Am I weird to love being alone so much

[BlissfulSolitude]

Mid 50s divorcee here, mum of DD aged 14 who want sot know this: is it strange, after years of trying to come to terms with who I am and what I need, to have concluded that I'm happiest doing things on my own (apart from being with close family that is). I have a great relationship with DD and adore my cat and dog but find being around people incredibly wearing and love nothing better than to be at home reading, thinking, writing, listening to music and pottering. I have a small handful of dear friends but can go months without seeing them, enjoy my work and get on well with most of my colleagues but find the incessant small talk unbearable. People seem to find me engaging and like my company but I just don't seem to want the same level of human involvement as they do, although I quite like being amongst people if I don't have to talk much. After years of being in unsatisfactory relationships, I'm not interested in finding a man.

All my life I've tried to move out of my comfort zone and become more of an extravert (I feel society puts a lot of pressure on us to be outgoing) and had to use alcohol and drugs to do this; doing anything social involved getting hammered and turned me into the life and soul of the party. But my drinking inevitably got out of control, I got into a lot of trouble and now I'm contentedly abstinent. Without drink I just can't face the thought of socialising but I don't really care if I never go to another party again. I've grown to accept that I'm an introvert and would love to stop beating myself up about not seeing friends enough or engaging in activities that don't centre on the life of the mind. But I wonder if this is healthy and whether I'm unusual and would really welcome some opinions. Thanks.

Good point Maddy, "you need to get out more" tends to be the general advice - great, we all need perspective on our lives but there is a certain point when others have to start accepting how we are and that will help free us up to accept ourselves.

Long time lurker her - first posting as this really hit the spot.
The world is obsessed with "doing" - technology, the media - all trying to sell us/tell us we are odd if we don't want their toys or news.
It is a pure relief to close that door, and just BE!

I used to feel odd to not wish for the relentless chatter and clatter that others seem to need - have you ever been party to a conversation about celebs (who the hell are they all?), whilst the tv is pumping out Eastenders or some other such drivel at a volume level that makes your ears sore?
Some people may surround themselves with noise and "friends" as a mechanism against loneliness - can't do that - it is sooooo wearing.
We are all different, but thank goodness us more sensitive types can speak out - it is almost as liberating as confessing that I hate C.......mas - now that is another subject, but way too early to open that box!!

When people watch TV, soaps and follow celebs they are very much alone but simulating friendship and connection (feeling deep this morning - nobody else is up yet so I can actually think!).

Then when they meet up and talk about said soaps and celebs or even some news stories, it feels like they are sharing and engage with each other about something real.

Morning everyone, it's great to see this thread still going strong, there are SO many of us. achillea I think an on-going thread for us sensitive types would be a fantastic idea, I was actually toying with the idea of starting a blog where I could rant a bit about the joys and challenges of being an introvert in an extraverted world.

Basset that would be a fascinating exercise - Susan Cain has done a lot of research into the nature/nurture debate and it would seem that introverts really are wired differently. A lot has to do with the amygdala apparently. It's obvious that all of us seem to value our friendships highly even if we don't see people that frequently. The issue for me is that I have two very introverted friends who hardly ever initiate contact so if I don't, we never see eachother! I've decided that it would be best if I just accepted this and arranged to see them a little more often (say once a month). I love their company and always feel happy and refreshed after meeting up (unlike some other people who drain me).

Also love the thread idea. One of the things I really love about the internet in general is that I can talk without preamble to interesting people about all sorts of stuff whenever I want, without the stress of physical proximity, and if it all gets a bit too much I can go off for a break in the middle of a conversation and nobody minds! It's the perfect introvert's socialisation tool. I cannot understand the outcry against online socialising as if it's not "real". Of course it's real! I think it's probably extroverts who complain about it.

I feel the same, love been on my own. Though I am married, however me and dh hardly spend any time together and it doesn't bother me. Have had the house to myself all weekend and its been bliss.

I happily go on holiday on my own, days out, cinema, etc. I have friends but not close ones. I enjoy reading, cycling, watching films, internet. Can happily do all of these on my own.

I think its one reason I enjoy MN so much. I get social interaction that I don't really have much of IRL. But its on my terms, I can put down the ipad and walk away when I want. I don't have to sit there, twiddling my thumbs trying to think of things to say.

Just re-read all the postings - page 3 - 3kidsand4cats - you have exactly condensed my world in a few short sentences - self sufficient as a child - I was getting myself up and out for school when I was 9 - told my mum that she should stay in bed and rest - I could do it. Big reader - walked thousands of miles with my little dog - few friends, but I found that a relief even at a young age. Felt a bit more freaky as teenagerdom arrived - everyone seemed so popular and busy, and of course, if you were'nt - well - weirdo! Struggled ever since with trying to maintain a balance - it's only now that I am accepting who I am - I am not unique - thank goodness.
Simple things give the most pleasure - that's why we have senses - smells, sights are brain food - no one experiences the way you do - you are unique. A beautiful view will be there forever in your mind - but only you have seen it - spotted something that others have missed. Smells are so evocative - every time I walk past a flowering currant, I inhale deeply and am immediately transported back to my mums' garden all those years ago.

With you all ...if only in spirit..otherwise also better generally on my own. Tho still not quite come to terms with it- feel left out/weird/wrong somehow still

Whatsthehurry. C....mas, Oh god, loathe it, loathe parties, expense, forced jollity and the cards.......cards......why?

Ah, now. WHATSTHEHURRY...

I personally adore Christmas but that's only because it's done my way. I LOVE the decorating (the house looks amazing!), the cooking the smells and wrapping the presents for my kids and watching them open them. There is only ever three 3 of us, myself and my two kids. If I had to do the whole socialising bit with family and friends I would cry. I dont mind them round for about an hour during that season but the whole day? No.

Our Christmas is always quiet and that's just the way I like it. As a kid we used to do the whole family gathering bit but even then I found it draining and as no-one would leave me alone I ended up dreading it....right up to last year. It was done MY way with MY rules. It was the best Christmas ever. The kids said so and they ARE extroverts.

I'm wondering about our music tastes as well as hobbies and interests.

Someone up thread mentioned Jason Mraz and Joshua Radin (Thank you, thank you thank you - they have a brand new fan here) and through that I found Griffin House.

That's 3 new artists that I would have never even thought of listening to before this thread. So, I'm wondering what do you all listen to?

I'm thinking if it turns out we have similar tastes, we could as well as the Loners Corner we could have a music suggestions mini thread in a thread...a bit like Itunes.

molepom - it's good that you have had the courage to do it your own way - break out! It's being forced into happy families situations that ruins it - great when it can be low key, and not go on forever. With kids it is different - but if they are on your side, brill.
I always thought that my ideal would be in a little cottage on the moors, woodburning stove, lots of logs, hamper (of stuff that I would actually eat), snow, dog - tv and radio, books - all on my ownio - fab.
Actually, think I would love to live there all the year round - must have a look on Rightmove.
Salbertina - it does take some time to accept it - and even longer to impart your needs to others - think that is the worst bit - they can take it personally too often, then you feel guilty, and decide to bottle it for a bit longer. Can take a lot of courage to stand up and be counted, but you can't live your life for others all the time - we women spend too much time trying to be all things to all people - what we really need comes way down the list, unfortunately.

I keep being drawn back to reading this thread and agreeing with almost everything here - except that I love Christmas. Not the frenzied present buying, eating and drinking part of it all but I find it a very spiritual time.

For years my self improvement resolutions were things like:- get out more, join in more, make new friends, etc. because that's what I believed was lacking in my life. It never worked, now I realise why.

It's interesting that people who like to be alone are 'wired' that way. I think I've always wondered if, somehow, I was different from most of the people I knew on some fundamental level. This thread has inspired me to think more about what I want to feel fulfilled.

I have always been afraid of being considered selfish. It was an accusation that my parents often threw at me as I was growing up. A lot of things that I have/have not done as an adult have been to avoid being thought selfish. Now I come to think of it that has been a colossal waste of energy.

whatsthehurry with me it's buddleia, takes me straight back to my grand-mother's garden. I also had my own shrub when I was a kid and have a special affinity with it - a flowering currant of course. Love the sound of your cottage although I'd find it hard to live somewhere isolated. The edge of a rural town or in a sleepy village would suit me best, I like to know there are people around as long as I don't have to talk to them too much. I'm a bit of a people watcher, in fact I notice many things around me that others tend to ignore.

Shall we start a new thread then, something like "Introvert chat - deep and meaningful discussion for those of a sensitive disposition."

Middy - I've had PND twice and being around people really didn't help.

Nutmeg - I was forever being called selfish and like you, did everything I could to prove I wasn't. It got to the point that I was forever doing stuff for other people and never doing anything for myself. That has only very, very recently stopped. Cutting a few people out of my life helped a tremendous amount.

OP - We need that thread. Everyone else has one.

Whatsthehurry - I had the exact same conversation with a friend and I said my ideal location was in the middle of nowhere, on my own exactly how you just described. She called me weird.

I found this thread by accident. What a relief!
I've always felt slightly different. I love being and doing things on my own. I'm also a big daydreamer and I can spend ages 'doing nothing'. I love being out and about on my own and I think nothing of heading off to a beach or park by myself.
I do have some close friends but i prefer to meet them for a meal or drink rather than have them to my house. I much prefer one on one than groups. My very good friend always says when I go off radar she knows not to worry.
One area I struggle with is relationships. I tend to meet people who want to be with me all the time, and on more than one occasion I've been described as anti social by the person I'm going out with and it's nibbled at my self esteem.
I'm not anti social but I'd rather read a book than spend 3 hours listening to someone chatter about the things that are important to them, or their select hobby. I'm not very good at opening conversations about myself. I think I come across as aloof and I would like to change this as I'm not aloof, just selective.
Sometimes when I'm alone having coffee I really like the background chatter as long as its not too noisy.
I'm very glad of this thread.

Yes - relationships - they are a real problem for me. I think I would be okay if we both had our own places - but living together - would prefer not to.
I start to get resentful that there is no space for "me" time, and then it's all downhill.
This thread will I'm sure be a real help to lots of people - negative comments don't help how different you feel, so when 100 odd people say "I know how exactly how you feel", it is a real eye opener, and can enable you feel "normal" after all.

whatsthehurry: I am the same with living together. Before me, my ex had lively, very sociable partners who had wide circles of friends. Then he met me. Fairly solitary. We went out for dinner recently (we keep in touch) and he told me that I had taught him to slow down and there wasnt a need to to join in with everything. I felt good about that and I felt he appreciated happiness doesnt necessarily come of always doing things and being with people. However when we were together he viewed my independence and love of being alone as lack of feelings towards him.

I have friends who tell me they are really looking forward to a girlie weekend with a group of like minded women at a spa, hen weekend, etc. It would make me feel a bit panicky as its not my idea of heaven.

I am leave half of this week and looking forward to some time alone. Already people have asked me what I am doing with my leave and I just say I havent decided yet because if I say "nothing" they start going "aaawww, come over to mine"

Scatty - just tell them you are going to have some "much needed time on my own and recharge my batteries for a while" you will be surprised at their reaction.

DH understands that I don't like to spend my free time socialising so he does that mostly alone. He's fine with that while I'm delighted at having an empty house. The first thing I do when they are all out is switch off every noise-making device and sit and enjoy the silence. I can't watch much TV as most programmes irritate me, so the whole Eastenders/X Factor, etc conversations go completely over my head. No loss IMO.

I am an only child bookworm too. I also drive to every social event I attend so I can leave when I've had enough.

Totally agree about the smoking too. Ditto hen nights, my personal room 101.

Scatty - have been asked a few times to go to the local spa thingy, but if I ever do, it will be on my own - it would totally undo all the good chilling out if I had to do talking incessantly!

I am very much a loner/introvert/solitary person, self sufficient live alone and find it blissful
only child, bookworm, hate the telly, not good at small talk, etc etc.
It's good to hear that other people feel the same:)