real life challenges vs online misadventures, dating (and non-dating) thread 19

[hatesponge]

I have been to the pub. I'm not pissed but I am happy (well happier at least).

Conclusions reached this evening:

1. I am pretty bloody amazing, and any man I choose to date is very very lucky and should appreciate this fact!
2. Online dating is not for me. But I have learned from it that I shouldnt judge a book by it's cover and not to be so superficial
3. Man from the weekend DID like me, he is either still in love with his wife, or still hurt by her and lacking in confidence, there is NOTHING I did wrong, and he probably will be back at some point, but it will be too late because I will have MOVED ON :)
4. I am joining the gym and losing my remaining 3 stone.
5. I am going back to my old haunts in Essex this weekend because I have the best nights out there and feel at home. I intend to drink, dance, look fabulous and talk to anyone and everyone!

So that's my resolutions for the thread in essence, less moaning, more exercise, to have fun and be sociable to everyone, less aloof unavailable ice queen and more friendly and approachable.

does my bum look big in this?

right, lunchtime i'm going to have a think.

Your bum doesn't.....but the cushion does.

i may need the padding. :)

Snape I suppose it depends on how happy you are to continue just as you are doing. For the rest of your life. You also have to think about how you will feel if one day, while in the pool at the gym, PM casually admits that he has met someone and is smitten. That is going to hurt! He may then expect you to be his confident, you being 'good friends' and all. Could you cope with that?

The situation you are in hurts you now so talking to him can't be any worse. The worst that can happen is that you will feel rejected, but you shouldn't, because he does love you, just not how you would like him to. If he declares that he loves you too, then all is good

If the worst comes to the worst and he says he doesn't feel that way about you, then you have the choice to hang on in there and continue with the friendship, or distance yourself and make a life without him. Either way, you will be out of this limbo you are in. Because really, where you are now isn't emotionally healthy. And you are a wonderful woman who deserves a man to love you as much as you love PM.

time I couldn't agree more. And as for padding Thats what you girls are to me and the voices of reason.

Agree with time. An FWB situation only works when neither are attached. All that will happen down the line is heart ache. Tell him how you feel, if he isn't interested the hurt will be a lot less now than in the future.

Thank you time, yes, he's casually mentioned that he's met someone before. It was very strange, like everything going in slow motion and wanting to vomit. I was at work and escaped to the ladies for a bit. He'd told me by text (...) I could never work out if that was intentionally cruel or that he just didnt get it.

I'm absolutely aware that this isn't emotionally healthy - I just dont want to have that conversation. I'm going to prevaricate for a little while to see if the cosmic ordering makes good and I'm going to gold medal flirt for England in the meantime. I will not discuss internet dating with him and if he mentions it I will change the subject to fellatio

I'm working on my list and trying to analyse it - Not really for public consumption, I might discuss by PM ( time) if you'd be kind enough to further indulge me. it's all looking like tedious mixed signals from here, but I'm too far in to have a clear head.

Adding to the misery, the sodding quite hot TiVO guy let my cat out on saturday, I'm upset by that, so probably a big convo with PM about me, me, me and my, my, my feelings isnt a great idea just now [fragile]

FWB? I wish. At least I'd be getting my bumps felt. no, this is one of those annoying platonic unrequited bastardy bollocksy things. :)

Oooh yes the platonic male friend! Sorry! Fwithoutb then!

:) well there are benefits - for him; just not related to bodily fluids. :)

Have you tried getting him really drunk and strutting about naked? Tell him you are trying out being a nudist!

Seriously, I still agree you need to say something, before you end up really hurt

That's fine Snape, it would be a pleasure to help

I would say he informed you he met someone via text because he couldn't face telling you in person. If you didn't mean something to him, he would have just told you, he wouldn't have given a toss.

I know you know it's not emotionally healthy for you because we have discussed it before. All that worries me is you getting hurt. Him meeting someone and dropping you like a hot cake. I would hate for that to happen. I know it's all nice at the moment, it's bloody lovely and makes me smile every time you post, but you want more, and you are not going to know if he wants more, or if there is even a possibility of it becoming more than platonic unless you talk about it. But you already know that

Maybe it is tedious mixed signals, but maybe it isn't. I do wonder if you idolise PM and have him on a bit of a pedestal. If you are thinking he won't possibly be interested in you then you will be reading the signals all wrong. You might be missing what is staring you in the face. Laying on a sofa with your feet on a womans lap, while she rubs your legs, well that's a bit more than just friends, that's intimate, and he didn't object. And why is he trying to get you to sign up to Cupid? I can't help but wonder, especially now you have told us he is a romantic and a feminist, that he is waiting for you to bring up the subject. Maybe he too is scared of rejection, maybe he is thinking exactly the same way as you. But we won't find out until you talk to him.

If your list pays off and the Universe delivers, how will you feel? Will you be able to walk away without a backward glance? Will you feel ok about telling PM to his face that you have met someone? Could you live without him in your life?

You two have something special, there is no doubt about that. He is a big part of your life, your family, you are already in a relationship, you are two people ignoring the obvious because thinking about it, thinking about the changes it might bring, the losses, well, it's just too scary to face.

Strutting around naked? For someone to see me do that would be a miracle in itself. Though it would get some attention, probably the wrong sort though.

You know, as well as amateur dramatics I have always fancied going to a naturist beach

Full of men? Cos if so I will join you time

I'll get around to it Time Thank you - theres some personal stuff in there that is too personal for public consumption (you know I love all the rest of you guys as well, it's just i dont like them ((the other ones)))

I just put the text admission down to being insensitive and a bit emotionally dense. :) He recognised that it was 'too soon' for me to meet her, oh crap - just remembered that part of the reason that they broke up is that he wouldnt stop going on and on about me. His reasons for the relationship not working out do change every time he mentions it though. So I can convieniently pinch of salt that one. He did hot-cake me a bit when he was seeing her, but then I backed right off to try and give him the freedom to persue it IYSWIM.

No, he's not on a pedestal. he has plenty of faults! :) He can be horribly selfish (but I do tell him when he's doing it, i think thats kinda neat. ) He can be unreliable when he's feeling depressed, but thats the illness not him (makes excuses) he can be EXTREMELY AND INTOLERABLY INSENSITIVE (...) He walks funny...Not sure if I'm reading the signals wrong because I think he isn't intersted in me - he's told nme that he isn't interested in me, it's just that what he says and what he does are at odds with exch other sometimes.

aah, well you dont know what's on my cosmic list do you sweetie? ;-) Of course I couldn't walk away without a backwards glance. Anyone I meet will have him to contend with. This is probably why I dont really take it at all seriously, Like MLM I compare men unfavourably against him. (clearly catweazle the disappearer wasnt in with a fighting chance ..) I ask myself if I would rather be shagging some internet chap to within an inch of his life or sitting on the sofa with my head in PMs lap watching some stupid film...and i'd rather be shagging PM to within an inch of his life curl up on the sofa a bit drunk and play you and me against the world.

we have pet names for each other. I can see exactly what this looks like from the other side of the internet, I think it's just terribly complicated. sigh and it's wearing me out today.

me? naked? hah! I'm trying to entice the chap, not get him sectioned.

Ach my body is far from perfect after 4 kids but I don't care!

See, I'm not sure that you are best placed to judge the signals, you are a bit too close to the situation and having been rejected once you are bound to play them down. The fact he even mentioned that he was going on about you too much is good, I would ignore the others and keep a hold of that one

You have a very open and honest relationship with him, that is 'kinda neat', it's great! How long a go was it that he told you he wasn't interested? Things can change you know. Do you feel your relationship with him has changed since he told you that? Are you closer now than you were then?

I bet I do know what is on your cosmic order list, and I bet it isn't some random stranger

It's complicated because the boundaries are very blurred. You have a relationship with a man you love and adore, that is perfect but not sexual. You are getting some emotional fulfilment but you aren't getting as much as you would like. You are more than just friends but you aren't lovers. You are at stalemate. Nothing is going to change unless you make it change. But there is nothing wrong with things staying as they are if you are happy and know the risks, which you do. If you could talk to him and know that nothing would change if the answer wasn't what you wanted to hear, that you could continue with things just as they are, would you do so then? Or do you just not want to risk rejection?

And thinking about it will always wear you out, going round in circles usually does

I don't care either Fate, my body has done my proud and if other people don't like it, well that's their problem. I just love the freedom of not wearing clothes. It would have to be hot though, somewhere sunny

I forgot to say Snape, I am so sorry about your cat. I hope he returns home soon.

I could go off of you time you're FAR too perceptive for my your own good!

right I'll have a digest and a think. :)

I'd like to update the thread on my night of passion with mr nice guy (he needs a mumsnet name and I've no imagination!)

So, was due to spend the night at his house last night but during the day, noticed my period was trying to arrive for the 3rd time in the past week (slight spotting) - I said nothing and hoped it would bugger off again.

So he takes me out for a lovely meal and we go back to his house, watch a couple of films and then head to bed - I go to the toilet and guess what has arrived in full swing! the heaviest period known to womankind.

Didn't really know what to say so just got into bed. We start kissing - I had to tell him - he wasn't bothered - we had sex anyway.

Now - we ended up in a hell of a mess (as did the bed!) tmi we were both mucky by the end of it but rather than feel embarrassed by it like I normally would, I just found the whole thing hilarious, as did he. We both ended up laughing about it and just carrying on - finally retreating to the shower early hours of the morning.

It's really surreal that I covered a man's bed who I've known barely a month in menstrual 'fluids' and all I can do is laugh and think about what a great night we had.

We so 'click' - either that or we're both weird.

On another note - I put in a cosmic order yesterday for a bit of fun that he'd propose to me by the end of the year - last night he started talking about us living together in the future and saying he hates being apart from me. Would be bloody freaky if this 'order' was delivered given how unrealistic it seemed at the time!!

well it's not an 'open and honest' relationship, because I'm not being open and/or honest that I have to do my times tables in my head to stop myself throwing him up against a wall and interfering with him.

January 2011 was the last knock-back, yes, I'm seeing a lot more of him these days, the short-term realtionship with the gf has been in the middle of that. We are a lot closer.

How on earth did you know my cosmic ordering list included there actually being a TARDIS and a naked Matt Smith being inside it? you're a witch! BURN THE WITCH!

umm, dont know. I've had enough rejection to last several of my and quite a few others life times. I dont want even more rejection. This goes back to daddy-abandonment (cheers dad!) The ex pissing off with the flat chested bank clerk (cheers ex!) and various other shitty things. There isnt a guarentee that we would continue as we are if I open my big fat mouth, i risk losing what I have now, so I think I'll say sod all and ramp up the flirting.

Nikita thats lovely! your chap has his 'red wings'. :) really nice when people arent screamish about a perfectly natural bodily function does not include golden showers and/or scat in this analogy