DH lashed out Saturday night. I think there's no going back?

[AlwaysThinking]

I started a thread a couple of weeks ago. Things haven't been great since I told DH I wasn't happy with things between us a couple of months ago. I've tried really hard to keep going, we agreed we would try to make things work, but I know I have been a bit distant no matter how hard I try.

Anyway, we had a bit of a party for a family members birthday Saturday, all had a great night, probably a bit too much to drink but not crazy drunk. We went to bed and DD came in and got in bed with us. DH suddenly lost it. He just lost it completely over nothing and started shouting and swearing at me, DD woke up but he wouldn't stop and lie down. He got really aggressive and pushed me really hard back down and hit my mouth with the heel of his hand. My lip cut open. It was horrible and went on for ages. DD was crying. Eventually he laid down and went to sleep.

I still can't believe it happened. I know he should just leave but it is so complicated and now it seems almost unreal. He's really sorry and is arranging anger management etc etc. I just feel like I don't want to be near him, he's being so nice and sorry and promising it won't ever happen again. I'm torn between believing he's sincere and not believing a word that comes out his mouth. I'm so angry it happened in front of DD I can't even begin to explain how much I hate him for that. But everyone thinks he's great and I can't believe I have to tear up my dc happy little lives by making him leave. I don't know how to make myself strong enough to do what I need to do.

Look if he's going to do the anger management thing, the best thing would be for him to not be around you while he does the course. He can concentrate on his anger, you can focus on you THEN you decide if you're taking him back.

I don't have high hopes to be honest, but it's a starting point.

Why would I feel awful for him? Because I would hate to think I had caused people to have a bad opinion of him (I know I know) I don't want to ruin his life. I'd feel sorry for him. I've read all the stuff about abusive relationships but it just seems absurd. I know it's normal to say 'he's just not like that' but he's really not. I honestly don't think any of it is calculated, he's just really child like, almost like he hasn't grown up emotionally.

Ten incidents is a really shocking number OP. He is in no way a good dad. He attacked you in front of your child. Did you know that is classed as child abuse? Witnessing violence has a measurable negative impact on a child's development. He is an abusive dad and an abusive partner. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please don't ignore it.

OP, he's ruined his life not you.

He is like that. He has done it 10 times.

Calculated or not, the effect is the same.

Your child is going to grow up feeling really shit about this if you don't do something.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

He caused that all by himself Always

Please don't absolve him from that responsibility.

10 times? Now in front of your daughter, in bed?

Woman, for fucks sake, you're in a seriously dangerous and abusive relationship.

He will never get any better, this is not something you have any control over. He does this because HE WANTS TO, and moreover, because he CAN.

The ONLY sliver of a chance you have of getting through to him is to boot him out, so he sees what he's losing.

Giving him housespace is enabling him.

May he'll hit DD next. When she starts to have an opinion.

Would you rather be beaten black & Blue and the lie to everyone else then admit you h is a wife beater.

I wouldn't mind better that the people closest to you already know what he doing but don't know how to ask you.

What about your DD are your going to make her lie to.

It really does sound worse than it is. But I do know either way it is unacceptable. I don't even want to be here. I am just being weak. I'm quite looking forward to talking to someone tomorrow, she seems really nice. Maybe I will try and explain things properly to my mum.

"I honestly don't think any of it is calculated, he's just really child like, almost like he hasn't grown up emotionally."

They're all "child like", in that they have poor impulse control, feel terribly hard done by if anyone checks their poor behaviour, and think nothing is really their fault.

They're like spoilt, unpleasant, badly raised children.

Except there is no chance they'll grow out of it.

Stop kidding yourself he is different, or this is unusual.

It's textbook.

Instead of protecting the reputation of a violent abuser because he seems childlike, maybe you should concentrate on protecting the wellbeing of the actual children being harmed here.

I don't know how someone who is supposed to love you splitting your lip in front of your daughter in your own home can sound better/worse than it is. It is pretty much the lowest thing a person can do.

Oh god I know you're right I really do. I am going to do it. I'm going to tell him I want him to leave. I'm going to talk to my mum first and tell her the situation just incase I need her. I know once I tell her there's no going back. She'll be great. The thought of making it all real is almost too scary though.

Try not to think about it in absolute terms like "no going back" it'll just make it seem scarier and more dramatic.

Just tell your mum, that's the first step.

Ring Women's Aid as well as your Mum.

They will have good advice.

Ok, I'm going to stop thinking about it. I'm going to go to bed tonight like normal. I'm going to go to my counselling tomorrow. I'm going to tell my mum. I'm going to do just that and try not to think of the big picture. Is that ok do you think?

Phone WA too.

I don't mean to sound pathetic.

Always It is ok to take small steps as long as they are in the right direction and you get the right company.
It is good to tell your mum BUT if she says 'put up and shut up' _DO NOT LISTEN-. Find someone who understands, or keep posting here.

Everyone thinks I'm strong and organised and sensible, it's just not really true is it?

I don't think she will, I think she'll go apeshit. She could surprise me though.

Apeshit would be good

I think that sounds like a very good idea, Always - one step at a time.

And for what it's worth, life with this man has totally recalibrated your idea of 'normal' so that it's WAY, way off.

It's not normal or right for a partner to push you.
It's not normal or right for a partner to grab you.
It's not normal or right for a partner to scream at you.
It's not normal or right for a partner to hit you in any way.
It's not normal or right for a partner to do any of these things to you in front of your DC.

None of these things are okay. None. Zero. And none of these things are things that good men, loving men, supportive men, caring men - do to their partners.

Have you ever heard of the "boiling a frog'' metaphor? I don't think it's scientifically accurate but it's useful, and it goes like this:

If you drop a frog into a pan of boiling water, reflexes kick in and they jump right out again.

But if you put a frog in a pan of cool water and heat it slowly, one degree at a time, they tolerate the increasing heat until they've boiled to death.

He has turned up the heat so much that he's made you accustomed to it. He's treated you (and your children, by extension) so badly that you think hey, it's only a push. Only a shout. Only a yell. Only a hit-with-the-heel-of-his-hand, it's not like he broke my nose or anything... I'm sure you didn't think, on your first or second date with this man, "oh, I think I'll stay with him unless he breaks my bones." I'm sure you thought you'd have a happy, normal life together. But you don't - this isn't normal. It's not what 'all marriages are like when they go through a rough patch. Actually, the water is almost at boiling point.

Well done on telling a counselor, well done on telling your Mum. These are important steps - but they may not be able to swoop in and rescue you. You may need to move out, or get him to move out - all by yourself. It's worth doing, because your DD shouldn't ever witness what she's already seen.

Take care of yourself.

I know I'm going to have to make him leave but just need a little bit of rl support first I think.

Also, blackcurrants, I KNOW what you say must be true but I still deep down don't truly believe that every relationship doesn't go through something like this one time or other. I look at couples and think, I wonder if they are really that happy or if he's like my DH sometimes when no ones around. Maybe not all the time but sometimes?

Blackcurrants is so right always. Really.

You are NOT weak! It's nothing to do with weakness. You have gone into survival mode and for many that means shutting down and being unable to even contemplate massive change.

I was like this, my ex H was horrific, worse than many stories I read on here, he wouldn't leave and I was completely terrified of what he might be capable of. I realise now I was not thinking straight and I had built him up in my mind as something that was just too much to tackle. I tell you what though, the day he finally kicked off and attacked me the police removed him instantly and I saw that he could be dealt with effectively. If he touches you again call the police immediately, they will remove him and things will start to get better.

I'm not saying its easy, it's not it's shit and horrible while it's happening but I can be done. If I can do it anyone can.

I feel for you totally OP.
This thing about feeling bad for him, I too experienced to a stupid degree. In hindsight I can see that I was so conditioned over the many years together to be putting him first that I lived my life based on what he would think. I got to the point where what I wanted wasn't even a consideration. I guess this is the definition of 'walking on eggshells'

We don't think for a minute what the consequences are for us in anything, we are literally last on the list. It goes:

1. How will he react if I do x?
2. How will the DC react if I do x?

And then as an afterthought, 3. How will I feel if I do x? And the last one is generally only in context as to how he will react to x. So long as he is appeased, I am ok

We know, as you have already posted, them so well, we learn to guess how they will react. Because we have to. We learn that we need to always think of them first, because otherwise there will be Trouble (capital T).

That's my take on why you feel bad for him, and you feel reluctant. It's Walking on Eggshells.......... You know what is coming.

My only wish is that you can know what he is going to do, i.e. be horrendous, but still do the thing you need to do, i.e. leave. Women's Aid will help you.