First Post: Trust issue or me being silly

[Motion]

Hi,

This is my very first post on MN. Been lurking for over four years but never felt I could contribute nor had a major issue I wanted to discuss. Apologies for the long content...

Anyway something happened last night that I would like your considered opinion on, in parts a silly series of events which has left me wondering about the importance of trust in a relationship.

So last night my DS needed a new change of sheets, my DP and I were both involved in the stripping down of the bed but neither of us could find a new waterproof layer, now my DP does all the washing (I do the ironing and all the cleaning) and only occasionally would I get involved loading the washing machine up etc. Anyway we both look in the usual places for the white washing, airing cupboard, ironing box etc and can't find anything so I question my DP about whether it could be downstairs in the tumble dryer, 'no' I'm told, that was checked earlier this evening and it is empty. Some more searching and then I head downstairs whereupon in the utility room I open the dryer door and find a pile of damp white washing including the waterproof sheet. Now the usual arguments / comments follow about you said this, it was here etc occur and then we return to normal before going to bed.

At this point my DP says that for the record they would like to say that they believe I moved the washing into the dryer tonight and I am lying about finding it there!!! At this point I get pretty angry and swear it wasn't me and generally spend 5 minutes protesting my innocence (I have no reason to move it not lie about it). Anyway in summary my partner doesn't believe I'm telling the truth (I am) but I can not prove it. My DP is CONVINCED that they checked the dryer earlier that evening and therefore I must have moved it since it was empty when THEY checked!!!

So am I being silly to think that it is terrible that my DP does not believe me? I have never protested my innocence so strongly (been together 15 years) , plus I have no real motive to move or lie about it so this morning I feel so sad that my DP just doesn't, can't or will not trust what I say.

Thanks for listening

Tantrums. Missfaversham did. Go back and read her posts if you want. Started off saying the partner was an arse and then when she found out the partner was a woman and the op was a man she completely changed her tune, was taking the piss and doubting his story.

Missfav you start off saying this . . .

MissFaversamTue 14-Aug-12 10:38:56 How nasty OP, what an arse he is ay does he act "superior" a lot then?

And once you know he's a man you say this . . .

We all have our own opinions and mine in this case is i don't [believe]. There will be plenty though who do.

You completely lack awareness of your own double standards! Disgustingly shocking!

I'm not actually sure what this is to 'not' believe, either my original post contains lies or the fact that it is possible to read a forum for a number of years but only just post on a personal issue to seek responses - actually I don't even think it is worth anyone's time to establish that. In this case the contributions have been useful.

My original reasons for posting do still stand, and from this morning alone I have felt better (in parts) and will look at the wider issue and do some research to see if that helps.

One is always entitled to change ones mind Poo and for whatever reason. Do you have an anger problem at all?

I did read back.

I didn't get what you were saying though.

Tantrums. Missfav started off sympathetic and called the partner an arse. Once she knew the op was a man she completely changed her mind. Said she didn't believe him, implied he was a troll, etc etc. Don't know what else there is to explain.

Missfav. You're right i do get angry, angry with people who have double standards like yourself. Men are allowed to get upset about things as well you know, not just women.

You're overstepping the mark her AGAIN poopoo, when did I ever suggest the OP was a troll? I'm just suggesting that yes, due to this being a thread by a man it does read differently in my eyes. The OP wasn't upfront and honest in posting either which if you read his opening it says "trust" issues. Trust is about honesty surely so no, therefore I don't trust the OP now.

I just wanted to say that I wasn't being dishonest. I was trying to remove gender and when asked whether the DP was male or female I said straight away. There is nothing in my posts that I can see aren't true or 'honest'.

While I think this thread has reached the end I am actually interested in MissF opinion on how the response should be different as the DP is female, i.e. 'it reads differently in my eyes' as this might help me in my response to my partner, although I fear you would tell me, as a man, to just get over it.

and post a message pretendeding to be a man.

Ok Motion I will answer that. I sure as hell could never phathom a woman putting washing machines etc. in the same sentence as trust?

Why does she not "trust" you then?

Why would she think you are moving things deliberately?

motion tbh there are an awful lot of threads involving women in controlling relationships, abusive relationships etc as I'm sure you know if you have been here for 3 years.

It does read a bit different from a man, it probably shouldn't and perpetuates the double standard etc etc.

But obviously you knew that when you posted.
Therefore dishonest IMHO

Yes it would bother me in this scenario.

Did you say anything to her, in a frustrated middle-of-the-night kind of way that might precipatate this kind of defensive response?

If this came from nowhere then I am quite sure that I would minimise the argument. I assume you were both tired. You have accepted your DW's nature that she 'has to be right' and I think the only way to continue a relationship with someone that takes themselves that seriously is to disagree quietly, let them have the last word and move past it.

It's washing in the machine. Or not. It doesn't matter. She's being stubborn about it but it's not important enough to 'leave the bastard'.

If it bothers you to this extent, you could think about asking her to go to counselling and you could address why she needs to assert herself over you and how it makes you feel.

It seems to me there's a very simple issue here, which is your DP accusing you of lying. That's hurtful and is about trust. You should have said clearly and calmly, once, that you were not lying, would not seek to deceive her in this way and are upset that she would believe this of you. Then left it. Getting all defensive immediately suggests there's something to be defensive about.

She may be genuinely confused, as she checked the dryer quickly and failed to see the sheets. A habit of blaming you when things aren't right isn't nice but may be so habitual she hardly knows she's doing it. You have to decide whether it's a discomfort you can live with or something you need to challenge.

I do think the way people interpret others' behaviour often says more about them than the person they're commenting upon. The idea of moving the sheets later to shift blame came from her.

You can post general advice without necessarily accepting everything in the OP as gospel, though. Isn't that what people generally do on the Relationships board? I do. I get that it is only one side of the story, and devoid of all the nuances of RL. If you disbelieve the OP to such a fundamental degree that you see a sinister agenda, it might be better not to post.

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons It does read a bit different from a man, it probably shouldn't and perpetuates the double standard etc etc. But obviously you knew that when you posted. Therefore dishonest IMHO

Can you blame him? The double standards in the replies on this thread has proven his need to make this a genderless post.

lottiegarbanzo I do think the way people interpret others' behaviour often says more about them than the person they're commenting upon. The idea of moving the sheets later to shift blame came from her.

That's interesting!

It's a very trivial matter to pick an argument over, Motion. Why the hell would someone start point-scoring about whether sheets were in the tumble dryer or not?

Perhaps she's pissed off about other things and just wanted to start a row / have some outlet for her frustration.

I still don't understand why Op deliberately fudged the issue of gender

I have seen plenty of men get sympathetic responses on here

Only when they start with the sexist stuff (OP here didn't) or start getting arsey if they don't get the responses they wanted (OP here didn't do that either) do they get a hard time

So, no real reason to fudge genders (by a long standing MN user) unless to prove a point about something.

For me anyway, the rather curious stilted speech, overly-exact use of language and almost trademark staccato "must take mental note" smacks of something off kilter. Unless OP comes back to say English isn't his first language, which he could easily have done when I said several times upthread I was struggling to "get" what he was saying. If that were to happen though, I woud consider it a drip feed at this late stage in proceedings.

Ultimately though, I am sure I will be shouted down with "people can post in the style they like, who are you, the language police?" which is absolutely true.

Having seen lots of this "reverse gender" bollocks though, I reserve my own judgement.

In retrospect I would change my original post so that while remaining gender neutral it would ask that any advice or opinions be offered in both scenarios where DP was either male or female. Obviously some responses would be different, I haven't been able to determine how as such but there has been some useful submission in-between everything so thanks.

In terms of my posts I have tried to remain polite, succinct and tried to remove any emotional aspects to try and explain the 'facts' from my perspective. At no point do I feel I have 'pretended' to be anything. If that was the case I would expect my first post to be DP with 'she' or DW, or even reply to the original query about gender stating that DP was a female thus I could understand a potential 'sinister' agenda where in this case there is none.

In my own responses I have appreciated the useful comments and suggestions, and continually said so. I have also tried to inject some humour and attempted to keep the posts 'smiley' when various accusations where being made.

Once I was asked directly (which happened in a very short time after my original post) I did not defer the question, I did not ask why it was important etc (as often occurs) I just replied with an answer.

To any question that was raised, where possible I have tried to reply to help clarify things. When AnyF.. was unable to understand me due to my style I have each time (as far as I can recall) tried to respond with thought and care to try and explain myself better in a slightly different way.

I am unable to apologise for my style of writing, I have previously been told I'm too formal in the written sense, my professional background and education has influenced this greatly. I have no experience of being able to determine someones motives or aims directly from their writing style but my intentions have always been to try and be clear as possible in an attempt to receive some useful opinion.

Thanks

If 'they' checked the dryer who is 'they'. If it is DP and DS surely DS must have been there too and would know what they'd done.

Also you say it was still wet when you found it so it wouldn't have been ready for putting onto the bed.

She must have checked the washing machine (assuming it is also a front loader) and thought she had checked the dryer but as it's a similar action got confused.

Is there a reason why she would assume she is right or a reason for her to make a stand, are you alot older than DP so she might put it down to your aging memory, does she feel her share of the work is much more than yours so felt that you shouldn't pull her up on something, is she peeved that you had caught her being short of bedding ie not keeping on top of things, are you someone who is always right ?

Hi op, Im sorry that you didn't get the balanced advice, unbiased by gender, that you were after.

Im sure you are aware that some mn posters can be a bit sexist [otherwise you wouldn't have posted a genderless post] and have a lot less sympathy towards men. I was aware of it as well but must say i was shocked to see it so blatant.

I am positive that if you had posted this saying you were a women and it was your husband calling you a liar you would have been inundated with sympathetic responses.

Its a real shame that mn can't be a place of support for men as well as women, but unfortunately the sexism is alive and kicking here.

I hope you sort things out, you don't have to put up with being called a liar and taking the blame for everything just so your wife feels better. I realise you are probably used to it but its really not normal or healthy

If this is the biggest issue in your marriage - the mystery of the moving washing then I suggest you give yourself a nice pat in the back and MOVE ON.

Sorry - haven't read all the posts.

Typical man. That's it really.

Give him a swift kick

I wondered if there was implications to do with gender. As we were not told what gender the OP was an what gender the partner. I tried to phrase my reply accordingly. But I suspected it was a post about reteacting to incidents differently because of gender. So it could be two men, or two women. The OP could be a man and the partner a women. Or vice versa. I'm not reading the whole thread again but sad it has degenerated into another 'gender issue'.