Am I weird to love being alone so much

[BlissfulSolitude]

Mid 50s divorcee here, mum of DD aged 14 who want sot know this: is it strange, after years of trying to come to terms with who I am and what I need, to have concluded that I'm happiest doing things on my own (apart from being with close family that is). I have a great relationship with DD and adore my cat and dog but find being around people incredibly wearing and love nothing better than to be at home reading, thinking, writing, listening to music and pottering. I have a small handful of dear friends but can go months without seeing them, enjoy my work and get on well with most of my colleagues but find the incessant small talk unbearable. People seem to find me engaging and like my company but I just don't seem to want the same level of human involvement as they do, although I quite like being amongst people if I don't have to talk much. After years of being in unsatisfactory relationships, I'm not interested in finding a man.

All my life I've tried to move out of my comfort zone and become more of an extravert (I feel society puts a lot of pressure on us to be outgoing) and had to use alcohol and drugs to do this; doing anything social involved getting hammered and turned me into the life and soul of the party. But my drinking inevitably got out of control, I got into a lot of trouble and now I'm contentedly abstinent. Without drink I just can't face the thought of socialising but I don't really care if I never go to another party again. I've grown to accept that I'm an introvert and would love to stop beating myself up about not seeing friends enough or engaging in activities that don't centre on the life of the mind. But I wonder if this is healthy and whether I'm unusual and would really welcome some opinions. Thanks.

This thread has moved on apace since I was last able to contribute. It is very reassuring to read so many people who share my views about things. I don't think that I can respond to all of these, but two things, in particular, occur to me:

1. I was labelled 'shy' as a child and that label has blighted my life for many years. I believed it and over time became more and more worried about my lack of social interaction. This , in turn, led me to become more self conscious and, as a result, more socially inept. And so on, and so on... If I hadn't been labelled but just left alone to 'be' then I think that I might have always been quiet and reserved in company but I think I would have been much less awkward. The 'shy' label was a self fulfilling prophecy - I think that I am shy now.

2. I am of an age where the spectre of 'spinsterhood' was still a concept to be feared. ( I still retain a bit of that prejudice myself ). The thought of being an 'old maid' - never marrying, having a relationship or having children - was scarey. You were supposed to feel sorry for older women who weren't married.
   I really wish that I had felt that it was acceptable not to be 'coupled up' when I was young. That if I didn't have a long term partner that didn't make me a failure. It would have saved an awful lot of heartache and frustration.

The phone! I know people who have to answer every call. Even if it is interrupting a family meal or important conversation. I actually find it rude sometimes.

"One of the biggest problems I have always had is that I find it totally unbearable sharing a bed , not due to snoring type issues but simply hating it. This caused problems in my marriage and I have always felt a bit ashamed about it but never wondered why I am like this (loved sex btw) - anyone else like this ?"

Yup, another one here against bed sharing!

I put up with it for nearly two decades as no place I've lived in was ever big enough to have a spare room but it was torture.

Can't stand the whole 'cuddling to sleep' business, it's not a comfort to me and never will be, all those limbs in the wrong places, the breath at the back of your neck, the over-heating and the feeling of being trapped.

And the snoring, oh god the snoring, I'm really glad to be shot of that.

Even while still in my relationships I used to wonder on an almost daily basis which evil idiot had decreed that all adult couples should share a bed, lunacy!

I've always thought that the quality of sleep either party gets this way is far poorer than if everyone had their own space at night.

"this is what I feel..it's not that I dont like people, I do, I care about people, I'm very empathic, I feel other peoples feelings very easily.
But I only feel like myself when I'm on my own"

Nodding along to that very strongly too mercury7.

Werthers another one with a basically introverted daughter who wants to study psychology :) She has huge empathy for others, which I believe she gets from me as her dad is an out and out extravert who tends to think other people are mad if they don't agree with him/do what he wants (me included).

I'm really not surprised at the number of people on this thread; statistics would suggest that introverts actually account for between one-third and one half of the population but of course we're all too ashamed to admit that we're not out-going attention seekers who need to be around people all the time. We can out ourseleves here and be proud.

MBL another one who prefers modern comms technology - in fact I'd do away with my landline if it wasn't for the ageing parents who couldn't send a text to save their lives. Bless. Although it can be a bit embarrassing sometimes when I look at my mobile bill and see that I've hardly used any of my free texts/minutes.

Just seen this in active convos, read through and am currently having a lightbulb moment. I have spent the majority of my life feeling at odds with myself, trying to fit in to the world around me. I have always been drawn to/attracted to introverts and several of my oldest friends, ex partners and my wonderful dh are introverts. I have always felt like i'm trying too hard in grouos, yet others view of me is that of an outgoing and friendly, but this Is only after I get to know people, until I feel comfortable with people I really struggle, but I have always felt that I should seek out groups and socialise. This has, i know see, been at odds with my core being, and has probably contributed to the depression I've suffered for the past few years. I love being on my own, and doing my solitary things, knitting, reading, painting, walking (no dog, but desperate for one) and have always craved solitude, yet felt I was odd for wanting this. I did the personality test and it came back as essentially introverted with extrovert tendencies, as I have an odd impulsive streak that manifests itself in odd ways.

Lots to think about....but I can't zone out the beating of my hungry children (3 of t&em...how did that happen?) any longer, but I will be back.

Yes to so many things! Suddenly parts of my life are making more sense.

I remember as a kid, being in heaven, cosied up in my room with a book for the day.

Yet I always felt I wasn't popular enough, that I should want to be popular. But I didn't and still don't.

I love dinner out with friends, good discussions, nice wine and food. But I don't need loads of friends all the time if that makes sense.

Oops, bleating, not beating

BibiBlocksberg - Can't stand the whole 'cuddling to sleep' business, it's not a comfort to me and never will be, all those limbs in the wrong places, the breath at the back of your neck, the over-heating and the feeling of being trapped.

Oh, this. A thousand times, this. My DH liked to sleep practically in my nightdress with me until I explained that I just cannot sleep like that. I think that I should have a warning on my forehead " Don't come too close ". I really hate having my space invaded.

I love closeness, but cuddling to sleep, no!

My dh thinks I am cold towards him sometimes

"I love closeness, but cuddling to sleep, no!
My dh thinks I am cold towards him sometimes"

If I had a coin of any denomination for everytime that accusation has been thrown at me in (intimate relationships) I'd be typing this from the library of my Scottish Loch Side hide-away with the fire roaring and sipping hot chocolate

It always annoyed my bed partners that I just didn't want to be entwined all night and I was always completely baffled how anyone could not grasp the simple practicality of going to sleep without a siamese twin attached to them Absolutely nothing to do with not loving the other person!

Mind you, even outside of intimate relationships,everyone who knows me is familiare with 'Do not touch Bibi uninvited' - someone in an office I worked in a few years ago thought it would be a good idea to sneak up behind me and kiss my neck, well there were audible gasps around the room while everyone waited for me to hit the idiot :)

'A handshake is as good as a hug' my dear old mother used to say and I wholeheartedly agree.

Gosh this thread is awesome!

So I've known for ages (and accepted long ago) that I'm an introvert - but this from Bibi and MadBusLady has caused a MAJOR lightbulb moment for me:

Bibi: turning into an anxious, nervous creature in relationships trying to run around pleasing the other person all the time.

MadBusLady: That is definitely me, and I have always suspected it is related to the introvert thing, because I don't instinctively understand how to draw halfway boundaries, as it were. My natural boundary is about one inch in any direction grin. So in relationships in the past I have been inclined, on abandoning the one-inch boundary (which you kind of have to), to let the other person draw the boundaries on how I should behave and what I should do. Fatal if they're an entitled twat!

I have really, really become submerged in relationships in the past as a result of this, and lost my identity in them, because I don't really know how to have an identity that isn't "me on my own". I find it hard enough not being submerged by (highly autonomous, respectful, enlightened, introvert) DP.

Oh.My.God.

It has literally never occurred to me before that my complete uselessness at relationships could be related to my introversion. I've been single for more years than I care to admit - but (pretty much always) very happy being so - because I do not like the person I used to turn into when I was in a relationship.

I'd go from being a strong, independent, happy, at-peace single person and all of a sudden I'd become this blob of jelly on the floor the instant I started a relationship. Needy and insecure and "do you love me? How much do you love me? Do you really love me? WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME???" Bleagh. Makes me cringe just thinking about it.

Now I just can't be arsed, and to be honest, I have serious doubts as to whether I could actually live with anyone - or even be in much of a relationship at all. I'm just too used to my own space, and my own company. Although, I did read a thing in the paper a few years ago about married couples who lived in separate houses. I could probably do that!

Oh and some of you mentioned children - I have to say, I have always wondered how introverts deal with having kids. It would do my head in!

Wanders off to say hi to her cats in that single-for-ever, spinsterish fashion that she really rather enjoys

Hello, I too enjoy my solitary life.

I spent years feeling that I should be 'out having fun'... or 'doing' something as you can't just do nothing....but you can.

I just like 'being'. I recently had the best weekend in ages, I ate, sunbathed (live in Madrid), read, snoozed, did my make-up, went window shopping, sorted my wardrobe, made lovely meals, watched the telly and just chilled. On Monday I felt I'd had such a good weekend.

Materially, I do not have a lot but i'm content. I think i've accepted that i prefer a quiet life. I can't bear the thought of looking in my diary and having lots of social dates penciled in... that's my idea of stress even if its with friends. Ideally, one or two social engagement a week is enough!

I higly recommend Eckhart Tolle's book, The Power of Now.

I can relate to so many of you on this thread. I'm not shy, can strike up a conversation with pretty much anyone, am not scared of public speaking, like loud music but...only when I'm in the mood. Most of the time I prefer not having to interact with people and prefer the quiet of solitude, and much as I love my BF and love him visiting, I don't pine for him when he leaves. Pretty much all my fondest memories have been just me alone or with an animal rather than with humans. My preference is to live alone and be fairly quiet, and can only tolerate flashing neon signs and parties for a short time before being over stimulated and fed up of it. I find being in the company of chatterboxes draining after a while, yet don't shun company per se.

Phew, have been lurking for a few days, hardly ever post on mn (lurk a fair bit, but never feel I have anything to add to the discussion most of the time) but so much of this resonates I had to say "me too!"
what'sthehurrry love your idea of a cottage on the moors, and someone else said (forget who, sorry) about a Scottish lockside hideaway, sounds bliss, would love to live somewhere where you would have to drive to the nearest neighbour!
At school my idea of heaven was to spend my lunch hour in the library......
I have 2 DSs and hate the whole social side of motherhood, the small talk in the school playground urgh, I spend the difficult minutes in the playground when I feel I should be chatting to people buried in the kindle app on my phone
I'm another one who has found technology a boon, love the fact you can see who's calling and just not pick up, I regularly let the answerphone get it and will often text back rather than actually ring. As MadBusLady says, it keeps people at arms length. I have been known to attach the headphones to my phone and put them on but not listen to anything just so I didn't have to do small talk
Yes also to the dreading going out, hating getting ready etc. I don't go out often, but when I do I always have to force myself to do it and feel like cancelling all day.
God I sound like such an antisocial cow! But as others have said, I am fairly empathic - have counselling qualifications and used to work as a volunteer counsellor, I just much prefer solitude.
DH is much more of a social person, and we are often together but doing separate things iyswim - eg atm he is listening to an audio book, I am on mn but we are in the same room this is more often than not how we spend our time - doing separate things in the same space.

Oh and yes to the whole sharing the bed thing, we have reached a compromise and have a super kingsize bed, but I would love to have my own room to retreat to and shut the door.

Webweaver, I love being a mother but consider myself very fortunate to be divorced. DD's father is very hands-on and she spends half her time with him so I feel I have the best of both worlds. She seems to have inherited my introvert traits and we understand eachother pretty well parent/teenager! We've just had a lovely holiday together and most of it was spent reading our respective books in the French sunshine.

Can't be arsed about relationships either and the comments here have made me appreciate that I could never be myself when coupled-up and I don't want to risk "losing" myself again.

Napolean you've just described my perfect weekend. Also a lack of interest in material things is apparently a common introvert trait and one that we should be proud of.

I feel I've got more in common with everyone on here than with a lot of people who (think) they know me in RL.

'I have to say, I have always wondered how introverts deal with having kids.' Not always as well as I think I should or would like to if I'm honest. But I love them more than anything and I hope they know it. I struggle though it's true. I'm not too bad if I can have a bit of a break enen the odd half hour here and there but this holidays I've had no help with them at all and I'm terribly snappy with them now at the end of week 5

Re the phones thing - I used to dislike texting - thought it was rude and impersonal - used to run the youngsters down for conducting their relationships by text. Have now had an epiphany, and realised that as no one else thinks it's rude, I can actually do it to them. Win win for me - get hundreds of free texts per month, so saves on the minutes, and also, don't have to actually talk to anyone! Hurrah!

Pyjamaday doing separate things in the same space

We are currently sitting side by side in complete silence typing!

I have to admit, it's quite rare I end up regretting going out, although I too have to force myself. I think it does do me some sort of good, even if it's just the good of making me appreciate my preferred surroundings all the more.

Winegoogles you sound a lot like me.I'm not shy, can be very sociable when in the mood,can speak in public if required and have an outgoing persona I can switch on when needed.But only for so long. I love,need ,crave regular periods of quiet,space and solitude.
I have 3 DC's - young adults now - and have enjoyed every stage ,but was never the type of mum to throw the doors open to a houseful of other children at a whim.Hated hosting birthday parties if I'm honest.I actually always loved the school holidays as it was a chance to avoid all that school gates malarkey ,and as they were generally good playing together doing simple things like making a den,playing shops etc. it gave me chance to potter around .

Back to the phone thing we have one friend who is obsessed to the point of rudeness ( a lovely bloke in every other way) But out for a meal recently he simply wouldn't leave the thing alone.Checking it every few minutes.I had to sit on my hands to stop myself dumping it in his pint of beer!

The materialistic thing is interesting too.I am lucky enough to have a nice home, some nice possessions but I am not driven by acquiring things as some people are.Shopping is for when I actually need something.And my favourite retail therapy constitutes browsing in a book shop ( I hope they don't all close down!) and sitting for ages with a good cup of coffee and watching the world go by.I get more pleasure buying ingredients and making a lovely new recipe whilst listening to a good play,or some music than I do from clothes shopping.Although I can rise to the occasion and scrub up well when necessary!

I tend to keep myself to myself as well.

Yes I like the holidays. Not having to deal with the school run and birthday parties.

I have developed a strategy with my kids in that I give them lots of attention, for a while. I actually enjoy quiet sort of activities e.g. board games, reading, art. But then I will make a cuppa and expect them to leave me in peace for a bit of time which is reasonable for their ages. I think they know I need rest and quiet now and then and it is good they learn to entertain themselves. We do also do lots of interesting day trips.

I do find it hard at times but on the other hand, motherhood has appealed to my introvert nature. There is a sense of stillness and being, when it is just me and the kids in our own little world and no one else.

I too hate shopping, do not crave stuff. To me a new book, long candlelit bath etc are bliss.

I recently went on holiday to one of the most remote parts of Scotland. I did a day trip to the isle of Staffa. Just me (and a boat full of tourists who I quickly lost ! I sat looking down at the sea birds languidly going about their business, listening to the sea, taking in the colours. It was one of the most peaceful moments of my life.

Been out since posting feeling mighty relieved I am not the only one who likes to sleep alone

Out of interest how did that convention come about ?

Has anyone ever talked about this , very occasionally I mentioned it and met stony responses it really seems a bit of a taboo ?

rubberglove your holiday sounds amazing

many people seem to regard the marital bed, and co sleeping as something sacred and essential to the integrity of a relationship, as if some kind of special bonding happens while you are both asleep.

Maybe 'special bonding' does occur some kind of mystical spider web that binds you together??

if so it's a type of suffocation and I want no part of it :o