Am I weird to love being alone so much

[BlissfulSolitude]

Mid 50s divorcee here, mum of DD aged 14 who want sot know this: is it strange, after years of trying to come to terms with who I am and what I need, to have concluded that I'm happiest doing things on my own (apart from being with close family that is). I have a great relationship with DD and adore my cat and dog but find being around people incredibly wearing and love nothing better than to be at home reading, thinking, writing, listening to music and pottering. I have a small handful of dear friends but can go months without seeing them, enjoy my work and get on well with most of my colleagues but find the incessant small talk unbearable. People seem to find me engaging and like my company but I just don't seem to want the same level of human involvement as they do, although I quite like being amongst people if I don't have to talk much. After years of being in unsatisfactory relationships, I'm not interested in finding a man.

All my life I've tried to move out of my comfort zone and become more of an extravert (I feel society puts a lot of pressure on us to be outgoing) and had to use alcohol and drugs to do this; doing anything social involved getting hammered and turned me into the life and soul of the party. But my drinking inevitably got out of control, I got into a lot of trouble and now I'm contentedly abstinent. Without drink I just can't face the thought of socialising but I don't really care if I never go to another party again. I've grown to accept that I'm an introvert and would love to stop beating myself up about not seeing friends enough or engaging in activities that don't centre on the life of the mind. But I wonder if this is healthy and whether I'm unusual and would really welcome some opinions. Thanks.

mercury7 'I love my kids but i found being a parent very difficult, crushing and overwhelming, the frenetic natures of young children, the weight of the constant demand made me feel anxious most of the time.' Omg I could have written that I thought it was just me...

I love my own company but dont get a lot of chance with my five year old dd. She is the biggest extrovert going and we certainly wind each other up.

Do all you introverts find you attract extroverts though? I seem to be a magnet to them.

I think I probably do have a sense of humour etc and get on ok with people generally. I like people but only in very small doses and a little of them goes a long, long way. I'm always finding myself in situations where people (friends?) want more from me than I want from them by miles and then I'm pushing them away and feeling invaded and resentful.

Bibi mentioned turning into an anxious, nervous creature in relationships trying to run around pleasing the other person all the time.

That is definitely me, and I have always suspected it is related to the introvert thing, because I don't instinctively understand how to draw halfway boundaries, as it were. My natural boundary is about one inch in any direction . So in relationships in the past I have been inclined, on abandoning the one-inch boundary (which you kind of have to), to let the other person draw the boundaries on how I should behave and what I should do. Fatal if they're an entitled twat!

I have really, really become submerged in relationships in the past as a result of this, and lost my identity in them, because I don't really know how to have an identity that isn't "me on my own". I find it hard enough not being submerged by (highly autonomous, respectful, enlightened, introvert) DP.

I dont find I attract extroverts..the look on my face when someone is behaving in an extrovert manner is enough to discourage most people :o

madbus I can relate to what you are saying about feeling submerged in relationships, I could never cope with much togetherness, I quickly feel as if am losing myself and would always get as much alone time as possible.

Break up of my first marriage was triggered by my husband deciding to work at home more, I just couldnt handle it and I left

Basset you do know I'm an old bird too don't you? 55 in 3 short weeks but hey, I find getting older gives me a kind of freedom, freedom to be exactly who I am and really please myself. I'm not particularly interested in being attractive to men anymore (and this was always a huge driving force) even though I always try to look nice and take care of myself and am in fact in better shape than I have been for years. But now, it's for ME.

MBL this really resonated "I have really, really become submerged in relationships in the past as a result of this, and lost my identity in them, because I don't really know how to have an identity that isn't "me on my own". I find it hard enough not being submerged by (highly autonomous, respectful, enlightened, introvert) DP". It explains a lot about my past behaviour, which I always put down to being clingy and insecure. That might have been part of it certainly but I can now see that I was scared to be myself in case the other person (and I have tended to be with extraverts) intepreted my desire to be alone as lack of interest.

Re-read the entire thread again and it's quite a revelation.The last couple of years have been an emotional roller- coaster for me.Probably not helped by being another 'old bird' in my mid 50s and realising now my mood swings have been partly menopause and a reaction to some tough times.
Reading all the posts has been a lightbulb moment. I have spent all my adult life trying to be something I'm not.Three key relationships are with very sociable, outgoing people.My mum,my brother and DH are like heat seeking radars seeking out company and new people.Somehow I think I have always felt there way was right and they were 'nicer' people for it.I now see there is no right or wrong - just different.My mum and brother in particular can be critical and forthright in their opinions.My DH actually 'gets me' much more and wouldn't want me any other way as deep discussions have revealed.That's a relief!

My DHs kindness and sociability has also been his downfall at times in that he has been very gullible and too trusting at times.And I think Werthers mentioned phones.Don't get me started! he got himself in a whole lot of mess due to his pathological inability to not answer the phone/ respond to texts.It has caused problems in the past we run a business from home and he used to find it impossible to let the answer machine pick up, whatever unreasonable time ,if we were eating or busy.We have reached a compromise.And it sounds a small issue but it really used to stress me out that at 10 o'clock at night when finally unwinding with a film and glass if wine he had to be so damned available, whereas I felt it was a massive invasion of privacy and downright rude!

I have quietly resolved to not feel guilt, to compromise up to a point, but to be true to myself and stop trying to change myself to fit in with others definition of 'normal'.Very liberating mentally!

Stargazy - your last sentence would make a good mantra!!

How the hell did these people cope before Moblie phones, answering machines and instant messaging?

I find the above nothing but a massive invasion of privacy and home life. I've often said that I miss pen and paper, I hate the pace that technology has moved and I lothe the fact that everyone is rushing everywhere, all of the time, talking, bleeping, plugged into something (I'm guilty of being plugged into my ipod I have to admit) buying the latest gadget, letting people they dont know where they are, what they are doing or eating via the poxy internet to 200+ "friends" they have never met. For what?

NOTHING is sacred anymore. NOTHING is private, no-one talks...properly, no-one writes, no-one makes the effort amymore, no-one slows down and takes in what's around them.....it's enough to make you cry. It's no wonder I'm not a people person.

I'll hold my hand up to, when hearing about solar flares that can wipe out the techonolgy and it's connections or something to do with electrical whatit's I thought it was the best news I ever heard. I'm still waiting and praying for that day to happen. Yeah ok, the world would collapse, but only for a few days until people realise that "oh yeah.! I remember doing this before......"

Actually I love communications technology, I think every introvert should, and I'll explain why.

It used to be the case that the (landline) phone rang, and you answered it. It was just culturally accepted. If you didn't answer, it meant you were out, or dead, and so people would ring back later, and if you didn't answer that time, and they knew you weren't out, they'd be "popping round" to make sure you were all right. Then came answer-machines, and there was even less excuse not to call back the instant you knew someone had tried to contact you. If you didn't answer your phone as soon as you reasonably could, you weren't playing by the rules.

Paradoxically, the multiplying of mobile and internet-based communication methods has freed us from all that. Nobody expects to get an answer to a text or an email straight away (it's not our problem that extroverts feel obliged to reply immediately!). Nobody expects mobiles to always be answered, or calls back to always be immediate, because everybody is in lots of situations all the time where they simply can't use their mobile. Timing your responses to the outside world to suit yourself has never been easier.

Also, I will die in a ditch to defend Twitter, I think it's marvellous. It's not for "friends" as such though (and it's certainly not for letting people know what you're eating, that's a strange newspaper myth). None of my RL friends are on it. It's for following politics and news (or whatever your interests are), and gabbing on to other very interested, informed people about those things in a way I never could to RL friends. No small talk, no silly conventions, just immediate immersion with like-minded souls, at arm's length, in the things I am interested in. It's bliss.

"Paradoxically, the multiplying of mobile and internet-based communication methods has freed us from all that. Nobody expects to get an answer to a text or an email straight away (it's not our problem that extroverts feel obliged to reply immediately!). Nobody expects mobiles to always be answered, or calls back to always be immediate, because everybody is in lots of situations all the time where they simply can't use their mobile. Timing your responses to the outside world to suit yourself has never been easier."

It's the point above that I have problem with. I have had no end of grief because I dont answer or respond straight away. Not just from women but men too. i've been called rude, ignorant, useless, selfish,etcetc etc....all because I have either turned my phone off, or not heard it go off, or god forbid, left it at home! I know that's not my problem but theirs. Honest to god, if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't bother having one. EVER.

The other points you've made I can agree with you on. To a degree, but can see where you are coming from.

Really?? Blimey, I've never come across that response, that is odd. How rude. Nobody I know thinks like that about mobiles. Although perhaps I have cheated by managing to not know many people .

Honest to God yes MBL. At first I just put it down to it being that particular person but it's spread to most of them. Only 3 know that if I don't answer the pohone it doesn't mean that I'm ignoring them. It's bizzare.

I keep coming back to this thread but I am a bit unsure what to write

First of all I am most put out to discover my acute observations of clouds , flowers, seasonal changes and the like are not a special gift I have but most of you do too . I have always known I "see" more than many people and am profoundly grateful as it does feed my soul. I have a particular walk I do at least once a week these past 5 years and I love every square inch and watching for each tiny change. This is something I have never talked about before because I would just feel too "Hey man " or pretentious.

I did that Myers test and came out with a letter combination I dont remember but the introvert part was 10% which is about right. I do like socialising but mostly 1:1 as opposed to big groups although I am ok with that. Actually maybe this is where I dont fit with lots of posters because I do like to see people every day.

What has been very interesting to read is other peoples relationships with men. My xh left January 2010 and I have been resolutely single since but prior to that I was more or less constantly with a man from my early teens . Now at 46 I am discovering more and more that living alone is so much nicer but I had thought before reading this thread it was more to do with disillusionment with men than an inherent desire to spend so much time alone. One of the biggest problems I have always had is that I find it totally unbearable sharing a bed , not due to snoring type issues but simply hating it. This caused problems in my marriage and I have always felt a bit ashamed about it but never wondered why I am like this (loved sex btw) - anyone else like this ?

Anyway this is leaving me looking at all manner of things from a fresh perspective so keep posting

Are they a bit, you know, "old person" in the head? I often find, now I think about it, that technology etiquette doesn't divide by age reliably at all. I know people in their sixties who are champion texters and emailers, and people in their thirties who see the internet as an encyclopaedia and once-yearly travel agent and that's about it.

I agree about phones. I used to put the ansafone on in the evenings and would be accused by xh of being weird. I do think now its much easier to communicate on your own terms as someone said upthread

Oh and also sorry forgot who said was their xh rebuilding the kitchen when he was emptying the dishwasher , I laughed at that because I had that too . The slamming of doors, singing to himself and god knows what else used to put my teeth on edge !

My 2 teen dc are with him for 2 weeks atm and its silent chez moi - heaven

(Sorry, to Molepom.)

Love this thread. I love being an introvert and make no excuses for it.

Oddly I used to work in retail and can be very sociable when required, but its like a skill I use when required.

My lovely dh is way more sociable than me but accepts me for who I am.

Why is the world programmed to think that extrovert = positive and introvert = negative.

I've noticed it at school too with dc. Dd hated (to the point of sleepless nights and feeling sick) the very idea of the horrible xfactor style auditions they were all clamouring to be in for the dreaded school play.

Her reticence to be in the spotlight was seen as strange and difficult. Her teacher seemed completely baffled by it. I find it disappointing and that in order to be seen as a success or your qualities to be noticed you so often have to be gregarious.

gettingeasier
' I find it totally unbearable sharing a bed , not due to snoring type issues but simply hating it. This caused problems in my marriage and I have always felt a bit ashamed about it but never wondered why I am like this (loved sex btw) - anyone else like this ?'
yes I am EXACTLY like that! :)
In some ways I wish I could enjoy sharing a bed, I wish I could enjoy all that night time intimacy, but I hate it and I need to be separate.

inherent desire to spend so much time alone
^^this is what I feel..it's not that I dont like people, I do, I care about people, I'm very empathic, I feel other peoples feelings very easily.
But I only feel like myself when I'm on my own

Why is the world programmed to think that extrovert = positive and introvert = negative

It may be that people who separate themselves are viewed with suspicion, or seen as being critical, having something to hide?

Also it's often assumed to be shyness or social phobia, the loner would like to join the party but hasnt the confidence, so he needs help to bring him out of himself.

The alternative, ie that he doesnt want to join the party is often seen as even worse, why doesnt he want to join in with the group? (as per my earlier point in this post)

I guess so mercury

Teachers always used to say I was shy at school. My mum (as extrovert as they come but protective of me) used to retort back 'she's not shy, she's reserved'. I loved her for that

I read something once about how many of our problems in the workplace stem from the fact that extrovert qualities are the ones people look for when hiring and/or promoting. They don't realise that extroverts can be extroverts and still completely lack empathy or the ability to delegate properly. They get labelled as "good with people" because they have a lot of visible people-energy and like talking a lot, and it is wrongly assumed that this trait is associated with all the other management skills.

Explains quite a few of the bosses I've had over the years.

There's a lot of truth in that MadBusLady. It is possible to be introverted and be more perceptive about people because introverts listen instead of talking all over others. My dd wants to be a psychologist and I would say she's def an introvert.

MLB no, not at all. These are just people who have to be in contact with almost everyone all of the time. It's draining. They don't seem to understand that I don't feel the need to answer everything straight away and that the phone is there for MY use, not to answer them the second I get a text. Think more along the lines of needy attention starved impatient children and then you will understand.