Ex - H just attacked me

[Hidinginthewoods]

I can't get hold of my BestFriend & had to call my DD's boyfriend to find my DD or BF
am on my own , 2 DS's upstairs aslepp.
Rang police- he's been arrested for drink driving
rang ambulance
cant stop shaking

Fuck me.

What an amazingly ignorant, deluded bugger she is.

So glad you have RL support, best wishes and strength for tomorrow and onwards.

Wow, Im still shaking my head in disbelief at mil!

Well, we know how she and her husband managed to breed this repulsive little excuse for a "man". Ugh, she is nauseating. From his "concern" meaning he had to call to ask if you were okay, to his not being able to remember anything at all, to it all somehow being your fault - and none of them has noticed the switches in that story? Or rather, stories, multiple? They should have frigging whiplash by now.

Good your family heard it all. And this ongoing harassment will go nicely in the VIS, too. Nice counter to his lies about remorse, in fact. I'd also get her and FIL added to the non mol via the back door as molestation by proxy using his DPs, as previously discussed? Hope your solicitor can help there. Ugh, just think, soon enough you will have these people out of your life FOREVER. Just imagine that. And he won't be allowed unsupervised contact for a long time - nor even supervised, without your consent, for many months. So they'd better damn well get used to it.

Now - new hair! New colour as well, I so approve. Just the confidence boost and spoiling you deserved. And the Chinese sounds yummy, too. I hope you have some nice treats lined up for the week ahead? It is so, so important that you're kind to yourself and do things you will enjoy over the forseeable. You deserve a lot of spoiling, and some of it should be administered by yourself. To quote that vile advert (and unlike the spoiled celebs spouting the line) you most definitely are worth it.

Is there a film you'd really like to see? I'm so out of the loop, with a toddler around, I've no idea if the summer drought is over yet. I miss cinema a lot - any recommendations, in fact, will be gratefully received!

Nice thought, ps but while it's possible to draft a pretty much blanket injuction against one individual, it's not possible to extend it to include a blanket embargo against their relatives/associates.

Instead of expending financial resources on numerous injunctions against named individuals, the smart move way forward would be for Hiding to ask the police to issue her stbexMIL with a police harassment warning which is a Draconian piece of legislation that I am vehemently oppoosed to should serve to shut her up curb her spreading her erroneous thinking to others forever

On the subject of cinematography, there's an oldie but extremely goodie you may not have seen, namely, 'Don Juan Demarco' which pairs Johnny Depp with Marlon Brando and is available on dvd for peanuts.

This film is the perfect accompaniment to a lazy afternoon reclining on a comfy sofa with a box of Belgian chocs to hand. It has some acutely observed comedic moments and is as upifting as it is thought-provoking. I think you'd find it an immensely enjoyable treat while your toddler's having a nap

Sorry the Chinese take-away did its usual job of sending me to sleep
Better than taking the sleepers IMO.

Just got school run to do then I'll catch up with posts & get onto my long to-do list.
Sunny here again, ( I'm trying to focus on positives today)

Morning Hiding -sunny day here too, lovely isn't it?

I'm having a washing /drying blitz while I can & then I can do the ironing in a series of easy bursts over the w/e. I tend to save it for when I have a film/catch up to watch makes a basket go quicker.

Glad the haircut/colour went well, nothing like it IMHO for lifting the spirits!

I think focusing on the positives is a healthy way to go, otherwise the MIL will get to you as well as her not-so darling son. Have you had a think about getting that caller ID box yet? Then you can just ignore the calls, let it go to answerphone & if you get any nasty messages they can be evidence if you go for a non-mol or equivalent against her.

A busy day ahead for you, but take a bit of time for YOU too, it's investment in your mental health & well being, for the DC's as well as yourself.

Take Care

< doha loving the routine >

I'm a bit shaky this morning so not likely to make much sense I'm afraid.

I've spoken to my solicitor- she has reassured me I am legally in the right to deny contact at the moment with Ex & his family.
Solicitor is going to speak to my VS contact on my behalf & they will agree what next steps are appropriate & get back to me.

And breath.

doha thanks for the singing I think you izzy & others are completely right; MIL has had to take this stance to enable her to support Ex & now believes her/his version of events.

To summarise the whole conversation:

It's my fault Ex attacked me.
I'm hysterical & over-reacting.
Ex pleaded guilty because he has no memory of attack/that eve which clearly makes him innocent.
Ex is very ill & 'too scared to be on his own or return to his house'.
I am to blame for her son being a nutcase & I should be a supportive wife because he is ill.

Fight or Flight is very keen today & Flight's winning....
.... the urge to pack up & disappear is over-riding everything else.

Oh Hiding :( you will get through this, you will

Don't let anything your MIL says cause you any distress, Hiding, because what comes out of her mouth is par for the course.

The lengths to which some will go to in order to wriggle out of taking full responsibility for their crimes in the hope that Courts will be lenient are the stuff of legend, but he's chosen a tried and trusted classic in his attempt to explain, excuse, and otherwise minimise, his appalling assault on you.

In a nutshell, on the night he physically attacked you he was undergoing a temporary aberration; namely, 12-24 hours of amnesia caused by the proverbial unfortunate combination of alcohol and prescription drugs or some psychosis of equally short-lived duration.

As the tale unfolds it emerges that he was taking medication due to the breakdown of his marriage having caused him great distress and emotional hurt/pain and financial hardship which was intensified by living apart from his dc (on whom he dotes/adores/loves with all his heart) and further intensified by the reluctance of his thoroughly unreasonable dw (on whom he dotes/adores/loves with all his heart) to reconcile despite having previously given him every indication that she was amenable to his frequently expressed desire for reconciliation as she can't cope as a single parent.

This paves the way for the 'fine, upstanding, member of the community having been brought low through the fickleness of his dw no fault of his own and who, despite having no memory of his conduct on that fateful night, is filled with remorse as evidenced by his entering a guilty plea to all charges at the earliest opportunity' speech.

I suspect that your MIL has not only fallen for it, she's been instrumental in embroidering the tale so that the gullible others see him as a man to be pitied rather than ostracised and whose only crime was to marry a scheming bitch woman who unaccountably failed to return the love he showered on her.

Thus MIL is able to look her neighbours in the eye maintain her position in society as a devoted dm and dgm whose only concern is for the welfare and wellbeing of her poor ill-used son and grandchildren who must be desperately missing their gps and df because their dm is unreasonaby determined to punish him by withholding contact.

The only question now is how many professionals he'll be able to con will support his version of events and whether the violins will soar to the sound of him having been admitted to a pysch unit prior to sentence.

FWIW, had he not committed 2 RTAs on the night he assaulted you, I strongly suspect his plea would have been one of not guilty.

As it is, he was caught bang to rights and he was appropriately counselled to enter a plea of guilty on his first appearance in the sure and certain knowledge that the sentence of the Court will be less than could be expected if he was found guilty after trial.

That said, in a recent case of common assault reported here the twunt put his dw through the ordeal of giving evidence and, on being found guilty, was given a conditional discharge which does not place any conditions on him other than to refrain from re-offending for a period of 2 years - if he is found guilty of any criminal offence during this period, the Courts will sentence him for his crime of common assault in addition to passing sentence in respect of any later offences he has committed.

I know you want to disengage from MIL Hiding & wouldn't do anything to change that as I think it's the only course but I wish you could show her the photographs of your inuries.

But then she'd probably say you faked them or did it to yourself wouldn't she deluded mare.

I can understand the Flight rather than Fight instinct taking over. Only understandable.

Just caught your spectacular routine, Doha

Love your colourful pom-poms - they're so cheery (no pun intended)

'And what injuries would those be, Bossy? Are you referring to the light scratches my ds's fingernails left when my dipso dil greedily snatched a wine bottle out of his hands causing him to lose his balance and find himself with no alternative but to clutch at her arms and neck for support?

I'll have you know that my ds has promised to have regular manicures in future so she'll have no cause to make false allegations against him again'.

Needless to say, MIL won't see any incongruity in accounting for events that her ds allegedly cannot remember

Spookily accurate I suspect izzy

My alter-ego is a fly on the wall, Bossy

She's a real piece of work isn't she.

Do not speak to them again. Do, however, get an answer phone and a caller ID which logs phone calls.

The more they call you, the better your case for harassment.

Shame there wasn't a tape recorder handy!

Izzy I suspect if you were you'd be like this and and at the convo you were hearing !!

Rowanheart a piece of work is far too polite quite right!

She has to say this. If sticking to her beliefs about her life and her son required it, she'd argue that you'd grown wings and flown ten feet in the air. It isn't about what is likely, or even possible - it's about the human capacity for denial.

None of which makes it any easier on you. I'm so sorry she is adding insult to severe and literal physical/emotional injury. But I'm afraid I think her son's belief that he's a unique and special snowflake is somewhat understandable, given his mother apparently shares his firm belief that other human beings are props in the grand narrative drama that is his life.

In other words they're a bunch of freaks.

Glad the solicitor was able to reassure you, and that they're all working together in an ongoing capacity to keep you and the kids away from this ridiculous melodrama. I also think the venom is because for the very first time you're outside his, and their, control, and they can't stand it. In a way, it's testament to how strong and clearsighted you have been and remain. You've started digging your heels in hard and refusing to keep to their script.

I do think you need to focus on things you enjoy doing, that make you feel proud, and that give you a buzz. I know this might sound daft but do you like walking? You mentioned you live in the countryside, and I find walks really soothing. Apparently there's research that says a walk in the natural world releases all kinds of stress-relieving hormones. (It's one of the reasons they are so keen on Forest School with kids, now.) Though wine, a bath and a good pulp fiction book can do wonders as well.

(Though I haven't the slightest interest in reading Fifty Shades of Grey. I think it sounds like utter shite. Don't tell anyone; every woman I know has a copy. They're even selling the sodding thing in our Waitrose alongside the aubergines. This weirds me out something chronic.)

Haven't managed to post for a while Hiding, nothing of value to add to the great advice you're getting but I have to agree that PS is right about the nature stuff. There's loads of research to say that in hospitals a view of nature (particularly calm pastoral scenes) and sunshine actually helps people heal. Heart bypass patients get out of hospital faster, suffer less pain and need fewer drugs. They think this is because the physiological stress on the body and mind is reduced. If it works in hospital I'm sure it'll help at home. Enjoy the sunshine and try to get yourself a few countryside views

Morning.
Sorry for not getting back on yesterday... all the tears came out, I've woken up with puffy eyes & still can't stop crying.
Will try & pull myself together, but am hoping this is just part of the 'healing process'
I took DS's on a walk after school (Fri) & am blessed with the most stunning views from all my windows, not helping today, but will get outside again & try & find something to focus on to get through this tricky period.

Sorry I'm not responding to individual posts, I have read them all & can't thankyou enough, but I'm really struggling to find reasons to carry on & miss my DM & DF so much

Hiding, just read your morning post and the first thing that came to mind was delayed shock, as well as par for the course / healing process. You also exposed yourself to the ILs which has dragged everything back up for you, consciously and subconsciously. Be good to yourself (particularly eating and drinking; a cup of hot sweet tea for a start as and when you feel a bit wobbly) and take things a day at a time.
I am eating rather stale tasting shreddies, in other news and wondering what to do with two little ones over the weekend. Think we need to be out and about - rainy week next week is it? x

Hiding, trust your tears to be healing you and try to accept they are natural. You have been so strong and, in addition to the terror of what that man did to you, you have been under bombardment from the ILs which you should not have been subjected to. It is time for you to feel it for a while. It won't go on.

It doesn't sound from everything you have chosen to share with us that you will let this situation be more than a step in a much more positive timeline. Let the tears come, and let all your fear and grief and sadness out. Tears are a great way of washing off your sense of hope. You're such a sensible and practical person I know you can make things better day by day.

Sending you a soft cushion of comfort as you risk allowing yourself to feel. I'm proud of you.

Oh Hiding...

I agree that this must be very normal and natural and again would suggest you look at counselling. You have been through a huge event and it is totally expected that this would upset your internal balance.

As Ivana said, be kind to yourself.

Hiding I haven't much to add to the fantastic advice and support you've been getting here, but just want to send you a big virtual hug and say sorry you're feeling so down today. I think tears are completely natural and a reaction to the betrayal of trust and love from people about whom you still cared (ILs). I agree that MIL is coping with this in the only way she possibly can - denial denial denial! She is utterly toxic to you at the moment, please please don't have anything whatsoever to do with her from now on. Get something official in place so that she can't contact you again and rake up all this pain and trauma.

You've been so amazingly strong throughout this horrible process; sometimes you're going to have to sit down and feel fragile and as though you can't continue. That's only natural. But you will feel better, you will pick yourself up and carry on, you will be strong for your DCs. I know you will, because from what little you can know of someone through a computer screen, your strength and courage shines through. Things will get better, I promise.

It's lovely weather here today, I hope it is where you are too. Can you plan a nice relaxed day out?

I think this down phase is as others have said entirely to be expected, to a great extent you have been running on adrenaline since it happened, and the need to just get things in place & talking to folks,sorting stuff out has kept your engine running.

When you are down like this you need your family around you and you have relatively recently lost your darling parents so I can see you'd feel it all crashing around you emotionally.

Is your DD around to take care of the little ones for a while today so you can have a bit of a duvet day? Snuggle up, watch a DVD eat crap & at some point a nice walk if you're up to it for some fresh air.

Don't worry about replying to the posts we all understand I am sure, just want you to know the support is still their.

Big hugs.

Thinking about you today.