Husband and teens?

[blackraven12]

Hi this is my first post on here although I do browse through often.

Just wanted some advice/opinions please. Sorry may be a bit long.

Bit of backstory first, about two years ago I found out that husband had searched for 'teen bodies' on a torrent site along with some other stuff (not porn related). He hadn't actually downloaded anything it had just appeared in the search box. Now I know a lot of porn with teen in the title are actually 18+ but can look 16 etc so presumed it was that. I was still a little shocked and when I asked him about it he denied it and said it must be a virus. He later admitted it was him.

Last Christmas we were shopping and as we were getting served I noticed him staring at the girl working on the next checkout about 17/18. After we left the shop I turned to speak to him and he was looking through the shop window at the girl as we walked to the car. I've noticed him doing this in a couple of shops girls being 17/18 or a bit older. Now I know its normal for a man to admire a pretty girl but with it just made me feel uneasy. He's 44 by the way.

Now the main reason why I posted. The other day he got some boxes of stuff from his mates house (lived there about 4 yrs ago) that he's going to sell on ebay. I was sorting through them when I found a black book (there were other paperbacks in there) I flicked through it to see what it was and he'd used it as a diary for 2004, so 8 years ago. It was mainly empty pages with a few entries and I know I shouldn't have (I wish I hadn't!) but I had a look.

Part of one entry was"Found out that sexy young(I'll use the name Sarah) is in fact only nearly 14! Why couldn't she have been 17 I could've coped with that." He was 36 at the time.

Another one couple months later " went up to friends, Sarah was looking as dangerous as ever. She really does not look 14. Its criminal. I'm no pervert but she's one cute ,sexy *"

Am I overeacting feeling shocked that even though he new she was 14 he still thought she was sexy??

I haven't said anything to husband. Should I? Should I forget about it?

Thank you to anyone who bothered to read it all!

"Anything with breasts" , nice. You must know some real charmers.
It beggars belief that there are women coming out with this rubbish.

Anyway...

Most of the time they will know but it is completely ridicuulous to think they always know.

In OPs husbands case he probably new but it isn't always the case. Not everything is always one way or always another.

sometimes it's six of one and half a dozen of the other, right ?

any more ridiculous platitudes in defence of men that see 14yo's as fair sexual game ?

After I split with my first DH (he was 36) he got his own flat and quickly started to date other women. He took our dd (then aged 4) for the weekend and when she returned home she told me daddy had a new girlfriend and she was cool because she liked Pokemon. I said that was probably because she had a little girl too who also like Pokemon. My dd said that wasn't the case because they had picked daddys new girlfriend up from school !!! I was livid and confronted him over it and guess what he said ?........ she looked 18! She had just had her 16th birthday. The good thing was that when the girls family found out her older brothers beat him up.
As far as I know he didn't see the girl again but did admit to having sex with her. Looking back he was always one of those creepy lecherous bastard types and the signs were there . He even tried it on with my best friend the day before our wedding. Made me feel sick at the time and still does.

floramckitchen That's awful! What a sick fuck!

He was a sick fuck - and that's really not the worst thing he did.

He did have that weird way with him that did sometimes make other women feel uncomfortable. Lecherous is a good word for it. After we split I did find out that he had been up to all sorts when he was meant to be on nights.

Apparently he tried it on with our childminder, babysitter, my friends, family members, his female work colleagues, schoolgirls etc etc.

I left him when started to find out what was going on. best thing I ever did.

Flora

How did you find out flora? Did the women and girls tell you?

No good, decent man would ever do that.

The writing it down is the creepiest part after the fact she was 13. I'm sorry but no 13 year old looks 18. Older? yes. Legal? No.

Writing it down sounds like he wanted to relive the fantasy of seeing her.

This behaviour is just..So wrong. I'd be very concerned he'll escalate TBH. Do your sons have girlfriends????

I'm 20, I remember having old men stare at me as a teenager. No, it wasn't every man. Yes, i was trying to look older and sexy. The ones who stared when I was done up were the same ones who stared in my school uniform, my street clothes etc.

I didn't stop being attractive because I looked my age. And I think it's the same for your husband. Checkout girls are hardly flashing cleavage and leg are they???

This makes me feel quite ill. :( I agree with the poster who told the story about the wife blaming the teenager who was attacked. You must take this very seriously.

Well he came home from work and we had a chat all calm and everything. I asked him to explain about the second diary entry, he said what he meant was that she was looking as dangerous as ever and did look (as in appear to people,not as his feelings towards her, cute and sexy) meaning someone could get into trouble (and I don't mean police etc) by trying to chat her up because she looked older than she was. I don't know if I've worded that correctly! Yes he said he'd used the wrong words and that he could understand how I interpreted it.

After reading some of the replies to my original post I can see how the written word can be misinterpreted. Some people have made him out to be a lecherous,dangerous predator waiting to pounce on the next teenager which is totally off the mark. Good god if he was anything like that he'd been long gone.

How the hell anyone (cant remember who it was) thought that he'd slept with a 13 year old from my OP I don't know!
This is why I've been reluctant to post about anything on here, all the assumptions, adding/twisting of words that goes on.

A diary with 2 entries about this girl became "a diary of hot young girls", even the phrase "found out" was turned into something sinister. I find things out everyday and its mostly by people volunteering information or stuff coming up in conversation.
To clear some stuff up he was visiting friends when he met this girl he didn't seek her out. He hasn't been going round asking teenagers their ages either.The TWO checkout girls he looked at(not loads!) were very pretty and would have been 17/18/19. The "teen porn" search as someone pointed out earlier it's not nice but is apparently a popular search.BTW he didn't actually download anything ( I know this because I searched the history at the time.
Yes we do have a happy marriage (sorry can't remember who asked) so I'm going to accept his explanation and move on.

That is your choice but personally I think you are burying your head in the sand. I could not, would not want to be with someone who thought like that but you have to do what you think is best and none of us can tell you otherwise really.

No I'm not burying my head in the sand I can assure you, but like you said that's your opinion. I know him you don't but thanks for reply anyway.

I think (and of course I may be totally wrong) that the explanation he gave you (in paragraph 1 of your 7:18 post) is complete bullshit. It sounds like something he racked his brain to come up with in the time between the two conversations. IMHO.

I agree that it sounds like he was desperately trying to find a way to word it so that it would sound more acceptable.

Im sorry, i also think you are minimizing. I realise you love him and you've mentioned your own insecurities and low confidence and i think that's the reason you are keen to think the best of him and this situation.

You are worth more then that, then being with a man who finds girls still going through puberty attractive, and a man who is attracted and stares at the local 6th formers (probably) on the checkout.

Looking at and searching for teen porn isn't normal and confirms that the staring wasn't accidental and the thing with the 13 year old wasn't innocent.

I agree that its annoying when posters twist what you have said and get the facts wrong, that doesn't mean you should dismiss everything that's been said. I get the impression that you're now thinking of this as you and him against the world (or mn!).

I also think whether he downloaded is irrelevant. If he had searched for indecent pictures of 5 year old girls but not downloading them would you be as keen to dismiss? Or would the fact he had searched for it be enough to convince you of his sexual preferences?

I don't think you can cope with the reality of the situation and are in denial. (Either consciously or subconsciously.)

:( You deserve better.

As usual, PooPoo speaks very wise words.

As usual, PooPoo speaks very wise words

If someone is determined to hide something about themselves then they will. TBH I think his explanation about the diary sounds like a load of waffle and he is probably in a panic that you are getting close to the truth about this aspect of his personality. Don't ignore it and move on because your not going to be able to ever get it out of your mind and it will eat away at you.

Have a good think about it because I have a bad feeling about this.

Your husband fancies young teenage girls. They turn him on sexually. You can not know someone age just by looking at them. The internet porn he is watching could be of a 12yo or a 14yo or a 19yo.

If you are ok with that, good for you :(

I don't think you can be sure he is not going to act on his preferences and I think it is telling that in an earlier post you said when you discovered the internet search and were upset he reassured you he still found you attractive even though you are two years older.

This to me says your feeling of upset was more about feeling threatened by a younger women rather than feeling sickened by a middle aged man being attracted to a much younger age group.

What can be seen is this man is actually escalating his interest. He has gone from having it in his head,to writing it down, to seeking porn (if he has done a general search some of it will be illegal child porn), to openly staring. That is a progression of an interest and you absolutely cannot be sure he will not at some point seek some physical contact or look at something illegal or other seriously inappropriate behaviour.

What is wrong about it to me is not that the girls may be underage but that he is so much older. That he is attracted sexually to that age group consistently. This is not about finding "very pretty" teenagers attractive enough to stare it is about seeking out teenagers to feel sexual about to me. As a 25, 30, 36, 44 year old man this is unacceptable and abusive to me, the balance of power is very unequal it is hard to see how this can be about anything other than abuse.

This is unrelated to your sexual relationship with him, it does not threaten it because actually I think all the indicators are there that what he wants to do is abuse young girls.

There is no such thing as "using the wrong words" in your private diary. He is an adult he has demonstrated he knows it is wrong and he has no feelings of shame about it, he has continued to escalate the interest, he and you have excused it and plan to continue as though it is normal.

That is my thoughts anyway, don't even get me started on the "men will be men" crap. Normal healthy people who want healthy sexual relationships are not attracted sexually to people a huge amount younger than them or in a much different life stage. 13 year old boys stare at 13 year old girls' tits not 36 year old men. My husband gets ripped about being a cradle snatcher for marrying me and I'm 7 years younger than him and we met when I was 23 and had 2 children, if I had discovered he had ever had a sexual feeling strong enough to write down in his diary about a 13 year old I would never be with him again nevermind searching for underage porn (porn is only legal over 18), there is some made to look younger but a lot is illegal.

Seeking out teenage girls to satisfy a sexual urge is not at all the same kind of thing as happening to meet a particular girl who looks and acts older. Although I am sceptical that in middle age this would ever be ok, I can see that in your early twenties this may happen sometimes and depending on the age of the teenager - under 16 absolutely wrong, 16 still dodgy, 17 not so bad, 18 okish, 19 better, it might not be absolute crime of the century... but either way what is being discussed here is nothing like that kind of situation, it is a completely different and very wrong thing.

I think it is telling that in an earlier post you said when you discovered the internet search and were upset he reassured you he still found you attractive even though you are two years older. This to me says your feeling of upset was more about feeling threatened by a younger women rather than feeling sickened by a middle aged man being attracted to a much younger age group.

Indeed. I think i said similar in an earlier post but it was ignored.

Its like the problem for you is that you feel you have got to compete with these young girls, rather than the fact that he's interested in such young girls is inappropriate and so HE is not good enough for YOU!

You've (influenced by your low self esteem) got it all arse-about-tit.