Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex - H just attacked me

389 replies

Hidinginthewoods · 17/08/2012 23:31

I can't get hold of my BestFriend & had to call my DD's boyfriend to find my DD or BF
am on my own , 2 DS's upstairs aslepp.
Rang police- he's been arrested for drink driving
rang ambulance
cant stop shaking

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 05/09/2012 21:15

Sorry, have just realised the magistrates (judge?) will have access to original statements. Ignore me, am a cretin.

But still think a VIS is v important in terms of the distress and fear caused.

Rowanhart · 05/09/2012 21:16

Although being in custody would explain no bail condititions. Hmmmm.
I'm not sure about the contact order but think likelihood is you'd be able to contest based on the fact he is now convicted of assaulting you.

Hidinginthewoods · 05/09/2012 21:33

finally so pleased you are ok, are you at your Mum's? I found your thread, I don't get much time now to read MN & was sorry to read you were having a hard time at home. Hope you & DD enjoy some freedom & space to grow x
Also been following Lou's (chutney)thread since the beginning but am in no position to advise anyone else on relationship issues right now.

Very grateful to all the lovely posters for supporting me on here Thanks

OP posts:
Hidinginthewoods · 05/09/2012 21:41

perfectstorm but the statement I made that night didn't take into account the after effects of the assault so I think a VIS is important, (you're not a cretin) as you said, it was totally unprovoked and out of the blue
and that's what's left me terrified & feeling irrational
not knowing why he did it or if he'd do it again

rowanhart exactly... but surely the VS etc would've said if he was in custody, and IL's would've been round here baying for my blood if their PFB had been locked up

OP posts:
izzyizin · 05/09/2012 21:44

The criminal Courts have always expected pleas to be entered, BCBG but other than for relatively minor offences, it uncommon for a guilty plea to be entered at a first appearance for the simple reason that it may have been only a matter of days since arrest and legal counsel may yet to be sought/appointed.

FTR, where no plea is entered by the defendant, a not guilty plea is assumed.

In the absence of any information to the contrary, it cannot be assumed that the Court has ordered any report(s) nor that any interim driving ban has been put in place.

Where defendants are previously unknown to the judiciary/police, it is customary for Courts to order pre-sentence reports prior to passing sentence but, in the absence of any information to the contrary, it cannot be assumed that the Court which sat today has ordered any report(s) nor that an interim driving ban has been put in place.

Given that sentence is yet to be passed it is premature to talk of probation/community orders and the like. However, the fact that he entered a plea of guilty at the first opportunity will further discount the eventual sentence(s) that is/are handed down.

Also FTR, a plea of guilty is not a conviction per se as only a judge/jury can convict after weighing up all of the evidence and finding the defendant guilty.

As Bossy has explained, a remand may take the form of being remanded on bail or remanded in custody.

If you didn't hear corks popping when VS called, Hiding, it's likely we can safely assume that he's been remanded on bail and is free to go about his usual business.

BCBG · 05/09/2012 22:22

Issy, if a plea of guilty is entered, a conviction is recorded. Each defendant is warned when plea is taken. CJSSS rules mean courts now expect a plea at first hearing CJSSS

izzyizin · 05/09/2012 22:32

If you work in the justice system, BCBG, you will know that targets set are not always targets met - as evidenced by the fact that Hiding's ex's guilty plea has not resulted in him being sentenced today.

BCBG · 05/09/2012 22:36

And you will know that a DV conviction cannot be sentenced on the same day unless the sentence is one of immediate custody.

ToothbrushThief · 05/09/2012 22:49

hiding this all sounds so stressful - I wish I could wite something soothing for you.

You do sound like the most well adjusted, kind, fair person going. no wonder your DD has been good (when she's not been being a distressed teen!)

BCBG · 05/09/2012 23:16

Hiding I think you should make sure you get RL answers to all your questions: call tomorrow and ask VS/your solicitor to explain exactly what happened in court. For example: is he out on bail? Is he on a temporary ban? Are reports being written for the sentencing hearing? Can you provide the sentencing court with a victim impact statement? And crucially, get advice on the non-mol order ASAP. Only your solicitor and Victim Support contact can properly advise you. I hope it all works out for you and the DCs. Signing off this thread now, but best of luck.

izzyizin · 06/09/2012 04:49

You were told by the police that they regard you as being at high risk of dv and you were told on Wednesday by the 'lovely lady from poice/witness support' that 'they will ask Judge to extend bail conditions to bridge gap till civil injunction in place'.

It would seem that there has been a failure in communication somewhere along the line and I would suggest you ask Victim Support what action can now be taken by the police/CPS to safeguard you until such time as a non-molestation Order can be obtained and whether there is an alternative to you having to expend your resources, financial and otherwise, on such proceedings.

Your solicitor can make an emergency ex parte (i.e without his knowledge and in his absence) application in either the County or Magistrates Courts but, as no doubt she has told you, if a non-molestation Order is granted the Court will set a date for a full hearing at which he can contest the injunction if he so wishes.

Although I very much doubt that he would be successful in securing the removal of such an Order, if he should contest it may necessitate you being in the same Courtroom as him either shortly before or after the date which has been set aside for sentencing in respect of the crime he has freely admitted committing against you.

It is probable that, in the space of some 7/8 weeks since you were violently assaulted in your own home, the Courts will have dealt with him while you are still in the process of recovering from the shock of his attack and you may find that this, in itself, adds to any feeling you have of 'unreality' in relation to both his assault on you and the situation you now find yourself in where the agencies that are assigned to protect you are, effectively, asking you to undertake your own risk assessment and seek your own remedy - and at your own cost if you are not eligible for legal aid.

While it is no doubt a relief to know you will be spared the need to give evidence against him in the Magistrates Courts, you may find this is something of a double-edged sword as you will not have opportunity to see justice being done, as it were, although, if so minded, you are free to attend Court on the date of his next appearance and sit in the pubic gallery.

Presumably, in addition to 2 road traffic offences, he has pleaded guilty to common assault and, unless he has been brought before one of the Specialist Domestic Violence Courts which you may wish to clarify with Victim Support, he will be but one of many who are dealt with by the Magistrates on a daily basis for this and numerous other offences contrary to the law.

Magistrates generally sentence according to the recommendations made in any pre-sentence reports they may have commissioned. Your witness statement should will be in the documents that are put before the Court prior to sentence, but this alone may not be sufficient to ensure that all present are purposefully reminded of the fact that his admitted crime of common assault caused physical and emotional injury to his victim.

Unfortunately, many victims of violent crime are left with the feeling that they are as much victims of the justice system as they are of those who committed offences against them and it is to be hoped that, after the excellent support you initially received, the system doesn't subsequently fail you.

Bossybritches22 · 06/09/2012 07:57

Morning Hiding- hope you all had a peaceful night,did you manage to sleep just a bit?

Good luck with getting some answers today- I always find however bad the situation is as long as I KNOW, I feel more in control & can make plans accordingly. Not knowing quite what's happening is a bit nerve-wracking isn't it?

Big hugs.

Hidinginthewoods · 06/09/2012 08:11

Morning
Yes got a bit more sleep last night thankyou (DD & her BF were here)

Very busy day today... lots more appts/tel calls but I have booked to have my hair done later Grin

Hopefully I'll know more as yesterdays news was all based on an e-mail from the court & today we should find out from the rep in court what is going on.

Lovely & sunny here, have a good day everyone & thanks for all your helpful advice.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 06/09/2012 08:13

Morning Hiding - hope you have a lovely time at the hairdresser and it gives you a boost. Nobody could deserve a bit of a pamper more!

I also hope you are reassured today, and the answers are positive ones/the steps taken from here are positive ones.

Bossybritches22 · 06/09/2012 11:24

Oh good glad you got some sleep, and a new hairdo will boost you no end !

Lovely & sunny here today too with just a hint of cool breeze which I love.

Doing loads of washing & have walked the dog, now going to have a coffee & play a bit on MN of solitaire Grin

Hope you get some clarity later on the situation soon x

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 06/09/2012 11:30

Just wanted to share some Thanks for you.

I don't really have any words of support other than my mum went through this when I was a baby and before I was born, so I truly empathise.

izzyizin · 06/09/2012 14:44

I hate twiddling my thumbs having my hair done but I love the lightheaded effect it has on me afterwards - running my fingers through my silken tresses, preening in front of plate glass in shop windows, and catching sight of my perfectly coiffed locks in an unexpected mirror Smile

I wish you similar joys from your new hairdo and hope that today hasn't been too onerous for you.

Hidinginthewoods · 06/09/2012 22:07

well I had a good day today Hmm, 2 hours of hospital tests to make me deliberately dizzy (on-going balance issues) a lovely colour and a brand new short hair-cut followed by an impromptu late lunch with DD.

Chinese take-away brought over by (reserve troops) lovely family tonight...

and then to top off a nice calm day...

another horrific phone call from MIL, the worst yet, so bad she put the phone down on me Angry

I know, I know, I will never speak to them EVER again.

Still shocked and shaky right now, will read thru & update properly in a bit x

OP posts:
Hidinginthewoods · 06/09/2012 22:38

Thankyou again for all your posts, it does help alongside RL friends & family.

MIL predictably assumed as bail conditions removed Ex was entitled to instant access.
I have literally spelt it out to her (again) that she has NO rights & that Ex has to apply to see children thru the courts & that will be considered AFTER sentencing & all relevant actions on his part have been taken.

She flipped big time Sad
Family in the room could hear what she said & it was threatening in tone & she made direct allegations against me.

MIL actually said " so you're saying none of this is your own fault"

& asked me "how is it all his (ex) fault?"

I am at a loss.

I don't even need advice from you, as everythings in plan for tomorrow as already discussed, I just need several broad shoulders to cry on & a nice cheery singing circle to make me smile again.

MIL actually wanted to put Ex on phone to talk to me Shock

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 06/09/2012 22:56

I know nothing about law, but can you not get some sort of injunction whereby your ex and his family are only allowed to contact you via your solicitor.

It cannot be right that you and your DD are subjeected to this (indirectly) by him.

izzyizin · 06/09/2012 23:03

Your MIL has bats in the belfry has been, and is, in denial about what her son has done and it's only to be expected that she should try to apportion blame for his alcohol fuelled violent rampage to you.

Obviously, you provoked the poor sensitive soul beyond endurance and now you have the temerity to refuse her what she considers to be her overriding entitlement to see the dc and make them available to him whenever it suits her.

Tut, tut. She may be long in the tooth but she has a lot to learn.

I suggest that if she should harass phone you again, you simply tell heinsr that if she anything to say to you she can put it in writing - and hang up but be prepared for her to go totally fruitiloops into overdrive after he's been sentenced.

I'm not up to speed on your plans for tomorrow, but will your solicitor be applying for a non-mol in the near future or have VS/police suggested an alternative?

I bet your hair looks lovely and how nice to show it off over a leisurely late lunch.

Sharksandfishes · 06/09/2012 23:06

Hiding, I have been following your thread since the beginning and although I haven't got any advice, I just wanted to say you are so brave and strong.
Your Ex-MIL - wow, just wow! How can anyone be so blind?!
Keep strong x

izzyizin · 06/09/2012 23:07

heinsr? Sounds like a name for a daschund cross Smile It should read 'her' - which is not Deutsch for Mr.

Doha · 06/09/2012 23:10

Hiding...
you made him drink...you made him crash the car and you made him drive off. then pf course you begged hin to beat you up. That's why he is entitled to see his Dc's now bail restrictions have been lifted.

This is how your MIL sees it. Her poor boy has suffered so mcu becayse of hos cruel wife.
SHE IS DELUDED AND AS BAD AS HIM.
The apple obviously did not fall far from the tree.
Please seek advice on how you can stop that family contacting you.

I have got broad shoulders but unfortunatly can empty a room at my attempts at singing..

Great at waving pompoms though

izzyizin · 06/09/2012 23:16

Self entitlement is clearly a family trait.

Now that she's been rebuffed by you, I wouldn't put it past her to attempt to see the dc out of your home, perhaps en route to and from or during school breaks, or to turn up on your doorstep unannounced.

Have the police organised any extra security your home such as a panic button or cctv?