DH lashed out Saturday night. I think there's no going back?

[AlwaysThinking]

I started a thread a couple of weeks ago. Things haven't been great since I told DH I wasn't happy with things between us a couple of months ago. I've tried really hard to keep going, we agreed we would try to make things work, but I know I have been a bit distant no matter how hard I try.

Anyway, we had a bit of a party for a family members birthday Saturday, all had a great night, probably a bit too much to drink but not crazy drunk. We went to bed and DD came in and got in bed with us. DH suddenly lost it. He just lost it completely over nothing and started shouting and swearing at me, DD woke up but he wouldn't stop and lie down. He got really aggressive and pushed me really hard back down and hit my mouth with the heel of his hand. My lip cut open. It was horrible and went on for ages. DD was crying. Eventually he laid down and went to sleep.

I still can't believe it happened. I know he should just leave but it is so complicated and now it seems almost unreal. He's really sorry and is arranging anger management etc etc. I just feel like I don't want to be near him, he's being so nice and sorry and promising it won't ever happen again. I'm torn between believing he's sincere and not believing a word that comes out his mouth. I'm so angry it happened in front of DD I can't even begin to explain how much I hate him for that. But everyone thinks he's great and I can't believe I have to tear up my dc happy little lives by making him leave. I don't know how to make myself strong enough to do what I need to do.

Always I quite understand how hard it must be to believe, if you've never known any different.

I suppose another way of looking at it would be this: Even if every other married woman in the UK was being beaten black and blue on a daily basis, why should you be?

I've regularly wanted to roll my eyes at my DH, or yell at him for not picking up his socks ... but I've never, ever been afraid of him. And I don't know any of my married friends who would say they're afraid of their partners - but even if they were - why should you be?

You don't have to live like this. There's no law saying you should. In fact there are several saying you shouldn't.

also OMG you are not weak. You are NOT! I wish I could come around with a cuppatea and a twix (universal morale boosters, y'know!) but as I can't please, please believe me when I say you are NOT weak. Just keep taking one step at a time, and don't let the 'what if's overwhelm you. Calling WA would be a great start their number is 0808 2000 247, it's a freephone number.

We're saying that you matter. What you feel, what you want, your safety and your happiness are important.

You are not pathetic. You are incredibly brave by posting. Because you know this is wrong.
To do what he did to you is unforgivable. To do it in front of your little girl means that you get far away and you NEVER take him back.
And as for the thinking that stuff like that happens in every other relationship - it doesn't. It really, really doesn't. I used to think that too. I used to think 'everyone' had physical abuse of some sort. HE made me believe that. HE made me believe that I was the one with the issues.

Take care OP - get real life help and remember that NO man has the right to hurt you.

I don't think you should tell him you're leaving or want him to leave. It could be very risky for you. Leaving an abusive relationship is when the risk is highest. Please call Women's Aid and get advice or contact NCDV to start the process of getting a court order to remove him from the property. He may well be emotionally childlike but don't let that fool you into thinking he's not dangerous because he is. He's happy to hit you in the face in front of his dd - he has no boundaries and believes he is entitled to bully, assault and intimidate you.

"We're saying that you matter. What you feel, what you want, your safety and your happiness are important."

Worth saying twice :)

Why would I feel awful for him? Because I would hate to think I had caused people to have a bad opinion of him - why would people think that you've caused his bad reputation when you tell them he hits you? It's his fault, not yours. He deserves a bad reputation, he is a wife-beater.

If people have a bad opinion of him when they learn that he is a wife-beater then that is his fault - for being a wife-beater. Remember, other people don't know what goes on in a marriage, unless some one speaks out. That's what gives him such power.

And it's not you splitting up the 'happy family' - it's him.

Thank you for all your replies. Reading them has made me close to tears and I haven't cried at all about the situation. I feel kind of distant if that makes sense.

akaemma I'm glad to know you got through it, I think the horribleness (is that a word?) is the bit thats stopped me all this time.
mcmooncup you are right, I almost don't want to admit it but I am so different from what I used to be like and it has all just happened gradually over time and all because it made for an easier life. I don't know how I've allowed it to happen.

Blackcurrants, AThingInYourLife, thank you for your kind words. It makes me feel a bit sick and shaky to have people say things like that but in a nice way. Like I can't believe I've told people and they agree with what I've known deep down all along. I just want to be me again.

neuroticmum, thank you for your advice. I will handle the situation carefully. I would have bet my life on him not hurting me if I tried to leave before Saturday but after doing that and the lies I know he's told me since I don't know what to believe. I will be careful.

captainmummy, I realise this is the way I should think. It's just going to take a long time to actually make my brain feel this way.

Thank you so much everyone. I am scared but slightly more brave.

You're going to be fabulous again x

Thank you. Hopefully one day. The next few days will be hard I think.

It might also help to realise that the man you 'loved' is not real and doesn't exist. The nice man who made you laugh and paid you complements and did nice affectionate caring things - that was just a mask he put on. The real man is the one who thinks it's OK to hit you when you are not behaving as he wants you to behave, the one who doesn't really think you're a person at all, you're just something that exists to meet his needs.

You will be so much better off without him. Good luck and stay safe.

But thats what I mean about 'he's not like that' most of the time it is fine. It's not a regular occurrence. I know I will be better off without him probably but hes not horrendous, he's not aggressive weekly or even monthly.

He's done it 10 times, that sounds pretty much like a regular occurence to me.

Although, that is still making excuses. The general shouty negativity is just as bad isn't it.

Arghhh, I want to right - but over 8 years 10 times isn't much. What is the matter with me? I know its too much.

write not right - sorry!!

Yes it is.

I'd suggest that he's not gone to work, or 'given you space' in order to minimise your opportunities to tell anyone what he has done.

OP, as others have said, of course you are finding it hard to take in. You don't need to force yourself to believe this or that or whatever. You really just need to tell someone and get out.

Of course it's easier for us to say it's not ok, because we can see from the outside. It's far easier to see an abuser for what they are when you can't see any good traits.

But he IS an abuser and I am shocked and disgusted that he would hit you in front of your daughter. That he would do it at all is awful enough and I'd still be telling you to leave, but in front of your daughter is just disgusting.

When the children have left and you're old and grey will you look at your partner and feel warmth and pride for the man he's been or disgust and bitterness for what you've lived with?

I know it is, I do know, I don't know why it bothers me so much. Its so annoying. I think all these things about him but as soon as someone says something bad I feel sorry for him and feel like I should defend him. Maybe this is what the counsellor can help me deal with?

Hi,Always thinking.
I can feel your feelings...like yesterday...I have been out of my marriage for 9 nearly 10 months now. It was very hard to make the decision to leave but believe me, even though my H got worse immediately after I got him out, the DCs and I have never ever looked back, we are healthier, happier and in a good place. It can be done and you will amaze yourself at your strength, resolve and capability.

I am not saying it is all easy, or straight forward, just that it is really worth it. you and your DCs will be ok.

sometimes all you can do is feel the fear and do it anyway. Just because it is the right thing to do.

much love to you and yours
xxfool

Flisspaps I have wondered that to. I think he knows how close to the edge I am. He's basically said if he goes to work he just thinks about 'really bad things' implying he wants to kill himself. But I've read the abuse stuff I know thats something they say. But dont normal people say that too sometimes? I dont know.

Thank you for understanding yellowraincoat. I agree its the fact that DD witnessed it that has really made me wake up.

hector - I can't imagine being with him when I'm old and grey. I dread the thought of it. I'm terrified of the thought of waking up in years to come and realising I should have got out years ago.

Sigh.
Stop thinking about yourself and think of your dd.
He hit you in front of her.
Perhaps it will be her turn next?
I have zero tolerance for abusers.
And their enablers.
He has hit you before.
He will hit you again.
So stay...
And end up like my aunt...she didn't leave til she ended up in casualty and my cousins have been irreparably damaged by the awful things they witnessed during their childhood.

sometimes all you can do is feel the fear and do it anyway

Glad you're ok now fool. I just hope I'm brave enough to do it anyway.

I've been with DH ten years and we've had many stand up rows disagreements over the years but he has never, ever pushed me, hit me or called me names.
So yes, ten times is a lot.