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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Chutney Twunt pt 3

999 replies

LouP19 · 14/08/2012 16:39

Back again, is this a record? How many threads can this bastard have? You are all keeping me going this afternoon - you and friends on email and friends on text. It's keeping me angry which is good.

OP posts:
moomoo1967 · 15/08/2012 13:50

I am Shock at recent developments, just when you think that he couldn't possibly get any worse. I admire how strong you are LouP

LouP19 · 15/08/2012 13:53

Hello all, at work, quite therapeutic, have done a bit of work and still chatting to colleagues lots and lots which is good. Also got taken for a hot chocolate this morning. Smile.

Thank you for all the messages. I know, I did suspect a pregnancy earlier on given the suddenness of his departure. I guess with every other body blow it had faded into the background over the last few days though.

But 5 months pregnant,......... due in early December?!!!! This is the earthshattering bit. The fact that he KNEW for 3/4 months whilst still living and sleeping with me. What was he playing at, how dare he?!!! It is shocking to the very core. I suspect he was holding out for her to have an abortion. The fact he has shown more loyality to her than me is devastating.

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 15/08/2012 13:59

Twunt. They are all twunts who should be shot and then nailed to the wall by their balls (im not having a good day, lol). We can line them all up, anybody got a nail gun handy?

Im glad you are having a good day at work, it helps to take your mind off if you can concentrate on something for a bit.

Whatever happens in your life, you will be fine. He will end up sad, lonely and with no money because he has to pay it all to the CSA for his trail of children.

You are doing so well Lou.

StuntGirl · 15/08/2012 14:02

He's a vile man Lou, truly not worth your time or headspace. You will reach that point eventually :)

Glad work is going well for you. Your colleagues sound lovely!

Has he tried any more contact? Remember you don't have to tell him anything, you don't owe him anything. He owes you a hell of a lot, like the truth for a start, but who knows if he'll ever give that. Bloody idiot that he is!

Doha · 15/08/2012 14:07

Keep your cards close to your chest Lou. Tell him only what he needs to know at the moment.
He certainly didn't keep you in the loop. The less he knows , the less he can control and the more freeked out he will be.
I feel sorry for you and the OW as who knows what pack of lies he has been telling her.

It's all going tits up for him now....

Halfling · 15/08/2012 14:20

I have a feeling that the OW is not so innocent. It would be quite an elaborate charade for your H to pull off without the OW also knowing and cooperating. Who would date someone and go ahead and conceive a baby without even visiting that man's house or meeting his friends and family etc.?

Allalonenow · 15/08/2012 14:22

Don't be devastated Lou, his loyalty is worthless, false and fake.

His actions have shown you that all his noble emotions, such as loyalty honesty kindness, compassion, have been corrupted and been replaced by cruelty and selfishness.

Have another hot chocolate ASAP

blackcurrants · 15/08/2012 14:22

glad work is going well, Lou - you are instinctively surrounding yourself with supportive people, which is very smart and bodes well.

without wishing to be insensitive, people are probably right about your physical feelings at this time. I found the first 15 weeks of both pregnancies completely exhausting. Goodness only knows how it might have been if I'd experienced such a complete bombshell as you have! a murdering spree, maybe. so keep doing all the clever things you're doing to eat and rest and take care of yourself. xx

LouP19 · 15/08/2012 14:32

"I have a feeling that the OW is not so innocent. It would be quite an elaborate charade for your H to pull off without the OW also knowing and cooperating. Who would date someone and go ahead and conceive a baby without even visiting that man's house or meeting his friends and family etc.?"

I agree Hafling, I also don't believe she's that innocent. I would certainly never do what she's done. She's never met any of his family, his friends (he doesn't have many), seen where he lives. It is all a little strange to say the least. She's probably as warped and deluded in the head as he is.

OP posts:
garlicnuts · 15/08/2012 14:48

Lots of people would, if they believed he was just waiting for things to be finalised for his divorce. I had to live with both exes before being able to move out. X2's next wife knew where we lived, but wouldn't come in the house. Chutney could easily have painted that same scenario. Or he might have used a friend's place, telling her he was sharing. Or even have rented a room (you'd have to be a massive weirdo to do that, and we know he is.)

JUbilympiX · 15/08/2012 14:57

You know the address to which you were going to forward his mail, before he went off the deep end forbidding you to do it? How well do you know the person who lives there

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 15/08/2012 15:00

I'm so freakin' shocked he doesn't have many friends Lou Wink

tribpot · 15/08/2012 15:07

Accidental pregnancies happen. People believe all kinds of things because they want to. And he's clearly a highly convincing liar. He's currently living somewhere you don't know, who's to say it isn't a pre-existing place as garlicnuts says. Frankly, who's to say he doesn't have friends you don't know about? All those convenient business trips away? I have a friend who got caught drink driving in the town where he lived, when his wife thought he was away on business. In that particular case, the guy was basically covering up a massive alcohol problem and pretending to be away to go on benders without his wife knowing, but it's the same principle.

Who knows what the OW knew or did or planned; the point is, you probably never will know for sure. I can fully understand how you're unable just to put her to one side in all this but you need to deal with facts as they pertain to your own situation and your own marriage. The other pregnancy is not a fact (yet). If he has made it up to get you to terminate your pregnancy, he's going to be spitting chips when he finds out you've told his parents, what a shame. But what matters is you, though, and what you need to get through the next few days.

Alurkatsoftplay · 15/08/2012 15:08

His actions suggest she doesnt know much. I would guess that it was a casual thing, twunt was having his cake and eating it, and planned to continue in that way. Then she got pregnant, insisted she was having it, and from that moment only - early may- twunt realised he would have to jump ship. Hence his leaving so resolute (brutal). Hiding where he is living does suggest he was cacking himself - first from you going there seeing she was pregnant, and now going round there showing you are pregnant.
I'm sorry Lou. You sound like a wonderful person. Keep on keeping on.

JUbilympiX · 15/08/2012 15:22

I wonder if the friend at the address he gave you found out what ChutneyBalls was doing and told him to never darken his door again, hence the panic when you said you would forward his mail there.

NoWayNoHow · 15/08/2012 15:38

It's not suo much about innocent or not innocent with the OW. My friend, for example, has separated from her H. He only moved out recently, almost a year after separating, and was already in another relationship whilst still living in the same house as my friend. She, too, was in a relationship. They were the genuine example of two people who had moved on from their marriage emotionally, but were just waiting for the practical circumstances to play catch up.

Your H, beinh the lying fucking arsehole that he is, could well have fed all of the above to the OW. She may genuinely have believed that he was being monogamous to her alone. In that light, whether or not the pregnancy was planned or not doesn't really matter.

Again, even if she is the devil himself incarnate in blonde Italian form, she is NOT THE ENEMY. She wasn't married to you, she wasn't trying to have a baby with you, she didn't commit to you forever, they were not her vows to break.

Assuming she knew that it was an affair rather than a relationship with a separated man, then obviously she's not blameless.

But HE is the twunt in this situation. He's the one who took all the chutney. Don't forget that, and channel that anger proactively and healthily into taking action to move your life forward in a positive way.

BonDepart · 15/08/2012 15:41

My friend was lied to for several months by a man who was still married. These gits can be extrememly persuasive and convincing. He told her he and his DW were separated (still living together though) and that DW was 'a bit psycho' so he had to avoid drama at all costs. He couldn't introduce her (my friend) to his family and friends until all his divorce was sorted out because W was so far gone down the road of lunacy that she'd take him for every penny blah blah. He was treading on eggshells he said, but all on the advice of his legal team and he'd be divorced 'soon'. Of course 'soon' never came and my friend found out the truth - he wasn't separated, his wife was as normal as the rest of us and more to the point she had no clue either about what had been going on.
Maybe my friend was naive at best, stupid at worst, for believing him, but she did. Just saying, it happens.

mummyinspain · 15/08/2012 15:57

not got much time at the moment, but you are doing very well Lou.

Mellower · 15/08/2012 16:20

Yes DonDepart I too am a lunatic!!!

springydaffs · 15/08/2012 16:33

me too. I bitterly regret it on every possible level. I'm not the type tbf.

You don't know what he's told her. That's not to say she is innocent - you can't possibly know at this stage - but I doubt very very much he has told her anything honest. which is why he's shitting himself now you're pg and everyone is finding out what he's done, the truth is emblazoned out, when he has gone to so much trouble to cover his tracks and thought he had it all stitched up with surgical precision. Deluded. Actually, INSANE when you both work at the same place!

I have a fantasy that you could put his photo on lamposts around town with details of his crime. but you'd get done for libel, more's the pity . Ah, bring back the stocks, I say.

thecook · 15/08/2012 16:41

Lou I have read all your threads but this is the first time I have posted. I think you and your family are marvellous. I loved it how you mentioned your cats too.

Chutney is an absolute disgrace. Words fail me.

thecook · 15/08/2012 16:45

springydaffs Even better a website. You could enter their details, area, their twuntness etc

Then any concerned ladies who think they have got involved with the person could PM the original poster to clarify the details.

It could save a lot of heartache.

fhdl34 · 15/08/2012 16:49

Don't get distracted by the OW, she has made no promises of loyalty and faithfulness to you, she owes you nothing. It's the chutney twunt that has done this to you. Whilst it takes 2 to tango, it's only him that promised not to tango with anyone else and no deserves your anger more than him, don't waste it on her. Sounds like you did well at work today, just take 1 day at time.

ForeverAutumnNow · 15/08/2012 16:55

Its inevitable that the latest news will affect the way you view your own pregnancy initially, Lou. In the long run though, it changes nothing. You will still need to make a decision based solely on what is right for you, without the need for any game playing, or one-upmanship. Im fairly sure that`s not your style any way.

Im afraid I too am finding it hard to dredge up much sympathy for OW. She may well be completely in the dark, regarding your Hs life with you. On the other hand, she too may have done a runner, with a load of preserves, and the other half of the cutlery. Maybe even leaving behind another devastated partner. There are never any winners at a time like this, but you will be left with your dignity and integrity intact. The same won`t be true of your "D" H.

springydaffs · 15/08/2012 17:43

erm fhdl - I get your point about the chunt but I'm not with you about OW. Kind of moral law in there somewhere (if she's in the know). We don't just all do what we want just because we haven't made any 'promises'.

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