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Original poster

To stop making my OH an evening meal even though he works 60hour weeks and I'm a SAHM ?

326 replies

ladywithnomanors · 15/08/2012 13:02

I don't think I am.
I'm a SAHM to a 2, 4 and 6 yo DC's. He often works 60 hour weeks and sometimes 7 days a week. I do everything in the house and with the DC's - except he cuts the back lawn and occasionally puts the bins out.
I cook him a meal every night for when he gets home from work - often a different meal to what I cook for the DC's as he doesn't consider pasta, jacket potatoes, shepherd's pie to be a proper meal ie. it doesn't consist of a huge chunk of meat.
Whatever I serve up he criticises it. I made a curry it was 'flavourless' even though he specified which curry powder to use. I make a roast chicken and it's 'dry' or the potatoes are hard. Apparently my rice is mushy and my meat 'overcooked'. He comes in at night, waliks into the kitchen and wrinkles his nose at the pans bubbling on the stove, ' Mmm what delights do we have tonight??' he says in a sarcastic tone.

Ok I'm not the worlds best cook but I'm not the worst either and I do try. He says I don't as I'm not serving up Masterchef cuisine every night. He very occasionally will say he enjoyed something.

This morning I mentioned that we had sausages in the fridge and so would do the DC's sausage, mash and veg for tea and did he want some making. He response was that he didn't as he used to like sausages until I made them for him and now the thought of them make him retch. I told him that if that was his attitude then I wasn't going to cook for him anymore as he was ungrateful and picky.
I should point out that he is a fantastic cook but hardly cooks as he works so much.

So AIBU to stop cooking and just let him fend for himself and get his own tea when he gets in from work?

OP posts:
Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 15/08/2012 14:58

Nickel - He pays for the household but I don't get any money directly. I sell my DC's old clothes and toys and my old clothes etc to buy things for me or the kids.
Felicity - I could go and do my old job but would need to retrain. It was never my intention to completely stop work but we emigrated not long after I had my DC1 and so stopped work then. Since we came back I had DC3 and the chance to go back has never come up.

OP posts:
amybelle1990 · 15/08/2012 14:58

YANBU

He wouldn't tolerate rudeness in his workplace, why should you put up with it in yours. If he works a 60 hour week he could probs afford a takeaway instead of being horrible to you

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/08/2012 15:02

How much personal spending money does he have each week and how much do you have?

amybelle1990 · 15/08/2012 15:02

Wait a mo, just read the money bit... that's horrible! He sounds totally selfish. Have you asked him for support to retrain? He could probably cut down on his hours then and cook for himself ^^

KellyElly · 15/08/2012 15:04

Well as you also work seven days a week every week and do it 365 days a year no YANBU.

YouOldSlag · 15/08/2012 15:05

OP- you have to sell yours and the DC's clothes for money because you use the CB for a household bill? You're trapped! talk to him about this.

Working a 60 hour week (does that include the commute?) does not entitle anyone to be an arsehole. Just because your work is unpaid doesn't make it less valid than his day.

You should have the CB for yourself and the kids in case they need new clothes/ a day trip/ drinks etc. You need to talk to him. Sounds the food fussiness is the tip of the iceberg. And he STILL hasn't given you your engagement ring back?

Ask yourself, hand on heart, is he really the one for you? can you see a happy future, or just an existence?

PiedWagtail · 15/08/2012 15:07

Oh, he sounds horrible. I would spit in dh's dinner if he said that to me!

I'd either make him what the DC are having, or nothing at all, and tell hm exactly why. Rude ungrateful twat. Sorry.

Theglassishalffull · 15/08/2012 15:09

I think you need to work out OP what you want. Things can not go on as it is. Do you want to stay OP?

nickelcognito · 15/08/2012 15:09

okay, what are you classing as "the household" ?

i would class all bills, including council tax, electric/gas, phone/broadband, tv licence, mortgage, food, toiletries, clothes/toys/books for DCs, white goods, anything that's used by everyone in the house, as household.

i wouldn't include your clothes, make-up, phone, or the same of your H's.
ie: anything and everything except those things which you or your DH use exclusively are "household"

if you're paying for council tax out of the child benefit, that means you're paying "household"

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 15/08/2012 15:09

Chaz - I have no idea how much he has left out of his wage after bills etc. I have not much just depends - enough for a bottle of red and a magazine on a Fri night - hence ebaying things so I can buy things.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 15/08/2012 15:10

This man is seriously abusive and going to get worse, not better. Everything you have said describes severe and unfixable domestic abuse. Basically he hates women. He doesn't consider that you are a human being. To him, you're somewhere between a household appliance and a not-very-well-trained dog that he is entitled to bully. It makes him feel good to criticize you, he wants you utterly cowed and submissive. This will have been happening in slow stages, and of course he's not horrible all the time. At least, not yet. I wonder if he's at the stage of 'accidentally' hurting you yet? Does he stand on your foot by mistake, or bump into you, or shut doors or drawers on your hand?

There is nothing that you can do that will turn him into a nice human being and a good husband. Seriously: start making plans to get rid of him.

nickelcognito · 15/08/2012 15:11

sorry, P not H

Wigglewoo · 15/08/2012 15:13

This is awful. He is a pig.

You should both have knowledge and access to all the money coming in and an equal amount of spending money.

If you cook for him again put arsenic in it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/08/2012 15:14

lady
DH is a SAHD and I am the breadwinner. We do not have shared finances (for various historic reasons) but we have similar amounts of spending money, DH knows exactly how much I earn and how much the household expenses are. We both have our own savings and we both know exactly how much we each have. Neither of us question the others use of our spending money apart from some of the random tat DH buys at car boot sales

You have a right to know how much money is coming in to your household and what it is being spent on.

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 15/08/2012 15:15

Nickel - he pays for the bills - except CT , food and my mobile (this was an Xmas present which his has recently threatened to cut off as I've 'had my money's worth).
I pay the council tax with my Child Benefit. If I need new clothes I Ebay something as I don't like asking for money. If I want to get the children something I ebay something else.

OP posts:
TanteRose · 15/08/2012 15:16

what would happen if you asked him for more money? are you worried/frightened of what he might say or do?

if so, you need to get out - god, you poor thing Sad

miomio · 15/08/2012 15:17

One family=one meal. Simple. If you are not in at the main meals time you get it out of the fridge and heat it up. Works for us.

shrodingerscat · 15/08/2012 15:18

God, this just gets worse and worse. You really need to see a solicitor. You may have rights to remain in the house while the children are minors (not sure how it work for non married partners) and he will have to pay for the children. Why did you emigrate then come back? Can you prove you gave up your job/career because of him?

Do you keep a diary of all this stuff? If not, start now. Has anyone else witnessed his verbal jibes, other than the children?

amicissimma · 15/08/2012 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 15/08/2012 15:26

If I asked for money he'd probably say he didn't have any. So I don't bother anymore.
Shrodinger - we came back because I had depression and was very unhappy.
His mum knows he does it but her husband was exactly the same so she doesn't comment although I think she knows I put up with a lot.

OP posts:
stemginger · 15/08/2012 15:30

you probably had depression because your husband is an abusive git

GnocchiNineDoors · 15/08/2012 15:32

Dear lord, dinners are the least of your worries.

In answer to your initial q, YADNBU. Plate up a portion of whatever you are making as a gesture, however if he doesn;t want this, he makes something himself.

Alternatively, a qualified Chef may well be on a salary of arounf £30k, so you could suggest he pays you that and you will, in turn, plate up a decent (not saying yours isnt already) meal each night.

You don't have access to any of the household money???? Shock

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/08/2012 15:33

He works 60 hours a week in a managerial position and runs a business on the weekend and he hasn't got any money? Unless you have a large mortgage or other debts I don't think he is telling you the full story.

Bumblebee333 · 15/08/2012 15:37

It depends on if you enjoy cooking? If you do you might enjoy a cookery class on an evening (let him look after kids so he can have a taster of your day). If you are happy with your level of cooking and cook because you have to rather than wanting to then i would just tell him to make his own...for a week and see how he feel then.