieved his twisted little objective, didn't he - he invaded your home and he sullied it; made you feel unsafe and scared in the place that should be your sanctuary. At some point you'll be able to claim that back - claim back the home that you made away from him for you and you DCs and feel safe there again. It makes me so cross that you don't feel safe to sit in your own garden!

I'm sorry to say this, and as a mother myself I am a bit that the mother is always blamed, but from everything you've described, your MIL has certainly had a role in the creation of the spoilt, entitled, egocentric shit your husband has shown himself to be. She will always shield him from any and all consequences. I think you need to try to detach from her and your FIL in the same way you have your ex, because, very sadly, they are now abusing you emotionally.

I suspect the open arms was because they thought DD was coming round to their way of thinking. When they learn otherwise, they will, very sadly, be angry with her.

It's normal and natural to grieve for all that you've lost. But there really and truly is a much brighter future ahead for you now.

Have you asked for counselling? If so, any idea how long it will be?

Hiding totally understandable that you had a wobble.

Glad you are getting some counselling sorted & a holiday to look forward to both positive things that will lift your spirits.

Hope your DD was OK after the dinner/open arms welcome, must have confused her no end. Did she get a chance to say her piece? She is a fab girl.

Take care.

I'm an idiot - I just saw you'd got the counselling booked. That's brilliant, well done you. Also the holiday! Just what you need, that sounds lovely. Hope you get some lovely sun and relaxation in.

When you feel lonely, sad, excluded, abandoned remember ... your daughter has not excluded or abandoned you. She is just trying to reconcile relationships she thought she had with his side of the family. Losing a father leaves a hole. She's just waiting for that to heal and I suspect the iLs help that in some way.

Of course you are sad. You have endured a brutal attack from someone who should never ever have done that.

Lonely... try to get back to work :)

Never feel that MiL's story is the truth or will be believed. Canny people will suss things out. I think it's very easy when you have been a victim to feel that you are being punished after the event because invariably the offender (and others) try to minimise their behaviour by passing blame to you. It's a tough experience but will pass and the truth will out.

You will also find out who are your real friends

Reading all your replies helps me feel 'understood', I'm aware you only have my side of the 'story' but it's been good to have that re-assurance on here that I'm doing my best.

I did get out and about in the sun with my DS's this weekend & feel more positive today after lots of RL help -toothbrush you're so right, it's surprising to discover who our real friends are !

I do feel MIL brought Ex up all wrong, but I wasn't there for his childhood so can''t really comment on her reasons. We've discussed this in the past & she's admitted her mistakes in not making him more independent/confident but I've never 'blamed' her & always made encouraging noises instead about how hard raising kids can be (whilst bringing my own DC's up to think for themselves/be compassionate etc)

Another hectic week ahead but the sun's still shining here & it's time to put all this to one side & start getting excited for our holiday (off to Dorset).

Also imagining all the possibilities now MIL has declared me so powerful I can control others thoughts & actions!
I shall practice my new 'thought control magic' on any single men I meet & let you know how I get on

Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou all x

Oh Hiding good to hear you are feeling more you're old self today.

So glad you have this holiday to look forward to, hopefully the weather will hold for a bit to guve you sone sunny days, Dorset is lovely.

at you & the Mata Hari mind powers you sorceress !!

Could you use your thought control magic on my DS? He's 3, and tends to be, um, strong minded. In fact you should consider your options. With this power, you could earn a fortune! Or, you know. Take over the world.

There isn't another side to this. Nobody, nobody, can turn up at someone else's house and beat the crap out of them and have any justification whatsobloodyever. Full stop. Finito.

You are always going to be supported, listened to and reassured here, for the simple reason that you are the victim of an especially horrible and vindictive, spiteful crime. The fact that you are also a fab mother, and sound like a lovely, funny, kind and insightful person, is just a bonus from my point of view!

Hope the week is progressing peacefully Hiding & the holiday plans going well.

Definately a slight chill in the air today , maybe layers for the holiday & hope the Indian Summer returns to Dorset?

Thinking of you Hiding. When are your hols? Hope you're feeling ok.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Yeah, I'm so going to be drummed out of MN for that. And people think a hug is bad!

Oh well.

Noooo! It showed up perfectly in preview, WTF? One last try:

♥ ♥ ♥

At any rate Hiding, I'm thinking of you!

MN, you are sneaky. That is all!

It was a fluffy cat? teddybear with a heart on it's chest?

Nothing so clever, no! But if you type ♥ and then preview on MN, it shows a small heart. Sneaky previews, lying to me! How cunning is that? It's a rearguard action against hunning on the part of MNHQ, perhaps.

Oh well, Hiding, they say it's the thought that counts?

perfect

Just popping back to see how you're doing - I'm sorry your ex-mil is in denial. How pathetic. As others have said, remember that 90% of people she tells her version of the story to will be thinking 'erm, really? Since when was attacking someone acceptable whatever the situation?'
She clearly needs to think this in order to keep herself together - I almost feel sorry for someone who lacks self-awareness to that extent. Start feeling angry with her pathetic little attempts to justify her son - don't give her power over you.
You have shown yourself to be a strong, courageous woman and a good mother. We might not know you IRL but please know that you've got many, many people rooting for you here :)
Enjoy your holiday, get out in the fresh air, scoff nice food, maybe get DD to take the little ones of your hands four an hour so you can lock yourself in your nice clean shiny hotel bathroom and have a long soak with a book and a big glass of wine?
Keep us posted x

Thankyou for your posts, I have been reading, but have also been trying to get in a new routine & not dwell on things too much.

I've made my Victim Impact Statement (tues), not a great day, but very helpful as DD came with me & it's helping us acknowledge the situation as a whole, and share our thoughts.

Lots of solicitor stuff- divorce started (ex been advised), injunction to be requested on 25th Sept at sentencing.

DD & I had our nails done yesterday for our holiday, neither of us have had them done before - it was really fun !!!

DD & her BF left to get to our Hotel earlier this morning & me, my BFF & DS's are following on after school. Very, very excited

When we get back, after the sentencing, I'm hoping to draw a big fat black line under all of this. I'm nervous & excited about our future again, last night I looked thru all the pics I took of our house before we moved in & as we filled the rooms up with our pretties, I remembered how excited we all were to be starting again, how relaxed we'd all felt just the 4 of us.
I want to feel like that again & I refuse to let all this taint our future happiness!

I will be back after our trip, thanks again for all your help & support.

When it dawned on me in the middle of last year that just wanting & pleading for Ex to stop drinking wasn't going to work, I started to write a diary.

I read a lot on MN & on-line about alcohol abuse, the passage below was the 1st thing I found & is now the opening to my diary - summarising exactly how I felt & ultimately discontinuing my being a participating Co-dependent.

Co-dependents

• they were controlling because everything around and inside them was out of control.

Always, the dam of their lives and the lives of those around them threatened to burst and spew harmful consequences on everyone.

And nobody but them seemed to notice or care.

They have gone through their pain without the anesthetizing effects of alcohol.
The pain that comes from loving someone who's in trouble can be profound.

With prolonged exposure, you kind of get accustomed to this.

You are doing so amazingly. I'm also so pleased your holiday overlaps sentencing, so you're out of it while the process goes forwards. And you've achieved so much in these days! Amazing, again.

Have a lovely, lovely time. Have a nice glass of something with your DD, and toast yourselves from all of us MN rooting for you and your DCs. Hope the sun and rest is wonderful.