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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH lashed out Saturday night. I think there's no going back?

141 replies

AlwaysThinking · 07/08/2012 18:27

I started a thread a couple of weeks ago. Things haven't been great since I told DH I wasn't happy with things between us a couple of months ago. I've tried really hard to keep going, we agreed we would try to make things work, but I know I have been a bit distant no matter how hard I try.

Anyway, we had a bit of a party for a family members birthday Saturday, all had a great night, probably a bit too much to drink but not crazy drunk. We went to bed and DD came in and got in bed with us. DH suddenly lost it. He just lost it completely over nothing and started shouting and swearing at me, DD woke up but he wouldn't stop and lie down. He got really aggressive and pushed me really hard back down and hit my mouth with the heel of his hand. My lip cut open. It was horrible and went on for ages. DD was crying. Eventually he laid down and went to sleep.

I still can't believe it happened. I know he should just leave but it is so complicated and now it seems almost unreal. He's really sorry and is arranging anger management etc etc. I just feel like I don't want to be near him, he's being so nice and sorry and promising it won't ever happen again. I'm torn between believing he's sincere and not believing a word that comes out his mouth. I'm so angry it happened in front of DD I can't even begin to explain how much I hate him for that. But everyone thinks he's great and I can't believe I have to tear up my dc happy little lives by making him leave. I don't know how to make myself strong enough to do what I need to do.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 07/08/2012 22:36

well i think you are , because now you have your eyes open and you know...you can never be the same, and he will sense it.

You are brave enough. you have just posted on a forum about the most private thing in your life and let people talk to you about it.

I know you have the strength to do the right thing. Put your emotions for him to one side, you can think about him another day. Today you need to think about you and your DCs.

foolonthehill · 07/08/2012 22:39

(PS mine did stress management, anger management, individual counselling and is now on an abusers course...it made no difference he is still the same and he feels "humiliated" that he has jumped through all these hoops "for me")

OxfordBags · 07/08/2012 23:06

Seriously, every relationship does NOT go through things like this. Not even sometimes or once. Your reality has become one of abuse, being controlled, feelong worthless and walking on eggshells and, sorry for this, deluding yourself about him and how this is affecting your DC. I don't know how him assaulting you right next to your child can not be as bad as it appears. In fact, I don't think any of us could imagine the horror for that child, unless they, sadly, experienced similar as a child.

It's great your mum will be so supportive. She does not want this life for her child - so please stop this being the life your Dc have to have.

AuntPepita · 07/08/2012 23:23

but I still deep down don't truly believe that every relationship doesn't go through something like this one time or other

No, no, no, no. Never, ever, ever. This does not happen in every relationship.

Cloudbase · 07/08/2012 23:36

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry, I've been where you are. Twice.

The first time was when I was a teenager, and the second time when I was married. My ex becoming abusive around the children was the impetus I needed to get rid of him.

Can you get yourself a copy of this excellent book by Lundy Bancroft and give it a read? It might start to make sense of some of what you are going through and you will recognise your DH in it's pages and I think it might help you get some clarity.

I'm so sorry, but this is who your DH really is. It's not good enough for you or your children to live with someone who is lovely 'most' of the time. Because that's how we justify it.

It's easy to overlook the horror because they are lovely 'most' of the time. It's hard to quantify someone being so abusive when you know they can also be so very lovely and kind and funny and you've had so many amazing times with them.

It's how they operate. If they didn't spend at least some of the time being 'lovely', no woman would ever stay with them. It's the payoff. They have to be nice to reel you in and then they are nice again (and again, and again) to keep you there.

And in between all the 'nice' stuff is the creeping, insidious abuse.
It starts off as occasional anger, the odd cruel word, and gradually grows and grows until it becomes your version of normal.

Except it's not. Ever.

I know how hard this is, I've been through it. But please don't let yourself forget how horrified and scared and shocked and afraid you felt the other night when he attacked you. That's the reality.

I imagine you feel as though you've fallen into some horrible alternate reality and you are waiting to wake up. Feeling that this can't be your life. But you have such an amazing future ahead of you for yourself and your kids - please give yourself a chance to feel free again and feel like you again.

I'm off to bed soon but PM me tomorrow if you want to?

itsnotjustaslap · 08/08/2012 00:41

So sorry Always. As many other posters have commented he is unlikely to change. Men who are abusive or controlling tend to behave in very similar ways, because the types of men who give themselves permission to physically or mentally abuse their partners, tend to be types of men who see their partners and children as objects to be controlled.

They are generally selfish, often lazy in terms of housework /childcare etc, and have a massive sense of entitlement; and very rigid, fixed views on gender roles etc that cannot be changed. They also often have very poor concepts of other people's personal boundaries - e.g. by continuing talking on topics that distress you even when requested to stop etc, yet will react with outraged dignity when their boundaries are encroached.

You say your husband is 'emotionally childlike', but you can't help him grow up or learn to respect boundaries. The reason why abusers are abusive is that it works for them - that's all; and they get status, power, control, and everything their own way - and very hard to give up if you have been accustomed to this since childhood.

I would recommend you to get out; however as someone who has been in your shoes, I know that it is very important to feel as though you retain some control over your own destiny.

There are perpetrator courses out there which he can voluntarily refer himself, however please do not let him fob you off with 'anger management' courses / therapy - this is not an anger management issue - it is of abuse and control. Any perpetrator programme however tends to have really low success rates because even when partners take an abuser back, the abuse tends to creep right back in.

As you know, what he has done to you is an arrestable offence which you could choose to report him for. If you do not wish to do this at this time, I would second the advise about talking to your health visitor / GP so at least the abuse has been officially logged for both you and your DD's protection.

I would recommend that your H leaves your property; however if he refuses or you don't feel that you can make him leave, you will need to think about safety plans for yourself and DD. Please talk to your friends in rl. Find key documents such as mortgage, bills, passports, birth certificates etc and give them to a trusted friend or family member, along with any sentimental items. If you have very trusted neighbours, you could talk to them, agree a code word that you could shout so that they could call the police.

However, please keep yourself and your daughter safe, and if you feel in danger call 999 and just get out of the house - items can be replaced but people can't.

From now on, your h is not your friend. Anyone that hurts you cannot be a friend Sad

NoWayNoHow · 08/08/2012 00:52

"10 times in 8 years isn't a lot" Sad Sad Sad

That broke my heart, OP.

I've been with my DH for 8 years and he's never pushed me, grabbed me, threatened me or assaulted me. Not once.

One time is one time too many. Sad

NunTheWiser · 08/08/2012 01:09

Real men, the overwhelming majority of men, do not push, shove, hit, grab, verbally abuse or belittle their partners. They don't use threats of suicide or self-harm to control their partners. They don't blame their partners for their own issues or lack of control. They would not dream of behaving aggressively in front of their children.
I've been with my DH for 16 years and he has never done any of the things your DH has normalised for you.
Your DH is an abuser and his abuse is escalating.

BonkeyHasGOLDMollocks · 08/08/2012 01:31

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you and I really hope you manage to get sorted.

Do it for yourself and your dd!.

I saw my sd hit my mum on a few occasions. I won't ever forget it.
Please , please don't risk it ever happening again.

You can do it! :)

foolonthehill · 08/08/2012 10:41

we're still here if you need us op.

but hoping that you have got him out and are reaching out to RL help

peeriebear · 08/08/2012 10:53

I have been with DH for 8 years too OP. He has NEVER made me afraid of him, not once. Not threatening, not aggressive, not emotionally blackmailing, not physically abusive. IT IS NOT THE NORM and I really hope you can see this through. Imagine yourself in a year's time with a happy quiet home, happy DCs, and no eggshells all over the floor to walk on. Good luck. xx

Selks · 08/08/2012 11:14

OP, read -
This
And this

If you stay the violence will increase. It will cause life long emotional damage to your daughter. You need to take action for her sake, and for your own. Stop minimising the problem in your mind and stop focusing your attention on how your DH might feel. Put your daughters and your needs first. Be strong. Best wishes.

captainmummy · 08/08/2012 12:24

OP - I know you say that your DD 'adores' daddy, but as you know and have read (and another poster said upthread) you spend all your time trying to appease an abuser, constantly being what he wants you to be, doing what you think he wants you to do. Only you know whether your dd runs to him, sits on his lap etc because she loves him, - or becuase she already knows what his mood will be like if she doesn't give him the impression that she adores him.

Either way,she will have beeen terrified by what happened the other night.

Offred · 08/08/2012 18:14

I think a lot of people are missing the point about dcs growing up with abuse. All children love their parents. Dcs that grow up with abuse often are acclimatised to it. They don't necessarily show fear of the abuser, often they do actually imitate the victim's behaviour in apologising and accommodating the abuse. To me it is more worrying if a child, like an adult does not show a normal healthy reaction (upset and fear) to living in a house with an abuser who is actively abusing. Just like with the abused adult it shows they have learned to see abuse as normal which to me is far far worse than being upset and stressed out by it.

AlwaysThinking · 08/08/2012 18:54

Hello again and thank you all for taking the time to reply. I have read them over and over. I did tell my Mum this morning, she was great, she agrees there is no going back. I also spoke to a friends mum who we get on well with, she suggested marriage counselling. Counselling was ok but kind of reminded me of all the reasons why I haven't left before.

My mum was going to take the kids out tomorrow so I can get him to leave but I'm losing my resolve rapidly as it gets closer to reality. I don't feel angry anymore. Just sad. Sad

OP posts:
bleedingheart · 08/08/2012 19:14

Marriage counselling isn't recommended for a couple where one of them is an abuser.

I would strongly recommend you are not on your own when you tell him to leave. Do you get on with his parents? Will he go to them?

I hope he goes without argument. I'm hoping things work out for you and your DC.

Again, 8 times in 10 years or 10 times in 8 years isn't normal. Honestly. People argue, they fall out, they might sleep in separate beds and brood but most people do not push, hit or assault their 'loved ones.'

AlwaysThinking · 08/08/2012 19:20

I have been convinced I don't want to be anywhere near him up until tonight. Now I just keep thinking, once I do it that's it, I've lost all the good bits too. What if I regret it? What if the dc end up hating me for it? I know its not likely but it could actually happen.

OP posts:
bleedingheart · 08/08/2012 19:27

Your children won't hate you for leaving a man who beats you in front of them, if your dad split your mum's lip and made her hide her true interests/desires/opinions for fear of upsetting him, would you have wanted her to stay with him?

You are leaving him because of his unacceptable and abusive behaviour. Don't let inertia leave you waiting another 8 years to get out.

I'm sorry to sound patronising but I think you know what you need to do and you are having doubts like most people would. As outsiders, we have the clarity to see it's wrong.

AlwaysThinking · 08/08/2012 19:41

I do know. Life just seems so normal tonight. It's scary to think I'm going to change all that.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 08/08/2012 19:42

Does he lose his temper and become violent at work? I'm guessing not. If he can control it there, he can control it at home but chooses not to. He chose to be violent towards you IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD.

I'm sorry to shout. Please, please, please believe this will not stop. It will escalate. It already is.

My dad used to beat my mother. Every time he swore he'd never do it again. He always did. It was only when he threatened to cover her with petrol and set fire to her that she finally left. After 30 years of it. Because she knew he'd probably do it.

yellowraincoat · 08/08/2012 19:43

You're not the one changing it though. He changed it when he hit you in front of your child.

futuredream · 08/08/2012 19:43

Very soirry to hear that , Upwrd - it must have been pretty hard to decide to go atm . Sorry if someone didn't understand , or there were other stressful aspects to the session < HF brings cybergarden medal and fuschia >

Wow Nilgiri , you richly deserve a fortnight of Olympic highlights after yet more people traipsing through house - hopefully with very positive results

Had good afternoon with cleaning , thank you - had far more spoons than usual - think it's my DM who always sends good vibes near inspection timeGrin

Upward, I've found my concentration slipping a lot during tennis & Olympics this year - hope you're not having too much trouble watching
.

Many thanks all for wishes for spoons & clear skies so can go on guided Smile
< ndt gazes dubiously at clouds from high wall >

Selks · 08/08/2012 20:08

You know, this is far more serious in terms of your child than you realise. As well as the risk of DD being emotionally damaged......Social Services often become involved with families where there is domestic violence / abuse going on and the woman continues to stay and expose the children to it. Sometimes children end up on child protection plans and eventually are removed. I'm not saying this will happen to you but it could if you stay and the violence continues.

AThingInYourLife · 08/08/2012 20:19

Life is normal tonight.

Your normal is a abusive relationship with a violent man.

Your children's normal is an abusive home with a violent father who beats their mother.

The calm after the storm is part of the abuse.

Your mother knows now. Telling her was brave.

What does she think about her daughter and grandchildren having this kind of life?

futuredream · 08/08/2012 20:39

Oh no , very sorry OP for posting in wrong thread... wishing you strength & agree with AThingInYourLife that "the calm after the storm is part of the abuse "

Your fears that dc might possibly end up hating you Sad... I adored my dad as your dd does hers , bu his behaving like your DH has affected me permanently & my DM 's mental health and subsequent relationships have been catastrophically affected by having stayed . I think your dc will understand why you left , and even if they don't , you will have saved them from severe consequences .

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