Chutney Twunt pt 3

[LouP19]

Back again, is this a record? How many threads can this bastard have? You are all keeping me going this afternoon - you and friends on email and friends on text. It's keeping me angry which is good.

What I really don't understand though is why he was still TTC with you when he'd already got OW knocked up
I expect he thought he'd get the OW to abort. No actually, scrap that it was too late on I suppose. Who knows? Maybe the OW isn't even PG? Who knows what to believe from Mr Pathological Liar?

Oh my, when will anything ever go my way?!!

The solicitor called this morning, from her home. Said she was very very sorry, but it seems HE has contacted someone from her firm last week already. And because of a conflict of interests she therefore can't represent me. I felt like crying when she said this.

She did say he hasn't instructed anyone to do anything yet (yeah, like I've been so unreasonable in all this, haven't I?), but the fact that he sought legal advice from one of her colleagues is enough to mean she can't take me on.

She did recommend another local firm, and has said she will call them on Monday and ask them to call me back. She'll fill them in on the situation too. So this is all good news, and she's doing this free of charge. But still so disappointed because it puts me back another week.

So the bastard has thwarted me again. And to round it off, his parents made contact with mine. Apparently the marriage is irretrievable because She would never forgive him. Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!! So even they're spouting the same old claptrap now. They also said he hasn't been happy since about November, which by reckoning is when the affair began. So he hasn't been happy because he's been leading an increasingly complex, tiring, bullshitty life. So not putting myself up for any of that blame either. And if he was unhappy why didn't he talk to ME about it?!

Sorry, I am livid again today. And I'm still trying to move some clothes and make the beds and it's too hot. Just really really fed up. I feel like it's one step forward and three back all the time. Oh, and he's practically cleared me out of teaspoons. And taken the radio from the kitchen and the bathroom.

re your thread being moved, Lou: I expect most of us are watching this thread and if it is moved it'll still stay on our watch list. YOu could copy the other threads into a word doc - always good to read them through at a later date - and then get them deleted by MNHQ, who I'm sure would be amenable in the circs.

Glad to hear you're sleeping well and fortifying yourself with the ravioli try and get some fruit in even if it's a segment of orange/satsuma?

oh gosh, x-posted - and I thought you were having a peaceful day

I'm so sorry about this, Lou. What are the chances of him working with the same firm?? Good of the sol to call you at home, and free of charge. Why was he instructings sols btw?? doesn't really fit in with his 'story', does it?

I'm not sure it does put you back a week, as the solicitor will be filling in the other solicitor. Let's hope the new one picks up where this one left off. She wouldn't recommend someone she didn't rate, so the new one will probably be just as good.

Keep going sweetie. Someone taught me the 'floating' technique once: 'float' over things eg lost your purse? float over it. etc. hth (it helps me). The Chunt will get his comeuppance (if he isn't already...) so you don't need to worry about that. He really is quite spectacularly vile, isn't he? xx

For fucks sake .

He cheats on you, lies to you, gets another woman pregnant, leaves you....but the marriage is over because YOU won't forgive him? So, actually, it's all YOUR fault?

For the first time in my life....words truly fail me.

I am desperately sorry that you're being put through this hell, Lou. You don't deserve any of it. I have read about an awful lot of arseholes on threads like these, but I truly think this one is the worst. By far.

You are worth so much more than this cunt. I hope when the smoke clears you'll be able to see this and know that, by getting out of your life, he's done you the biggest favour he could.

.

Re the in-laws, so that excuses his disgusting behaviour? Apple doesn't fall far from the tree huh?

His reason, 'she'd never forgive me' is the exact same reason that he's been giving you ( if I've got that right) he is full of shit.

Grrrr angry for you!

Oh Lou, this is a real blow. Unfortunately there is nothing your solicitor can do, although it might be worth asking her what would happen if it turns out he's sought legal advice from all over the place in order to stop you from being able to access it.

His parents' comments don't make any sense. You wouldn't forgive him, ergo he's done something heinous ... how does that make it your fault the marriage has broken down? Or do they mean he begged for your forgiveness and you wouldn't give it to him and so he accepts the marriage is over?

Either way it doesn't matter, the fact remains the marriage broke down because he left it, end of. Even if you wanted to, you don't know where he and his feckin chutney is in order to forgive him.

Unfortunately your parents need to strike his parents off the list of potential allies to resolving this situation sensibly. God only knows what he's told them for them to believe it's acceptable for him to have left you so completely.

Thanks. I'm just so angry at the moment because he seems to be in complete control of everything. At the same time as sending me bollocky text messages, he's also meticulously planning everything (or so it seems). And looking at things like kitchen radios (mine) and thinking 'I'll take it'. Probably because all the cheese had gone from the fridge.

Two or three weeks ago I thought at worse I might be told he was having, or had had, an affair. And I've only been thinking that for the last 6 weeks or so. Up until that point I thought everything was 'ok'. And now THIS.

I honestly can't believe what my life has become as a result of him. I just feel like a bystander at the moment.

And, besides, how the fuck does he know whether you'd forgive him or not if he's never had to decency to ask you? He knows your mind better than you do, huh?

We know that you can't/won't/shouldn't "forgive" him - but he doesn't, does he?

It's just a lame, infantile excuse so that he can put the blame on you, rather than face the fact that he's a marriage-wrecking, cheating, lying prick.

I wouldn't forgive him because apparently I rant a lot about footballers and infidelity. Remember the John Terry comments? He said to me in the pub that time I met him 'You have such strong views on this'.

Er, yes, and?!!!!!! And I alone in that?!!

The bollocky text messages & childish emptying of the freezer shows that he doesn't feel in control, either. He's trying to take it back by removing things from the home that he knows will piss you off - because that's all he can do.

From his point of view, you've done nothing that he expected you to do. No crying, pleading, begging (Yay! Go you!!!) which would have allowed him to feel like he had you where he wanted you. He's almost certainly thrown by your apparent coolness so is trying to provoke a reaction in other ways.

Moron.

NOT SUGGESTING YOU DO THIS (to be very, very clear) - but I can't help wondering what would happen if you sent him an email "forgiving" him?

Bet he'd run around like a headless chicken, the coward.

That's a comforting thought, crikey and I think you're right. This solicitor thing is a blow (though she might well recommend you to someone even MORE shit-hot and awesome, you never know) - and on top of the home-invasion it feels very calculated (like, did he see the letter about the solicitors and then suddenly realise he'd talked to them and THEN call them to point out the conflict of interest?) ....

BUT I do think Crikey has a point. He's prodding and poking at you for a reaction here because he can't figure you out. Why aren't you begging him to come back? whyyyyy?

Eurgh what a horrible excuse for a human being he is.

Look - forget his parents. They're his parents. They're desperate to think he's a good person - they're not an impartial judge. You don't need them to disapprove - and if you hold on to their disapproval of him as approval of you you're setting yourself up for (more) heartache...

"I wouldn't forgive him because apparently I rant a lot about footballers and infidelity. Remember the John Terry comments? He said to me in the pub that time I met him 'You have such strong views on this'.
Er, yes, and?!!!!!! And I alone in that?!!"

GRRR - the man is UNBELIEVABLE! I am gutted for you that the solicitor you liked now cannot work for you. Is it co-incidence that he approached the same firm or do you think he might have seen some paperwork with their company when he was on his little thieving/snooping jaunt?

It'll be an unfortunate coincidence. They are one of about 3 prominent solicitors in the local area. I do think that is just very bad luck. But I am gutted, because I thought my solicitor was ace, and I only met her twice. . But she's going to ask two associates (women) at another firm if they will take me on. So trying to be positive,......

I do keep wondering if he's trying to goad some 'unreasonable behaviour' out of me?

Were his parents just passing on what he'd said to them? Not necessarily agreeing with him? Infuriating that he's trotting out the same old story but no one with any sense is going to see it as justification for the way he left, let alone the rest of the sorry tale.

Do they know anything about the OW or where he's living?

Get the locks changed Lou, the 'man' is a fucking twat head of the highest order. He's not only hurt you in the worst possible way but is twisting the knife.

Re the in-laws, they all do this sooner or later. It saves them facing up to the fact that they spawned such evil, and saves face with people they know.

You will be ok. One day at a time x

I remember when I went to see a solicitor about my ex -before they even offered me an appointment, they asked for his name to make sure they weren't already acting for him.

Did they ask his name before you first went in, Lou? If they did, then at that stage, they were NOT acting for him. Which means that he instructed them after nosing through your papers.

Crikey - I don't think he has instructed them. Just had the same 30 min consultation as Lou had. But it's still a conflict of interest.

Yes, it sounded like his parents were repeating the spiel he's given me. They also said he returned in the week to collect his birthday mail. When my Mum pointed out he'd had all his mail redirected a week ago, they said 'Oh, well we're getting one story from you and another from him'. Really

So agree, there's no use getting anything from them now. To be honest they've never shown much interested in me, us, or him so there would be no hope of them ever trying to get him to see reason. They are one of those families that claims to be big on 'family' but whenever there's a problem (and they've had a few - lots of infighting with the other DIL) they just put their heads down and pretend its not happening. Usually with the reason 'it upsets us too much'. So, as someone said earlier, the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree at all.

I do keep wondering if he's trying to goad some 'unreasonable behaviour' out of me?
Which ain't going to happen as you're so together and detached. I'm a lurker, btw, sorry, but have followed from the beginning. He's a disgusting adulterer and that's what he deserved to be publicly known as. Your post got me this morning when you said if he'd sat you down and said "I've made a dreadful mistake" there might have been the tiniest chance of working through it...

But he didn't. I hate the man and I've never even met him!

Right, so he cheats in a truly despicable way, and then unilaterally decides, based on your views on John Terry, that would you not forgive him if he asked you to (somehow legitimising his decision to do it in the first place in a way that would have Spock raising an eyebrow and saying "illogical, Captain"). And that therefore the marriage is over, and basically it's John Terry's fault. What about Rod Stewart, didn't he cite him about something else? Will no-one think of Rod Stewart's unwitting role in the demise of this relationship? Is Christopher Biggins involved in some way we have yet to discern??

You are right, though, that this is all about control. You aren't following the script, so he's upping the ante. Keep your powder dry, say nothing now, but I would do anything you feel would be appropriate, legal and safe to find out where he is living.

Lou my jaw is dropping. It's like Dante's circles of hell except there are more. However, you, my lovely, are like some immortal out of Highlander (in my mind's eye) and the more he chops at you, the less effective. Yeah, okay not a good analogy but I just wanted to keep the support going and I'm a bit sleep-deprived.

I am sorry his parents are not supportive but I suspect that they are hearing only what they want to hear. But your parents trump them every time. And you have a whole network of people on your side. He has only his deluded concepts.
I'm glad that you're wary of the potential goading, it could be - it's so hard to know, but the point really is that you are aware, and are remaining icy and aloof.

I suspect the radio was a bit tit for tat.

Good of the solicitor to call you and to put you onto someone else though. I really hope they make his balls into a necklace for you. Given the situation that he has put you in, plus the timeline of events, even if he thinks you are being 'unreasonable', I don't think he has much of a leg to stand on.

As for the 'John Terry' comment, well, that just shows his total idiotic approach.

Everyone else above has put it far more eloquently than me!

lou I come from a "family-is-everything until it goes wrong and then we just pretend nothing bad happens in the family" families. . . I agree with earlier posters that their loyalty is to him not you, so I wouldn't expect anything (even rationality) from them - they will be bending their brains trying to accept that you're telling the truth AND he's not a total shit, because accepting the latter would be too much for them.

I wouldn't expect too much!

I WOULD ask someone you trust about installing a burglar alarm on your windows and doors (not a motion one that your cats could set off). I think that man needs to stop feeling like he's got cosy access to your place. Next time he tries something like that, he needs to (1) get the shock of his life when the alarm goes off and (2) be all red faced while the neighbour calmly lets themselves in to turn it off, then questions him as to what the hell he's doing, and mentions that they've called the police as 'a precaution, Lou had the weirdest break in the other week, someone took her radios and food, can you imagine?" .... !
Am I enjoying that image too much? :)