To stop making my OH an evening meal even though he works 60hour weeks and I'm a SAHM ?

[ladywithnomanors]

I don't think I am.
I'm a SAHM to a 2, 4 and 6 yo DC's. He often works 60 hour weeks and sometimes 7 days a week. I do everything in the house and with the DC's - except he cuts the back lawn and occasionally puts the bins out.
I cook him a meal every night for when he gets home from work - often a different meal to what I cook for the DC's as he doesn't consider pasta, jacket potatoes, shepherd's pie to be a proper meal ie. it doesn't consist of a huge chunk of meat.
Whatever I serve up he criticises it. I made a curry it was 'flavourless' even though he specified which curry powder to use. I make a roast chicken and it's 'dry' or the potatoes are hard. Apparently my rice is mushy and my meat 'overcooked'. He comes in at night, waliks into the kitchen and wrinkles his nose at the pans bubbling on the stove, ' Mmm what delights do we have tonight??' he says in a sarcastic tone.

Ok I'm not the worlds best cook but I'm not the worst either and I do try. He says I don't as I'm not serving up Masterchef cuisine every night. He very occasionally will say he enjoyed something.

This morning I mentioned that we had sausages in the fridge and so would do the DC's sausage, mash and veg for tea and did he want some making. He response was that he didn't as he used to like sausages until I made them for him and now the thought of them make him retch. I told him that if that was his attitude then I wasn't going to cook for him anymore as he was ungrateful and picky.
I should point out that he is a fantastic cook but hardly cooks as he works so much.

So AIBU to stop cooking and just let him fend for himself and get his own tea when he gets in from work?

Those things he says to your kids, that's NOT a joke. He is being abusive and cruel and getting your kids to join in. That's just awful .

Doesn't really matter what he does while he's out of the house, Numberlock; he's sarcastic and rude when he's in it, and that's the point.

OP, saying horrid things about you to the kids is not 'just a joke'; it's another example of him emotionally bullying you. It will affect the DCs too, believe me; I grew up in a household where my mum employed these kind of tactics all the time to belittle my dad, and once I was old enough to pick up on it all, it was upsetting and frightening.

For example - he'll point at a pic of a gorilla in a book and say ' oo look Mummy!' and they'll all laugh. Or if I do something wrong he'll say ' lets get a new Mummy what do you say kids?'. He says that to your kids OP what the hell is he thinking!!

Well I wouldnt stop cooking but I would stop cooking specifically for him.
If what you are making for the children is suitable (ie not just a jacket potato) then give that to him.

I would do so with a smile and without a comment. If he says he doesnt like it, then say fine but thats whats on offer. Do all this nicely and with a smile, my guess is that will work a lot better than snarling at him.

Felicity - he owns the house .

Stop cooking for the silly bugger AT ONCE. And possibly use his toothbrush to clean the loo.

Can you see op that he is showing your kids it's ok to talk to women like that OP? You are their mother he as your partner should support you.

Erm he sounds like a prick. Sorry.

I would stop doing everything for him. Do it himself. Lazy fucker

Me too, Lady Clarice As a young child I did not see it as a "joke" about getting a new mummy/daddy (both of mine behaved like this, and worse) - mostly because it was never a joke, it was meant. OP, I think your P means it too. It was scary and worrying to hear for me as a child, even if I may have laughed or not become upset, it stuck in my head and made me feel very insecure. Children are acutely aware of these sorts of aggressive undercurrents.

Sorry, meant to say, children are acutely aware of these aggressive undercurrents, even if they can't fully understand them. They leave an indelible mark. Abuse of a parent by the other parent is tantamount to child abuse.

Just give him what you give the kids. If he doesn't like it he can make his own. He's behaving like another child, not a husband.

Ok, do you have savings. Could you leave (almost) immediately if you wanted to? (with the kids obviously).

Im Not saying you have to do it, but have you got the means to if you wanted to?

Felicity - I have no savings, anything I had was whittled away over the 6 years that I haven't worked. I get Child Benefit but pay the Council Tax with this.

Ok, so you need to play the slightly longer game.

Think about what you want and how you can achieve it. Only you know how he might react if you suddenly drastically change your behaviour.

Will challenging him work? Will it improve things?

Are you happy for things to stay as they are?

Or do you need to subtly start saving and planning while keeping the game face on for him?

This isn't just about your cooking, is it?

Felicity - I don't know what to do tbh. I don't have access to any extra money so it would be hard to save anything. I need to start driving lessons and maybe get an evening job and then I would have more options. Thanks for listening .

^" he's fine with the DC's. Although he does do that annoying thing of talking about me to them when I'm there. For example - he'll point at a pic of a gorilla in a book and say ' oo look Mummy!' and they'll all laugh. Or if I do something wrong he'll say ' lets get a new Mummy what do you say kids?'.
Yes it's just a joke ... "^
No, it isn't "just" a joke. It's downright nasty.

How would he like it if you responded "Is daddy being horrible to me again, kids? Shall we look for a new nicer daddy?"

Actually, it might be worth finding the answer to that one?

you pay the council tax with your child benefit?

how on earth do you live?
does he give you money at all for day-to-day living?
or have you been paying for yourself, the household bills and your children with your savings and CB?

Not being sure is fine, but just think about what you want. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you are powerless - you aren't.

Would going back to work (to your old job?) be a possibility. Might change the dynamic of your relationship enough to help you cope in the short term? Pre-dc did you discuss the possiblilty of you going back to work/when?

YASOOOOOONBU

Down tools. Let him feed himself. And the passive aggresive digs need to stop. I wouldn't play him at his own game though, that is not the answer.

He sounds horrible. Wish I had the answers for you

this man is an inadequate fuck

an emotional abuser

and a financial abuser

I recommend you ring Womens Aid and have a chat with someone about the way he treats you, and has you trapped financially

I would also visit the CAB and Benefits Office to see what you would be entitled to were you leave him.

This thread makes me so sad. I hate seeing an OP ask a seemingly simple question and then, when asked more, shows that this behaviour is just the tip of the iceberg.

YADNBU

Whys isn't he, the breadwinner, paying the bills? You are looking after the children and the house, so he should be paying the bills. Why are you using the CB to pay a household bill? That's awful and it means you have no freedom or money.

Please don't marry him! I'm not liking what I hear at all.