Chutney Twunt pt 3

[LouP19]

Back again, is this a record? How many threads can this bastard have? You are all keeping me going this afternoon - you and friends on email and friends on text. It's keeping me angry which is good.

Personally, I have lurked. I haven't been able to offer any better advice than the lovely, caring posters on this thread, but now see some very dodgy advice and activities going forth. I think Lou has plenty of supporters and I don't want to take anything away from that, but I can't keep quiet about involving 3rd parties. This is the internet. Anyone can say anything.

Lou and Babylon know each other outside of MN.

I think anyone is free to post on a thread aren't they?

I've lurked and posted only a few times but surely if like others, I feel advice given isnt in Lou's best interest then we should post.

I think this obsession with finding out where he lives is ridiculous. However if Lou thinks it is essential then like Porto says, get proper professional help. Not a stranger off the Internet.

Is that due to this thread Katie?

Dunno, but twas Babylon who gave us updates when Lou was too upset to post.

I'm sure Lou and Babylon can work out between them if they are trustworthy people. Many of the people on mumsnet have gone out on dates with people they 'met' on the internet, potentially far more risky. Some mumsnetters have formed extraordinary friendships, for example Expat and Giraffes.

Lou is seeing her solicitor tomorrow. If it makes her feel more in control of the situation to know where H is living, and with whom, then I think she should go for it.

Hi Lou, hope you've had a chance to sit down, calm down and have a cup of tea.
I can't offer any useful advice, just hope you're ok. Stay calm and hopefully speak to your Solicitor as soon as possible. Take care.

The question of lock changing has already been discussed on the initial thread and dies not need debating again as all points were made then.

Please remember that Lou is at the centre of all of this, this is her life we are talking about. She has shown great strength and dignity so far and been very level headed.

I'm sure she will take professional advice and follow it.

I hope you are doing ok this evening Lou.

Yes it was too much to ask then. sigh

If you've lived with someone for 10 years and they disappear out of your life, it isn't strange or unreasonable to want to know where they've gone but I agree that Lou and anyone else involved needs to be careful as this man is unpredictable and feeling like he's losing power/control.

You are perfectly entitled to lose your keys and in light of the recent break in to get your locks changed.

You are entitled to report the break in to cover your ass wrt the lock change. You don't have to say who you think it is who broke in.

You are also perfectly entitled to get a Protection Order in light of the theft of the bank statement if it was addressed to you and his unauthorised access to any other post that was addressed to you. I strongly suggest you do this. You can have him served at work in front of his colleagues if you don't have his current home address.

You need to ask the bank for a copy of that statement asap and perhaps to change to statements going straight to your (unknown to him) email address in future if this option is available. Do this before he does. If unavailable for technical or legal reasons then have it and your other sensitive post redirected to your parents. You can ask the senders directly to do this and not bother going through the Post Office. Speed is necessary here.

You also need to get the date of your scan changed or alert the hospital not to admit him on grounds of feeling threatened.

I also think you really need to get back a bit of your power here by finding out where he lives. Right now it is a bit Big Brother Is Watching You. A horrible feeling.

You are dealing with a psycho.

IIRC it was his bank statement that was unopened, so I think he can open it...

House - do you not read what I've said. I have made it very clear that I haven't come to pick fights, really that is not my style, I'm far too old for that. I simply came on to offer some advice as I was quite alarmed at what other posters were suggesting to the OP.

If, as math has just said, this man is a psycho, might a solicitor be a better route than amateur sleuths/bodyguards etc who would likely push this volatile man over the edge? The OP herself has said that he has been very violent on several occasions - pushing her out of a car anyone? Why risk anything with him. Just why?

Math - it was HIS bank statement, that Lou hadn't opened. Tho why it was delivered there, I don't know. Perhaps P.O. slow off the mark.

Why do you think he is a psycho? Self-entitled twunt wanting to throw his weight around and put Lou in her place, yes - but psychotic???

You misunderstood me wetaugust. I meant you cannot leave someone and then cite the things they do after you have already left them as grounds for divorce.

' He's collected a bank statement. A big fat one that I've been rolling over in my mitts for the last few days. But I never opened it or read it - I wouldn't do it.'

No indication if it was his or addressed jointly or Lou's alone. I think if it was his alone, addressed solely to him, the post office would have redirected it per his instructions a few days ago. they can't redirect jointly addressed post unless both parties request it.
(My theory depends on the timing of the redirection order he sent to the PO and also when the statement arrived relative to the redirection, plus assumptions about the speed of the PO wheels grinding).

I do think a professional PI would be better (no offence to Babylon intended). They have good cameras, and they see lots of little details. Lou would learn enough to get back a little bit of a feeling of power.

Some day he will need to be served either with divorce papers or a Protection/Non-Molestation order or both and an address will be needed. Though it would be tempting to serve a non-mol order on him at work, maybe in the cafeteria...

Well the mail is being redirected so Lou only needs address anything to him at their address.

Everything reported about this man makes me think psychotic personality disorder. Not 'psycho' as in the film with the shower curtain scene -- not psychotic, but psychopathic.

Manipulative, arrogant, shameless, callous, remorseless, self centered to the Nth degree, glib/shallow emotions with the capacity to completely abandon a 'loved' one and hurt her deeply (by telling her the pregnancy is inconvenient, clearing absolutely everything he claims to own out of the house while making a big fuss over missing the cats, trying to get her to feel sympathy for him in earlier texts, etc..).

Grandiose -- pushing his options onto her, like the counselling (see his high handed tone there) and the abortion suggestion to both of the mothers of his children, with (I would bet the farm) no idea that these women would hold a different idea of what should happen. It must have been a shock to him that the OW wouldn't play along.

Need for excitement -- hence the OW. Risk taker, spineless..

He would see himself as perfectly entitled to withhold his address from Lou while also entitled to roam freely through his house that he has left -- yes, I know that he is legally entitled to, but there is a difference between legally entitled to and taking account of the other aspects of the situation and decently asking Lou beforehand. He will rationalise what he did on the grounds that he is legally entitled to.

I sought and pasted correct information on the other threads. I can't be arsed to find it again. I don't know where people get off on coming over all authoritarian about what a troubled OP can and con't do. Lou can do any bloody thing she wants, Frank, the only question is what consequences may follow.

So here's the info again:

Resident spouse may not 'deny reasonable access' to other spouse.
Other spouse may not break in to gain access; he has to have the police with him and they will do it.
Correct procedure from non-resident spouse is to formally request new keys via solicitor/police.
I suggested Lou change the locks early on because I think there is a danger of his moving back in as he moved out. Then he'd have to go through procedure to get new keys. If he doesn't, Lou can report a break-in.

Resident spouse can install a new alarm.
She can install padlocks. He should have asked for key. However, padlocks can be removed so they aren't particularly good external security anyway.

Following somebody home isn't stalking.

Lou, I'd honestly recommend getting some of the security devices linked here and/or changing locks. A safe for your documents will be additional security as, if he gains entry legally (as he's entitled to do), he still mustn't break into your personal stuff.

You might - instead or as well - consider moving out for a while; it depends on what's going to help you most atm.

Well done that neighbour! x

I agree with you (again), math. Anyone who thinks the man is sane & rational after the first event, never mind subsequent ones, can't be thinking straight.

all the things Garlic says are absolutely correct; my husband got a set of my new keys via his solicitor. hope you are ok Lou; you are probably reeling from all this but would really appreciate a quick message to let us know you are ok.

Portofino -- yes that is an option.

But how much of a total loser would she feel having to contact him in that absolutely roundabout way?

What I worry about wrt this address withholding is that he may be trying to make Lou out to be some sort of evil stalker who has vowed death to him and the OW if she knew his whereabouts. The way to counter any such lie is to find out where he is and for absolutely nothing to happen but for solicitor's letters to begin arriving. No bricks thrown through windows or eggs at his car, no slashed tyres. No hang up calls or abusive letters or contact whatsoever from Lou. If he is spinning that particular lie (and I wouldn't put it past him) then it would fall flat if civilised contact was the only result.

I linked earlier to another thread on MN where a man has told his OW the OP that his stbxwife is capable of anything and is clearly trying to keep them from ever contacting each other.

While this may be a motivation of Chutney here, he may also be willing to file divorce on the basis of Lou being unhinged in some way -- his willingness to lie in order to achieve his ends can be counted upon at this point imo. It would be circular reasoning and a complete lie on his part but he may be trying to put across the message that he fled and hid from her because she is unhinged.

Sorry, meant to add to this:

But how much of a total loser would she feel having to contact him in that absolutely roundabout way?
Withholding his address is a calculated power play on his part. He knows where she is and has even broken in to prove his power here. She otoh couldn't break into where he lives even if she wanted to. She can't even send a solicitor's letter directly there.

Garlic - indeed, but there are no legalities in place yet so it doesn't apply. No proceedings have started, no notice has been given of the OP's intentions, divorce or otherwise. Until such time none of what you've said is applicable.

I am not sure, Garlic, why you directed that comment at me as I have not told the OP to do anything, merely suggested going down the solicitor route would be a more sensible option.

Math - you might be getting carried away there. The best way to proceed would surely be NOT to stalk him, then Lou cannot be accused of any such thing. If the solicitor writes to him, it would be redirected. No stalking, no creepy or dangerous behaviour is necessary. Who has suggested the slashed tyres/eggs thing? We know NOTHING about this apart from what OP has posted.

The best thing Lou can do is totally ignore him, buy a new padlock and deal with everything else via her solicitor.