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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Chutney Twunt pt 3

999 replies

LouP19 · 14/08/2012 16:39

Back again, is this a record? How many threads can this bastard have? You are all keeping me going this afternoon - you and friends on email and friends on text. It's keeping me angry which is good.

OP posts:

Babylon1 · 15/08/2012 23:02

Thymeout, I think mediation is necessary now, however I believe there is a loophole which says that only One person needs to access the counselling and if they aRe citing the other persons unreasonable behaviour - which op would be surely? Then that counts as mediation - op would need to say it would be a waste of time for all involved as there is no danger of them reconciling.

Thymeout · 15/08/2012 23:16

Thanks, Babylon.

I was just trying to make sense of Lou's H talking about counselling when he obviously had no intention of getting back together. Even more puzzling, now we know about the OW and baby. So perhaps he was thinking counselling would count as mediation and the divorce could be speeded up. But who knows?

Thymeout · 15/08/2012 23:17

And thanks, Skye. Hope it's helpful!

Bossybritches22 · 15/08/2012 23:22

Joint counselling where there is an abusive partner/spouse is not recommended by Womens Aid as the abuser often usess it for self validation, gaslighting the "victim" & upsetting them all over again.

Nothing good can come of it & if he wants a divorce why bother? If he needs it to proceed with the divorce then he can whistle for it, you take it slowly & after talking to your solicitor so you have the upper hand.

Make the bugger sweat I think!

mathanxiety · 16/08/2012 00:07

If you can negotiate a settlement privately using solicitors then the mediation requirement will not come into play. The agreement you come up with with the help of responsible solicitors can simply be given the once over by the judge and the decree issued. You could shake him off for good, baby or no baby, this way.

saffronwblue · 16/08/2012 00:37

Oh Lou. He is the rock bottom, isn't he? I second everyone else here reminding you to focus your energies on yourself, your needs and your future. The OW ( who I believe must lack in integrity, but of course we don't know what dazzling lies she has been told) has made her bed and must now lie in it. She may find that Chutney is a massively selfish and inconsiderate father...
The solicitor sounds great. You have so much good real life support with parents, colleagues, neighbours and friends. You are clearly a lovely person who other people cherish and value.
Fingers crossed for Babylon PI to get the gig! ( But of course you will decide what is best for you to do.)

ComradeJing · 16/08/2012 02:54

Oh Lou, just caught up and I'm so sorry. What a stupid, thoughtless, selfish coward he is.

I'm just thrilled you're getting so much support.

I completely agree with those who say focus on him not the OW. The OW, as unsisterly as it sounds, owes you nothing. He, OTOH, owed you a great deal. Focus your anger on him, not on her.

BlatantRedhead · 16/08/2012 03:37

Hi Lou, I've been following your threads and decided to de-lurk and throw some extra support your way. I've not been in your situation personally so have none of the amazing advice to offer that others have but am fully empathising with you and hoping everything works out for the best for you. Whatever decision you make re the pregnancy, I'm certain it will be the right one for you.

Also, your ex sounds like an absolute fucking knob-cheese.
You Deserve Better!!!!!

Babylon1 · 16/08/2012 08:41

Morning Lou, did you manage to sleep at all last night?

MrsTomHardy · 16/08/2012 09:05

Keep strong Lou

Beckamaw · 16/08/2012 09:49

Regarding mediation (as someone currently going through a divorce), it is only considered to be desirable by courts if there are children involved and disagreements over custody.
If both parties are in agreement there is no requirement.

Ruprekt · 16/08/2012 10:05

Ooh I would be tempted to use PIBabylon!!

Original poster

LouP19 · 16/08/2012 10:09

Babylon, I've just PMed you,....
Feel really crampy this morning, keep expecting the worse. Sometimes I think I want it to miscarry, other times I feel firmly that I want to have the choice. Didn't sleep that well last night again, just can't believe he's lying in bed with a woman who's over 5 months pregnant.
Mornings always the worst, as I keep repeating.

OP posts:

Portofino · 16/08/2012 10:11

Crampy can be normal though. I had similar - thought my (very) late period was coming. Dd is 8.

StuntGirl · 16/08/2012 10:15

Morning Lou.

Would it be possible to see the doctor re: your cramping, especially with your history? It could put your mind at rest.

mistlethrush · 16/08/2012 10:18

Lou - I know he's said that she's pregnant - but he's lied so many times, this might simply be another? A further pressure on you to not keep the baby?

Original poster

LouP19 · 16/08/2012 10:21

Yeah, I have thought that. But may be if I can trace him it might help solve that mystery.

I've got a hospital scan on Tuesday (with also a discussion about termination too), so can explain how I've been feeling then. I just can't believe this is happening to me after 3 years of trying, but the reality is I wanted a family. I'm not a 'baby person' particularly, and the thought of being stuck at home for 6 months with a screaming baby, on my own,.... it's not really what I wanted, however much support I get from family and friends. I also feel it may prevent me pulling myself back together and meeting someone else over the next year or so. It'll be a continual reminder of him and what he's done to me.

Anyway, trying to block that out this week. I'm currently 7 1/2 weeks, so still early days.

OP posts:

Babylon1 · 16/08/2012 10:33

Off to check pm, back soon xx

Babylon1 · 16/08/2012 10:37

Checked and replied Lou x

Phacelia · 16/08/2012 10:41

Something has really struck me reading the last few pages (which I've read like this ). I think it must have hurt so much to hear she's pregnant when you'd been trying for so long, and he's chosen to be with her and thrown away 10 years of what you had.

But I think he is utterly miserable, and is going to stay that way (hurrah!!). Think about it. Affairs are exciting and thrilling (I imagine!). Also, the vast majority of them don't last. You hear about the OW or OM begging the married person to leave, then they do and quite often the person then says 'what did you do that for?!' Or at least for 6 months it's fab. And then reality sets in, people's bad habits start showing, the drudgery of everyday life kicks in. And usually at that point it breaks up. I would bet you anything your stbxh didn't want to get sucked into his new relationship at all. In fact he's telling you as much in that he tried to get her to have an abortion too the absolute fucker. He is panicking big time. They aren't in some cosy, loving set up where they're looking forward to the baby. He doesn't want that baby. I would bet you 2-3 months after the birth he'll be gone.

Now this is all speculation, but I'm sure it's really easy to imagine them in some sort of early relationship bliss, when actually he's found himself in a situation where he's set himself up for the most misery possible. Again, hurrah! The utter idiot. In 10 years time he'll be in some crappy bedsit, supporting at least one woman financially, if not two, and you'll be happy either with a baby or a new man or something. You will come out the happier person, I promise you.

mistlethrush · 16/08/2012 10:42

Lou - DS was far from being a screaming baby. As long as he was in arms, on a knee or being played with he was generally happy. And I certainly wasn't stuck in with him - went to my first mother and baby group (coffee morning) with him at 5 wks as I wanted to get out - and didn't look back. Having said that, getting back to work part-time when he was 6 months was also good - and I think that was a good balance for me. I waited 6 years for DS to come along - with plenty of heartache along the way - and I was 37 when I had him. We have given up trying for a sibling. But DS is just a wonderful part of my life (he's now 7).

But that's my story. You are in completely different circumstances, and you still may not have a choice as its still early days (experienced hand at knowing that). You have got to do what is right for you. It is out of Chunt's hands and his thoughts on the matter should not have any impact upon your decision (however hard that might be to do).

Babylon1 · 16/08/2012 10:43

That's a nice post Phacelia

lubeybooby · 16/08/2012 10:45

Hi Lou

Cramps are normal, especially at this stage, it's all the stretching and growing, try not to worry too much.

I'm another hoping babylon PI gets the gig

Babylon1 · 16/08/2012 10:46

Mistlethrush also hits a lot of nails on many heads there too.

All 3 of my DCs have been happy little souls, easy babies - good sleepers too.

And now they're becoming happy little people who I wouldn't be without for all the tea in china!

Babylon1 · 16/08/2012 10:47

And yes, crampy pains is normal - I think they're called round ligament pains and it's all the stretching of the ligaments as your body gets ready to accommodate a growing baby

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