Am I weird to love being alone so much

[BlissfulSolitude]

Mid 50s divorcee here, mum of DD aged 14 who want sot know this: is it strange, after years of trying to come to terms with who I am and what I need, to have concluded that I'm happiest doing things on my own (apart from being with close family that is). I have a great relationship with DD and adore my cat and dog but find being around people incredibly wearing and love nothing better than to be at home reading, thinking, writing, listening to music and pottering. I have a small handful of dear friends but can go months without seeing them, enjoy my work and get on well with most of my colleagues but find the incessant small talk unbearable. People seem to find me engaging and like my company but I just don't seem to want the same level of human involvement as they do, although I quite like being amongst people if I don't have to talk much. After years of being in unsatisfactory relationships, I'm not interested in finding a man.

All my life I've tried to move out of my comfort zone and become more of an extravert (I feel society puts a lot of pressure on us to be outgoing) and had to use alcohol and drugs to do this; doing anything social involved getting hammered and turned me into the life and soul of the party. But my drinking inevitably got out of control, I got into a lot of trouble and now I'm contentedly abstinent. Without drink I just can't face the thought of socialising but I don't really care if I never go to another party again. I've grown to accept that I'm an introvert and would love to stop beating myself up about not seeing friends enough or engaging in activities that don't centre on the life of the mind. But I wonder if this is healthy and whether I'm unusual and would really welcome some opinions. Thanks.

whatsthehurry - for me it's the smell of a lilac tree. my gran had one, and if i sniff one now, i'm suddenly five years old again, in my grans garden....and she had a gooseberry bush. i can clearly remember picking gooseberries and getting scratched to bits. i spent so much time in that garden as a child, happily alone, knowing gran was baking in the kitchen. bliss.

Loving the idea of a loner thread ....already see so many similarities amongst us .......the acute senses and awareness ........love of reading .....music ........the sheer exhaustion we feel when coralled too long with others .
So many different ages here which would make a very interesting and educating fun thread .
For far too long I thought my need for solitude was by product of anxiety /depression ..........which came first chicken or egg sort of thing ?

anyway loving the posts and find myself nodding and smiling lots .
hope we can continue contact somehow . As others have wisely said ..the internet allows us to toddle off if needing space and time alone . No one feels slighted .
hope all are having good evening .

I love this thread! Finding so many of you who are like me is just wonderful and liberating in that I am feeling more and more that I can give myself "permission" to be who and what I am.

I have a wonderful cousin who I write to very regularly. Never meet, never phone, just letters which is great for both of us. We were writing about solitude recently, and I came to the realisation (maybe a bit selfishly) that my favourite way to be is reading/pottering by myself, but with someone in the next room, to make a few remarks to as and when. Ideally that person should be doing their own reading/pottering so there is no pressure!

I have always been like this, a bit of a misfit all through my life, and my daughter is the same. I hope she finds peace with herself more easily than I have. My son is very sociable and makes friends easy as breathing.

Can we keep this thread going as a safe home for us all?

molepom I like Christmas in the way you describe too at home with DS. People always look at me with pity but that's how I like it!

My DS is autistic and I too wondered if I was on the spectrum as I have a fair few traits, but I think i am just an introvert. I think it benefits DS that I am happy to take life at a slow quiet pace, he hates busy loud environments and would be miserable if I were insisting we were sociable all the time.

I prefer texts or the internet too, although even these forms of communication I'm a bit phobic of and have a bad reputation of being scatty replying to texts. It's not that I'm scatty, it's just that I don't have that urge to instantly communicate and socialise all the time. I find it tedious to be honest.

As a child I was a prolific reader and still love to escape into a book. I preferred boys company to girls as I didn't get the need for the inane incessant chatter that often accompanies little girls, even then I would find myself internally groaning at it. I also liked more logical toys rather than imaginary toys. Things you could do alone and took a bit of thought like building trainsets, meccano, spirograph, etc. I was the eldest and was a very 'responsible' child, a lot of responsibility got put on my shoulders as I was quiet and sensible.

my favourite way to be is reading/pottering by myself, but with someone in the next room, to make a few remarks to as and when. Ideally that person should be doing their own reading/pottering so there is no pressure!

This is totally my relationship with DP

I'm so hardcore with the loner-ism I cant tolerate anyone else on the premises :o

Have been reading and re-reading this thread since yesterday afternoon and am just astonished to find so many kindred spirits here.

Really good for the soul to find out that liking your company is not the mark of the loner 'weirdo' that others have always made it out to be.

Just wrote a length response and lost the lot so will keep it to that for now (especially since I hate repetition) as in sneeze, bless you, sneeze, bless you, sneeze, sneeze repeat ad nauseam every day - FFS, just move on, we all heard you, stop attention seeking.

Or, the multiple 'good morning' greetings required in the office as 14 colleagues dribble up to their desks one by one - I said it once, I'm not doing it again and again and again.

And overly lengthy descriptions and stories - FGS, who cares if I know the exact road you were on when that mildly interesting thing happened to you, just tell the damn story.

Mmh, perhaps I am weirder than I first thought :)

Nodding along vigorously with every post here, thank you OP for starting such a great (and in my case, therapeutic) thread!

Getting flash backs of being 5 years old and having a furious row with my mum because in my opinion I needed to walk myself to kindergarten, I was quite capable etc, I always was an independent soul who would play alone for hours and read (as essential to me as breathing, sleeping and eating)

I wonder if any of the posters had problems finding (and importantly, keeping) a partner, or are most now single? It makes sense that lack of socialising leads to lack of potential partners, and also not many men would be ok with an unsocial wife unless he's the same - or does it work for anyone with a sociable patrner?.

....and hairdressers - a treat to every other woman I know, a nightmare of inane small talk with a total stranger in front of a mirror - torture for me.

'And would you like a head massage?' - no, please just wash my hair as quick as you can 'oh'

Interesting question likeatonofbricks, personally the problem has always been getting rid of the buggers, not keeping them :)

Spent 17 years in total in long-term relationships and currently can't imagine myself wanting to go back to a full-time living together situation.

Never being able to say 'let's just listen to some music and read tonight' really did my head in a lot of the time.

More than likely down to my choice of men though I suppose (always attracted to the man child in the past)

I would agree that my single life now and socialising habits are restricting my chances of finding another partner but can genuinly say that I don't want one either.

If someone crosses my path who is happy to let me be who I am, old lady fm and quiet reading and everything then all well and good but,
as I've told my (few) friends 'The Bibi Blocksberg corporation is not currently actively recruiting for a life-partner' :)

I love my own company - a lovely walk or run alone in the countryside in the quiet is bliss.

No one will convince me that the ability to be self sufficient and content with your own company is anything other than a strength.

I can't for the life of me see how anyone can enjoy traipsing around the High Street with a friend,or making a social telephone call....

I am so glad I found this thread. When I was younger I hid my introvert nature behind alcohol. Now I just want to be myself.

I don't just love peace and solitude, I need it. Or I become drained and anxious.

I hate shopping centres, the phone and crowds.

Books, writing, thinking, standing quietly listening to the sounds of nature are heaven to me.

My preference for the above is not an attack on sociable types. It takes all sorts to make the world go round. I do like people, I have a dh and two kids I adore. I just need space now and then.

I will now go to sleep feeling so much better. Thank you

'I can't for the life of me see how anyone can enjoy traipsing around the High Street with a friend'
not my cup of tea either, but by the same token I suppose that those who are naturally gregarious cant for the life of them imagine how anyone can enjoy a solitary existence

horses for courses...
even so, introverts do tend to feel as if they are in the minority, it doesnt help that we dont exactly put ourselves about much, making us seem even more of a minority :o

Oh and I too am excited about winter

My DH is also unsociable so thats quite good. We watch TV in seperate rooms.

I enjoy shopping but have never gone shopping with anyone else apart from dd.

Rubber the thing about feeling drained if you dont have peace & solitude does seem to be key..I can certainly relate very strongly to that :)

Viva, lucky you finding your true match , it's not easy!
Bibi - you are funny re problem getting rid of them! but did you mange to hide your true nature (as i undestand) and that's why they wouldn't let go of you, or did some of them stayed very keen knowing your wish to be on your owm a lot? I find the latter hard to believe as so many men have an ego problem and see not wanting spending time with then as a dent to pride (yawn).

And who said introverts don't have a sense of humour? Bibi's post about colleagues "dribbling" up to their desks struck such a chord. My absolutely least favourite thing is the first day back after holiday. Spending five whole minutes with each and every person telling them exactly the same thing about the weather. Deadly.

I'm really interested in what's being said about relationships. I'd always thought I'd die without a man and consequently was coupled-up non-stop between the ages of 17 and 49. None of the relationships were satisfactory either but I found it impossible to leave because I couldn't be on my own. Luckily my ex-H decided to leave five years ago but naturally I threw myself into one disastrous relationship after another. Now I've been single for two years and have never been happier. It's a mystery to me that I thought I couldn't function without a partner. Why would someone as introverted as me feel that way? (probably something to do with an unsatisfactory relationship with my dad).

But it's such a relief to know now that I can function on my own and I decided to stop the search for a partner some time ago. I wouldn't rule out being with the type of man some of you lucky women describe (reading in separate rooms, him being as unsociable as me) but unless someone starts an online dating service for loners I don't know where I'll find him! Actually I've always wanted to start my own business, maybe I should look into it...

DD is off with a friend's family today for almost two weeks. I'll miss her but am already excited about all the things I'll be doing (not involving anyone else of course). And as for keeping this thread going, let's do it. We can fill this one up first and then start it up again but maybe under a different title. Let's gather some ideas for names. Agreed?

Wow - just checked this thread and replies coming in thick and fast - it really has struck a cord - many thanks to blissful for posting.
Just re-reading and it seems that a lot of us are quite independent and don't make that many true friends, relationships are a struggle - I think I am a stronger person at the core because of my love of my own company - so many people seem to need to be surrounded by others, noise, things, in order to feel complete. I may appear standoffish and downright rude sometimes, but inside, my core is strong and serene. This is to me, the most positive aspect of my personality - but can be seen by others as a defect. By the way, what star sign are you - I am Aries - explains a lot!

Pottering in my little house, with classic fm in the background, drinking coffee, reading, writing, thinking...bliss.

How have you coped with motherhood, given children can be very intrusive?

I love my kids, to bits. But I have found the lack of headspace hard at times. I have learnt to be kind to myself and engineer little breaks now and then. Mine are still young though.

Agree!
Anyone seen Susan cains (she of "Quiet") TED talk podcast about power of introverts? v interesting with 3 conclusions
-less group work @work/school;
-going into the wilderness;
-revealing "what's in your suitcase" a little to others ie what books etc are special to you & why

I watched that talk. Not much that was new to me but oh god, YES about the school groupwork! What was that about??

I have two modes in a group project where more than two people are involved - I can lead, or I can stay absolutely silent and do exactly as I'm told. Literally no idea at all how to occupy the middle ground. I am aware this means I'm not suitable for a lot of jobs, and I have no problem with that. I'm suited to the kind of jobs where you have to be very clever (told you I didn't have low self-esteem ) and work very hard on very difficult problems by myself.

It really winds me up when HR people seem to add in "great teamwork skills" on every job spec just for the sake of it, and interviewers ask for examples of a time when you've worked in a group, even when the job patently does not require it. I think they are using it as shorthand for "isn't anti-social, can take direction from a boss, can get on with colleagues", which I can, and it isn't at all the same thing as the dreaded "teamwork".

rubberglove I'd like to hear other people's answers to that. I am very afraid that I would feel totally crushed and taken over by children, and physically wouldn't be able to deal with all the crying, demands, constant care etc.

FFS! Just spend ages writing a brilliant post answering loads of questions and when I go to post, I've been logged out for taking so long.

Bollocks, I'm not writing it again. I'm just agreeing with you all, even with the regards to my kids.

My children are the only people who don't drain me. I love being with them. Importantly, they can both be quiet and spend hours doing their own things whilst I do mine. My daughter is an introverted bookworm just like me and my son who is a lot more sociable can happily spend a lot of time drawing or making Lego models. I do worry the lack of general socialising is not good for them as they spend a lot of time with just me, but on the whole I think we're doing fine.