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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Chutney Twunt pt 3

999 replies

LouP19 · 14/08/2012 16:39

Back again, is this a record? How many threads can this bastard have? You are all keeping me going this afternoon - you and friends on email and friends on text. It's keeping me angry which is good.

OP posts:
Babylon1 · 16/08/2012 16:41

What would you suggest then FrankWippery?

mummyinspain · 16/08/2012 16:42

lou,

Sorry sweetie, but you need to start being very very very smart. THis man is a coward and lies with such ease it is very worring.

Ok, here is a suggestion. Add an alarm (you can buy cheap ones from B and Q, get one with an auto dialer this needs to be hooked up to a phone jack) put the auto dialer as far as possible from doors / windows. They set it to call your biggest friend / family member / etc. You will then have a LOG of how many times he enters the property. OK, I know you are about to say I have cats, get one with door and window contacts ONLY that way it will go off when he enters the house. friedland do one, they are easy to install if you have a family member / friend that owns an electrical drill.

Ok, next photo graph the paperwork on the table and ask very nice neighborough if they would please write down what they saw, times, dates and sign it.

Give the solicitor your parents / friends address, same with the building society. Ask for it to be noted as a forwarding address.

Next call the solictor and give her this information as an emergency update.

Finally have a bloody good look round and see if ANYTHING is out of place. a draw ajar? a door that is open that was shut, mail out of order? ANYTHING if there is something look very hard and see if you can work out what has been touched.

Ok, now go and buy a big blank book, make it is pretty or not as you like and start keeping a diary. Keep it by hand (ie do not type it on a computer) it needs to be in your normal writing. Write EVERYTHING down, you can probably get away at this point in back dating a week or so. Write down times, dates, phone call, how you feel, when exactly a new bit of information comes, todays breaking and entering (and I know it is house in his joint name, but he picked the padlock) and keep updating daily. This is going to come in really handy later, so be factural and as emotive as you feel (no death treats)

OK, do you have any friends that are into gadegts? you need something like this

amazon, lots of choice

if you have an iphone

Now I know someone will be long in a moment and say it will not be admissable in court.. BUT it will give your solictor every bit of information she needs, and it will mean you have a record of exactly what was said and when.

Can you have a big strong man stay with you tonight? Dad or brother maybe? I know you might not need a man to stay but it may help you feel safer if you do.

Good Luck Sweetie and keep posting.

Brambule · 16/08/2012 16:42

I'm outraged (once again) by his behaviour. My ex used to let himself into the house when I was at work for a good snoop. As 3kids says, my solicitor told me as part-mortgage payer on the property he was legally 'entitled' to access the house when he wanted. It's such a violation, I remember the shock when I discovered my ex had been round (and like you, I had sol's letters and allsorts left out). I had to keep all my post/files/documents etc in my car boot. I wish I had just changed the locks instead of going along with the legal advice. Chunt will q poss have a hissy fit but I doubt he will go to the bother of getting an order from court for you to change them back.

Chubfuddler · 16/08/2012 16:42

I don't think you can divorce someone on the basis of their unreasonable behaviour after the marriage had already broken down.

ScrambledSmegs · 16/08/2012 16:43

Bastard. Just that. Bastard. Angry

If I didn't live down south (and am 6 months pg) I would happily go and kneecap him for you, right now.

sadwidow28 · 16/08/2012 16:43

He has raised the anti! You will now be scared to go to work and leave your premises unattended.

Phone the police and say that you suspect that you have had an intruder in the house. They then start to take details - say that the lock has been picked. It may/may not be your husband who left two weeks ago - or may/may not be one of his relatives..... but you are unsure. Say that you feel unsafe..... what do they advise? They'll tell you to get the locks changed tonight... so you then say, "but the lock was picked". Wait for their answer......

They will probably ask you if you know where Chutney thief is staying.... you say, "Oh yes, I have a forwarding address - it is his best mate John". Police then go to 'best-mate John' to issue a warning to stay away and tell him he cannot pick locks and it is a criminal offence to tamper with Her Majesty's Mail! They find that DH is not loving there and has never lived there. Best mate John then is asked for another likely address.

Best mate John then phones your H and says 'police on their way'. H is bricking it! (Karma!)

Have you changed the code on your alarm? If not, do that straight away. Alarms are set up so that the internal noise causes stress on the heart and mind.

Keep the chain on the front door (and all double locked) and go out by the back door.

Get your Rotweiller of a Dad on the case!

Change your scan time (and tell them why). You can then say, "other than my Mum/other person, I do not want anyone else in the room with me whilst I have this scan".

Lou, stay strong. You are experiencing the actions of a very 'entitled' male.

skyebluesapphire · 16/08/2012 16:45

Lou - I agree, get a safe or a small lockable filing cabinet, or keep paperwork at your parents.

Get your solicitors advice, but change the locks if you have to. I know you shouldnt as sadly he does have a right to access the property while his name is on the mortgage, but see what your solicitor says and then do it.

What he should do morally and what he can do legally are two different things and at the moment it is still his property. I asked my H for his keys back and thankfully he did return them, but it took several times of asking.

Babylon1 · 16/08/2012 16:45

That's what I thought too ChubFuddler

FrankWippery · 16/08/2012 16:45

I would suggest not doing illegal things.

I would suggest seeing a solicitor to see if any court order can be made to prevent him from entering the house when she is not there.

I would suggest that two wrongs do not make a right and that by changing locks/stalking him the OP could find herself in a lot of trouble which would not really help her case and hand him unreasonable behaviour for a cross petition of divorce.

EldritchCleavage · 16/08/2012 16:46

Actually, FrankWippery has a point. I withdraw the suggestion about changing locks and padlocks. Removing your confidential information from the house is a better option.

FrankWippery · 16/08/2012 16:47

Erm, you can cross petition.

mummyinspain · 16/08/2012 16:49

FrankWippery,

I think, whilst you post is factually correct. It maybe poorly timmed.

This is a pregant vunerable women that has been through a lot of stress and pressure, and not feeling safe in your own home is a terrible thing.

I know I have been there and I may post my story later.

No one is offering legally advice here that is what a solictor is for, but Lou needs help to see ways to make herself safe (in the most general meaning of the word) She very wisely did not change the locks, but added a padlock (her property) which has been damaged and her "personal" space invaded. Some people on here are trying to offer very practical advice and help at a time when I am sure it is not only appreciated but needed.

FrankWippery · 16/08/2012 16:51

He has done NOTHING illegal, it is HIS house as well, he did not open HER mail, but may have read it if it was lying about, that is a very different thing and not illegal.

He can pick whatever bloody lock he likes to get into his OWN house. Seriously why are you all telling the OP to do these things, she'll be the one in trouble, not him as, legally, he has done nothing wrong.

madeindevon2 · 16/08/2012 16:52

Been lurking. Honestly am outraged on your behalf. This guy is unbelievable..... Truly staggering what he's capable of.
I too would do everything in my power to make sure ow knows everything. (without sounding bitter)

cakeismysaviour · 16/08/2012 16:52

Following him discreetly one night after work and writing down the address that he goes home to, does not a stalker make!

Sitting around reading his private mail for half an hour, would be stalking him!

I feel really sorry for his family too. I am looking at my lovely baby boy, and if he ever behaved like this, I would be absolutely devastated. :(

FrankWippery · 16/08/2012 16:54

Yes, but you cannot tell her to do things that are illegal. WTF - what if he decides to smash the front door down to get into his house. She needs to be advised to see a solicitor, to get a court order (if they will grant one, unlikely, but possible) or, failing that, a request to him/his legal representative to not enter the marital home without prior arrangement.

Telling the OP to change locks/get a big mate/dog/killer cat is fucking irresponsible and not going to help any future case. Why? Why can't you see that.

cakeismysaviour · 16/08/2012 16:56

I haven't advised any of those things.

mummyinspain · 16/08/2012 16:57

Frank,

I don´t think anyone is "telling" the OP to DO anything.

and yes as a single, pregant women on her on tonight who house has been entered today I would be seriously thinking about a male friend / dad / best mate that is femail but happens to be door man, round to stay. That way I KNOW I am SAFE.

you might not like it but the OP is entitled to be and FEEL safe in the home that he DP ran from having dumped her somewhere.

sadwidow28 · 16/08/2012 16:59

Well I don't withdraw my advice on how to keep Lou safe!

I have advised her on how to get the police involved.

She is entitled to change any code on her alarm at any time (like any 'master' code user has! If her alarm appears to have failed her, as the custodian of the house, she is entitltled to have a new one fitted.

Putting extra padlocks on the premises is a natural reaction for a woman/man left on their own. It is a strange twilight zone to find yourself in a house that felt safe - but now every creak and noise makes you wake up.

I was widowed 11 years ago and I have security lights that light up every aspect of my home. (It's not quite Blackpool illuminations - but you can't walk anywhere on my premises without a light going off and an internal 'beep' to tell me that there is someone around.) I also got a dog!

I don't live in fear - I live with confidence!

MagicLlamaStrikesBack · 16/08/2012 17:02

Frank There is nothing illegal about getting a new cat!

cakeismysaviour · 16/08/2012 17:04

Getting a safe to keep Lou's mail/personal valuables in. - Not Illegal

Contacting the friend at the address that Chutney gave Lou, to see if he knows where Chutney is living - Not illegal

Asking a friend to discreetly follow Chutney to his new address, writing it down and then giving the info to Lou - Not illegal

Getting a password on the computer - Not illegal

sadwidow28 · 16/08/2012 17:04

FrankWippery:

what if he decides to smash the front door down to get into his house

It depends if the Op is in the house at the time and feels threatened.

Get your facts right.

AgathaFusty · 16/08/2012 17:04

Absolutely staggered at his disgusting behaviour.

Although I know that you are trying to minimise contact with him, I think that you or someone you trust should phone him and make him aware that you know he was there and for what length of time (won't do any harm for him to know neighbours watching house on your behalf). You/they should say that you find this action abhorent and an invasion of your privacy, and that in future you expect him to contact you to arrange a mutually convenient time to visit the property.

Keep strong, you're doing great.

AgathaFusty · 16/08/2012 17:06

I assume that you don't have a house alarm, since I'm sure you would have changed the number if you had. It's good advice from various posters to get one, I think.

cakeismysaviour · 16/08/2012 17:07

Installing CCTV with a sign saying that it is there - Not Illegal

Asking neighbours to keep an eye out/act as witnesses - Not Illegal

Having friends/family around the house - Not Illegal

Getting a new pet - Not Illegal

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