Chutney Twunt pt 3

[LouP19]

Back again, is this a record? How many threads can this bastard have? You are all keeping me going this afternoon - you and friends on email and friends on text. It's keeping me angry which is good.

Thyme Oh, I see. So, I suppose he must have had his 30 mins before Lou had hers, otherwise he'd be the one getting the "sorry, conflict of interest" call. Although, the solictors I saw did ask my ex-twunts name before I could even have my free 30 mins - but that may just have been their own policy, rather than standard.

I suspect, though, that it probably is just an unfortunate coincidence. Total bummer, but hopefully your next solicitor will be shit hot, Lou.

Crikey, that's a good point. Would it be possible to double check with the solicitor and have her check exactly when "last week" was?

I could totally believe he would do that, make some bullshit call saying "Hi, I first contacted you a few days ago and I'm worried you might be acting for my wife by mistake..." after he'd seen the letter, and hope it would wiggle through without anyone checking their phone records very carefully. I mean, how did it suddenly come to the solicitor's notice that they had been contacted by him?

Sorry x posted with a few, and missed your latest. Might be worth checking up on Crikey's comment about names above, though.

YY, get the locks changed

I'm sad to hear your in-laws grasped at the first straw he gave them, Lou, but they are his parents ... and somebody allowed him to grow up with vast entitlement and non-existent compassion, didn't they.

What an absolute bugger about the solicitor! If there are only a handful in town, brace yourself to find he's 'talked' to them all. I hope not. If it does start getting that complicated, it might be worth proposing a DIY divorce with mutual agreement on some minor 'faults', 50/50 on the house. This would be a whole lot less satisfying, of course, so let's wait and see. It must be piling the stress on your much-needed "me" weekend, though, so I hope your mum and new bed linen are enough to calm you down!

Well, that with wine and ice-cream.

they've called the police as 'a precaution, Lou had the weirdest break in the other week, someone took her radios and food, can you imagine?" .... !

I so like this, blackcurrants

How do you feel, Lou, when he appears to be saying it's all a big mistake, and it's only your intransigence that's stopping the reconciliation? (Well, apart from being bloody angry at being blamed!) Do you get any sense at all that he really does want to come back, or is it all part of going through the motions to look as if he really tried, offered to go to counselling etc?

I think MadBusLady has a point - it's worth querying with the solicitor whether they actually saw him or have a record of speaking to him, or have just been informed by him that they did speak to him. They may not be able to do anything differently as a result but it's worth asking.

Thank you everyone, coming on here really calms me down and boosts me a bit.

I think he had the 30 minute appointment the week after he left me. Unfortunately it won't have emerged until after yesterday, as my first appointment with the solicitor was made under my Dad's name. So it's an error on our part, but one we won't make again. None of us have any experience of this type of stuff. Again, my solicitor stressed he hadn't instructed anyone to do anything, which suggests the free appointment. It may also explain why about 2 weeks ago I got a very uppity email from him about his access rights to the house. It sounded like he may have taken advice on that, and he clearly had done.

Well I've made up my nice new bed, but the other room can wait. I'm too tired. Going to my parents for a bit of tea, and then got a couple of phone calls to make to friends this evening.

I feel at some point I'm going to collapse in a heap for several days and be unable to move,......

The solicitor will bring the new one up-to-date. She sounds like she genuinely wants to help you, and she will make sure she passes you onto someone she really thinks will do a good job.

She probably finds Chutney as repulsive as we do.

As for his parents, they are just desperate to cling onto any crumb of hope that can reassure them that their son is not really the monster that he is.

Just ignore them. Although it might be worth just mentioning that he doesn't actually know if you would forgive him, since he has not actually asked you.

I hope the rest of the day is more peaceful for you and that Chutney wakes up in the morning with a billion ants in his underpants.

'So, as someone said earlier, the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree at all.'

No, doesn't seem that it does. And the same goes for you, Lou. From what you have told us of how they have reacted and behaved, your family have been great throughout. Your mother and father seem absolutely lovely - as does their daughter.

You have loads of years of living to do, you know. And you will be able to live your future as you, to your own standards, with people - people you know already, and those whom you have yet to meet - who are decent and good and share them your approach to life. In a way it is even a Good Thing that you will not spend the rest of your life bound up with someone who can behave like this. It would have been a waste.

Lou, I read somewhere on mumsnet (not sure whether it was legal or here) but a STBXH visited EVERY good solicitor in the area and took the free half hour. That was to 'screw' up the wife so that she could not get a good solicitor close to home.

If he has been to the other solicitor as well, then it is pre-meditated.

Have you thought about posting in mumsnet Legal and asking for help Lou. I know that Startingagain is being supported by someone from there. (I know the name but I won't compromise him.) You don't have to be able to see a rotweiller solicitor personally. Telephone and email contact would be enough for you to keep things going.

Now, you said that you had seen the solicitor twice and he has not instructed the firm yet. So does that mean that you were seen '2nd' by your female solicitor's firm on two separate occasions? I thought you saw your solicitor last Monday and then went back on Friday to instruct her.

Sorry Lou - a x-post there. Chutneytwat saw solicitor the week before you. It also explains how the solictor didn't pick up the connection (your dad used his name for the initial interview).

Some things don't deserve forgiveness. If someone murdered DD I would never forgive them. Forgiving someone does not automatically mean you'd want to be in a relationship with them either. I've forgiven one of my exes for dumping me on valentines day to go back to his ex, doesn't mean I wanted ro get back with him. Chutneywankstain is making a mistake if he thinks that forgiveness is like a magic wand

Just read up to date . Oh Lou forget his Parents, just cease contact completely. A shame about the Solicitor but you'll end up with an even better one I'm sure, things will turn your way. Stay calm and positive.

This week i hope your new legal advice helps you tackle the issue of him coming to the house snooping and taking things. There must be something that can be put in place. If you change the locks i don't know whether that may aid him in the long run and he could use it against you. But there must be some advice in the legal part of this forum that can help so if he does go round someone has to be in?

I'm sorry it's you yet again that has to suffer. I don't understand why he can't bow out and why it has to be you but that must be the way it works. (Did he contact them before you or something.)

Stay strong. He's a cowardly, self obsessed arsehole. No contact and block his phone. He can reach you via your parents.
Why on earth anyone in their right mind would think you'd take him back beggars belief.

Hi Lou, I've been lurking on your threads from the outset, but have never been able to post on Relationships before. It's all a bit close to home.

However, I just came on to join others in expressing my huge admiration for you - and the intelligence and dignity which you have displayed since Chutney chutnied. Words fail me when trying to express what I think of him.

I am overwhelmed by the unified strength of MN again. It's wonderful, isn't it?

Please try to keep contact with the inlaws to an absolute minimum. Whatever you say will be taken out of context, altered slightly, twisted a little more then ultimately used against you. Probably.

When you finally get around to reclaiming Cornish holidays as your own, please feel free to PM me. I'm on your way down, in the westcountry, and would happily provide a rest/overnight stop/whatever you need!

I think his parents are scared that potentially they could end up with no grandchildren, if you go ahead with the pregnancy they have no legal rights to contact. He might well have threatened that they will not see his child with OW unless he gets more support from them and that is why they are starting to get difficult.

List all the items you know of that he has taken from your home since your separation so that you can either request them back or he can ensure you have something else of equal value from the division of stuff from the marital home. I think it would be practical to start that inventory of all the furniture, kitchen stuff, garden stuff, furnishings and so on, and decide what you need as well as what you'd like to keep and what you would want to ditch and replace. You can guarantee that he won't be reasonable about it, and will argue over trivial things which will make the proceedings long drawn out.

It is just possible that the new solicitor will be even better at getting you what you need.

Lou, I thought it might interest you to read the second email my ex husband sent me two months after he took all our money and disappeared to Thailand abandoning me and our 6 month old son and abandoning his two daughters by an ex in the process. I have mentioned him on your thread before as there are massive parallels and I humbly feel I can offer hope and experience also in your situation.. I have been reading all your threads and nodding in sage but sad recognition of your ex. Read this and then I will make a couple of comments afterwards:

He wrote:

"I would have been in touch sooner except that I contracted dengue fever and havebeen flat on my back for almost three weeks. It's not life-threatening, just pretty horrible and debilitating, and as it's two and a half hours by bus to the nearest net cafe, I simply could not get word out. added to which there's no mobile coverage here.

I'm not 'back in Bangkok'. I spent only a matter of hours there. I see you make
no comment on what I wrote to you. No reaction at all? I wonder - as there is
no greeting on any of your emails, perhaps I'm not receiving the whole text. As you can see below, they all seem to start off halfway through.

Also, you need to let me know the email address and tag line of your solicitor.
So I can sort out what is spam and what is not.

I'm sorry you make no response, really. I'd hoped there might be some dialogue.

I don't know what's happening to all my stuff. I've asked my brother to go down and get it. Perhaps you could put it in the garage?

I love you. I know you lost your love for me ages ago probably, but I've
never felt any other way about you. I can't describe how it feels not to have
you and ds. It's the worst thing in the world. Please try not to be cold.
Tell me how he is. I miss you and my son so much. I"m so sorry. I miss you my love."

My comments about this:
This is a man who similarly raided my house, thieved and stole and left me holding a baby. He also broke back into the house just before he disappeared to retrieve things.

He is pathologically lying in this email above as he in fact went almost straight to Cambodia to engage a young underage girl in sex.

He paints himself as the victim in this email. He apologises and says he loves me.

At the time this all completely blind-sided me. Four years later I can see it for the twisted nuts it is. His family also sided totally with him by the way. They said it was my fault he left - I must have done something really terrible. There has never been any change in their minds and they have never acknowledged the agony he put me through and have nothing to do with our son.

The fact is, your husband and his family suffer from a major and lifelong malfunction. I don't expect for one minute he is 'planning' or expecting any reaction from you. He might pretend so, but it is All pretend. He is pretend. His new victim will be discarded eventually too. He will drift away and get someone else pregnant. They just leave a trail of abandoned kids in their wake.

You will get over him, you will recover, you will feel ambivalence for him in the end. You will see him for the pathetic dysfunctional child that he is and always will be. He is someone else's problem now. he is no longer your problem.

Divorce him as soon as you can. Rebuild your life. Do Not Respond or engage with him. If he wants to have anything to do with your baby (if you decide to keep it) then just make him fight through the courts at every step. I bet he doesn't.

I should add my voice to the chorus of others btw who have heaped praise on you for the marvellous way you have coped - and also a big clap on the back to your own family. You are doing really well. So well. Yes it will come and go in waves. I was bloody crucified. But honestly, you will laugh about it in time. I promise. My ex Husband snarled that he wanted his Delia Smith recipes back OR ELSE.

I mean, ffs. Hilarious!!!

The bastard probably wanted the spoons to use to munch his fucking chutney.

I am agog at this guy. And I am hugely pissed off about the solicitor trick.

I am a solicitor (not matrimonial) and I have known of people instructing several law firms in a town very briefly to the extent that the solicitors are conflicted. They have the sole intention of forcing their opponent to use firms in other towns to make it harder for them to obtain legal representation on a convenient basis.

The calculating chutney-munching swine.

I just wanted to add that I think about you through the day and something popped into my head earlier when I was making coffee, but then it becomes irrelevant when I read the latest developments.

So I apologise if I really have nothing constructive to say when it comes to posting!

Bloody hell Unlikely what a twat!

UA, was it in reference to St Delia that your ex issued his famous 'capisce?' email?

"Please try not to be cold" - that takes me back. What a complete and utter fuckstick that man is.

One thing that might help re the "you won't ever forgive me" line.

Forgiveness is not the same as pretending something didn't happen. And it's not saying something doesn't matter. He is using this as a way to put the blame back on you.

One of the reasons people forgive is so that they themselves can move on without feeling bitter and resentful.

When he next brings up the subject of forgiveness, you could reply by saying

"I hope that at some point in the future I will be able to forgive you for this huge and complex betrayal, I am certainly trying to. But that doesn't mean restoring our relationship. Forgiving you does not mean putting myself back in the same position to allow you to hurt me again!"

That way you pass the responsibility for HIS actions firmly back to HIM.

..just to add by way of clarification, he had only sent me one email before this which was, in hindsight and knowing the truth, just as laughable.

I did not start the SINGLE email I had sent him with a 'greeting' because I could not possibly have started it with 'dear xxx.... or 'Hiya xx.....'

He reveals his malfunctioning-fucked-up-entitled-narcissistic-brain in suggesting that it could not be possible, surely, that I didn't actually deign to greet him in addressing him >

The first bit is genuinely funny: he has no idea what to write, because he really, really doesn't care at all how me or our baby are as he is not a normal person with normal human feelings. So instead, he tries to pretend to be what society thinks might look normal by writing about himself being ill...as though I am supposed to clasp my hand to my mouth in concern for his dengue fever.

Honestly, they are incredibly transparent once you have got a handle on what they are really like. They die lonely, friendless and full of self-pity. Not a good look. lol

"He cheats on you, lies to you, gets another woman pregnant, leaves you....but the marriage is over because YOU won't forgive him? So, actually, it's all YOUR fault?

For the first time in my life....words truly fail me."

Crikey unfortunately Lou is dealing with an extreme narcissist. Their ability to twist things around are because it is so inhuman. But this projection is to be expected from a narcissist and NO CONTACT is the only solution. Any attempt to exchange ideas is immediately taken as a power struggle (because you only exist for their benefit and asking them to 'see' you is a threat) and Lou must not engage. Engage = lose. Bottom line, end of.

As to the parents, well how did he turn into a narcissist. Lou herself has said they don't have a great relationship and he is the 'golden child'. Parents making excuses for their children and not loving them enough to insist on rules and consequences (making children start to think about the needs and feelings of others) is how narcissists are made.

And, the solicitor? I am afraid it is not coincidental. The more of the good lawyers he sees for advice, the more he reduces Lou's chance of having a big hitter on her side. It is standard advice we give to women who are in this sich.

Lou, I am afraid what he said 'I want you...' was a lie. This has all been very planned. LOOK AT HIS ACTIONS, not his words. In fact, anytime his lips move is blah blah blah.

And, Lou? Now you are discovering how unfair and unjust life is, change the locks. Make sure you do NOT consult your solicitor over this, just do it. Fukim and fukwots right. He will have to resort to the law, which will buy you time. Who cares what he thinks and wants now. The kitchen radio tells you exactly how fair things are now. Protect yourself, no one else will. Make SURE your new lawyer is good, if they aren't change them. Personally I would go for an angry woman now. Explain he is a narc, and do some research as to what a narcissist is (not pretty).

But have heart! I promise you, Math, Garlic and I are survivors, you will survive this. It hurts, but what you learn means you will NEVER let anyone walk over you again.

laughs heads of at tribpot.. your memory is unfailing.

yes Capisce! The Al Capone of come dine with me