Am I weird to love being alone so much

[BlissfulSolitude]

Mid 50s divorcee here, mum of DD aged 14 who want sot know this: is it strange, after years of trying to come to terms with who I am and what I need, to have concluded that I'm happiest doing things on my own (apart from being with close family that is). I have a great relationship with DD and adore my cat and dog but find being around people incredibly wearing and love nothing better than to be at home reading, thinking, writing, listening to music and pottering. I have a small handful of dear friends but can go months without seeing them, enjoy my work and get on well with most of my colleagues but find the incessant small talk unbearable. People seem to find me engaging and like my company but I just don't seem to want the same level of human involvement as they do, although I quite like being amongst people if I don't have to talk much. After years of being in unsatisfactory relationships, I'm not interested in finding a man.

All my life I've tried to move out of my comfort zone and become more of an extravert (I feel society puts a lot of pressure on us to be outgoing) and had to use alcohol and drugs to do this; doing anything social involved getting hammered and turned me into the life and soul of the party. But my drinking inevitably got out of control, I got into a lot of trouble and now I'm contentedly abstinent. Without drink I just can't face the thought of socialising but I don't really care if I never go to another party again. I've grown to accept that I'm an introvert and would love to stop beating myself up about not seeing friends enough or engaging in activities that don't centre on the life of the mind. But I wonder if this is healthy and whether I'm unusual and would really welcome some opinions. Thanks.

Molepom I'm really pleased to hear that.

I've thought of another one, I bet you'll all get this. When you're reading reviews of a hotel or b&b and sometimes they all say something like "Dave and Pat were such warm and friendly hosts at this family run b&b and kept us entertained for hours over dinner, it was like being on holiday with lovely new friends"

AAARGH! RUN! Give me corporate politeness any day!

LOL, I know what you mean about that MBL...that's why I prefer camping.

One of my favourite things to do is tidy and organise my bedroom then leave DP to the xbox and put my headphones on in bed. I listen to Jason Mraz and Joshua Radin while mouthing along to the lyrics and it really makes me feel at peace.

its great that you know who you are your comftable with who you are and you have accepted yourself. too many people try to find comfort in men and go from relationship to relationship without much space to know who thet really are. i think its great that you didnt do this. your life does sound like a dream and its great. more people should be comftable on there own. you don't need people to make you feel good about yourself which i also belive is a good thing.

I feel so reassured and relieved reading this thread.

When I was young my mother always used to say that I should try to 'fit in' more. What she really meant was change myself to be or, at least, appear more sociable.

I have always felt that I was lacking in some way because I wasn't very chatty and didn't have lots of friends to go out with. The thing was that I felt perfectly happy like that - it was only ever other people who made me think that there was something wrong with me.

I am so grateful to you all for making me realise that I am not as weird as I was made to feel.

MILK - Norah Jones's The Long Day Is Over is my relaxing song.

I'm so gratified to see more posts from those who know just what I'm talking about and the number of you who've expressed relief at knowing they're not odd. I had no idea when I started this thread that it would strike such a chord.

Today's been such a good day and I'm SO glad I'm not out tonight sitting in some pub garden surrounded by loud drunk people :) Some of you talked about autumn and after sweltering in today's heat and being out in town with too many of my fellow human beings clogging up the pavements I can't wait for the seasons to change.

Another happy singleton here too. I love my son, I love my friends but I also love my own company and pottering etc.

I have always felt weird about this as everyone else seems to be so different and lively.

I have also always felt different.

Since my son was diagnosed win autism I am feeling more and more as though I am an Aspergers woman....certainly I had enough issues as a child and DS is a carbon copy of me....

Not saying everyone else here is on the spectrum but just feel it is where I am.

Hi I think you sound one sorted lady!,I know exactly where you are coming from and you give me inspiration to keep doing what I do , I live with my 21 year and a cat and have done so for the last 21 years and used to beat myself up about not having enough friends etc, but now my DC is about to move out I realise I cherish my busy life of work and few close friends ,BUT also love being in my own home on my own and chilling out , so my go girl and enjoy your life there is nothing weird about you.

This has prompted me to take a short Myers Brigg-type test www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp and it's worked out that I'm an INFJ (yes I stands for introverted!). Have a go, it's fun.

Can I ask Tea, how often do you see your friends (and would like to know this from others). I have five good friends who I like to spend time with but I can go for weeks without seeing any of them and one or two I only see once every 3 or 4 months or so. I never chat with them on the phone (apart from one who talks for England which I find very draining) and when I do see them it's usually for a coffee (not a drink because I don't drink anymore) or to go for a walk/to the cinema. The one who talks endlessly loves going to bars and staying up all night and since I used to do this with her, I'll just have to be straight and say I'd rather not anymore. I reckon if she's a true friend she won't mind and will be OK with us meeting up for lunch or taking the dogs for a walk.

I too have a 14 year old, and yesterday was trying to convince her that friendships are important etc. She spends a lot of time alone, even when in a group and I get worried and concerned. This thread has turned my view of this upside down!

My 84 year old mother has alway told me not to worry about her, she was also like that as a child, some people are like that and I do believe, as SGB and others have said, that our society is now less tolerant of people who are different or reserved and I have been conditioned to think I am not normal.

I am very much like you webweaver, I have always suffered at work though because when working as team I like to have an allocated job to do alone or as a pair. That's OK when you're in leadership but when you're told to 'just muck in' I find it very difficult. I find a task for myself and stick to it but most team people don't like that.

I have done aspergers tests online and I scored quite highly and was starting to think that I was the problem, but really it is a problem that society has. As a young person who is a loner, or sensitive, this is very hard. I find I can cope with one person but not many and it seems my daughter is just the same. On the other hand I feel I need to encourage her to have good friendships as these are important for everyone for many many reasons.

It seems to be that we are tarred with the brush of being seen as 'selfish' and not putting enough into the social pot as it were. However our value should be appreciated as we are there as if we weren't there who would all those extroverts bounce off? I think there should be more emphasis placed on our duty to put into society in the way that suits us as individuals.

The best advice I heard about dealing with parties and social situations was to find someone that is sitting alone to talk to, or sit alone and let someone else find you. I do this now and it works far better than bounding into a group awkwardly. I heard that advice in my late thirties.

This thread has actually made me re-evaluate my career choice as I am at a turning point at the moment. Not to mention laying off my daughter a little. Thank you!

OP, to answer your question above. I have very few friends and that's just how I like it.

1 I will go shopping with as she understands my ways and knows that if I go off in a shop on my own, it's only temporary and I'll be back in a few minutes and we both swear like fishwives when the mood takes us. She's funny.

1 who I love and will do anything for but can only spend a few hours with at a time as she talks. Constantly. Even on the phone I bearly get a word in edgeways but that's her thing and I understand it. She's a talker and I'm a listener...we work well together. Even she's said that's how she likes it and that's why we get on. It's quite funny really. Again, she also realises that I need to just "be" sometimes and will leave me alone when I need that space.

1 who I dont have to speak to for months and months but we'll meet up or call on the phone and there's no resentment or awkwardness. She's like us and doesnt have to be in constant touch with people all of the time.

achillea, your fourteen year old sounds very much like myself at that age! i always had two or three friends, but was quite happy on my own. i still have friends but am quite happy not to see them too often (this sounds awful, but it is the way i am). i work in a school and lots of my friends who work there spend all the long summer holiday arranging social stuff together, they know not to invite me now, because i rarely go out to their gatherings. i like them a lot, but i'm quite happy not to see them for six weeks. when i go back in September we'll pick up where we left off, but apart from a quick chat in the staffroom, i won't be all over them, although i really care for them. this sounds awful, but i am a caring person, i just need my own space. i often sneak off and have lunch alone at work, because i'd rather be with my own thoughts than colleagues. i now accept i'm the way i am, and there's no point dwelling on what society expects. when i go out i can be having a lovely time, but my home is silently calling me, and i can't wait to get back to it!

i love this thread. It sums me up.

achillea - I was like that at 14 as well. She's fine. It may look to you like she's on her own when in a group but I'll bet she thinks it's fine and is happy like that.

When in a group of people I tend to keep back and stay quiet, it doesnt mean that I'm not happy or I'm upset because no one is paying attention to me or I'm judging them , it's quite the opposite, it's just that I prefer to let other people take centre stage. I'll join in the conversation when I'm asked a question or if I can relate to something in that conversation but other than that I'll just listen. I've been called selfish, ignorant, unsocial, mardy and cold because of it but they dont see that just because I dont jump into a conversation every 3 seconds, doesnt mean that I don't enjoy being around them. Which is their problem and insecurities, not mine. Your DD seems to me just like that, but with the exception that the people she's in the group with are happy with her being like that and accept it. She's doing bloody well to be honest.

I have noticed that the people who tend to lash out, get fustrated or slag me off and give up on me are the types who are classic extroverts with a couple of them being insecure thrown in there too. They are in constant touch with each other, always on social networking sites (and it's often the first question they will ask you!) are forever going out and making plans to be doing something with someone. When hearing of someone who either doesn't want to go out, or has no plans the comments of "how boring" or "I'm sure you'll think of something", "you need to get out more" all come out. Sound familiar?

Now, with regards to the insecure comment I've made, I am well aware that this isn't in general but it does fit a couple of people that I know of in RL that sprang into mind when I described that scene.

I can understand people's need to be in contact with someone most of the time. I get it. I just wish that people would get or understand my/our need to be alone most of the time and not take it personally.

You don't sound weird at all!

Like you, I'm lucky enough to have a great group of friends whose company I enjoy very much but am equally happy spending time on my own.

I'd much rather potter around at home gardening/reading/cooking or ride my bike than go out socialising.

Having said that, I have a lovely DS who is very outgoing, gregarious and tactile - no idea where he gets it from as his Dad isn't like that either!

What a wonderful thread! so many comments I can identify with.Have been doing a thinking and evaluating the direction of my life over last two years or - in my mid 50s and in the aftermath of discovering DH had what I will always consider to be an affair.Posted on other threads so won't bore with details of that, but not physical - more a secretive friendship with lots of flirting,texting etc.
Have decided to stay with him and life is generally good now, and I'm happy with my decision.
However I've realized what I need from life to be happy.DH is much more sociable and outgoing than me, hence the flirting also.He's reigned that in now though after the mess it caused!
I'm not shy.In fact I'm quite confident and started my own business from scratch and went out contacting and drumming up business in a difficult climate.
But I LOVE peace and solitude at regular intervals.Find parties unless it's close friends and family a chore.Also love autumn and winter as a good reason to hunker down and be cosy with a good book or film.Love the company of my cats and one very sensible dog.Have a solid group of friends that I cherish and I am very loyal to, but don't feel the need to be constantly on the lookout for new ones.Even when we eat out I let my DH sit facing the main bit of the reastaurant because he's so nosey and outgoing he loves to see who's in and what's going on and I will happily sit facing him and the wall!Having people
to stay for too long, except my DC's and partners I find draining and heave a sigh of relief when they have gone.And the weird thing as I've got older is noise.I love to read in silence.Even the radio on quietly seems like sensory overload and so irritating!

What I guess I'm saying is that I will still compromise and put myself out at times for others.But I've spent years trying to be more sociable and outgoing than I really am.And no more.I know what makes me happy and healthy.I will build in my little pockets of peace and solitutude into each day.I will not feel guilty that I am not a party animal who wants to dancAton the table at any given opportunity.I will be true to myself!

Interesting thread!
I adore being alone and never ever thought there is any negative connotation.
I also have great social skills and can work any room any time but i just like solitude and contemplation best.
My friends ( those that matter) know it and its fine. My closest friends are simply wired and we just complement each other like ying and yang.

I am utterly astonished that there are other women out there like me.

Molepam, your post at 09.36 really hits a cord with me. I have lost so many 'friends' through their insecurities where I have been totally unable to convince them that I am perfectly happy, thank you.

Blissfulsolitude, You sound so like me too.

Just re-read thread at leisure and Bored and Restless your comment on your mum is spot on for me.I love my mum dearly but she seems to regard any sort of silence a social failure and has to fill them immediately.tbh there are times when I think about to see her,or inviting her to ours but I just don't have the mental energy.
One of my brothers also gave me a hard time when I turned 50 and didn't want a big party or fuss.I stood my ground and pointed out we are all different and as it was my'special birthday' I was entitled to celebrate it exactly how I wanted ie. a lovely meal with DH and DC's and then a spa day with a close friend.He and my SIL brought the subject up for several weeks and made me feel I was a social pariah.Despite the fact over the years I have hosted more Xmas and birthday 'do's' than anyone else in the family!
Had a busy weekend so far and now have the house to myself for the afternoon and I am going to wallow in the bath with a good book.Bliss!

I have always said of myself that I dont mind my own company but actually reading this thread I am thinking I do seek to be on my own more than I thought.

I am sociable and quite happy chatting and unlike some I do see a lot of my friends and couldnt go for weeks without having someone over.

Since my xh and I split nigh on 3 years ago I spend a lot more time on my own and love the peace and silence when the DC are with him or out and about. I quite happily go to the cinema and stuff like that alone too.

I watch my teens at play and their lives seem to be so invasive socially with Facebook, Skype, Twitter , BBM etc barely five minutes goes by without some bleep or other !

This thread is so enlightening and comforting
Blissful........I also did the Myers Brigg personality test mentioned up thread and got the INFJ score as well . Interesting to read the traits and so accurate .
You asked about writing as an interest and yes I love it although not very eloquent .
I have few friends I see in real life ...lost them over time due to illness and my solitary ways . The old fashioned pen friend is my preference ...and if I need company then Mumsnet is all I could wish for and more .
it would be so interesting to do a survey on our hobbies and work to see similarities /childhood .nature versus nurture /life experiences .
I just feel tonight so much more comfortable in my skin to know you all are feeling the same and loving your solitude .
great posts .

Perhaps we should have a new chat thread 'Loner's Corner'

I'm happy about my dd and her ways now, it had been worrying me so much. I spoke to her about this thread and she seemed genuinely relieved to hear that I am starting to 'get' where she's coming from.

The endless pursuit of company and friends is pointless when you don't actually want people around you!