First Post: Trust issue or me being silly

[Motion]

Hi,

This is my very first post on MN. Been lurking for over four years but never felt I could contribute nor had a major issue I wanted to discuss. Apologies for the long content...

Anyway something happened last night that I would like your considered opinion on, in parts a silly series of events which has left me wondering about the importance of trust in a relationship.

So last night my DS needed a new change of sheets, my DP and I were both involved in the stripping down of the bed but neither of us could find a new waterproof layer, now my DP does all the washing (I do the ironing and all the cleaning) and only occasionally would I get involved loading the washing machine up etc. Anyway we both look in the usual places for the white washing, airing cupboard, ironing box etc and can't find anything so I question my DP about whether it could be downstairs in the tumble dryer, 'no' I'm told, that was checked earlier this evening and it is empty. Some more searching and then I head downstairs whereupon in the utility room I open the dryer door and find a pile of damp white washing including the waterproof sheet. Now the usual arguments / comments follow about you said this, it was here etc occur and then we return to normal before going to bed.

At this point my DP says that for the record they would like to say that they believe I moved the washing into the dryer tonight and I am lying about finding it there!!! At this point I get pretty angry and swear it wasn't me and generally spend 5 minutes protesting my innocence (I have no reason to move it not lie about it). Anyway in summary my partner doesn't believe I'm telling the truth (I am) but I can not prove it. My DP is CONVINCED that they checked the dryer earlier that evening and therefore I must have moved it since it was empty when THEY checked!!!

So am I being silly to think that it is terrible that my DP does not believe me? I have never protested my innocence so strongly (been together 15 years) , plus I have no real motive to move or lie about it so this morning I feel so sad that my DP just doesn't, can't or will not trust what I say.

Thanks for listening

That's really weird. He would rather believe that you would sneakily move the washing just so that you can say he is in the wrong which to me sounds like a manipulative quite horrible act, then accept that he may have just forgotten to deal with the washing which is much more likely.

Why would he be so unwilling to accept he might have forgotten to do something?

And why would he be so willing to believe you are capable doing something so petty, weird and lying about it!

Im also surprised you spent so long trying to convince him. I would of just laughed at that accusation and told him not to be ridiculous.

You don't need to convince him. You know its true. Its not your fault he can't remember.

Thanks PooPoo.

I'm not sure why I'm trying so hard to protest my innocence. I guess because of the smug 'I know YOU really did move it but if you say you didn't then I believe you' rubbish as it is just empty words. I just can't work out why it bother me so much. I guess because my 'word' is just no good enough and their 'memory' of checking and finding nothing is more superior and correct then mine!

How nasty OP, what an arse he is ay does he act "superior" a lot then?

Generally DP is quite superior and one of those people that does everything perfect without prompting etc (I often say that DP should not judge people on their own standards as they are not realistic). I have occasionally forgotten to do things when I said I would but all perfectly normal stuff.

A few years back during a family issue with DP's brother my FIL said that with DP it was never their fault and always someone else's (he said he was like that too!!). I think this is a similar situation, just annoys me so much that they can't take my word for it.

I know it is pointless but I did spot that the dryer dial was set at 50minutes which means it hadn't completed the programme (or someone didn't press 'Start') and therefore it might have been interrupted by opening the door. What this means to me is that my DP set the timer AND would only ever do so if there was something in the dryer (unless something was dry when checking and then removed but with 50 minutes remaining that is pretty unlikely). It doesn't help me but makes me feel a little better...

Has he done this sort of thing before?

Have you ever tried saying "ok that's your choice if you want to believe Im that sort of person", instead of fighting your corner?

Cross posted.

Do you mean because it proves that he had put it in there? Won't he just saying you're lying about that or that you did it or something?

From your recent post it sounds as though it would be like living with a child! Real emotional immaturity there if he won't accept that he ever makes a mistake!

Not sure i could live with that. It fact i know i couldn't as had an ex like it.

I remember him phoning me at work to tell me he had melted a piece of clothing of mine that he had been ironing. It wasn't that big a deal and i wouldn't have gone mental at him about it. But before i could say a word he went into a huge rant about how it was my fault anyway. Can't even remember what his reasons were, something ridiculous probably.

Well we've always had those 'let's agree to disagree' comments about words said (or not said) or actions done or not done. Just this one issue where for some reason I know exactly the series of events and have NO reason to lie, sure it might mean I could say 'well you said they weren't in the dryer but they are...' instead of just 'you said the washing was all done...' I don't no why I'm protesting so strongly, it only started when this final comment was issued about 'just so you know I don't believe you...' - why wouldn't someone believe their DP of 15 years especially over such a trivial issue? My DP just can't see that they 1) might not have actually checked the dryer that evening or 2) might have checked but not actually seen the smallish amount of white wet washing.

I'm sure I'll get over it - but think I'll always remember that DP just doesn't trust what I say. History suggests that it won't be discussed again, I will be classed as being silly and normal behaviour will resume I get over it - given that DP can't see anything wrong in their position.

Motion, is your DP male or female? It's just that you refer to this person as 'they'. I wondered if you were male and posting this about your wife.

It seems that first line of defence is to attack. I have numerous stories where it is NEVER their fault when really it is. Alas due to this I have developed a sort of 'I told you so' in some cases (I know very childish) where I comment (nicely but still...) that DP is in fact wrong due to 'x y and z'. I make lots of mistakes, but try to just own up and say, 'yep, forgot to post that card today' - but obviously because DP would NEVER forgot to post a card then all my actions are questioned.

Ho hum

@Imperial

My DP is female. Happy to admit that but wanted to keep any gender roles out of my initial posting.

Do you think gender has a bearing? I don't feel it does in this case, neither of us has history to suggest our words are not to be trusted.

Yep, I think you're deliberately blurring the gender issue too- why?

X-post. If you don't think it has any bearing, why bother to 'edit it out' so carefully?

Hmmm, can't see why I would want to 'blur' the situation. I have tried to be as factual as possible without adding too much information or colour.

Do you think the reactions to the same same situation should be different dependant on gender?

How old is DS? Is it possible he had an accident and tried to deal with it himself?

@fairyfriend.

Alas I come to MN for help and advice to try and seek a balanced opinion and remove anything that I don't feel is relevant, sure there might be things I've not included that someone else might consider important (I don't believe there is) and I don't believe gender has an impact but if you feel it does, then perhaps you can help me understand?

@Dahlen,

DS is pre-school. I did wonder if he helped with washing earlier that day as he loves doing little jobs but there was too much for him to effectively move.

I concede that I'll never get to the 'bottom' of the mystery it really is just why I feel so low that my word is not good enough. But, as often with these situations there is 'more to it' and we haven't discovered that yet.

I suppose that I should add that I discussed this on MN as so many posters have similar environments / set ups to me that it just feels like a natural home where I can gauge and independent view on whether I should just suck it up and continue and try to address the issue.

Plus I didn't want to discuss with 'real' people just yet as in a couple of days I might feel silly having raised a relationship issue with them but I needed to talk.

typos - sorry, 'and try' should be 'or try' and 'and independent' should be 'an independent'

I'm not understanding this at all. Is there some significance about the sheets being moved. Or is it just a question of somebody looking for something and not looking properly. I've done that lots of times and so has DH. Oh I've looked there and then it turns out to be there after all.

Well there is an issue that 'someone' moved the sheets without acknowledging it, but my main concern is that my word is not good enough to say it wasn't me and I was seeking opinions to see whether this was typical (the lack of trust) and therefore I'm just being stupid and that I should except that everything I say is questioned or not.

'Oh I've looked there and then it turns out to be there after all.' I think we've all done that and I even offered this as an option - but was flatly told that no, this was not possible.

I'm sure I'll get over it - but I do feel I'll need to justify and prove any future actions! (googling CCTV at home)

Its not even remotely important if the op is male or female. Im surprised anyone even asked! What does it matter!

The point is your partner has told you that they believe you to be deliberately lying and that they never ever admit being in the wrong.

It must be exhausting to have this issue come up all the time. I can see how you would end up doing the "i told you so thing". Unfortunately living with someone like this makes it incredibly hard not to get drawn into the childish game.

I don't know what you can do really.

Have you ever told her how you feel about her never accepting she's wrong about anything? That its not normal or healthy? Because it isn't.

I would be really hurt about her saying she didn't believe you, which i am sure you are.

You waited 4 years to post something as trivial as this ?

Really ?

unless there is a massive backstory, or you live the Charmed Life of All Charmed Lives, I don't understand the issue

just tell your partner to stop being silly and get on with your life

Anyfucker. That's extremely harsh! His partner is saying that he is a liar. That she believes him to be capable of that. That he has lied on purpose and moved the washing on purpose to get at her. She does not accept that she could ever possibly forget to do something, that she could ever be wrong.

Imagine being in a relationship with someone who does that?

I usually respect what you have to say but your dismissive response has shocked me. Perhaps this is why the op didn't mention he is a man! I can not imagine you reacting this to a female poster.

The issue about the washing might be petty but the way his partner has reacted to it is not.