Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Chutney Twunt pt 3

999 replies

LouP19 · 14/08/2012 16:39

Back again, is this a record? How many threads can this bastard have? You are all keeping me going this afternoon - you and friends on email and friends on text. It's keeping me angry which is good.

OP posts:
Thymeout · 15/08/2012 17:57

Just to say I agree with your mother about your in-laws. It's good that they aren't defending your H, but they are in a difficult position, too, and there will come a time when they'll be under pressure to acknowledge your H's new relationship, and child. Or cut themselves off from their son, which is unlikely to happen.

It depends how close you are to them, but this can feel like a second betrayal with things happening behind your back, so the more emotionally detached from them you can be, the better.

I agree with Forever Autumn, both paras, but particularly re the OW. Just too many things she must have been overlooking in her need to believe it was all above board. Not seeing him at home, not being able to ring, not meeting his family. Anyway, innocent or not, you must feel as if she's stolen your life and your feelings are entirely understandable.

Did your H give you any information about her?

AuntieMaggie · 15/08/2012 18:01

I've been lurking on your threads but just wanted to send you a big hug. You are doing amazingly well with what has been thrown at you.

If you divorce before you have the baby does it affect how much financial support you get from him? Just thinking this might be another reason he's wanting you to divorce him.

About the baby - when you're thinking about whether to keep the baby don't dwell on it being his. Yes it would hurt to have to deal with him in the short term but realistically how much will you have to speak to/see him?

I can't help feeling that sad as it sounds he won't be interested in contact winterestith the baby long term anyway. I think once he realises it won't be on his terms he'll lose interest. He's already shown how selfish and cowardly he is.

3kidsand4cats · 15/08/2012 18:01

i don't blame the ow in my case; because it was me my ex made my vows to, she didn't owe me anything. but when i was really struggling i loathed her as a fellow woman, because she had apparently been left by a husband for an ow, and so she did to me what had been done to her, and i reeled at thinking another woman could know what it was like and still do it. i remember telling my mum that i wished her all she deserved, and she said, 'but she has that love, she's got your ex'. which is true enough. i chuckle now, knowing what is ahead of her, when she gets to know the 'real' him, warts and all.

I love the name 'The Chunt' btw, think it's brill.

i think if you back away from all that the chunt is doing, and focus on yourself and what you want, you will see it all unfold very well. it takes a lot of resolve to stand back and let go, but it helped me. karma, and all that.

mathanxiety · 15/08/2012 18:02

Lou, the reason he seems more 'loyal' to her than to you right now is that she is still stroking hie ego the way he wants it stroked. He is still in the phase of the relationship where he is love bombing her and has put her on a pedestal because he has projected onto her the ability to respond to him, to want him, to feed his massive ego needs. She is not a real person yet to him.

'His loyalty is worthless' exactly. It is skin deep. He is loyal to the OW partly in order to save face here too. He has managed to completely exit from your life, and he knows you know what a turd he is, and by this stage he knows his parents and family are in on it too, but his ego can't contemplate having the OW know him as you do just yet this would be too much of a failure of his cleverness for him to deal with. She will eventually see him for what he is, but he will be ready to devalue her when that time comes. He will have chewed her up and he will be ready to spit her out, wipe her from the sole of his shoe -- choose whatever metaphor you want.

As her pregnancy advances and she pays more and more attention to herself and her baby (this will happen especially after the baby is born and she simply won't have the energy to baby him as well as the real baby) she will suddenly become unbearably real to him, i.e., it will become clear to him that she doesn't understand she was put on this earth to exist purely for him, he will devalue her just as he has completely devalued you.

When he blithely told you your pregnancy was an inconvenience, and told you he had also pressured the OW to abort, he showed you his true nature. Dealing with the complete devaluation that psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists predictably dish out is incredibly hard. It is like being stabbed in the heart with an ice pick.

His game is dominance. Engaging with him means reinforcing his feeling that he is winning. Indifference and radio silence is the only way to deal with him. It is incredibly hard to pick yourself up from where he left you and move on as if he had been a ship passing in the night, but the only way to retain sanity is to trust the healing property of time, and to do only what is right for you with no regard for him, no second guessing of how he might react if you did this, or that, or the other. He has left your life. It is both an unimaginable hurt and a huge opportunity all at the same time

A good, experienced solicitor can help you focus on the cold, hard, legal and financial facts and not on the emotional end of it all staying there in that emotional morass where your mind comes face to face with the scale of the duplicity and is unable to take in the deviance means the psycho wins. Included in focusing on him and what he has done is focus on the OW and all the questions swirling around. It is a struggle and very wrenching to see your life reduced to the legalese of a divorce petition (and especially to read the garbage that will come back from his end in response) to see your love and your hopes for the future encapsulated in dates of marriage or cohabitation, your address, how much is owed on the mortgage but in a way it can be cathartic to see it all stripped bare, down to the nuts and bolts.

Deal with the emotional fallout by doing exactly what you are doing you are going to work, you are maintaining your good relationships with your colleagues, your parents and others who are normal and decent. You are trying to make a decision about the baby please do this without regard to him, without regard for the what ifs as 3Kids said earlier, and try to trust that there are honest, normal people just like you out there in vast numbers they far outnumber the deviants and that this world is a good place.

Integrity and honesty and decency are always the right way to conduct yourself even if there is no immediately visible payoff. That is the one insight you and other normal people have that your deviant H will never comprehend. Living like that will ensure that you escape from his clutches.

FrankelSaysRelax · 15/08/2012 18:05

[applauds math]

[waves "What Math Said" banner]

catfart · 15/08/2012 18:12

Excellent post by Mathanxiety, couldn't agree with what she says more.

Doha · 15/08/2012 18:12

Brilliant post math...

mathanxiety · 15/08/2012 18:21

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/1540198-Partners-wife-has-gone-crazy

Take a look at this thread to see a woman who is imo being love bombed. It's like watching a slow motion train crash.

But again, try not to think too much about the OW.

garlicnuts · 15/08/2012 18:22

Also waving "What Math Said" banner!

MadBusLady · 15/08/2012 18:40
Thymeout · 15/08/2012 19:01

I'd like to be able to agree with you Aunt Maggie, but there are an awful lot of threads on here where the ExH goes on to cause no end of trouble over custody, contact, maintenance in the future.

And I'm afraid the OW is relevant, because, if she continues with the pregnancy, poor Lou will have to have some sort of relationship with her, too. There would be step-siblings.

Chocoraisin's thread is a good example of the kind of distress this can cause.

I know everyone wants to be positive and optimistic. But it's misleading to ignore the realities of the situation.

springydaffs · 15/08/2012 19:50

I have to agree with you Thymeout. MIne made no end of trouble. The trick is to make out you want the exact opposite of what you want (I've said that so many times on here...) eg if you want him involved, be as obstructive as possible... if you want him not involved, beg him to be involved. YOu get the opposite of what you want ime. I sound facetious but I'm so not being - bitter experience.

Or pretend you're not pg and have the babe on the quiet. I'm not joking, though I've been flamed to a crisp for saying so. There is not a shadow of doubt that my kids would have been better off without their father in their lives, but you're dead if you say so. These psychopaths/sociopaths treat everyone the same, which includes their kids. So the appalling shock/s Lou has had - that's the type of thing he'll do to his kids. As I said, bitter experience.

Babylon1 · 15/08/2012 20:09

Hi lou, it's taken me a while to catch up but I've got there and all I can say is WOW Sad what a first class prized pillock the chutney twunt is Angry

I'm also here to offer my services as it wereWink
Don't go hiring PIs etc, I live 5 mins from you and with a few details from you, car reg, likely routine and place of work, I'll have you a current address within 24 hours which you can then do what you like with. I'll also get you some photo evidence if you like of his new address??

You've got my number, you only have to ask Wink

I'm just completely shocked for you, I really am SadAngry

Rowanhart · 15/08/2012 20:26

Yey Babylon!

ItWentThatWay · 15/08/2012 20:26

Have to agree with springydaffs - this particular type of evil bastard do turn on their kids sooner or later. I have 3 with mine, he's turned on two already. The eldest one because he's jealous of him!

catsrus · 15/08/2012 20:29

I know you are not happy about being tied to him through a child, and I understand that. If you get divorced quickly and the baby is born after the decree absolute then he will not have automatic parental rights as you will not be married at the time of the birth. If you do not agree to him being on the birth certificate (And he would have to be there with you to register it) he would have to get a court order to get it changed - causing all manner of upset with the OW I would guess.

It is perfectly possible to get this over with in 6 months, if that's what you want to do - but I think that might be moving a bit too quickly for you ATM as you head is still spinning.

Once you get your head around what you want decisions will get easier - I was up and down like a yo-yo for weeks, now it's 21 months since he told me he wanted a divorce, 16 months since the divorce and 11 months since he married the OW and my life is good Grin.

AuntieMaggie · 15/08/2012 20:42

Lou only has to have a relationship with the OW if she wants to - not all step siblings have contact and it isn't a given that it has to happen. Besides which the OW might not want contact anyway so I think its irrelevant at this stage to think about the step sibling thing as it will be a few years before she has to face that.

I've known several situations where the father causes a stink initially but once they realise they don't get control over when/where/how they see their child they lose interest especially when they realise its not about playing happy families and children have minds of their own and don't behave how you want them to. So it could go either way. Also by the time the OPs baby comes along the OWs baby will be 5 months old so if he stays with OW then he'll be busy with his life there.

I just don't want the OP to not keep the baby just because she can't face dealing with him - I think she'll regret it if she does and I think that the benefits for her outweigh having to deal with him. She's strong, has a fantastic support network and if she wants the baby I think she'll do really well.

Unfortunately Lous story has similarities to others I've born witness to - one was a friend whose husband did a similar flit (no chutney involved though - infact he didn't take anything and then mucked her around about collecting his things) when she was 6 months pregnant having had sex with her in the shower that same morning. Yep he'd moved in with OW had been seeing her for months. He lost interest in the baby when he realised it meant that he would have to look after it on his own (no contact with OW) for a couple of hours a week on the weekend away from her home rather than coming into her home and spending time with them playing happy families.

Babylon1 · 15/08/2012 20:43

GrinRowanhart!!

I'm currently travelling back up the M5 from the southwest and the 3G connectivity is somewhat dodgy!!!!

PI Babylon Grin I like the sound if that Smile

tribpot · 15/08/2012 20:46

Of very minor relevance, but these two children would be half, not step, siblings. Provided of course Chunt is the father of both!

LouP19 · 15/08/2012 20:49

Hello all,....Thank you for your posts, especially Math and Babylon. You all give such brilliant advice. Smile

Well the phone hasn't stopped ringing since I got back home, and then a friend dropped in just to say hello and asked if I wanted to play netball tonight (!!!). And then a neighbour texted to ask me round for tea. And then one of his old Uni friends called up to wish him a happy birthday. So I told them the situation and they were APPALLED. This is probably one of his only loyal friends throughout the years. And they immediately said 'Give me your mobile, we're not too far from you, stay in touch, we'd like to help you'. So that felt VERY satisfying.

My parents want to send him an email telling him how angry they are. They've listed all the shocks and injustices I've had. I've read it, but told them to hang fire for now. I completely understand why they want to do it, but have said let's not give him the satisfaction. I keep trying to remember what you are all saying on here - for as long as we're silent, he will be shitting himself about what we are doing.

Babylon, I may take you up on your offer. I'll have to think about it over the next day or so. I SO want to blow him out of the water, but not sure how this will sit with my next 'official step' via a solicitor!

OP posts:
Babylon1 · 15/08/2012 20:49

Like the sound OF that obviously!!

Thymeout · 15/08/2012 20:53

Thanks, Tribpot. Sorry!

AuntieMaggie · 15/08/2012 20:54

I'm a year younger than the OP and I keep thinking about what I would do in her situation if my DP did this. I know it wouldn't be easy but I think I would keep the baby and do the best I could. I know I could do it. I've seen friends that have gone through so much worse but I know in the end it will all work out. Maybe thats naive of me.

Babylon1 · 15/08/2012 20:54

Well, for a start you could give solicitor his new address and ask them to write to him there!! You don't have to state how you came by the information Wink

It's a serious offer Lou, I'd want to know where he was, if only for the sake of knowing, but I get why you want to know. Chances are once you have that info you'll be more likely to find world peace than go and confront the pair of chutney thieving swines - but at least you'd have the option Wink

I suspect it's not having that option that is the sticking point for you right now Angry it's another set if cards that he is holding - well this way you could deal him the joker Wink

AuntieMaggie · 15/08/2012 20:55

Math gives excellent advice.

If Babylon does it the solicitor doesn't need to know how you found out...