Am I weird to love being alone so much

[BlissfulSolitude]

Mid 50s divorcee here, mum of DD aged 14 who want sot know this: is it strange, after years of trying to come to terms with who I am and what I need, to have concluded that I'm happiest doing things on my own (apart from being with close family that is). I have a great relationship with DD and adore my cat and dog but find being around people incredibly wearing and love nothing better than to be at home reading, thinking, writing, listening to music and pottering. I have a small handful of dear friends but can go months without seeing them, enjoy my work and get on well with most of my colleagues but find the incessant small talk unbearable. People seem to find me engaging and like my company but I just don't seem to want the same level of human involvement as they do, although I quite like being amongst people if I don't have to talk much. After years of being in unsatisfactory relationships, I'm not interested in finding a man.

All my life I've tried to move out of my comfort zone and become more of an extravert (I feel society puts a lot of pressure on us to be outgoing) and had to use alcohol and drugs to do this; doing anything social involved getting hammered and turned me into the life and soul of the party. But my drinking inevitably got out of control, I got into a lot of trouble and now I'm contentedly abstinent. Without drink I just can't face the thought of socialising but I don't really care if I never go to another party again. I've grown to accept that I'm an introvert and would love to stop beating myself up about not seeing friends enough or engaging in activities that don't centre on the life of the mind. But I wonder if this is healthy and whether I'm unusual and would really welcome some opinions. Thanks.

Bliss, thank you so much for posting too - it has freed me in some way that I could never have thought possible.

Please do not be in any hurry to find a partner. Yes I am with someone but believe me the first couple of years were very difficult as I too suffer from the loss of boundary syndrome and become a complete wreck when I get involved. It is as if the real me dissolves. Hard to explain.

I was alone for near on 15 years (bar a couple of dalliances) and they were the most wonderful years of blissful solitude and peace of mind.

I know there are the odd times when it seems the whole world is a couple but compared to the delight of aloneness, I know which I would choose!

The man I am involved with is very very kind and I had never met anyone like this before, much more used to abuse, if not physically, then definitely mental. For sure I was not easy to deal with either!

I think this is why I found myself involved in a relationship because it down to his sheer perseverence that we are together as I wanted to run as far away as possible!!!!!

But Allo you've explained it very well; I never associated my introversion with this loss of self in relationships but it's not just you and I who have experienced it. It's hugely liberating to finally have some sort of explanation as to why I become a different person when I'm with someone.

And now you're with a very unusual man who appreciates the real you. I'm very happy for you :)

Always makes me smile, coming back to this thread to see the new arrivals.

BurlingtonBertie I have the same fears about children and much less fresh eggs but I did find laptopwieldingharpy's comment about the shortness of the demanding/physical/crying stage very helpful (thank you!). I always assume I can't tolerate these things, but actually when I look at my life there are several things (jobs, relationships) that I've done for "a few years" that were in different ways very stressful and difficult. So I probably could spend a few years looking after a helpless being, arguably a much more worthwhile project. Obviously I would CONTINUE to look after them after that but the constant hands-on stage would be over.

Though have to say my main motivation for having kids is still that at the end of the process I get interesting adults to talk to!

Although I'm happy as I am now, sometimes I worry that I will end up missing chances because of it.

This resonates a lot. I DO miss chances, I know it, because I like an even keel. I'm still trying to make up my mind if this is a good thing or not TBH.

MountainsMove Hmm, I love cooking. In fact I see it as part of the whole "making a nice nesting environment" thing that lots of us have identified above. I'm very, very happy with a book at the kitchen table and something bubbling on the stove. I'm also quite neat in the kitchen. I love getting a Sainsbo delivery because it means my storecupboard is full.

The only thing I don't like about cooking is the routine, which can feel very stifling (and would get worse with kids - at least DP and I can decide to have a boiled egg if we're not hungry enough for dinner) but then a lot of people find that.

So IME, it's not an introvert issue, but others may differ.

crisisofidentity I too have suffered from social phobia for many years, and been on prozac to treat it for at least the last 3. Has helped with the panic attacks to some extent, but not as much as learning to relax and b r e a t h........
I have for as long as I can remember thought there was something wrong with me - would describe myself as socially inept. It's only now I'm older (am 42) I think actually life is too short to force yourself into a space you don't fit in, I'm very happy being me in my own space just wish other people would let me get on with it sometimes!

I am marking my place. I just did that test and got 78% introverted. I am too tired to post at length but I have spent my whole life feeling that I am "wrong" in so many ways and trying to change myself to be "healthier" mentally that is and it's been exhausting quite frankly. I think this thread may be a turning point for me because maybe I am actually ok and there are loads of others like me. So much on this thread resonates with me. I have a child with autism too and when I did the adult autism test I got 28, with 32 and over being a likely score for Adult Autism. I do think it's linked.

Going to have a good read then post again tomorrow .

Haven't read the entire thread but I will. I am definitely an introvert (INTJ)..

Wanted to respond to MountainsMove -
I am wondering if your H is more irritable than introverted. I cook as you do and my exH used to find it incredibly annoying, so much so that he would say 'Why can't you ever put anything away..' and proceed to put things away, clear up, etc., right there while I was cooking and using the ingredients I had out on the counter plus the various wooden spoons he would take and rinse and put in the dishwasher. I used to mooch off and leave him to finish dinner himself frequently. If yours gets irritated more then just quiet and can't rise above his tension when out with you and the family then I think it's more immaturity and even loss of temper than just sensitivity.

Welcome Aka and glad that you find the thread so inspiring.

I do have to disagree with you about the link with autism though. Introverts are nearly always HSPs (highly sensitive persons) and this is most definitely not a trait in autism.

I think its a gift to be comfortable in your own company, a lot of people only go out because they are uncomfortable being on their own x

TimeWillTell I so agree with you. Also I think it is a big plus to be into reading as you can always get absorbed in a book. My partner never reads anything and I think he feels threatened sometimes by my need to read!

The thing is. Lovely though it is to have someone to love you, there is still the problem of wanting to be insular and there are times when I would love to cancel seeing him (or indeed anyone) because I need to be alone to drift and think.

This makes me feel guilty because I think I should want to see him when the truth is I don't, and there have been times when he has rung to ask if I mind if he does not come over (mind? I am whooping with joy) because I think he just wants to recuperate. He does lead a much more busy life than me though.

Hope I don't sound too awful! :/

PS. Not really getting the hang of this editing thing.

Blissful thanks for the welcome.

Afraid I have to disagree about autistic people not being highly sensitive as many, especially those with high functioning autism and Aspergers are about as sensitive as it is possible to be and many actually suffer with an aspect of autism called Sensory Processing Disorder whereby they find it extremely difficult if not impossible to process outside stimuli often leading to meltdowns. I am not saying its the case for everyone but I believe there is a link for some.

Allofa re wanting to be insular, yes, left to my own devices my inclination is to be completely self contained and spend as much time as possible on my own.
I have no trouble filling my time, am never ever bored, totally happy doing my own thing.

But I suspect this could at some point switch over into something bordering on pathological?
I mean, if disconnected from other people for too long will I just get so weird & eccentric that I'm unable to reconnect if I need to?

I am on my own a lot atm as I am on 2 weeks leave and my DC are with xh and I am very happy although I think if this was my FT life I might become a bit eccentric

I can gaze out of the window for ages daydreaming

I potter about and do housework and like everything clean and tidy , hate cooking though but as I love eating I do do it

Allof your love life sounds interesting , pretty much what I would see as ideal although I've never had a relationship like it. I think one reason I am happy single is that I have reached a point where I like and respect myself and so dont feel I need validation from a man that I am lovely or from society that someone loves me or I fit in.

Sometimes I have a little wobble as almost without exception my family, friends,colleagues and casual accquaintances are married/in a relationship and so I am the odd one out . I am proud though of how I have carried myself and my DC through xhs departure, house move etc with calmness and dignity even though I was heartbroken.

Joining MN and reading around all the different forums, some self help stuff has made me see there is more to life than just following the crowd and so much has been ingrained into me from various things that always made me accede to the mans wishes and preferences even though I would have been described as a strong feisty woman. Well no more

I think I am getting a bit off topic though as this is about being alone not single !!

not all that off topic:)
quite alot of overlap between the desire for solitude and a preference for being single!

I don't know if I read this somewhere or made it up myself. "We are born alone and we die alone", so maybe we are craving the womb like exsistence?

Anyway I know I would go crazy if I never saw anyone, but all the time I am working, I get to chat and I do have some nice bonds with people in my life and that seems to be sufficient for me.

I don't like to have too many plans made on my behalf, it stresses me out. My idea of bliss is knowing I do not have any plans!! I do however love the odd night out at the theatre.

I was very very happy being single with the odd Bridget Jones moment thrown in but like you gettingeasier I had reached a stage where I was at peace with myself and did not need validation.

It is interesting though this thing about going the opposite once your boundaries dissolve on meeting someone. All I know is the torture of this feeling of being vulnerable is very difficult and not one I wish to repeat!

It has been a long journey though and in the future for financial reasons it will make sense for us to couple up and that is a scary thought!

in the future for financial reasons it will make sense for us to couple up and that is a scary thought!

This is already happening to younger generations and yes, it is a scary thought. I read a thing in the Guardian about a commune the other day - the members were not hippy people particularly, though maybe a bit leftier than average, all with jobs and lives etc, but they had chosen to live together to have a better quality of life on a bigger joint income than they could have apart. One of them (a teacher, I think) said that what he paid to live in this large house with lots of space was the same amount he had paid to live by himself in a bedsit before.

It obviously works really well for them, but an introvert just couldn't do it! Imagine having a cooking rota with 10 other people! Having to take account of others' wishes, low-level negotiating of space and choice with others ALL the time, not having the option of near-constant privacy when you needed it.

terrifying!
I'd choose the bedsit option:)

I'm finding this thread very helpful. I think introversion has been viewed as a "disorder" for far too long.

Living in a commune . I too would prefer the bedsit option!

My son shows these same traits. He does socialize but he does find it exhausting and loves to get home, don his dressing gown and just be.

Interestingly in my quest for me time, when he was younger, I used to try to get him involved in groups, you know beavers, karate, summer camps and he hated every single one of them. Just wanted to be home or around home.

He was always there!!

Now we live a very harmonious life and because he can help out with the rent and bills (which I don't think i could manage entirely alone now :(), it works very well.

sometimes though, he will say he wishes he had never arranged to do such and such because he just cannot bear the thought of going.

I just wondered if anyone has problems with toilets, having to go somewhere other than home or is that peculiar to me? I always assumed it was the reason I hate to travel or stay anywhere for more than a day.

I have been on holidays where I have become so constipated because I cannot relax to go to the toilet for fear of something?

When I met my dp, I made this big tearful confession about my toilet phobia as a reason that we could never get involved because I could neither go at his place or at mine if he was there! I still have problems but it is a little easier.

We have a laugh about it sometimes. He wondered what I was going to tell him! Maybe that once I had been a man. :)

MountainsMove, good name for the subject! :D I could never go camping. I do recall staying in a caravan once and I could neither go in the caravan (people around) or in the public loo, incase someone might come in and shock horror find me doing what every single human being on earth does!

I can see I will become addicted to this thread. I discovered it on Friday night and read loads and loads, nodding in agreement, laughing my head off too at the people with partners wishing they could somehow arrange separate bedrooms - it is great to find so many like minded people. :)

It has been really helpful for the madbus household. We are both introverts and talking about the time alone thing has made us realise we need breaks from each other too. I do get time on my own but poor DP is generally either at work or with me. He never gets time pottering at home by himself. So I'm going to save up for some mini trips away by myself, maybe to do some walking or do a bit of family history research, then sone writing in the evenings.

I am SO enthused by the idea, I can't believe we have never thought of this before! It is such a given if you are in a couple that you only go away on weekends away together. But like the bed-sharing thing, it doesn't have to be this way.