DH lashed out Saturday night. I think there's no going back?

[AlwaysThinking]

I started a thread a couple of weeks ago. Things haven't been great since I told DH I wasn't happy with things between us a couple of months ago. I've tried really hard to keep going, we agreed we would try to make things work, but I know I have been a bit distant no matter how hard I try.

Anyway, we had a bit of a party for a family members birthday Saturday, all had a great night, probably a bit too much to drink but not crazy drunk. We went to bed and DD came in and got in bed with us. DH suddenly lost it. He just lost it completely over nothing and started shouting and swearing at me, DD woke up but he wouldn't stop and lie down. He got really aggressive and pushed me really hard back down and hit my mouth with the heel of his hand. My lip cut open. It was horrible and went on for ages. DD was crying. Eventually he laid down and went to sleep.

I still can't believe it happened. I know he should just leave but it is so complicated and now it seems almost unreal. He's really sorry and is arranging anger management etc etc. I just feel like I don't want to be near him, he's being so nice and sorry and promising it won't ever happen again. I'm torn between believing he's sincere and not believing a word that comes out his mouth. I'm so angry it happened in front of DD I can't even begin to explain how much I hate him for that. But everyone thinks he's great and I can't believe I have to tear up my dc happy little lives by making him leave. I don't know how to make myself strong enough to do what I need to do.

Oh it's hard isn't it OP? I too wrote a post like yours & I was terrified by alot of the posts I got back - I think people forget that you can skip out on the process of realisation & leaving, the person has to go through it to get to the other side. In retrospect I can see how people can get so strong opinions, but I had normalised it all do it felt a v scary over reaction at first.

I am glad there are lots of gentler posts too & you haven't run away from the thread as I did the first time I posted! I posted again though & the lovely mumsnetters helped me more than probably they know. i am going to share how I felt as I made up my mind to end the relationship, cos maybe you might be feeling similar.

I think the other reason i felt shocked by the kinds of things people said as it didn't FEEL like me or my h. Like, the way people sound about the h being so purposeful & predatory... That didn't fit with the way I saw my dh, who I thought 'couldn't help it', & didn't mean to & was vulnerable & needed looking after in a way. It took me a long time to see that a person, an abuser, can be all those thing simultaneously, & start relating to the idea that I was living with an abusive man & I needed to get away. Just because you ve ended up in the role of excuser & making special exceptions, it sort of tricks you into thinking that it's all normal somehow. It's like a magic trick... Your perception is being tricked due to the position u find yourself in - Makes it hard to see how bad things have got til u can move away, unfilter your perception. (yes def the frog thing but said less clearly!).

The hardest thing for me was that I had lived through the lens of his reality/ perceptions for so long I couldn't stay seeing clearly when I talked to him. I ended up being calm yet unmoving, not engaging as I would get pulled back in.

I was also terrified that I was doing the wrong thing by walking away, & that I wouldn't be able to cope, & I'd be so so lonely. BUT when he finally moved out, I Kind of grew as a person, & filled my house again... Like I'd been tightly curled up inside & there had been no room for me inside myself or in my life... And I hadnt realised til he went & I expanded out & unfurled myself again. Its been hard definitely, but I never wanted to go back to the way I'd been living before, & I've never felt as lonely as when I was with him.

I agree Doublehalved that the process of realising the unholy mess and depth of an abusive relationship is scary and a little unreal.

It has already been mentioned on this thread but worth mentioning again......the bible......Lundy Bancroft: Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry men.

It is the thing I attribute to getting me to realise what on earth I was actually dealing with. No nonsense. Total sense......to the point it was like he had put cameras in my house and written the book about my marriage.
I cannot recommend this book enough OP.

How are you OP? I think you were going to tell him yesterday

Hes gone. I tried to tell him calmly I couldn't move forward from what had happened I didnt want any dramas but I wanted him to move out. He tried every trick in the book - crying, getting angry, told me I was a bitch that had split up the family, told me he would kill himself if I ever got with anyone else, ripped up several photos, etc, etc. I stayed calm and eventually he took most of his stuff and left.

I've been strong all day, told dc we love them but dont want to live together anymore because we dont want to argue. Cried A LOT when they went to bed! Had several unreasonable phone calls with him during the day but one just now that was slightly more reasonable.

Its going to be up and down for a long time and Im sure hes not going to make it straight forward but he seems to be in agreement that dc are no1 priority and making this as easy as possible for them as we can.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice, it gave me the kick up the arse I've needed for a long long time. In the end my mum was fantastic, when I really wobbled this morning and wanted to cave she reminded me calmly but firmly of the reasons why I was doing what I was doing - If I could convince her to try out a web forum she would be great on here!

Hurray for you and hurray for your Mum.

Well done for taking the first step and look after yourself x

Sorry you are having such an awful time.

Yay for you and your mum.

I really hopes it all works out well for you :)

Well done so pleased for you.
An awesome day to remember when you made a positive change and faced your fears.

Just brace yourself for the emotional roller coaster of this desperate man......every trick will be undertaken with a vengeance.

Well done, AlwaysThinking. The important thing is to keep him out now that you're at your most vulnerable. He will know his best chance of breaking you is right now, in the adrenaline crash after having finally told him to go.

Nothing needs to be decided right now despite his ultimatum earlier in the week. Give yourself time to start processing this - the feeling of distance you mentioned in an earlier post is a coping mechanism for whilst the psychological trauma is ongoing.

One day you will reach a place where you know in your heart that 1 time in 8 years is unacceptably bad. That won't be today - but that's alright.

Well done you! And well done your Mum.

Just keep staying strong now. To help with those wobbles make a big list of the reasons why you have split and why you should not get back together and pin it where you can see it every day, e.g. inside wardrobe door.

You have done the right thing. best wishes.

So pleased to hear this . You have done brilliantly. And i'm very glad your mum is being so strong and supportive of you.

His response : ripping up photos and saying he would kill himself if you got with any one else is not healthy and tells you everything you need to know about staying in this relationship a moment longer. The kids will come through this fine and be happier and so will you.

Good luck!

'Part of me thinks it's probably only been 10 incidents this extreme in the whole time we've been together'

that is 10 too many! i have been with my DP a long time and guess how many instances of him attacking me there have been? absolutly bugger all.

well done OP! only just saw your last post. stay strong!

OP the hard work starts now. You need to stand strong against the emotional beating you are going to take over the next few weeks and months, because he will not give up easily. This does not mean he loves you. All the begging and pleading and threats and anger do not mean that he cares - they mean nothing more than a 2 year old temper tantrum after being told they cant have what they want.

I have been married 18 years and my DH has never raised a hand to me, and never screamed at me.

What you have experienced in those 10 times in your married life were not normal, and he will not be able to change no matter how much anger management he attends and how many therapy sessions he goes to.

Imagine a year down the line and he wallaps you again. But HE has been to therapy so you must have done something to provoke him. Because he has been to therapy. See how it pans out?

He screamed abuse at you and smacked you in the face in front of your child. Always keep that in the front of your mind.

I have only just read this thread but well done. :-)

He will go back to pleading and threatening, and being nice and crying. The nice and the crying won't last long, I bet, though.

Stay strong.
Because you deserve to be happy.

Well done, Always - well done!

I want to second what hatti said:
the hard work starts now. You need to stand strong against the emotional beating you are going to take over the next few weeks and months, because he will not give up easily. This does not mean he loves you. All the begging and pleading and threats and anger do not mean that he cares - they mean nothing more than a 2 year old temper tantrum after being told they cant have what they want.

He might enlist his family or a mutual friend to ask you to go to Relate. Remember: no reputable counsellor will DO couples counselling in a relationship where there is abuse, as the abuser tends to use the counselling to continue intimidating and brainwashing his partner. Since you have been in an abusive relationship, ignore all requests to go to Relate or whatever.

I don't even know what to say. I feel so unbelievably sad. He is acting completely reasonably. He's got a flat, moves in tomorrow. The dc are staying with him at MIL tonight, I asked him to make it a big fun adventure and hes done exactly that, they sounded so happy when I spoke to them earlier (I text him just to check they were ok, he phoned back all - yes they're great here talk to them!)

I'm so glad they're happy and I'm so glad it seems like we're going to be able to sort out arrangements for the dc so that it's as painless as possible. But I'm here on my own away from my babies for the first time ever and its horrible. Will it ever get easier? I know the best thing is if he can do the right thing and make it ok for the dc but if he can be reasonable now why the hell couldn't he do it when we were together so that we didn't have to get to this point? Have I exaggerated everything, is he actually not that bad and I just looked at it from a dramatic point of view?

Sorry, I just don't know what to think at the moment. I know deep down I've done the right thing but I'm so sad for all the normal family life things I've lost.

Go back and read every single post again. This is just one incident you have mentioned which resulted in him cutting your lip open infront of your child. That had become your 'normal family life' and it had to stop. I don't see how you could make it any more dramatic if you tried because it was awful. I don't know what these other 10 things are you mentioned but added to this it makes a toxic relationship. He is being reasonable now because he thinks it will all blow over. My betting is when it starts to sink in you mean it he may get nasty again - i hope not.

It will get easier. Baby steps.

No, you haven't exaggerated anything. The fact that he is able to be reasonable now shows you that he was capable of being reasonable all along. He chose to be abusive and violent instead.

He is messing with your head. That is what men like him do. Keep alert, he is probably expecting you to crumble soon and beg him to come back. He may become more unpleasant when you don't.

You sre doing so so well. Don't forget to eat and sleep!

I hope not too. It is definitely the right thing to do. I really hope he can keep being reasonable. I just have no trust in him.

It's just so hard being away from the dc, even though I know they're happy!

I agree with blackcurrants last post. Well done you x It takes time. But when you've had the lightbulb you go. No one can speed that process up and I worry sometimes mn. Although well meaning can scare people off

No you didn't exaggerate anything Always... You minimised really, because that's how people cope. I'm sorry. :(
Try not to be disconcerted by his Nice Reasonable Fun Daddy act. This is at best temporary. At worst it IS an act.
There is no chance he would be reasonable with you if he came back, if anything, it's likely he'd get worse. Remember what your mum said (what a star she is).....Take care now

Thank you all. Just a bit of a wobble I think, I'm sure there will be lots more to come. I hope for the sake of the dc he keeps up the reasonable behaviour.

Reading through this I was going to give you an example from my life having been on the receiving end of a lot of what you described. I'm 6'4 and 17 st ex rugby player ex boxer but I took it from a woman half my size and half my weight but by christ could she punch.
However you obviously don't need that, what you need is to be told by all and sundry that you have done the right thing. Yes it's tough right now but it will get easier, you'll start a new chapter for you and the kids, one that will be much better for you all than the one you just finished.
Good luck.

always I imagine he will,for the time being, because he is waiting for you to cave.

If at any point you start worrying about him in sole care of the DCs, there are ways to organise supervised contact, too.

It must be sad being at home on your own. I hope you're getting a lot of restful sleep!

I know mornings are very hard, but think of this whole experience as a new start, a new morning of your life, and remember, it won't always be this hard.
[hugs]