To stop making my OH an evening meal even though he works 60hour weeks and I'm a SAHM ?

[ladywithnomanors]

I don't think I am.
I'm a SAHM to a 2, 4 and 6 yo DC's. He often works 60 hour weeks and sometimes 7 days a week. I do everything in the house and with the DC's - except he cuts the back lawn and occasionally puts the bins out.
I cook him a meal every night for when he gets home from work - often a different meal to what I cook for the DC's as he doesn't consider pasta, jacket potatoes, shepherd's pie to be a proper meal ie. it doesn't consist of a huge chunk of meat.
Whatever I serve up he criticises it. I made a curry it was 'flavourless' even though he specified which curry powder to use. I make a roast chicken and it's 'dry' or the potatoes are hard. Apparently my rice is mushy and my meat 'overcooked'. He comes in at night, waliks into the kitchen and wrinkles his nose at the pans bubbling on the stove, ' Mmm what delights do we have tonight??' he says in a sarcastic tone.

Ok I'm not the worlds best cook but I'm not the worst either and I do try. He says I don't as I'm not serving up Masterchef cuisine every night. He very occasionally will say he enjoyed something.

This morning I mentioned that we had sausages in the fridge and so would do the DC's sausage, mash and veg for tea and did he want some making. He response was that he didn't as he used to like sausages until I made them for him and now the thought of them make him retch. I told him that if that was his attitude then I wasn't going to cook for him anymore as he was ungrateful and picky.
I should point out that he is a fantastic cook but hardly cooks as he works so much.

So AIBU to stop cooking and just let him fend for himself and get his own tea when he gets in from work?

Calm down Chazs and Triff, not everyone wants to read what is usually 12 pages of bunfighting before posting (I generally don't - would only get through 1/3 as many topics!)

I think its quite obvious who is referring to the original post about meals, and who is referring to the now exposed abuse.

I'm also not sure what happened there - I think that Natashak make relevant and valuable points in support of the OP ie if OP's cooking is so bad why is he happy for his kids to eat it. That she wouldn't cook for him again, that OP works hard too. What's not to like?

Paiviaso at least read the OP's posts (you can highlight them) so you can see how the story has emerged. Its a reasonable assumption that if you are 12 pages into a thread that is in Relationships the story has probably developed a bit.

BTW there is no bunfighting on this thread so I don't know why you are making reference to some. Everybody has been supportive of the OP.

Springy
Its simply that it has emerged through the 12 pages that her OH belittles and insults her, keeps her so short of money she is selling stuff to buy clothes for the children, tries to get the children to join in the rudeness to her, has told her she has to earn her engagement ring back with sex, threatens to take her mobile off her etc.

Its really moved on from cooking to emotional, verbal, financial and sexually abusive behaviour.

Haven't read the whole thread but my first thought when i read the OP was "emotionally abusive fuckwit". Sounds like a right charmer.

If my DH said those kinds of things to me, he'd end up wearing his dinner. Without the shitty remarks, i would have said YABU not to cook. But with the context, no, YANBU. I hope your situation improves one way or another OP. Nobody should have to stand for being belittled, demeaned and humiliated.

I didn't say there was bunfighting on this particular thread. Many long threads turn into arguments about something that have little to do with the OP, and can be dull/tedious to read. Because of this, some of us answer the OP and move on. If these posts are no longer relevant to the people invested in the thread, then ignore them.

OP hope you are doing ok today. Your mind must be going at 500mph.

Not everybody wants to read 12 pages of bun fighting

Which is why they crash in and post totally unhelpful and insensitive posts, no? But you are right Paiviaso, I'm a lot calmer today with coffee instead of red wine and probably should have resisted commenting.

OP - this is standard abuser tactics. He can sense a change - smell the whiff of fightback. He's scared. He will start offering you crumbs - I bet he offers to take you out for a meal or something nice soon. Anything so that you back down and be the good little housemaid again. As soon as he's got you back where he wants you the abuse will start again.

If you are still with us (hope you are OK) can you tell us what you want from a relationship? What do you expect from a partner?

Have you had any ideas about driving lessons?

Paiviaso I can understand that attitude on AIBU, but this is in Relationships. In my experience a long thread means a woman is in a really hard situation and she is getting sustained support. It's rare for that to be a bunfight on this board. That being so, I think if someone is too busy to read all the OP's posts they are too busy to offer anything of use. JMO.

OP, how are you doing today?

I apologise, I haven't had time to read all the posts but I would like to wish you much luck in sorting your life out and also to tell you that you need to make your own luck

Emotionally, you have accepted a status quo in a relationship which from the supportive postings you have received, you must realise by now is not the norm. Whether you agree with the postings that it is abusive is your call to make, as is whether or not to end the relationship with or without counselling/efforts to improve etc. I would just point out that your DC's of both sexes are absorbing his treatment of you and are likely to either continue it into adulthood as he has done, or accept it as you have. It takes a particularly strong person to identify and reject this sort of conditioning.

Legally and financially you are not in a strong position imo. You are not married and the assets are not shared. Legally however, he is obliged to contribute to the care of his children and you will not be destitute. You worked before you had children and presumably with some support and assistance could rebuild your life and employment prospects. It might take some time, it might not happen overnight but sometimes that puts you in a better position to line up your ducks, ensure family funds are not being squirreled away unknowst to you, and lay your hands on some cash.

I would urge you to step out of your current (though horrendous) comfort zone and start to make changes. I have watched an extended family member do something very similar and she has had a new lease of life since she took control. Her children have never looked back and in one, her chronic and severe eczema mysteriously vanished overnight. To the outside world at least, there was nothing wrong with her marriage and lifestyle until she implemented her Plan B and it all came to light.

Really, really good luck.

oscar good post.

Triffi - yes I'm still here. What do I want from a partner/relationship? mmm respect, love, enjoyment.
I looked into getting a provisional driving licence on line last night. He asked what I was doing, I explained and told him they were £50.
He didn't really answer me. So the next thing I need to do subtley mention finances and ask about me getting a provisional and taking lessons.

He knows something has shifted between us. He didn't even moan about his tea last night and I just saved him some of what the DC had eaten, as suggested on here.

It might help your approach to him with the money/driving situation if you tackle it as if you were still in your old work environment. How would you deal with a client/supplier/customer that was messing you around? You'd be polite but firm. I know you can do it Lady, we're all rooting for you xxx

Respect
Love
Enjoyment

Those are completely reasonable expectations - but I haven't heard any mention of them in description of your DP so far. Keep them in mind. Don't be fooled by some handholding. Personally I think the first one is a minimum for ALL meaningful relationships, and it's what's missing most of all from yours.

I think he might like the fact that you don't drive (keeps you more reliant on him), so I wouldn't be surprised if he is not overjoyed by the thought of you learning. I think you might need a convincing strategy about how it will be in HIS interest for you to learn.

Lady read Oscar again and again, briliant post.

'Talking to him' doesn't help. But when you start instituting a life plan? That is one hell of a boundary, and you WILL get his attention and respect. He too has had bad behaviour modelled to him and when you start changing (well done in the shifting) it isn't being allowed any more.

[This is what I am doing, and I am now being treated a lot more cautiously. Has it got my hopes up? That is irrelevant. I am set on getting a life. What he does/how he reacts is his choice, a separate issue from the vital one I am doing. Just so you know I know what it is like].

So you go, girl, we are rooting for you!

I think that you may find your plans for driving lessons get mysteriously and 'coincidentally' sabotaged by this man. There might all of a sudden be an 'emergency' that eats up any spare money, for example. Or it might be the case that pretty much every time you have a driving lesson booked he is unable to take care of the DC, or he instigates a big row so you are upset and can't concentrate, etc. Persist with the lessons as much as possible, but a key thing to bear in mind is that this man is a bad person and that he is your enemy. So don't cut him any slack when if he moves on to violence or intimidation. Even if it's 'only' a tantrum that involves smashing objects, don't be scared to call the police and have the incident logged.

Lady don't ask about getting a provisional licence just do it. Tell him that he will have to cover the CT this month because you've paid for your licence. Remember your name is not on the property only his so he's the one who is liable for CT not you.

If he starts saying that the household finances won't stretch ask him for details. He'll probably do the martyred "don't you trust / believe me" rather than give you the information.

Sadly I suspect SGB is right and he will try to make your driving lessons as inconvenient as possible.

Abit is right that you have to have your own life plan. Decide what you want to do and tell him what you are doing rather than asking his "permission". Remember your decisions and opinions are just as valid as anyone elses, especially his. You don't need to antagonise him or pick a fight or try to get him to admit he has been an arse, just quietly decide where you want your life to go. You'll soon have a sense if he is trying to support you or undermine you and that may make it very clear why you need to live your own life based on what you think is best for you.

Jeeze, send him to mine for a week, he'd starve to death!

Sparkle kitty, could you have not even read the most recent post to know that this is not about dinner anymore????

You could just tell him you are not paying the council tax anymore as you are using the money for the childen's benefit.

Or say. The council tax is for the property, the property is in your name. You are financially responsible for it.

Totally out there, but could you marry him as part of a long game plan? It would get you more rights for the split up. It is probably pie in the sky but it riles me that you have so few rights or access to cash.

The few days before I left my ex, he also knew something had changed. I planned my escape and have never regretted it. I have a happy marriage now with a man who is a pleasant, kind, civilized human being instead of a rude barbaric jerk. Please don't accept this current life you have with him.

Better to have your kids switch schools than think this is acceptable, and you deserve better, even if you don't fully realize this yet. Good luck.

It is probably pie in the sky but it riles me that you have so few rights or access to cash.
no no no!!!
these days if such a man is taken to court after a split, whether they are married or not, the womans role will be recognized, surely.

No, MelanieSmidge, they aren't. It's a common misconception, but you have the same rights as a lodger. If you don't pay towards the mortgage you have no claim whatsoever on the house, and you are entitled only to the CSA mandated child maintenance. You are not entitled to any financial settlement, nor any share in the family home.

In cases like this, the OP is working for nothing other than a roof over her head, and that roof is at his whim. If he wanted, he could evict her next week. All she could claim would be that CSA.

OP, I agree that you just need to say the CB is not going on his house's expenses any longer.

Melanie this is the gov.t leaflet on it all.

There was an AIBU recently where the stupidest MN I have ever encountered was arguing that this was totally fair. If a woman is a SAHM and unmarried, she is effectively making her financial future precarious in the extreme, unless the house is in her name. And even then there is little compensation in terms of lost salary potential. This is why I think the OP needs to learn to drive and to investigate retraining, and why people are talking about a longterm plan rather than an immediate leaving of this man.

have you thought about one of those driving courses where you work intensively for a week and get your license at the end?

you might have to leave him with the children while you do it but if you get your license in one quick go, you will be free to do whatever you need to.

i must admit i have read the first 2 pages and the last 2 pages only. it was enough, the bit where he asked the children if they wanted a new mother was enough. get away from him. investigate the cost of driving lessons, save your cb and get yourself and the children away from him.