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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex - H just attacked me

389 replies

Hidinginthewoods · 17/08/2012 23:31

I can't get hold of my BestFriend & had to call my DD's boyfriend to find my DD or BF
am on my own , 2 DS's upstairs aslepp.
Rang police- he's been arrested for drink driving
rang ambulance
cant stop shaking

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 05/09/2012 03:33

Hiding...All I can say is you and your family are an amazing inspiration. You're such a wonderful mother.

You've handled yourself with such incredible dignity in what I know is a truly terrifying time.

You're one Hell of a woman, lady. Thanks

ComradeJing · 05/09/2012 09:24

Hiding I'm still lurking on your thread. THinking of you and your DC. xxx

Bossybritches22 · 05/09/2012 11:23

Hi HIding thinkig of you today, hope you got the kids off to school OK, it'll be a relief to get back into a routine I have to say although I love the holidays!

Hidinginthewoods · 05/09/2012 13:52

Well, he gave a guilty plea....
sentencing at end of month.
Bail conditions have been 'removed by the court' - witness protection are clarifying whether that's an over sight or was discussed today.

I feel no different than I've done ever since the assault, empty and unable to see how to move forwards.

Thankyou for your messages

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 05/09/2012 14:04

Oh Hiding what are the implications of removing the bail conditions?

Get your solicitor on to that straight away if you are at all concerned & update your nice police DV liasion officer.

I've never understod why they have to go back for sentancing so long after the charge-understandable of there are psyche reports to get etc but then shouldn't they be made already?

are you OK though? Anyone with you?

Bossybritches22 · 05/09/2012 14:05

Of course you're not Ok I mean as far as you can be.

BCBG · 05/09/2012 14:34

Bossy because OP's ex has been convicted of DV, Probation can't prepare an on-the-day report for sentencing: depending on the area they will have asked for the usual ten or 15 working days to prepare the report. Hiding, I am not a solicitor but very experienced with DV courts and I am surprised bail conditions re contact have been lifted. Bossy is right: contact your solicitor and the IDV worker if there is one, but you should be able to secure an emergency non molestation order in the civil court (by going before a judge in chambers) as he has been convicted of assault and you are at risk. Normally you wouldn't need to in this situation, as the CPS can ask for a restraining order but this can only be granted at the end of proceedings - i.e. when the sentence is actually passed - so I suspect the bail lifting is an error, but I can't be sure.

Bossybritches22 · 05/09/2012 16:07

Thanks BCBG- I know....bloody silly though to waste the courts time isn't it?

Surely any/all reports that might help the case should be drawn up to present to court before /as the plea is made so the court can then sentence the same day?

Hope you get it clarified Hiding

Hidinginthewoods · 05/09/2012 16:13

Thanks, I've spoken to friends/family & feel a bit better now.
It's such a huge relief I wont have to defend myself in court. I was a bit stunned he plead guilty & said as much to DV/victim support- she laughed as I really was so shocked and I had to explain to her that this is the 1st time he's EVER accepted responsibility for ANYTHING.

OP posts:
Rowanhart · 05/09/2012 16:19

Hi Hiding. Sorry to hear about what's been going on. He really didn't have a choice pleading guilty so wouldn't give him any credit.

What did VS say about him contacting you? I'm so surprised to hear bail conditions were lifted.

Wondered whether it might be worth getting SS involved further? Contact the social worker involved and see whether they will order no contact?

Bossybritches22 · 05/09/2012 16:21

GOOD- his brief obviously hammered it home it'll be better for him if he pleads guilty. Hope he gets the book thrown at him though.

Are you OK got tonight, anyone with you? Is he back at the parents?

Hidinginthewoods · 05/09/2012 16:55

bossy I have no idea where he is Sad
He's not at his ( I have to pass on my way to do school run)
My DD will be here o/nite tonight, thankyou x

rowanhart I know he would've been advised on his plea but I bet he's still blaming me deep inside as we all suspect he's delusional,
VS just rang back and although quite incredulous bail conditions are unconditional they have re-assured me his probation will still cover him 'harrassing/assaulting' me further but she has concerns IL's will resume their campaign for contact & so have advised me to get an emergency Non-mol order ASAP via my solicitor.
Good idea about SS, I will get onto that tomorrow.
As yet he hasn't applied for a contact order but I assume that will turn up very soon... or would he wait til after sentencing do you think?

BCBG VS suspect Judge lifted Bail conditions because Ex pleaded guilty & hadn't broken bail con's so far... but they are as puzzled as me/us this is the 1st time they've had this happen.

VS & police asked what I wanted to do re Non-mol etc and I tried to exp that this assault came out of the blue so I can not be expected to try and 2nd guess what Ex is capable of!
I had hoped he'd be sentenced today so I'm a bit Hmm still

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 05/09/2012 16:57

I would go for the Non-Mol order asap, just to be sure.

And ignore the phone....can you get caller display? If not there are quite cheap little units yopu piggyback onto your phone so you can see who is calling.

Bossybritches22 · 05/09/2012 16:59

like this

Hidinginthewoods · 05/09/2012 17:17

Bossy I'll have a look in my house phone manual & see if it has caller Id.
VS have asked me to log ANY contact from him with Police as this can be used to support Non-Mol order application.

Also will he have his licence in the interim? It always amazes me that it's not taken off offenders during the process (I know innocent till proven guilty )

Off to cook (shove something in oven) tea, I feel so sleepy, sick and shaky, hoping tea will help and maybe a power nap while DS's watch a DVD.

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 05/09/2012 17:24

Yep one pot/tray dinner.....comfort food.

Maybe a little Wine later? You're in shock really I guess.

I agree about his licence. I thought they had to surrender them?

perfectstorm · 05/09/2012 17:45

I'm glad he's pleaded guilty, even if it is blatantly just so he gets a less severe sentence. Def. get an emergency non mol order, absolutely.

Nice hot bath, glass of wine and a comfort supper is called for, I think! And at least this is one more hurdle out of the way. You're bound to feel a reaction to all the stress, but this really is one step closer to the whole mess being over with.

ToothbrushThief · 05/09/2012 17:51

A bit of an anti climax for you I imagine which can be hard to deal with. You need time to digest this all. I hope you can relax a bit tonight

izzyizin · 05/09/2012 18:39

What's likely to have happened here is that the CPS were not expecting a guilty plea today as, even in the face of irrefutable evidence of guilt, it's uncommon for guilty pleas to be entered at a first appearance in the Magistrates Court.

From what you've said, it doesn't appear that the Court have ordered any reports, probation or otherwise, nor have they imposed any conditions of bail that place any restriction on him.

As it appears he's entered guilty pleas to all 3 charges and sentence has been deferred to a later date, he'll keep his licence in the interim and is free to drive whenever and wherever he chooses.

VS can suspect all they want as to why no conditions have been applied to his further remand on bail pending sentence but, effectively, he's been rewarded for being a good boy and 'fessing up thus saving the hard-pressed justice service money time and sparing you the ordeal of giving evidence againt him.

It should be noted that defendants who plead guity and throw themselves on the mecy of the Court are usually thrown a slim volume rather than a weighty tome that might knock some sense into them acts as deterrent as well as due punishment for their crimes.

As for VS's assurance that 'his probation will still cover him 'harrassing/assaulting' me further', as he hasn't been sentenced he is not on probation although, of course, his counsel will have had a word in his shell-like on the advisability of behaving in an exemplary manner until sentence has been passed.

The next hearing is a done deal in that sentence(s) will be handed down. In the absence of a trial, it's likely the CPS will allocate the case to inexperienced junior counsel who may not take issue with, or raise spirited objection to, any of the defence's heartwrenching violins pleas in mitigation.

When you made your statement to the police were you asked, or have you been asked at any time since by the police or VS, if you wanted to make a 'victim personal statement'?

Unless you have been invited to meet with the relevant CPS lawyer prior to the sentencing hearing, it would seem probable that this is the only way your voice can/will be heard in Court.

I mentioned earlier that it's not unusual for security gaps, as it were, to be left in victims' fences and I trust that your solicitor will make ex parte application for a non-molestation Order or similar injunction as a matter of urgency.

With regard to possible contact from him/ILs, maintain the line that you cannot enter into any conversation until such time as the criminal Court proceedings are at an end.

With regard to him making application for contact with the dc, I would anticipate that he may do so sometime shortly after the end of the current proceedings as I have no doubt that your ex-ILs will be anxious to sweep everything under the carpet see the dc during the festive season.

Please do not be under any illusion that this is the 1st time he's EVER accepted responsibility for ANYTHING.

No doubt the word 'sorry' will be overused feature in his pleas for mitigation; he'll claim to be sorry for what he's done but in reality he'll only be sorry for himself.

He's pleaded guilty as a matter of expediency as he will have been advised this is likely to attract consideraby lighter penalties than would have been incurred had he contested the evidence against him and been found guilty.

Regardless of whatever plea is entered, the harsh fact is the punishment that is meted out to violent offenders is rarely commeasurate with the punishment they have inflicted on their victims.

BCBG · 05/09/2012 20:24

I'm sorry to disagree with Izzy but recent legislative changes now mean that all courts expect pleas at first hearing, and so CPS will be well aware if a GP is expected. The court WILL have ordered a report: it can't sentence him when he returns without one having been attempted. He SHOULD have received an interim driving disqualification as he entered a guilty plea: I cannot of course guarantee that this happened in your case, but the CPS would be likely to appeal a decision not to impose an interim disqual as his insurance would be invalidated by reason of his conviction. I do agree that he will almost certainly have been advised to plead guilty, given the strength of the evidence, and as it is fair to say that he then receives a discount for a guilty plea, it may be said to be 'expedient'. Having said that, Probation are getting better and better at proposing a sentence that fits the offence. The length of his ban will be related to his alcohol reading, the RTA and his previous driving history, not his guilty plea. I DO have concerns as to why the bail conditions were not reimposed, but I can't second guess why that should have happened. Hiding, I agree with VS, you should apply for an emergency no-mol order immediately. His Community Order with Probation will not have the same power to keep you safe. You seem to be getting very good support from VS and the police, and your DD is amazing. I hope things all work out well for you x

Hidinginthewoods · 05/09/2012 20:48

izzy a quick clarification, then I'll read rest of messages...

When police rang me they said ex was 'remanded for sentencing on 25.9.12'

have I got this wrong? Does that mean he's 'inside' until sentencing???

VS didnt mention that (and surely they'd know) but I thought the word 'remand' meant no bail allowed and therefore there would be no reason for bail conditions would there?

I'm sure I'm wrong but I wrote down what they said when they rang word for word.

OP posts:
BCBG · 05/09/2012 20:51

No, he can be 'remanded' on bail or 'remanded' in custody... :(

Hidinginthewoods · 05/09/2012 20:57

thanks BCBG I just worried I'd got the wrong end of the stick.
It's very hard being the one who gets to know least about the proceedings.

I did consider doing a victim impact statement and will bring it up with Solicitor tomorrow, physically there has been no lasting damage but the whole trauma of the assault and the time since have really knocked me sideways Sad

OP posts:
FinallyFree1 · 05/09/2012 21:04

Hi hiding, it's lions! We're okay :) We made it! Thank you so much for the inspiration to get away from him. How did everything go today?

perfectstorm · 05/09/2012 21:12

I think victim impact statements are really important. We did one when DH was robbed so violently, as did all the other victims, and the judge made reference to them in sentencing. It seemed to matter, from that point of view. Obviously that's only one case but it can't do any harm, can it? And you can set it in context then, because tbh without that he can say what he wants and frame it as he wants and there is nothing you can say or do to rebut that. A VIS means your version of events is heard - as in, it was unprovoked, he invited himself over and promised he hadn't been drinking, it was out of the blue after escalating attempts to get you back under his thumb. You said and did nothing that was hostile or inflammatory.

Sorry to sound a cynic, but I think he will be claiming you and he had a huge fight and you said terrible things and he was so provoked he just exploded. And without any statement from you....