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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Chutney Twunt pt 3

999 replies

LouP19 · 14/08/2012 16:39

Back again, is this a record? How many threads can this bastard have? You are all keeping me going this afternoon - you and friends on email and friends on text. It's keeping me angry which is good.

OP posts:
Babylon1 · 15/08/2012 20:56

AuntieMaggie you seriously have friends that have gone through worse?? Really??

Bloody hell, I didn't think there could be much worse Sad

Babylon1 · 15/08/2012 21:00

Sorry AuntieMaggie, didn't mean that to sound flippant, I'm just Shock really at the whole situation Sad

Your poor friends too, but yay for them overcoming chutney bastards and surviving Grin

cakeismysaviour · 15/08/2012 21:05

Getting the address and having the solicitor serve the divorce papers to it would absolutely floor him.

A very satisfying thought, if nothing else!

Original poster
LouP19 · 15/08/2012 21:08

God, Babylon it's SO tempting. Thing is he straddles two sites, and I can't guarantee which site he will be on (and he flits between the 2) which is why it's not so straight forward.

Straddles two sites,..... my god, did I really just type that?!!! In fact that whole first paragraph sums up the bastard's life for the last few months!!

The cats are very slowly starting to take over the house. The more shocks I get, the better the food they get (the more fish I cook for them while I eat crap out of tins!). There are cat hairs everywhere because I'm not cleaning up. And they are seriously making a bid to sleep upstairs. As much as I'd love it, I know that will be the end of ever having a good nights sleep! Grin

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 15/08/2012 21:08

(My two oldest have stopped contact with my ex. Oldest at age 15/16 and second as soon as his 18th birthday came. exH made him go for visitation on pain of having me jailed for contempt of court and told DS that. exH had no interest in the relationship, just in his pound of flesh, what the court had said he was entitled to. He even used the word 'entitled' while fighting to have DS visit. Next oldest wants nothing more to do with him once she turns 18. He has wounded all of them).

Mothers are the parents granted automatic parental responsibility in the UK, not necessarily fathers. In the course of divorce proceedings it will be necessary to establish whether Lou is pregnant and by whom. Afaik, the question of parental responsibility will come up at that point (but I may be wrong on that). A father can petition for parental responsibility after the birth.

For various reasons, it may not be convenient for this man to acknowledge paternity or to press for parental responsibility. It would be really foolish of him to demand a paternity test unless he wanted to save face with the OW and is truly delusional (but who could have predicted any of what has already happened? No possibility should be written off). In order to not be revealed as a liar to the OW he might let the matter of parental responsibility and the possibility of a thorn in the flesh role drop and focus instead on the other relationship and baby until the shine wears off and he takes his chutney and runs..

Residence Orders, Contact Orders and Protective Steps orders may be necessary to keep him out of your life.

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/Children/Parental-rights.aspx

You may be able to negotiate a 'leave me and the child alone' resolution to this potential problem, depending on what sort of stake he has in keeping the baby and the fact that he was 'cheating' on the OW with you a secret. I think the sooner you start working on this aspect of things the better as your window in which to make a decision about the baby gets smaller every day. It is hard to take on so much at once, but you need to talk with the solicitor about this as a matter of urgency.

moomoo1967 · 15/08/2012 21:09

I heart Mumsnet. I only wish that I had known about it when my Ex disappeared, it wld have been a huge source of support and comfort. I wld have got Mumsnet members tailing his ass to find him ! Keep it up LouP you are dealing with this amazingly, I just wish I cld be of more help

mathanxiety · 15/08/2012 21:11

In other words, you may have him over the proverbial barrel right now but you need to find out for sure.

Babylon1 · 15/08/2012 21:15

Rome wasn't built in a day Lou Wink

So he straddles 2 sites - might take 48 hours then, but still very easy to do Wink

Listen, I'm on maternity leave right now, I have time, I have the inclination - I want to see the bastard nailed for what he's put you through Angry

I'm angry on your behalf and I'd be even angrier if I thought you would even contemplate paying someone to track down the lowlife when I'll gladly do it for free Grin

I'd even "special delivery" the solicitors letters and covertly video his response if you like???!!!! Nothing like a bit of satisfaction ( even though someone far more sensible will be along to tell me off shortly for offering to do something so underhanded! and highly illegal Smile

ForeverAutumnNow · 15/08/2012 21:16

Lou, Dont mention this to the solicitor until its a done deed. They tend to suggest you use the PI`s that they employ......and that costs!

tribpot · 15/08/2012 21:17

Ah yes, beware the Chutney Straddler. He likes a pickle or two. (I'm trying to fit that into the words of a song from Oliver).

vicks71 · 15/08/2012 21:19

Lou, I'm another de-lurking. This is the first time I've posted on the "relationships" board. Whilst I have nothing new to add, I just wanted to add my voice to the many who have praised you.

I'm shocked and horrified on your behalf at what the chutney thief has done - he is a coward, a fool and an all-round selfish, poor excuse for a man. What's happened has brought tears to my eyes for you and I think about you regularly during the day - sending you positive vibes.

You have displayed good judgment and integrity throughout and I think you've handled the situation far better than I could ever have done. It must feel like hell on earth now but I imagine that you are at the bottom and it's only uphill from here. You've survived the nightmare so far and so you can get through this.

For what it's worth - I'd want to tell the OW the truth too and I don't think doing so in any way compromises your upper hand/integrity. He deserves to have his web of lies blown out of the water. I also don't think it's a bad thing for your parents to send a message to him (though I appreciate that the timing might be something you want to hold off on) - he deserves to know what others think of him too. Did you tell his friend the whole picture (ie the pregnancies)? I hope his friends rip him to shreds.

I know that this has been overtaken by so many other crimes (and I don't wish to draw your mind back to it - but I imagine that none of what's happened has gone away yet) but I still can't fathom what was going through his tiny mind when he cleared the house of all trace of him. Leaving you is one (very shitty) thing, but the manner is unforgiveable. I don't get the impression that in your chats with him he's given any explanation for why he did it in that manner has he? I might have missed his sorry explanation but don't recall you mentioning one.

As others have said, your loveliness comes across so clearly in your posts. You will prosper - I'm sure of it. Know that there are many people willing you on along the way.

Babylon1 · 15/08/2012 21:19

Tribpot, you've given me an earworm dammit!!! Grin

FrankWippery · 15/08/2012 21:19

Why would you need a PI? What difference will it make?

vicks71 · 15/08/2012 21:21

oh and I'd definitely take Babylon up on her kind offer. Why pay someone to do what a handy and angry mumsnetter on maternity leave will do for free?

AuntieMaggie · 15/08/2012 21:27

Babylon no worries :)

unfortunately there are lots of chutney bastards in this world and some of them will do anything to try and get their own way including threatening them with a gun in front of their children :(

Portofino · 15/08/2012 21:38

What happened with the counselling appointment. Did he pay, or cancel it? Seems a bit pointless under the circumstances.

Bossybritches22 · 15/08/2012 21:39

Lou -

If I know anything about educational institutions, big or small they are all hotbeds of gossip, and someone knows something about everyone.

Let key people know your STBEX "you know who works in "

has left you for another woman, possibly a colleague, and the affair has been ongoing for some time.

No need to elaborate on this part or either of the pregnancies, but make sure they know how he left, and keep up the stiff upper lip approach.

It will get out, and the OW will hear about it, which is why he was so desperate earlier to know who you have told.

I know it may sound petty but why does he deserve to be treated with any repsect after the way he treated you- I can understand you wanting some answers even if it upsets you. Once you KNOW the whole story you can desal with it, this drip feeding is torture.

Bug hugs you are so brave, great to hear your solicitor is on your wavelength, having one you trust & feel comfortable with is a key thing.

Original poster
LouP19 · 15/08/2012 21:43

Counselling: the document came here and he had to pick it up and sign it and send off payment. It is still sat on the coffee table. To be honest I don't even want to go to counselling myself yet. Maybe during the winter months (when I think the grief will hit me), but not now. I can't see myself ever feeling any blame for what he's done to me.

Reasons for leaving: None. He panicked. No other explanation in amongst all his 'I'm very unhappy' texts. Barbaric

Babylon: Very very tempted. It's amazingly kind of you. Please let me sleep on it. Smile

OP posts:
3kidsand4cats · 15/08/2012 21:44

Lou, my ex never liked the cats sleeping on our bed because it disturbed his sleep. since i kicked him out, i have all 4 puds with me every night, and i wouldn't have it any other way! my persian blue snores his head off, but i don't care, i just love having them with me. how sad am i? x

JUbilympiX · 15/08/2012 21:51

We have 3 cats, and we all love having the cats snuggling up and purring. So warm, so therapeutic. Highly recommended. Grin

Babylon1 · 15/08/2012 22:18

Lou that's fine Wink it's an open offer and you have my my number, you just say the word and I'll be on it.

If you decide against it that's fine too - you know what's best for you!

Aaah sleep Grin I've been camping last few nights and not had much sleep!! Wink

skyebluesapphire · 15/08/2012 22:38

Babylon, I wish I lived closer, I'd come with you! We should definitely set up a MN PI network all over the country, it's something that keeps cropping up Grin

Thymeout · 15/08/2012 22:51

Lou - isn't mediation now part of the divorce process? I'm wondering whether this was the sort of counselling that he had in mind.

I think he's way ahead of you, fast forwarding to the time when he and OW are a respectable couple with a baby, back in the bosom of the in-laws, and everyone will be happy to draw a veil over the past to get back to some sort of normality.

When I've read other threads, I've always been outraged at the speed of events and the way the deserted wife is urged to 'move on' and stop rocking the boat.

Babylon1 · 15/08/2012 22:58

SkyblueSapphire, I've been looking for options to go self employed for a while Wink

skyebluesapphire · 15/08/2012 22:59

I'm going to mediation next week. I suggested it to STBXH due to our constant arguments over DD and he actually did something about it! And yes it is part if the divorce process now as its deemed to save court time and you can't go to court unless you try mediation first.

But Lou, mediation isn't something you need to worry about until you go down the divorce route.