To stop making my OH an evening meal even though he works 60hour weeks and I'm a SAHM ?

[ladywithnomanors]

I don't think I am.
I'm a SAHM to a 2, 4 and 6 yo DC's. He often works 60 hour weeks and sometimes 7 days a week. I do everything in the house and with the DC's - except he cuts the back lawn and occasionally puts the bins out.
I cook him a meal every night for when he gets home from work - often a different meal to what I cook for the DC's as he doesn't consider pasta, jacket potatoes, shepherd's pie to be a proper meal ie. it doesn't consist of a huge chunk of meat.
Whatever I serve up he criticises it. I made a curry it was 'flavourless' even though he specified which curry powder to use. I make a roast chicken and it's 'dry' or the potatoes are hard. Apparently my rice is mushy and my meat 'overcooked'. He comes in at night, waliks into the kitchen and wrinkles his nose at the pans bubbling on the stove, ' Mmm what delights do we have tonight??' he says in a sarcastic tone.

Ok I'm not the worlds best cook but I'm not the worst either and I do try. He says I don't as I'm not serving up Masterchef cuisine every night. He very occasionally will say he enjoyed something.

This morning I mentioned that we had sausages in the fridge and so would do the DC's sausage, mash and veg for tea and did he want some making. He response was that he didn't as he used to like sausages until I made them for him and now the thought of them make him retch. I told him that if that was his attitude then I wasn't going to cook for him anymore as he was ungrateful and picky.
I should point out that he is a fantastic cook but hardly cooks as he works so much.

So AIBU to stop cooking and just let him fend for himself and get his own tea when he gets in from work?

OMG! This is my ex H AND his Dad!

Always a problem, not seasoned enough, too salty, spaghetti bolognese too dry, lasagne too wet, steak too well done, chips not done enough, salad not a real meal, meat could not be frozen then cooked, had to be bought fresh daily.

I used to love cooking it was My Thing, I stopped cooking for him in the end and three years after we've split I still can't be bothered, he completely took all enjoyment out of it for me.

I rather suspect your DH is a nasty piece of work in many other ways too OP.

No, I'd stop cooking for him until he learns some manners. You shouldn't have to put up with that.

YANBU at all, what a twat. And even if he were hugely appreciative of your cooking, I don't get this crap about 'he's providing for the family for 60 hours a week' - and so is OP, by looking after three small children for probably much longer than 60 hours a week. That's bloody hard work too. While he's at home, he should be doing 50/50 of the housework, and why should that not include cooking?!

He sounds like my exH, very critical of my cooking, dress sense, hair, skin tone, body, voice, ideas, if I didn't wake up exactly the same time as him, it is because I was lazy, he used to supervise me cleaning the house and I could never fold his clothes and put it back properly in the wardrobe. I wasn't intelligent enough and also I had to have a shower with him everything because he wanted to make sure I was clean...he used to criticise the mother style I would be and we didn't even were planning kids yet...I feel sorry for his current wife.

You're worth more than this lady, and you know it.

It's basic disrespect for you and the hard work you do.

Keeping your self respect is vital, and I would echo what a previous poster said, it teaches your DC that this is what adult relationships are like.

Can he change? Do you want him too?

I dont see the point of this thread, as OP is likely to put up with the abusive behavior

God complexo you're well shot of him! He sounds like he has some serious problems!

I am also a SAHM and my DH just eats whatever I give him even though I'm no great cook and we usually both have what DCs eat. He would never criticise what I cook as he's grateful to have a meal when he comes in.

I'm so sorry he puts you down in other ways too. Ask him how he would feel if other people criticised you the way he did or if he heard one of his friends talking to their OH in that way?

"I told him that that was funny because everyone else who had seen me in it had commented on how much it suited me. I told my friend this a few days later and she said I looked lovely in the dress and that he was a nob"

Hold onto this. You are a) awesome and clearly quite foxy b)have fab friends. That was a great comeback from you and shows that the git hasn't completely knackered your self esteem.

So, just don't put up with his shit. Pull him up on it. Throw some more comebacks his way whenever he's rude. Demand some respect. Presumably he wasn't always like this, so make sure he knows it's not acceptable now, not ever. It may be that he's got used to throwing his weight around at work and has not realised how hideous he's being at home - not an excuse, just the way it goes sometimes.

I can see why somebody working a 60 hour week outside the home might expect a meal

Why? What would he do if he was single, come home and starve? Dh (and I) both worked 60+ hour weeks when we were single/childless. We still managed to feed ourselves at the end of the day (taking it in turns to cook when we started to live together). Now we have children, we both do the same hours, I just do mine as a SAHM. The OP works 60+ hours too, why shouldn't she expect a meal cooked for her at the end of the day?

Anyway, it sounds like the OP's cooking is just a convenient outlet for the H's wankery. Even if she cooked like Delia Smith, sounds like he'd find a reason to have a go at her.

Buy the tosser a slow cooker and tell him to prepare his own evening meal before he leaves for work in the morning. Then go find yourself some self-esteem.

YANBU.

1 or 2 comments like this everyday?! That's awful OP. I feel so sad that you are making this effort for him and he might well work long hours but what else does he bring to the table?

If he was single he'd have to sort his own dinner out wouldn't he? I make all the meals on week nights as I work from home and it's easier for me to get them started while DH is on his way home. If he gave me constructive advice such as needs more heat/less spice/more veg whatever, fine. Constant criticism, sarcasm and ingratitude would result in him becoming rather well-acquainted with the meals-for-one section of the supermarket.

YANBU

You're looking after 3 young kids every day from waking to sleeping. Two, four and six are not easy ages. I'd say that was more than a 60 hour week. Put aside a portion of whatever the kids had. He has two choices.

Take it.
Leave it

He is also setting a bad example to the kids. Shrodinger makes a good point- did he have a personal chef when he was single and childless? No! He had to come home and feed himself. Well he can do that again if he doesn't like the meal you prepared.

I do think YABU to stop cooking for him, a 60 hour week at work to provide for the family does in my opinion deserve a meal cooked

Doesn't mean he's earned the right to be overcritical, bullying, sarcastic and ungrateful LisaD1.

YADNBU ladywithnomanors. I recommend you do exactly as expatinscotland says.

Diabolo - we're not married so at least I won't have to get a divorce! We're engaged - we have been for 6 years but I no longer have my engagement ring as I threw it at him in an argument months ago and he won't give it back to me.
Hecate - he's fine with the DC's. Although he does do that annoying thing of talking about me to them when I'm there. For example - he'll point at a pic of a gorilla in a book and say ' oo look Mummy!' and they'll all laugh. Or if I do something wrong he'll say ' lets get a new Mummy what do you say kids?'.
Yes it's just a joke but not one I think should be made in front of the DC's. My son always says 'No I don't want a new Mummy I love the one I've got.'

Cooking strike I say. He can make his own.

I couldn't care less if he did 60 hour weeks and provided for his family.

Okay, i've got halfway down page 2, and I'd say he isn't much of a catch. Apart from what he earns - I hope it's lots considering the hours he works - what's in it for you? By all means, leave him some dinner aside from what you've prepared for the DCs, but he doesn't appreciate what you make for him separately, so you ANBU to stop doing this.

So what can you do with the extra time you spare from not making his dinners? something nice just for you? read a good book? listen to some music? watch a film? take up a new hobby?

And, since he's clearly emotionally abusive, do you have a get out plan in case things escalate once he isn't having his dinner made for him? Cash hidden away in case you need to leave? Good luck, OP.

yes he works hard

How do we know he works hard? I know plenty of people who are in the office for this amount of time - a vast amount of it is unproductive but it guarantees they miss the morning and evening shifts at home.

On the other hand, perhaps he is doing 60 hours digging roads with his bare hands, perhaps the OP could enlighten us.

*Although he does do that annoying thing of talking about me to them when I'm there. For example - he'll point at a pic of a gorilla in a book and say ' oo look Mummy!' and they'll all laugh. Or if I do something wrong he'll say ' lets get a new Mummy what do you say kids?'.
Yes it's just a joke but not one I think should be made in front of the DC's. My son always says 'No I don't want a new Mummy I love the one I've got.' *

That is not a joke, it is at best, passive aggression, and at worst, verbal abuse.

Am very glad you are not married to this git.

It sounds like he is very tired and irritable and not his best self you also are pushed to the absolute limit with three DC's and a house to run.
Is this a sign of disrespect creeping in because you bothe lead such different (and trying) lives?

I think this is just a symptom of a bigger problem- yes he is COMPLETELY unreasonable to ask this of you and not just be grateful for what he is given but it seems like you both need to remember why you created this life together in the first place.

I wish you luck, whether you do or don't cook for him again the fact still remains that youre both pushed to the limit and something has got to give.

He's a bully.

The meals are a tiny symptom of the problem and he's teaching your children that it's okay to laugh at you. (Although it appears that one of your DC sees right through him).

You need to have a chat...

my goodness he sounds horrid - if he's working those hours and supporting you guys he must be earning enough to pay for takeaways or that COOK branded food that he can just heat up o his return - I just can't believe people talk to each other like that in relationships.

Numberlock - he has a management position, so stressful but not physically hard iykwim. And the weekend he runs his own business.

"For example - he'll point at a pic of a gorilla in a book and say ' oo look Mummy!' and they'll all laugh. Or if I do something wrong he'll say ' lets get a new Mummy what do you say kids?'."

So he is trying to make the kids cheerleaders in his rudeness towards you.

How would he react if you pointed to a picture of a gorilla in a book and went "oo look Daddy!" or when he complains about your cooking you went "Daddy's so fussy, lets get a new Daddy!"

Thank goodness you aren't married.

next thing, who owns the house?