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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First Post: Trust issue or me being silly

132 replies

Motion · 14/08/2012 09:50

Hi,

This is my very first post on MN. Been lurking for over four years but never felt I could contribute nor had a major issue I wanted to discuss. Apologies for the long content...

Anyway something happened last night that I would like your considered opinion on, in parts a silly series of events which has left me wondering about the importance of trust in a relationship.

So last night my DS needed a new change of sheets, my DP and I were both involved in the stripping down of the bed but neither of us could find a new waterproof layer, now my DP does all the washing (I do the ironing and all the cleaning) and only occasionally would I get involved loading the washing machine up etc. Anyway we both look in the usual places for the white washing, airing cupboard, ironing box etc and can't find anything so I question my DP about whether it could be downstairs in the tumble dryer, 'no' I'm told, that was checked earlier this evening and it is empty. Some more searching and then I head downstairs whereupon in the utility room I open the dryer door and find a pile of damp white washing including the waterproof sheet. Now the usual arguments / comments follow about you said this, it was here etc occur and then we return to normal before going to bed.

At this point my DP says that for the record they would like to say that they believe I moved the washing into the dryer tonight and I am lying about finding it there!!! At this point I get pretty angry and swear it wasn't me and generally spend 5 minutes protesting my innocence (I have no reason to move it not lie about it). Anyway in summary my partner doesn't believe I'm telling the truth (I am) but I can not prove it. My DP is CONVINCED that they checked the dryer earlier that evening and therefore I must have moved it since it was empty when THEY checked!!!

So am I being silly to think that it is terrible that my DP does not believe me? I have never protested my innocence so strongly (been together 15 years) , plus I have no real motive to move or lie about it so this morning I feel so sad that my DP just doesn't, can't or will not trust what I say.

Thanks for listening

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 14/08/2012 12:08

I've been giving the it wasn't there when I looked (when it obviously must have been) and I've done it myself. How could I not have seen it. I don't honestly think this is a big issue.

fairyfriend · 14/08/2012 12:15

Poopooonmars, I didn't think gender was important, but I found it odd that the OP was being deliberately vague.

And in defence of anyfucker, I have read many of her posts (and like you I often agree with them!) And I think she would be just as likely to tell a female poster to 'get a life' as a male one! Grin

PooPooOnMars · 14/08/2012 12:26

Viv. This is a bit different to just saying it wasn't there when i looked earlier though isn't it. She is saying she can't possible have forgotten and he is a liar.

AnyFucker · 14/08/2012 12:34

Poo, I deliberately didn't try to figure out which gender was which as soon as there was a question raised about it

I am still not clear whether the Op is a bloke and the silly person is a woman, or we are talking about two women here

these two are arguing about wet washing

Op has been a member of MN for 4 years, he/she knows not to drip feed

tell the rest of it, OP, then we know what you are asking

PooPooOnMars · 14/08/2012 12:41

They are not arguing about wet washing! You know there is always more to it then the cause of the argument. In this case its that one person is never ever wrong. Imagine that? Living with someone who would rather believe you are lying then believe they might have forgot something. Imagine your partner saying that to you.

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 14/08/2012 12:43

There has to be more to it than this?

I don't really understand why you are so upset tbh.
You have already said that you know your DP never admits to being wrong so surely you have been in this sort of situation before? Or something similar?

She doesn't believe the washing was there. You know it was. It's a mistake.

Unless theres a whole bigger issue?

AnyFucker · 14/08/2012 12:44

Im also surprised you spent so long trying to convince him. I would of just laughed at that accusation and told him not to be ridiculous.

Poo, this is your quote. Do you realise I am saying the same thing ?

Viviennemary · 14/08/2012 12:46

I'm no more enlightened over this. But really, if it's only wet washing move on. If it's bigger issues about lying and trust and being called a liar and calling somebody a liar and being accused and blamed then that's a different story. So underlying tensions?

PooPooOnMars · 14/08/2012 12:54

Anyfucker. In a normal relationship that's what you would do. But this happens all the time by the sounds of it. There is only so long you can laugh it off.

MissFaversam · 14/08/2012 12:55

Do you lie a lot then OP?

Original poster
Motion · 14/08/2012 13:01

thanks everyone.

As my thread title suggests, the post was always going to provoke two types of response. Either just get on with it, or indeed it is a bigger issue.

My query and response might indeed seem trivial, however for me (currently) I feel it is very important where my DP of 15 years is unable to take my word for it. It has not been a charmed 4 years of parenting but I have yet to come across an issue I wanted to discuss out in the open, until now. This is a case of personal opinion as to what is important to someone.

Perhaps I am naive, if someone tells me something to be the truth then I take it as - sure I know that isn't the real world, but I guess I hoped that in such a relationship it would be (although writing this sentence I know there are numerous examples on MN where relationships, whatever length, do not contain the truth). I don't believe I'm hiding anything, just wanted to hear opinions on how important the idea of trust and truth is to those on MN to help me put my views in perspective.

MN has given me an opportunity to discuss, debate and consider my own personal response, I know that in a while I'll feel better and probably stupid for posting.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motion · 14/08/2012 13:06

@MissFaversham

I personally don't believe I lie a lot (I'm trying to think of my last lie to see how often then occur...) I try to spend a lot of energy on trying to live a sound, good and respectable life due to my own morals and religious beliefs.

My DP never lies (certainly that I can recall) and there is never a grey area in this respect.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/08/2012 13:08

OP, are you saying this is an isolated incident and there is no back story?

You are wanting opinions on this washing incident alone ? I don't know what you want from this thread, hence my appearing harsh, I suppose.

AnyFucker · 14/08/2012 13:09

I guess I find it easier to give a more considered response when I "get" the OP.

I don't get you, OP.

AnyFucker · 14/08/2012 13:10

I don't think you should feel stupid for posting, though.

MissFaversam · 14/08/2012 13:10

So what's your problem then?

I smell a rat.

Why not go get a finger print kit for white goods?

Original poster
Motion · 14/08/2012 13:13

@AnyFucker

I really wanted to know whether your partner not believing you is / would be / should be an issue or if this is standard behaviour which I've only just come across? I (prior to this event) couldn't imagine not believing something which my DP had stated.

I can see that people might think it is not a problem and is typical (the not believing a partner) and others not so much, also this thread has given me the opportunity to discuss and think about this in a discrete way which I believe is beneficial.

OP posts:
MissFaversam · 14/08/2012 13:15

OOps silly me, print kit would be too much trouble due to having to wipe everytime after use. I know... CCTV

AnyFucker · 14/08/2012 13:21

You have only just come across this behaviour ? Do you mean your partner has never upset you in this way before. ?

< digs deep, keeps trying >

AnyFucker · 14/08/2012 13:21

MissF, would you stop making me bloody laugh, I am trying to be serious here !

PooPooOnMars · 14/08/2012 13:22

Generally DP is quite superior and one of those people that does everything perfect without prompting etc (I often say that DP should not judge people on their own standards as they are not realistic). I have occasionally forgotten to do things when I said I would but all perfectly normal stuff. A few years back during a family issue with DP's brother my FIL said that with DP it was never their fault and always someone else's (he said he was like that too!!). I think this is a similar situation, just annoys me so much that they can't take my word for it.

I would say this indicates its not an isolated incident.

Original poster
Motion · 14/08/2012 13:22

Only come across the idea that what I say is not believed. My DP has never gone to bed saying something like: just so you know I don't believe what you said.

OP posts:
PooPooOnMars · 14/08/2012 13:24

Wow

MissFaversamTue How nasty OP, what an arse he is ay does he act "superior" a lot then?

So that was your response when you thought the op was a woman. Now you know its a man you just take the piss!

Shocking double standards!

MissFaversam · 14/08/2012 13:27

Unfortunately PooPoo it was drip-fed and my opinion has now changed.

AnyFucker · 14/08/2012 13:27

OP, I am trying to understand

Has your partner done this kind of thing before? Or not.