DH lashed out Saturday night. I think there's no going back?

[AlwaysThinking]

I started a thread a couple of weeks ago. Things haven't been great since I told DH I wasn't happy with things between us a couple of months ago. I've tried really hard to keep going, we agreed we would try to make things work, but I know I have been a bit distant no matter how hard I try.

Anyway, we had a bit of a party for a family members birthday Saturday, all had a great night, probably a bit too much to drink but not crazy drunk. We went to bed and DD came in and got in bed with us. DH suddenly lost it. He just lost it completely over nothing and started shouting and swearing at me, DD woke up but he wouldn't stop and lie down. He got really aggressive and pushed me really hard back down and hit my mouth with the heel of his hand. My lip cut open. It was horrible and went on for ages. DD was crying. Eventually he laid down and went to sleep.

I still can't believe it happened. I know he should just leave but it is so complicated and now it seems almost unreal. He's really sorry and is arranging anger management etc etc. I just feel like I don't want to be near him, he's being so nice and sorry and promising it won't ever happen again. I'm torn between believing he's sincere and not believing a word that comes out his mouth. I'm so angry it happened in front of DD I can't even begin to explain how much I hate him for that. But everyone thinks he's great and I can't believe I have to tear up my dc happy little lives by making him leave. I don't know how to make myself strong enough to do what I need to do.

Anger management my fat arse.

That's just a get out of jail free card for abusers.

"Everyone" is wrong, he's not great.

He's violent and dangerous and he has abused your daughter as well as you.

He needs to go.

Sorry doesn't cut it when you attack your wife in front of your daughter.

If his remorse was genuine he would be out of the house now that he knows none of you are safe with him around.

What she said. No going back on this one.

He is terrified of losing us all and says the only thing he can think of as to why he did it was because he had been so on edge for weeks. But that doesn't make any sense because he's done the one think guaranteed to push me away. And yet now I feel awful for trying to tell him to leave. I told him I need space, he's taken time off work to be here more. He says he thinks if he leaves for a few days to give me space he's giving up on his marriage.

Blah, blah, sorry, blah, blah, excuses, blah, blah giving up on the marriage.

He has to go and you know it.

I do know it. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard. Every time I tell him I don't want to work on it, or go to marriage counselling or give him one last chance, he makes me feel so guilty I end up caving. Or I think actually putting the dc through him leaving and its heartbreaking, he's really good with them and they adore him. And to be honest he just wouldn't be adult about it and its going to be such hard work.

at the very least, he should leave for a couple of months until he has DONE his anger management and is a little more self aware. He can still visit, but you need to be safe and not worry that he is going to explode over nothing again.

He will tell you he will change. He will blame external things that made him snap. This "external locus of control" needs therapy to overcome - because at the moment he is playing lip service to taking responsibility - actually he's blaming you for being distant and him feeling on edge. SO its actually partly your own fault......and you are falling for it. Before you know it, its a broken nose because you didn't iron his shirt the right way, or a split lip because you were having too good a time at the pub.

Let him prove to you that he can change by moving out and seeking therapy. It may also help resolve your matital issues. But it will also send him a clear message that you wont accept that ever again.

He is NOT really good with them.

He assaulted you while she was in the bed FFS. Hardly Daddy of the year.

I was your DD, get some nuts and get him out. No child should have to live like that. I did and the repercussions are not pretty.

He does not adore them. He wouldn't attack their mother Infront of the, otherwise. That's fact.

However, your reluctance is understandable, not justifiable. Understandable. Your world has been turned upside down. Your life isn't your life. It takes many, many incidents of abuse usually. To see the light, to get the courage to leave. Not many do it off the bat.

You'll have people talking to you out of frustration I imagine, ones who've been there, ones who saw what the kids go through. So I don't think you'll have any posts encouraging you to stay as it stands.

I really however really think other posters should control their temper. It's a hard subject. Bit screaming and swearing at her will not help. What is it 20+ incidents before someone leaves?

Screaming it her and telling her how she is failing her children, will most likely scare her off from posting.

HOP, it's the truth.

Whether it is or not Katie. Op has been attacked Infront of her children. She's hopefully taking the first tentative step to help by posting here. Most than a lot of women do sadly.

Why scare her off by shouting and screaming with caps expletives. Telling her to get nuts! If not she's basically a failing parent. I don't see how that's going to help or encourage op to post and ask for help.

Gently gently. She does not need people on here screaming at her as well.

To be honest its not the first time he has been aggressive. It is the first time he has actually hit me but he's pushed me and grabbed me to hard. I don't know whats the matter with me. I would tell anyone in my position to leave. I would tell them the kids will be better for it in the end. I know I'm weak and I know I will regret it if I don't. I just don't know how to change. I've got a counselling session tomorrow maybe that will help. He thinks I need help for my 'issues.' Even though I know they are his issues it still makes me wonder if actually I do have issues. I'm totally ridiculous.

Thank you for being kind HOP. I do know Katie that what you are saying is true. I don't want to same for my DDs

You aren't rediculous. You've been conditioned to think like this. As ever he has always been abusive. He's now escalated. You know this.

The only answer is to get him out, you know this. So speak to your counsellor tomorrow.

So not only did he attack you, but he's now refusing to give you any space. He sounds awful OP.

He thinks YOU need help? Fucking hell, some people are just unbelievable.

I know it's not easy to leave, but I really hope you are able to.

Your only issue is him, Always. Your counsellor should be able to help.

Have you looked into the usual stuff WA, Solicitors, etc?

He is dangerous.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

He attacked you and now thinks you have issues?!

You have one issue - that you are married to a violent abuser.

Terrified of losing you = furious at the thought of losing his control if you.

It's when women try to leave that they are most vulnerable.

He's escalating already.

For your own safety and the wellbeing of your children, he needs to go.

Part of me thinks it's probably only been 10 incidents this extreme in the whole time we've been together. The other part thinks what the hell are you talking about it shouldn't have been one. BUT I didn't walk after the first time and now there is two dc involved. WHY WHY WHY didn't I leave after the first time. But I can't regret that either because then I wouldn't have my beautiful dc. Confusing.

10 incidents is a LOT OP.

Try not to worry too much about the past, you can't change that. You can change what's happening now though.

I know. The thing is, I've always covered for him. I don't want people (my family etc) to think bad of him because he's the father of my dc and I still don't but then no one is going to understand why he has to just leave. My mum thinks we should do marriage counselling. I don't want people to know, I would feel awful for, is that crazy?

Anger management? Where will he get that? He was violent and had been drinking. They won't accept him on a course anyway

I would feel awful for him, that was meant to say.

He's escalating because you've told him you're unhappy with the way things are. He's trying to regain his control over you. It's very worrying that he assaulted you in front of DD and it is child abuse. He is not a good father at all, he is an abusive one. Your dc may appear to be very close to him but that may due to their insecurity around him. As the non abusive parent the responsibility is on you to protect your dc. Can you get some r/l support with this - your health visitor might be a good person to speak to.

If you decide you do want him out of the house then you've got grounds for an occupation order - you would have to move quickly though as you need to apply for one within a week of an assault.

Why?

Do you think so Olympia? He's going to the GP on Thursday as a starting point. To be honest he lies A LOT. About totally pointless stuff mostly, so I don't know if I'd even believe what he tells me the doctor says anyway.