real life challenges vs online misadventures, dating (and non-dating) thread 19

[hatesponge]

I have been to the pub. I'm not pissed but I am happy (well happier at least).

Conclusions reached this evening:

1. I am pretty bloody amazing, and any man I choose to date is very very lucky and should appreciate this fact!
2. Online dating is not for me. But I have learned from it that I shouldnt judge a book by it's cover and not to be so superficial
3. Man from the weekend DID like me, he is either still in love with his wife, or still hurt by her and lacking in confidence, there is NOTHING I did wrong, and he probably will be back at some point, but it will be too late because I will have MOVED ON :)
4. I am joining the gym and losing my remaining 3 stone.
5. I am going back to my old haunts in Essex this weekend because I have the best nights out there and feel at home. I intend to drink, dance, look fabulous and talk to anyone and everyone!

So that's my resolutions for the thread in essence, less moaning, more exercise, to have fun and be sociable to everyone, less aloof unavailable ice queen and more friendly and approachable.

Time well done re weightloss that's brilliant! you have reminded me that I need to get my arse in gear re losing weight (as I said I would at the start of the thread) just need to get this weekend out of the way - and the vat of alcohol I plan on drinking tonight - first :)

I constantly analyse everything. I do like him, I like him a lot but sometimes I get the feeling that I think "you know what, I can't be arsed with this" because the analysing tires me out.

Here is an example. We have seen each other on every Friday night since we met. Last night he had to go to a wedding do so we knew we wouldn't be able to see each other. He kept texting during the day saying he wishes he wasn't going, he'd rather be with me etc etc and then said he'd be texting me all night from this do. I though "aww how sweet!"

Well, he text me once simply saying "hows it going?" I replied and then I got nothing else all night. Fair enough I thought and then went to bed about midnight. 00.30 I get a text from him asking if I'm awake - from then on for the next two hours, lots of soppy texts about how he wants to cuddle me, kiss me, I'm gorgeous etc etc he was obviously drunk - and then I assume he fell asleep as he went quiet.

Now today - nothing at all. Yeah he may have hangover but it's almost lunch time and he always texts me before 10am - has done every since we met.

Now I'm analysing again - thinking "don't text him" but then "maybe I should text him?" to thinking "ah fuck it, he'll get in touch if he wants to" and then swiftly on to "why is he not texting?"

I really don't know if I have the mental strength for this right now.

Thank you! It's amazing what a difference that 6lbs has made. I want to lose about another 7lb, then I will be skinny!!

Sponge honestly, low carb is the way to go. Try it for a week, you will be amazed!

Right, catch you all later, real life calls!

Ahh the texting. Been there done that. Used to do my head right in. The thing is, he is just being himself. He was at a wedding and not with you so...before he goes he tells you he wishes he could be with you. Whilst he is there he is presumably drinking and gets mushy. Today he will be hungover and possibly not even awake.

To you it's withdrawal of reassurance he wants to be with you. It's not. Put your phone away and go do something fun, distract yourself! I am willing to bet you will hear from him soon enough

I am really starting to learn that getting so wrapped up in a man is just not healthy! S hasn't text me yet and a few months back I might have been wondering why, but not anymore. I am happily listening to music (a Disney song from Hercules currently! Arf!) and I will hear from him when he either rejoins the land of the living or has the time or plain wants to text me!

I think after a bad relationship it affects us and for a while you don't trust men, honestly I didn't trust anyone at all. Now I have people that I do trust, those people who were still there after I went through my darkest times.

Its all too easy to shut people out and when you do find another relationship you find yourself finding reasons that aren't there to push them away. I know, or you start to fall for them. I was told by my oldest mate that I would "always fall in love too easily, Love too deeply and end up getting hurt for it" god he was so right. Love is complicated, relationships are complicated. It is a case of the more times you get hurt the harder it becomes to trust.

Miracles you are spot on there. I have had so many bad relationships, been used so many times, been lied to and disrespected that this new guy seems a little too good to be true. Therefore when he so much as breathes out of place I jump on it with "ah ha! knew you'd mess up before long! you're a bad un'" when really - the poor guy hasn't actually done anything wrong at all.

Sometimes I think life would be easier if I went through it alone. Less chance of getting hurt

Really, don't overthink the texting. Totally agree with Fate go off and find something to do which doesn't involve looking at your phone every 5 mins. A watched pot never boils & all that!

Time I think I might have to try. But I mainly live on pasta and rice which are carbs aren't they? Not sure if I can live without both!

I need to get my arse in gear - should be on the train by now but instead am still sat here, but the alcohol awaiting me back in my home town won't drink itself Will be back tomorrow with tales of Essex.....!

Without a doubt it would be easier. And lonelier.

Have you considered counselling nikita? I had a few sessions but then couldn't attend due to child care but planning to go when I start college at the end of the month. Mostly because I don't trust anyone and have self esteem/insecurity/rejection issues due to childhood stuff and bad relationships .

The few I did have were helpful to me, maybe something to consider.

Finally caught up.

There have been some interesting thoughts/comments on this thread, some which have struck a chord.

I was brought up in a single parent family, I know who my "father" is but I don't have a relationship with him as such. It's not something I think a lot about but I suspect it's probably had more of an effect on me when growing up than I've thought about. I know 'thought about' probably doesn't make much sense but to say something like '...I want to admit' would mean I'd given it some thought and I haven't. I'm not the type to look deeply into myself and how things affect me, it's easier not to.

Time I know what you mean wrt not having a lot of time for yourself. My ex has had our dc overnight twice in the twelve years we've been apart. Tbf he's never had the type of job were he's had regular weekends off. When we first split his days off changed from week to week so he used to just come and pick them up for a couple of hours and then drop them back off. I never had the money for regular babysitters either. Now they're adults and I'm unemployed, have debts that need paying off, and am trying to save the little extra money I do have so I'll have some money to be able to get to any interviews I might just get lucky to have.

Congratulations on your weight loss

I'm another one who is trying to lose weight. I just can't seem to get motivated atm. I know low carb has been mentioned but I just can't imagine myself sticking to that long term, plus in order to do it I'd need to think up a meal plan for the week and stick to it, easier said than done. Maybe I'd be better off swapping white carbs for brown ones, ie bread/rice etc, to start with and reducing carb portion sizes, as opposed to trying to cut them out completely.

I think I'm feeling it more this weekend as I'm on my own. I was on my own all last night whilst he was out partying and my mates were out with their boyfriends etc - I'm on my own all day today and will be on my own all night tonight - I tried to arrange a night out with the girls but we have exams coming up and everyone is trying to revise so staying in. I'll be on my own all tomorrow too. I'm just feeling really fed up and deflated. Contemplating getting drunk on my own tonight. Bottle of wine from tesco maybe.

But yes, I'd love to have counselling. I definitely need it, I just don't know how to go about getting it?

I'm on my own tonight nikita, will happily neck some wine and keep you online company! I could go out but I can't really be arsed and am keeping money for S birthday next week

Go see your gp, ask for it and ask if they offer at the surgery. He or she will probably want to know why, just tell them and they will sort it from there.

Forgot to say I've started a Pilates class. Ingenus, who runs the workfare program I'm on, offer classes for free once a week. I went to my second on Thursday and am enjoying it. I'll stick with doing them for the next couple of weeks I think and then start introducing some other form of exercise, probably running again, after that.

Some men are worth it, truly and completely, its just finding the rare ones, and they are very rare.
nikita I had a bad marriage for 6 years, I got married too young, at just 17 but the people in our lives are put there for a reason. It makes us stronger.

Well he text and just asked how I was and said he was off to shop. No mention of last night.

I'm supposed to be staying at his house tomorrow night and he's just asked if it will be too much hassle for me (he does live miles away to be fair and I have to be at uni on Monday morning for 9am). Not sure if that's his way of saying "shall we not bother with that" or am I being paranoid again?

I really need a drink. I feel so down today.

Stop trying to guess what he is thinking! What do you want to do? If you want to stay, stay. As for last night, he might be a little embarrassed for being mushy. Men are odd creatures.

nikita... I could have wrote that too... last weekend we were both out with our own group of friends, his stayed out drinking where's mine all went home by 11 :( he didn't get to bump into rag other as we had hoped.. but he kept sending me texts till he was probably too drunk ! ten the next morning... no texts... I was so tempted to text him see if he was ok etc... but managed not to and then he rung me instead mid afternoon to say he'd only just got up and was very hungover... I'm glad I didn't bug him with a text and it's this resolve I need to stick to.

last night he said he would ring me once he's fit to his holiday destination tonight.. so I'm not going to text him until he texts or rings me first ... as much as it is killing me not to lol ...

Hi Nikita - you can get free counselling through the NHS but waiting list varies. Sometimes when you're ready to do some work on this stuff it can be really frustrating to then have to wait several weeks or even months. There are also lots of charities around that offer low cost or free counselling with generally shorter waiting lists than the NHS. I don't know where you are so can't make a specific recommendation.

I definitely wouldn't read too much into the texts - they are so hard to interpret! However, if the thing about worrying about holidays, kids etc is niggling at you that might be worth an actual conversation and will hopefully put your mind at rest. Sounds like he really likes you and is probably just hungover today.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down - you know a drink will probably make you feel worse? That said, I've got my eye on several G&Ts tonight...counting down the hours until it seems a sensible thing to do!

This is my first chance to post for a few days and, as Chaotic said, there have been a lot of interesting comments.

I too identify with Time and others about how hard it can be to get out when you have a young child. My DS is 3, and my ex looks after him for 24 hours a week (which I appreciate is more than some people get) so I only have one day a week to see old friends, socialise, go on internet dates, etc. Pre-DS I used to go out a lot, but it's just not so easy now.

The comments on positive thinking were interesting. I'm quite negative about things, and after 3 really tough years, it's sometimes hard to believe that things are ever going to get better. Instead of waking up looking forward to the day, I usually wake up dreading it, which I know is a sad way to live. I'll try to take inspiration from some of you!

And as for meeting men in real life, I've just been away with DS for a few days. We stayed at a hotel and on our first day there I met a single dad with his little girl. He was lovely and we chatted briefly - but then I didn't see him again before we left. (He was probably hiding - he saw me at my absolute worst, with not a scrap of make-up and hair all over the place after swimming!) But somehow it felt so much nicer than meeting men off the internet, and I felt attracted to him, which is something I rarely find with internet dates.

Nikita, how are you feeling now?

Chaotic I am due to start the work programme with Ingenus in September. I hope they offer me pilates classes too! Can you tell me Chaotic, do we attend the programme every day? I've tried to get info out of my advisor several times but she appears to know nothing about it, she skirts over my questions and I never get an answer. I don't really need all the interview skills, cv stuff etc because I've already done it. I just want the work experience. I'm looking forward to it but would like to know a bit about it but it doesn't look as if I will be finding anything out from the jobcentre Are you enjoying it?

Sponge pasta and rice are definitely not low carb. Trust me, once you start low carbing properly you will feel amazing. Your appetite will be massively reduced and you won't crave sweet things. When you taste chocolate you won't like it. I allowed myself whole milk for coffees but I can't stand that now, it's too sweet, so I'm drinking green tea instead. I love low carb.

Yes Libby take inspiration on the positive thinking. Life is too short to spend it being negative and miserable. Like Snape said above, it is all about mind set and if you haven't got it right now, you fake it until you have. It does work

Right, I've had a text from Candle Man "Can we start again? I'm so sorry that I offended you, I Know you are a lady and I do respect you, I would like a chance to prove to you that I mean it, if you will let me"

I've not replied. Should I reply? Should I give him a chance to prove himself? Should I 'let go' and have a bit of fun with a 38 year old or, has he already proved himself to be a 100% dickhead who doesn't deserve a second chance? Help me please!!

Only you can answer that, he seems like a prick but everyone has the right to make mistakes. He has apologized and admitted he was wrong which is more than what most men do.

Time did he spell it all properly? No text speak?

If so I'd be tempted to give it a tiny weeny go, with a quick coffee date.

Purely because that would impress me, hmm actually maybe impress isn't the word, but it would warm the ice enough for me, for a coffee date, to get a decent apoloigy after you gave it to him with both barrels.

Time My first appointment at Ingenus was to take my personal details and set me up on the system, ie what jobs I'm looking for. My advisor did say I would see him each week and he also booked me an appointment with someone, who was supposed to teach me how to do a job search . However, when I attended the second appointment with my advisor I found out that the woman had gone on the sick and there was no one else to take her place. Also the following two weeks my advisor was on holiday so I didn't see him those weeks, although he did book me in one week for a job search. I've also seen him the last two Tuesdays, the last one he told me I will be put onto something he called 'Boost' iirc. This is about 6 weeks after my first appointment. It consists of 4 different levels, gold, green, amber and red and which ever level you're at will decide how 'job ready' you are, ie if you're gold then you're ready to start a job, if red then you need a lot of help before being ready to get a job.

In short, it is very much like seeing your advisor at the job centre. You go in and spend a bit of time with them updating anything that needs doing, showing what jobs you've applied for, although I've only done that once, which was last week, whether he forgot to ask before then or not I'm not sure. I was asked to send in my c.v. and I've been asked to do a cover letter and a spec letter. My advisor has also checked available jobs for me too.

The two courses I did, the admin one and the customer service one I did because I saw the flyers, stuck on his cubicle wall, and volunteered to do them. The same with the pilates class, it was a flyer left, along with the newspapers, on a table where you wait for your advisor, and I asked to do it.

Hth, any more questions just ask, my takeaway has just arrived but I will be reading Alternatively, if you have my email addy, email me if you want.

De-lurking for a few seconds to share my ODE TO PLENTY OF FISH, which I expect most of you can relate to:

Plenty Of Fish
Is a petrie dish
Teeming with all kinds of scum
The bacteria there
Have no teeth or hair
And their faces resemble my bum

Can you tell that I'm not having a very happy time on there?

Sorry - back to lurking.

Just to clarify, it's a once a week appointment but mine was different because of holidays. As for work experience, I haven't had any yet.

As for idiot man how genuine did his apology seem?