Am I weird to love being alone so much

[BlissfulSolitude]

Mid 50s divorcee here, mum of DD aged 14 who want sot know this: is it strange, after years of trying to come to terms with who I am and what I need, to have concluded that I'm happiest doing things on my own (apart from being with close family that is). I have a great relationship with DD and adore my cat and dog but find being around people incredibly wearing and love nothing better than to be at home reading, thinking, writing, listening to music and pottering. I have a small handful of dear friends but can go months without seeing them, enjoy my work and get on well with most of my colleagues but find the incessant small talk unbearable. People seem to find me engaging and like my company but I just don't seem to want the same level of human involvement as they do, although I quite like being amongst people if I don't have to talk much. After years of being in unsatisfactory relationships, I'm not interested in finding a man.

All my life I've tried to move out of my comfort zone and become more of an extravert (I feel society puts a lot of pressure on us to be outgoing) and had to use alcohol and drugs to do this; doing anything social involved getting hammered and turned me into the life and soul of the party. But my drinking inevitably got out of control, I got into a lot of trouble and now I'm contentedly abstinent. Without drink I just can't face the thought of socialising but I don't really care if I never go to another party again. I've grown to accept that I'm an introvert and would love to stop beating myself up about not seeing friends enough or engaging in activities that don't centre on the life of the mind. But I wonder if this is healthy and whether I'm unusual and would really welcome some opinions. Thanks.

Yep - on the few nights when oneor other of us is ill, and I go to the spare room "so you/I can have a good nights' sleep", try to spin it out for as long as poss - start imagining turning the spare into "my" room - certainly wouldn't be decorated like this. Remember jokingly saying this to someone, and her response was " do it - make it like a Moroccan soukh and enjoy it" - mmm - thinks???

Ha ha at mystical spider !

I ended up with my own room for the last years of being married , xhs drinking activities provided a very good reason but he never liked it. His parents have a tiny double bed and always like to tell of having slept in it with barely a night apart for 50 + years - shudders.

It was quite clear those who knew we had separate rooms assumed we didnt have sex which was far from the truth. The more time I live as a single woman the more I see how mired in set ideas most people seem to be and how in fact I was too as I felt uncomfortable about our bedrooms and used to wince if the DC ever referred to "Dads room" or "Mums room" in public.

It's a bit subjective. I think I have always been aware of being more startled by loud noises, more affected by pain etc than I "should" be. Being startled by a loud noise makes me feel, very briefly, shaky and like I want to cry, as if I have a tiny 2 second episode of PTSD or something! But as the scoring suggests, I think it is a sliding scale not a tick-box thing. So for some of them you are probably well into sensitive territory, others not so much. The one that leaves me totally unmoved, for example, is caffeine. In fact I probably have more tolerance for that than "normal".

Your DP. It's tricky innit. I am a bit of a tryer/faker too, and I do put myself out a bit to make sure an occasion goes well even though it causes me stress. It's hard to say where the sensitivity thing (which we can't help) ends, and the cussed awkward not-helping-yourself thing (which is a feature of character, and we can help it) begins. My DP can be a bit like that too. I'm fine if he says "I'm not enjoying this, can we do this instead/I need to go", but I find the sulking/snapping/glum expression thing really pointless and inconsiderate when I'm usually trying to overcome those feelings in myself. I have been in situations where I have just been totally overwhelmed, but I have extricated myself apologetically, and done what I needed to do (usually go and sit in the loos/car for ten minutes). The key is being willing to manage it, I think. If your DP isn't aware of being highly sensitive (it's not the kind of diagnosis that's likely to be appealing to men, I think) then he probably has no idea how to manage it. He just wants out of the situation, and lashes out.

Do you think he would be willing to manage it like that, make allowances for himself, build breaks into these activities - or even just apologise and leave without any bad feeling? Would it be worth him doing the test and/or reading the book?

Hope it helps! I think worth saying that my coping mechanisms help me stay calm and content in those situations, they don't necessarily turn me into a social butterfly. I do a lot of standing very still and pretending I'm in a bubble, but I'm quite contented and placid like that, not unhappy. Often I'm very happy to watch/listen, I just don't want to be in the thick of things. I think it can be done with practice.

"I think I have always been aware of being more startled by loud noises, more affected by pain etc than I "should" be"

Yes, I agree, plus I find I'm not able to block loud and repetitive noises as well others around me.

In fact, often I'll be the only person feeling really stressed with the piercing noise of a car alarm that just won't stop or a booming voice (at work for example) but when I mention it to others they usually shrug and say it doesn't bother them.

This thread is valuable in that regard as well, I'd seriously begun to wonder if some people were pretending they couldn't hear/weren't bothered by what sounds to me like a complete headache inducing racket just to wind me up.

Laughing at the mystical spider mercury7 :) - finally a reason for so many people putting up with night-time misery :)

Whoever said they get stony faces at the suggestion of seperate bedrooms, yy to that, it's like you've suggested something utterly outrageous

Also just thinking about how I cope when out and about and have to say that unless I have to get in a lift or spend too long in a massive crushing crowd then no-one would know outwardly that I wasn't happy to be in a particular place.

Inside I'm probably thinking 'oh god, let it end, pleeeease just let it end'

It just wouldn't occur to me to go around with a face like a slapped arse spoinling it for everyone else (that's not a comment on anyones post by the way just my own way of thinking)

I tend to tune out of conversation (i.e sitting sipping my drink with a friendly grin pasted on my face and randomly nodding) wherever there is music being played in the background (unless it's very quiet) because I just can't hear what's being said and get tired with the strain of trying pretty quickly usually.

Always been the same even as a teenager, completely mystifies me how so many people find it so effortless to converse with background noise.

I'm sorry I haven't had time to read all the posts on this thread yet, but I am SO happy I have found it!! I had no idea there were so many other people like me - everything I have read has sound so familiar to me - hooray!! I had a feeling of deep comfort reading so far, like that lovely feeling of sicking into a warm bubble bath at the end of a long day...

• does anyone else find weddings THE MOST exhausting things? it takes me 2 days to recover after going to a wedding - no matter how much i love the people involved. I used to think it was a hangover I was recovering from (always drink too much at weddings) but the couple of times I went to weddings while pregnant and couldn't drink...it still took me DAYS to recover - I realised it was a "people hangover!"

all that talking! for hours on end! and standing about! and then a disco! horrors! so thirsty! so cold! so tired!

(my own wedding was just as endless of course, but somehow I was QUITE happy about that!)

• anybody else have a sinking feeling when they are on the tube (or bus etc) and are just about to descend into a lovely book when you suddenly bump into someone you know and have to TALK to them for the whole of the journey? again, no matter how much you love them! i am very ashamed to say i frequently used to do a runner and switch carriages etc when i was getting the tube into work every day and wanted a quiet moment with my book and saw someone I knew...terrible behaviour

• "team building days" at work - enough to make me want to weep. misery.

• the best thing about going out in the evening and socialising? coming home again afterwards and reading my book in bed and knowing if have "done my bit" for a while and can stay in happily for a bit now.

• have a lovely DH who loves a good quiet bustle, and 2 wonderful boys but I do find the lack of headspace looking after children absolutely exhausting but I manage to have moments of peace and tranquility that make it all worthwhile.

x

I ptefer my own company as I cannot tolerate people judging me or criticisong me about my owb legal choices. Was chatting ti someone yesterday new and every five minutes she was calling me mad. She wont be seeing me again as it was meant as a putdown. I could have said that I cant be thay mad as my best friebd has never run off with my husband but that would make me as bad as her. How little untrue and unjustified digs make peopke feel better is strange to me but I wont be there when she feels the ned again. Her loss .

Oh gosh the weddings that go on all day /the chatterbox who yaps incessantly next to you on the 6am bus /the constant need these days for noise bloody everywhere !!!
I am so thankful to read all the stories here and now know that it isnt agrophobia or anxiety disorder or a weakness of mine . It is honestly so lovely .
Reading one of the books recommended all afternoon .
We all love reading dont we ? And have this rich inner life . And our choice of music to soothe or enliven .........our walks . I wonder what we read ?

I dont mind the sharing of a double bed though . The warm heavy body.... .even the snoring and farting dont bother me at all .

As long as it has four legs and a waggy tail of course .

Oh no, MountainsMove - i definitely wasn't passing comment on your DP's demeanour in situations he finds unpleasant.

Purely speaking about myself - I'm one of those people who are chronically unable to show when they're unhappy with anything while with other people.

I'm working on that but for now, the thought of actually letting any emotion show that might upset someone else is still a challenge.

Probably has a lot to do with why I feel I can only really be myself when alone.

Ah, my spiritual home (67% introvert according to the test). Have just whizzed through the thread nodding at all the sage wisdom and am embracing being an introvert rather than it being something to be ashamed of.

Interestingly, I have a career that demands much of 'me', so sometimes I do feel like a performing seal. I'd be fascinated to know whether some of you feel that way or whether you've found the perfect job that matches your personality?

Weddings - yes! When did they become such a marathon.Our nieces recently seemed to go on for ever.And the gap between the reception and the evening 'do'?I wanted to retreat to our hotel for a break ,but we got corralled into the bar with a load of people we haven't seen for years,and will probably never see again.Then the obligatory disco thumping out all evening.Add to that the meal the evening before and feeling obliged to stay up and chat, and the breakfast and endless goodbyes the morning after.Exhausting!
Call me old fashioned but 30 years ago got married at midday, had a lovely afternoon reception then cleared off on honeymoon leaving MIL to host evening refreshments for those who had travelled or wanted to stay on.Quite long enough I thought.Forunately my DDs already have alternative but lovely ideas for theirs if / when the time comes.

Have just sunk into the sofa and got the house to myself.Had a busy day working,then taking DD to her new student house, a quick city centre meal and busy motorway drive and DH has gone out.Love them all but so happy to have an hour or two of total peace.Only the sound of the dog gently snoring and the cat purring.Bliss!

I have found my people! I have always known I'm an introvert (INTP)

I have a lot of secrets, and no one person in my life knows everything about me. I like it like that.

I am quite young (25) not married or with kids yet. I do worry about how I will deal with that, being an introvert. I don't want in-laws in my life - I only want the person I chose, not their entire family and social circle. I would like to be married but would hate to have a wedding. I'm not sure how I'd do being a mother and sharing a house with people all the time and having to engage with them. I love children but because of this reason am not sure whether to have any. Although I'm happy as I am now, sometimes I worry that I will end up missing chances because of it.

Yes also to '"team building days"

Anything involving the words 'team' or 'club' or 'coffee morning' and and I'm off. I lasted once only at a reading group becuase I just detest being told what to read. I'm just not a group type of person.

I got married abroad with 13 guests.

If I'd stayed at home it would have been hundreds and it would not have happened. People staring at me all day

What a fabulous thread. Probably the best ever on the internet so thanks OP.

I identify so much with what so many of you are saying.

Looking back I was a very shy and reserved child and highly anxious - growing up in a violent, alcohol based environment coupled with a fear inducing Roman Catholic education did not help much I guess.

Performance anxiety has blighted my life and prevented me from achieving anything of great worth. I have managed to remain in work all my life, despite this horrible anxiety and bouts of depression.

I work on my own now and though it is a physical job, it is undemanding in that I know what I am doing and am good at it. I meet people but once my job is done, I can leave, with no worries.

I am highly sensitive to atmospheres and take on feelings of guilt as if I am somehow to blame for whatever is going on. If anything goes missing, I feel guilty!

I too sought relief from my teens onwards in alcohol and "speed" to assume another identity and to be able to cope with relationships and sexual intimachy though of course these took me further away from any such thing.

I have had loads of unsuitable partners who are in worse shape than myself. Lame ducks or psychopaths. Eventually I became pregnant and being a single mother responsible for another human being was the making of me.

I have so many anxieties and phobias it would take ages to list them!

It was only after I came to the conclusion that I must face being alone, that I finally found out who I was and learned to cherish and love my alone time.

As I sit here typing, the washing machine is on, but there is no radio, tv or music blaring out and I love it.

I do have a partner but we do not live together. He has lived alone for some time too so I think he has these traits too. We love being together but I can sense he wants to get back to being "him" too.

The only advantage I can see in us coupling up is financial and it may have to come to that, but I fear it greatly.

Just to add, that I still have a son living at home so I am not completely alone but I love being alone, musing, just being and pottering.

Hate going out, except maybe to the theatre or a meal. the thougt of going to a pub or club brings me out in a cold sweat. I find small talk irritating and love one on one conversations. As soon as another enters the scene I feel a bit uncomfortable.

Could go on but I think that's quite enough. Reading this thread has released me from my sense of being rather aloof and strange that I prefer a book and my cat to socialising!

It was a couple of months ago that someone pointed me towards The Introvert Advantage and I realised that I was a real introvert after a lifetime of berating myself because I should socialise more!.

Interesting to read of strip lights in supermarkets -a pet hate of mine and, imo, babies and small children, lying in their pushchair with the lights glaring down at them.
Also sharing a bed - I would so love to sleep separately, though DH would be most miffed. I'm also an insomniac (wake early and can't get back to sleep) so would love to sleep alone, then I can read, fidget, whatever when lying awake. Though he has started snoring occasionally these days so I might just sneak into spare room when desperate and blame his snoring.

But my worst nightmare is staying with friends/relatives. I sleep poorly, have run out of things to say by the second evening, struggle desperately to look positive and as if enjoying myself, when really I just want to be left alone. Plus my energy levels dwindle and days out are exhausting, then you have to be chatty etc when you get back. Awful.

i'm the same, cant cope with visitors or visiting!

Allofaflumble your post has warmed me to my very core :) So many similarities between us, not least a rigid R.C. education and upbringing. I too used booze and drugs to make me feel comfortable and was always assuming responsibility for other peoples' feelings.

You're another lucky one to have found a like-minded partner and that gives me hope that maybe it's possible for me too. But I really don't mind in the least remaining single. I'm going out for an early meal with one of my closest friends but really looking forward to coming home not too late and being able to read or watch a film. And then tomorrow is all for me and the dog :)

I do hope that somehow all of us stay in some way connected. This thread has been life-changing for me too and I'm so glad I posted.

Allo, are you me?
Without the live out partner , if you don't count a fantasy one.

I have been watching this thread and find it very positive for me.
I think I am suffering with social anxiety though, and I am also a happy stay at home introvert.