DH lashed out Saturday night. I think there's no going back?

[AlwaysThinking]

I started a thread a couple of weeks ago. Things haven't been great since I told DH I wasn't happy with things between us a couple of months ago. I've tried really hard to keep going, we agreed we would try to make things work, but I know I have been a bit distant no matter how hard I try.

Anyway, we had a bit of a party for a family members birthday Saturday, all had a great night, probably a bit too much to drink but not crazy drunk. We went to bed and DD came in and got in bed with us. DH suddenly lost it. He just lost it completely over nothing and started shouting and swearing at me, DD woke up but he wouldn't stop and lie down. He got really aggressive and pushed me really hard back down and hit my mouth with the heel of his hand. My lip cut open. It was horrible and went on for ages. DD was crying. Eventually he laid down and went to sleep.

I still can't believe it happened. I know he should just leave but it is so complicated and now it seems almost unreal. He's really sorry and is arranging anger management etc etc. I just feel like I don't want to be near him, he's being so nice and sorry and promising it won't ever happen again. I'm torn between believing he's sincere and not believing a word that comes out his mouth. I'm so angry it happened in front of DD I can't even begin to explain how much I hate him for that. But everyone thinks he's great and I can't believe I have to tear up my dc happy little lives by making him leave. I don't know how to make myself strong enough to do what I need to do.

Anyone that leaves a man that hurts them IS doing the right thing.

We all second guess ourselves, its part of us finding our strength, it will get easier.

Focus on the true events, on what he's done to you, everything he's done to upset, hurt, destroy. Don't ever let go of these truths, they'll help you stay focussed and fixed on the path to your freedom.

OP - don;t worry that he is 'in fact' a lovely man and you just caught the wrong side of him - in FACT he is just following the script now. He is being nice as pie, showing the 'world' what a lovely chap he is, and how unreasonable and vicious you are.

He will soon revert to form, but even if he doesn't, if you took him back he sure as hell would. It would escalate hugely, due to the fact that you stood up to him.

You have done the right thing. You know it. There are men out there (if you want one!) who do not hit, push or intimidate their wives.

Calpurnia I'm sorry you are going through the same thing. It is so sad isn't it? The dc were with me last night and will be again tonight so I feel a bit better. The problem is I also feel really sad for H as he is now all on his own. Even though I know it is his actions that have caused this I still hate the fact that I have taken the life that he knew away and he is all alone in a little flat. I know I've done the right thing and it sounds ridiculous but I've put his feelings first for so long it's really hard to make myself stop doing it now!!

The dc have been amazing, they were sad when he dropped them off yesterday but soon back to normal and wizzing around! I look at them and can see that they will be alright one day. I know daddy seems like the best most fun person in the world right now but I'm making a conscious decision to force myself not to let it get to me. I know he will either let them down (although I hope he won't) or something will happen and then boring consistent mummy might not seem so bad.

I've also decided not to go telling everyone whats happened between us. He is telling everyone I've fallen out of love with him and left him and taken the kids and generally playing the victim. Apart from a couple of my very closest friends I'm just going to let him continue saying what ever he wants. He is a compulsive liar with a terrible memory. I will be dignified and just concentrate on keeping the dc happy and safe. As my mum said; give him enough rope and he will him hang himself. I will let people make their own decisions because I do not have to justify myself to anyone.

I feel quite empowered today.....I'm not sure it will last but while I feel it I'm going to enjoy it!!

Well Done!!! :) You (and your mum ) make a great team and are making all the right choices. I speak from experience because your decisions are SO much better than the mess I made :(

Keep on feeling empowered Always ... You're doing so well!

I can imagine how hard it is to see that it really is his fault that he's where he is.... and he's lucky not to be cooling his heels in a cell. As you rightly say - It's because of the years of involuntary training you've undergone in making yourself responsible for him and his happiness. So I'll say it for you - it's all his fault, and he's lucky it's no worse.

He hit you with the heel of his hand, which seems very calculated. It takes a little knowledge to do that, as it inflicts more pain than a random thwack, yet preserves the attacker's hand. Shudder. So don't you go feeling sorry for him

Arghhh....just need to rant. Thought he was being so reasonable this morning. Had a sensible conversation with him about how we would move forward regarding dc.

Then this evening, he has dc and rung to tell me how he felt so sad we weren't doing this together anymore. I mentioned something my mum said and he went mad saying he couldn't believe id told her he hit me. That I'd promised not to say anything. That everyone better not find out because if people know they'll all hate him and he won't be able to cope and be sensible for the dc. He then accused me (very loudly knowing his mum was in the next room) of threatening him with not letting him see the dc as much when all I had said was if he found it hard having this much contact I could back off even more.

I'm terrified he'll convince dc that I'm the one who has 'emotionally ruined them' they're so little they won't be able to see his games for what they are. I'm also soooo angry that he still won't accept his behavior was that bad and that I should feel guilty for telling anyone.

You had no need to "promise him not to tell anyone" that was an unfair expectation of you.
You have the right to tell who ever you want and need to , after all it is the truth,
I can understand why he didn't want people told--it shatters his "good dad and husband" personna and with people knowing he looses respect.

Don't let him play you, perhaps keeping contact to a minimun is the way to go just now

I just want him to be sensible for the dc but I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. He was being so reasonable and now I've gone against something he said he's gone all quiet on me. I feel like now he realises he might not be able to carry on convincing everyone he's the victim he's not going to be so nice about everything. I feel a bit sick. This was exactly the reason I haven't ever got this far before. I knew he would get like this.

well yes - you have stood up to him. Now he needs to change his game plan. What shall it be, I wonder - poor me? Bully boy? Threats to SS? You drove me to it? You are mad, I did no such thing....? A combination of the above?

Stand firm, let him threaten. Why the heck SHOULD you stay quiet? He is the one in the wrong here, not you. WHy should you protect his reputation when he has been violent?

Dont fall for the emotional guilt/blackmail. He is tryng to find a chink in your defences to wheedle his way back in to your lives, or to wheedle his way out with minimal damage to himself.

It is perfectly reasonable to curtail contact with someone who has hit you and who says they "won't be able to be sensible for the children" if you don't do what they want you to. It does not matter what anyone thinks about what you are doing, not his mum or your friends or family, not him. He is showing you he doesn't care about the children beyond what he can get from them, in this case getting at you and that threat in this context (a conversation about him hitting you) could be construed as a threat to hit the dcs.

hatti, excellent post.

So his Nice Reasonable Fun Daddy act really was an act. :( He fails to get exactly what he wants - and instantly blows a gasket. Starts to issue threats, even -
if you cross me I might not be sensible for the children.

Hmm, well he might not qualify for access if he can't.

I'm sorry, Always, he'll never accept what he did was wrong, because he isn't a healthy, normal man. And you can only try to let go of what the DC think....they're too young to understand everything, and they may draw naive conclusions about what happened. When they grow up, and can handle it, they can know more. Often though, children are smarter than we credit them for.

This is horrible for you, though it is the reason you have had to do what you did. It isn't better to stay and put up with it, that would be much worse - although it probably doesn't feel like it right now. You are being so brave.

Thank you for the replies. Yes hatti you're right the 'you drove me to it' excuse has been wheeled out regularly I'm emotional and wobbly but not stupid. However ladywordy you are right and he won't ever accept he did wrong because I don't believe he truly believes it himself.

I know I must just stand tall, I know I must take confidence in the fact that my beautiful dc are clever smart little people. Its just scary because I know how manipulative he can be when he tries.

Offred, I will definitely be cooling contact. I agree it doesn't matter what other people think. (However it is reassuring that the few people that do know the situation all agree that he is a total arse.)

Take things a bit at a time. My ex is still damaged and crap, he never prioritises the dcs and he finds it hard to deal with him but he treated me a lot like this straight after the split. The power wrangling may eventually settle down, he may eventually be able to be reasonable. My ex is reasonable (but still his damaged self) now and things are improving bit by bit very slowly and have come a long way from the immediate post split horribleness. He admitted later that he wanted to fight with me because he had treated me horribly and was trying to strike pre-emptively, when he realised (after the court told him) I was being reasonable and no-one supported him apart from the people he was lying to then he started to settle down. There is hope but you cannot afford to gamble on your children, sometimes a temporary break in contact is necessary in order to maintain productive contact and keep them safe and happy with their dad in the long run.

That doesn't sound optimistic does it? Sorry.

I mean that you can't actually change who he is but you can keep the children safe of you need to. Also that how he is after the split is likely to be the worst he'll ever be and it isn't an indicator this is how he will always be.

hatti Why the heck SHOULD you stay quiet? He is the one in the wrong here, not you. WHy should you protect his reputation when he has been violent?
Exactly! He is following the script. You are not being the little woman any more and he doesn't like it. He will resort to threats - I would suggest that you get legal advice asap, a letter from a solicitor may make him back off - after all he can't threaten him!

And dont worry about the dc- they will continue to love you, no matter what. Kids go through an awful lot, and come out the ther side, still loving both parents.