Chutney Twunt pt 3

[LouP19]

Back again, is this a record? How many threads can this bastard have? You are all keeping me going this afternoon - you and friends on email and friends on text. It's keeping me angry which is good.

Send them a message saying that he has all of his personal items and all other items are jointly owned and will be divided between you when the assets are divided.

And then disengage with them totally.

Honestly Lou - I know you probably think some of us are just saying, "Oh you're being amazing" to be nice, but I don't have a nice bone in my body () and I THINK YOU'RE BEING ABSOLUTELY, FUCKING, ASTONISHINGLY AMAZING.

I have cried, screamed, pleaded & begged in the past over far lesser situations than yours (and I don't admit that often 'cos I'm about it) so your dignity and strength is a thing to behold. It truly is.

Please be proud of yourself for that. He's demeaning himself continually with his ridiculous antics and you're looking classier & classier by the second.

And, I know I'll get flamed, but I think you should seriously consider changing the locks.

My mum could publish a book consisting of all the missives I have forbidden her from sending. I was really worried for several years that she would do something rash..

And Lou -- he can't just take 'his' things. What you and he had together in the house is 'marital property'.

x post with Cake -- any division needs to be given the ok by the court and will not be authorised until settling of marital debts and division of marital assets comes up for review.

You need to make a list and make noise about compensation for what he has helped himself to thus far.

Bossybritches - Sorry! I'm just angry on Lou's behalf!

Lou - Glad I could make you smile :)

email with a link to this

He has appropriated marital assets (yes, even the fecking chutney!) and you should put him on notice that nothing else is to be taken without your permission or a full settlement via your divorce.

Incidentally, personal property is clothes, jewellry, paperwork and anything given or bought for the sole use of one partner (eg, birthday presents etc)

I hope I don't sound arrogant when I say I'll never accept blame. I just keep thinking back to the man who took me to a farmers market last summer and promptly told me he didn't want to have children with me. And that I wasn't to talk to him about it whilst he took some time out to mull it over. So I lived for 8 weeks in hell wondering what the fuck was going on with my life, whilst he had all the control. And then he told me a few weeks later he 'thought he was ready again'. When I recall all these moments that were all about his control, his power, my vulnerabilities, I KNOW there is nothing I could have done to have changed him or prevented the way he was. I remember I posted this event on MN last year, and some very wise woman said that the relationship would only ever be about him. It really hurt me that comment, probably because I knew it was the truth even then.

Once I got to know him my major issue was his complete lack of empathy for anything that didn't involve him. It was one of my frequent bug bears in arguments with him. I used to say 'I acknowledge your point of view' (yes, I read books on how to argue successfully!!), and you know what?!! He never ever said anything back to me that indicated he acknowledged mine. Ever.

I honestly think the anger that is coming out now has been building up since the day he left me in the farmers market car park crying my eyes out wondering where the hell his statement had come from. All this while he was out buying cheese and sausage rolls. And then he came back and accused me of ruining the day.

I think I've may be been living in denial for the last 12 months (don't we all, a bit?!!) and now lots and lots of things are starting to make sense.

He is a very, very bold man to run as he has with the mistaken idea that he alone owns things that were in the house.

I think it shows that he inhabits a mental world where he makes up the rules to suit himself and has a massive sense of entitlement.

Yes personal effects are not included in 'marital property' category. Your jewellery, your personal papers and photos, your clothes they are yours.

You are right, Lou -- he is all about control. You are dealing with a bottomless pit of self centeredness and entitlement.

(He is getting a huge kick out of hiding from you right now, with you completely unaware of his address, and making you nervous about leaving the house to go to work in case he tried to get in, etc)

Why would it be arrogant to not accept the blame for something that was not your fault?

You trusted the man, hoped for the best, wanted your marriage to work - all admirable things.

He shat all over you. It's his fault & the blame is all his. Every last atom of it.

And the "I love you"s & "I wish I was doing all of this with you" is about control too. Emotional control.

I've already given my opinion of him so I don't need to reiterate.

I will say that it's probably quite likely you'll think of things that didn't make sense at the time but do now, for quite a while yet. As long as you keep it at the font of your mind that his choices led to this, and his behaviour is at fault, you can't go too far wrong.

(I hope I did this emoticon right!)

Lastraven No worries!

Lou clearly has a healthy SOH which has stood her in good stead & will do again. Bloody need one don't you Lou, with ChutneyTwunt???!!!

Hey Lou, I'm another who has been supporting you silently ( up to now). You have an army of silent and vocal comrades who are outraged on your behalf. This man clearly never deserved your love and loyalty and though desperately painful you are better off without him and the anger is good and will keep you strong. It is all so tiring though and you must try to find away to relax and look after yourself. I know from experience that looking after myself is the last thing i want to do when times are really hard but please try.

Hopefully with all the good advise from those that know about these things, you will get as much as you can from the settlement so you can build a better life without this leech of a man. You can find someone who shares that dream of escaping to the coast and who will truly appreciate you for the wonderfully strong woman you clearly are.

My point about jewellery was that he cant take your rings etc. It doesnt matter who paid for them, they are yours.

Even back when a womans property became her husbands on marriage, including her body and her children, her clothes, papers and jewellery were still considered hers and a husband who took them would be ordered to return them by a court.

He is far closer to a vampire than a leech but definitely the same principle.. and leech conveys a sense of the sliminess very well.

lastRaven you are so right about looking back.

I can now see things that confused me during H's affair, that now make perfect sense. Times when his guilt got the better of him and he was all sweetness and light, swiftly followed by him being sick of me as he wanted the freedom he thought he would have with her so being utterly vile to me, that being followed by morose "my life is shit" when she hadnt answered his text for a few days.

I didnt know which was up half the time but it has all fallen into place since :(

What advice did you solicitor give about twuntey accessing the marital home and taking stuff? This was a biggy before, so presumbly you covered this.

Lou, make a list of all assets he has removed: right down to the cutlery and crockery.

Also, make notes of days / times when he removed stuff from the marital home.

Now, this will be contentious - but you need someone to 'fight back' on your behalf.

Ask your Dad to phone MIL and say, "Lou lives in the joint marital home and if your son removes another item before it goes through the proper legal process, Lou will consider it to be theft and will report it to the police as such. Lou is already entitled to 50% of the value of every item he has removed so far."

"Lou now lives in the house alone with the cats and we have had an alarm fitted to ensure she feels safe as a single woman sleeping alone overnight. Inform your son that he must make proper arrangements to enter the house with Lou's express permission.

"If your son continues to act in a disrespectful manner towards my daughter (his wife) I will have no hesitation in speaking to the Pro Vice Chancellor."

Engagement rings and wedding rings belong to Lou. Any jewellery given as gifts for birthdays, vlentines, Christmas etc are Lou's personal items.

As a matter of urgency,
I would make an inventory with estimates of values for every single item he has removed from the marital home including chutney and teaspoons. I would date this and lodge a copy with the new solicitor.
I would immediately purchase and have installed ASAP a monitored alarm system (ADT are excellent).
I would book time off work, to rest and enjoy being in my house with my cats.
If I had to go into work I would do so by taxi, leaving my car visible at the house. and encourage my parents to visit my house frequently, especially when they knew I could not be at home.
I would cease ALL contact with his parents.

Narcs are devoid of empathy Lou. they are unable to negotiate in any emotional situation, you cannot argue constructively with them, or reach a joint agreement, because their warped emotions focus only on their own desires, no matter what the cost to those close to them.

Rest, eat, stay strong.

"I will never accept responsibility for his fragile ego, his insecurities, his inability to communicate, his lack of emotional intelligence. Ever."

And this is why, despite all the setbacks Lou, you will come through this, and be happy again. You have set your boundaries there. Stick to them, and concentrate solely on your own needs. By the time all the legalities are dealt with, you will find that your feelings for this person, who has done everything in his power to destroy you, will have settled into complete indifference. I promise.

I think I said this before but my solicitor said that possession is 9/10 of the law so the house contents were mine. You do need to protect your stuff somehow. Please move anything valuable or sentimental or confidential to your parents house and take legal advice on how/if you can keep him out.

I composed hundreds of emails to my twunt in my head, (sent one or two) but no more! Let your mums imagination run free lol but dont let her send it. My mum would love to have a chat with my twunt but I have told her its not worth it..

Keep on keeping on, you are doing so well and we are all still right here for you.