First Post: Trust issue or me being silly

[Motion]

Hi,

This is my very first post on MN. Been lurking for over four years but never felt I could contribute nor had a major issue I wanted to discuss. Apologies for the long content...

Anyway something happened last night that I would like your considered opinion on, in parts a silly series of events which has left me wondering about the importance of trust in a relationship.

So last night my DS needed a new change of sheets, my DP and I were both involved in the stripping down of the bed but neither of us could find a new waterproof layer, now my DP does all the washing (I do the ironing and all the cleaning) and only occasionally would I get involved loading the washing machine up etc. Anyway we both look in the usual places for the white washing, airing cupboard, ironing box etc and can't find anything so I question my DP about whether it could be downstairs in the tumble dryer, 'no' I'm told, that was checked earlier this evening and it is empty. Some more searching and then I head downstairs whereupon in the utility room I open the dryer door and find a pile of damp white washing including the waterproof sheet. Now the usual arguments / comments follow about you said this, it was here etc occur and then we return to normal before going to bed.

At this point my DP says that for the record they would like to say that they believe I moved the washing into the dryer tonight and I am lying about finding it there!!! At this point I get pretty angry and swear it wasn't me and generally spend 5 minutes protesting my innocence (I have no reason to move it not lie about it). Anyway in summary my partner doesn't believe I'm telling the truth (I am) but I can not prove it. My DP is CONVINCED that they checked the dryer earlier that evening and therefore I must have moved it since it was empty when THEY checked!!!

So am I being silly to think that it is terrible that my DP does not believe me? I have never protested my innocence so strongly (been together 15 years) , plus I have no real motive to move or lie about it so this morning I feel so sad that my DP just doesn't, can't or will not trust what I say.

Thanks for listening

'reacting'

needsomeperspective If this is the biggest issue in your marriage - the mystery of the moving washing then I suggest you give yourself a nice pat in the back and MOVE ON.

Well its not is it! Which you would know if you had read the op properly or had any understanding of how a healthy relationship should be. Is it healthy for one partner not to take blame for anything, to never admit they are wrong EVER about anything? To call the other a liar rather them accept that THEY might have forgotten something unimportant?

Who made PooPoo the thread police?

Some people can make a mountain out of anything. I should know

needsomeperspective

Come on. It's not a "trust issue". It's a case of both parties believing a situation to be true given the evidence of their own eyes. People are fallible. He says, she says. One of you is mistaken, neither of you are deliberately lying to the other. Its a stupid idiotic thing to have a fight about. How anyone can blow this up into a relationship threatening issue is beyond me.

Yeah, and I don't hate "all men" just most of em

Yeah, and I don't hate "all men" just most of em

Oh lighten up FFS

Exactly Tantrums

Oh sorry didn't see your post . . . was off reading thread after thread after thread in relationships written by women. Took a while because of the hundreds of supportive, understanding replies they got.

and rightly so

"Sorry - haven't read all the posts.

Typical man. That's it really.

Give him a swift kick "

This is the greatest example of all time proving that you MUST, absolutely MUST, read the whole thread before commenting!

I find it so strange MissFaversam that you find your double standards and sexism hilarious. How lovely for you.

Annie. The only reason they would need to read the whole thread first is if they were likely to give completely different advice to a man than a woman. Some people actually think we are equals deserving equal amount of respect. In which case the advice would be the same.

You gotta admit, it's quite funny :)
I

From the OP there was something odd about this thread. Still not sure what it is.

An always perfect partner of whatever gender can be very annoying.

My ex-NSDW had a habit of asking me for ideas/suggestions/what we could make for tea... and always did the opposite. That nagged at me for ages, until I eventually made a list over a period and showed that everytime for 10 days she'd done just that. She denied it.

That disbelief also rankled - and then that every time I'd clean, she'd reclean; and so on.

Either put up with it if you still love her... or suggest counselling, which I suspect will mean it's over...

Do you get different responses here depending if you're a man or woman?

Yeah, very probably. Of course, while posters here are usually pretty canny about not being hetero-normative, the idea that they might be cis-normative doesn't always occur.

My nick (which I don't namechange, FWIW) was deliberately chosen to clarify my gender. Some posters tend to be a bit over critical of men IMV, but most aren't.

And yes, I'd lurked and browsed for ages.
And yes, I frequent lots of varied forums, and had never encountered the paranoia about threads about threads which I got beaten up for once.
And yes, when I pointed out another well-known poster was doing exactly the same thing, I got beaten up for that, too :-)

In general, it is a pretty intersting place, and most posters are pretty friendly. I'm fortunate that my DS and DD are now both legally adults and live away from both ex-NSDW and me. and decide when they want to visit us - and they still do. Which for an AP since my daughter was 5 is nice.

I don't think it's easy to live with someone who thinks they are always right. I also think it's especially cruel and self-delusional to laugh, dismiss or accuse someone of lying when found to be in the wrong. That behaviour is tipping into abuse. It's a question of whether you can put up with it and how bad everything else is.

The first line of defence being attack is something I've heard elsewhere. It's incredibly wearing to live with and deal with. It can make you deeply unhappy.

Yes, women can be like that. It needn't be a partner, they can be relatives too. So if it's any help Motion,I can quite see why you feel low.

I find it strange poopoo that you like to seem so rational but then all of a sudden you tell people with other opinions to fuck off and try to throw them off threads?

See, PooPoo, that illustrates your point if anything. The poster has leapt in calling the DP a typical man, when in fact the typical man in this case is, in fact, a woman.

Actually the OP never said he/she was a man either... there's more than one way to have children in a partnership.

Anyway, though, I do sort of see where MissFaversham and others are coming from. XH would tell a completely different story of our life together and ultimate divorce too, one which would have most readers queueing up to offer him sympathy and demonise the vicious, self-centred ex-wife (me).

I remember a thread a couple of years ago when a concerned father posted about his wife holing herself up in a flat with the baby and acting dangerously irrationally, including throwing a box of wipes at him close to the baby's head etc. That thread didn't smell right to me and as it turned out it was not exactly proved, but highly probable, that the concerned fellow was in fact a really annoying arsehole whose wife was in the middle of divorcing him, hence why she wasn't keen to let him into her flat, and the throwing story was so far exaggerated as to be effectively untrue. It's not just a man thing by any means, as the Stately Homes threads show all too clearly, but it is quite often a man thing, especially when posted on a women's forum.

I dunno though, this one is different. The OP does have a slightly stilted way of writing which he/she has explained, but it doesn't smell like one of the twisted abuser's versions of the facts. I think the DP in this case is one of those infuriatingly stubborn people who will not be wrong even when they clearly are. (My dad springs to mind.)

Thank you annie as always for your very balanced view. We all have our opinions and mine were for the following reasons:

I felt the OP, in not being upfront and honest about gender a bit off.
The exacting of things rather odd.
The fact that he stated his partner had accused him of lying "again".
The statement that his partner had accused "him" of moving things again.

but as said, that was my opinion.

What I'm rather shocked about is being told to feck off and leave the thread.

Missfaversham. I haven't told anyone to fuck off

Umm. Poo? yes you have but you used the word "Feck", same thing though in my book.

Apologies to all (especially the OP) for carrying a grievance over from a thread of the same day due to still being baited.

Motion. Have you had any progress with your wife?

(yes Im ignoring you missfav, you and your views and prejudices on men are not worth my time and effort, please don't converse with me again. Oh and feck means flip in Ireland)

Well your obviously not ignoring me to write about me again

rolls eyes and tuts