Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

Lou, I've read both your threads from start to finish and just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are, and I agree with all the posters who have gone before me in saying that you've had a lucky escape from this individual. You are handling the situation with so much dignity and grace. It is always darkest before the dawn, but the dawn will come, and with it, a brighter day. Best of luck Lou, we are all rooting for you.

"how you've changed into a slightly safer/cosier person, and then I start to feel it's my fault. A bit. I know you all say I'm strong, but I'm not"

You need to stop these daft thoughts straight away. It is NORMAL to get a bit comsier, that's what long term relationships do. Can you imagine if they didn't? People in their pension years strutting their stuff in mini skirts and 6 inch heels so that they stay attractive to their partners? Did he stay cutting edge fashionable and attractive, taking as much care over his appearance as when he was a single bloke?

You're doing great. You've had the most awful shocks to cope with. Your mind will be processing things slowly. Keep taking it a day at a time, an hour or minute at a time if necessary.

I suspect with this man that even if you had totally ignored your own wishes and inclinations about dress and spent the last ten years trussed up like a stripogram for his benefit - he would still be a headfuck. However you look at the last week he just doesn't sound right in the head. You can't judge him by normal standards of motivation and behaviour and think if only I'd done this or that (which is what the doctor was well-meaningly trying to do re adultery and ttc).

On which note he's taken the cat insurance papers too, WTF? Hope your cat is ok.

None of this is your fault Lou, none if it at all xx

I don't want to say something unhelpful or inappropriate here, but I have to say that reading all of your stories about how your jackass partners treated you, and also the shock I feel reading your story Lou, I am feeling extra grateful for my DH. I can be really overly critical of him at times but I can really see what a great man I have, these threads have really put it in perspective for me. So thanks to everyone for sharing.

Ive been thinking about your thread all day Lou, your an inspiration, i wish i had some of your strength and courage.
Your doing so well, so so well.
My exp left me when i found out i was 21 weeks, and had torn my whole life apart. Im struggling on. Mumnet gets me through. I have alot more down days than up days and i cant emotionally detach myself from my ex. I also cant get my anger out.
Im glad posting is helping you, plese keep your threads, i stupidly got my thread deleted as i convinced myself id been outed in real life. I then slightly name changed. It was silly of me, as if i had been outed in real life- i had nothing to be ashamed off!
I really admire your thread, your strength and courage. I hope youve had a nice sleep, and a nice evening lasr night (as well as could be anyway)
sending un-MNetty hugs.

Things look very difficult at the moment but trust that what would be would be and it will certainly be for the best.

When my ex left suddenly, I couldn't understand why, which was rather difficult for me, then I started to receive counseling and part of it included helping me to identify potential abusers to avoid doing the same mistakes I did with my previous marriage. Surprise surprise, the ex that left, despite looking far more decent than my exH, scored four times higher than my exh in the test. So, you don't know why things are happening now, but trust that life is taking care of you and preparing you for something better or protecting you from something worse.

WRT the pregnancy, remember, it is your decision. You are the only one who can weight the pros and cons of going ahead with it. Trust your instincts, and do what you consider is best. If you don't feel you can take such decision, leave it on nature's hands for the time being, a few weeks won't make much difference but ask about the possible effect of the medicines you have been taking on early preganancy.

All the best.

Hello Lou,
So much that I have read about affairs and the men that pursue them, points out that it is not problems within the relationship which "caused" the affair, but rather that there was an opportunity which the betrayer did not resist. So it is the betrayer who has the weakness or flaw, not the betrayed.

I know I have spent weeks fruitlessly going over every detail and decision I made, to see if there was something I should have done to have prevented the chaos my life is in now, but I am realising that nothing I could have done would have prevented this, and so it is not MY fault.

Sorry to hear the cat is poorly, but I think we all know who should be paying the Vet's bill, and you've got his address Lou!!

Oh Lou, sorry you're feeling a bit down on yourself.

When your relationship breaks down in such a terrible manner, the self-esteem & confidence can go down the toilet.

Please, if you can, silence your inner critic & remind yourself of all the things you like about yourself - write them down if you have to- am sure those of us following your thread could add a few too: how about: intelligent, caring, strong - just for starters.

Please be kind to yourself. Do something nice for yourself every day. And give some thought to being signed off sick from work - if it's the right thing for you (it may not be).

And as for bigger decisions - don't put pressure on yourself just now - you've only had 24 hours or so to come to terms with this.

Hey Lou,

You're coping amazingly well, it might not feel like it but you'll look back on this and realise how brilliant you're dealing with everything that's being thrown at you.

I'm not really one for posting on threads in Relationships but you sound so lovely that I'm following your story and rooting for you all the way. It's this comment I wanted to post about:

"I wake up, open my wardrobe and look at my clothes and I think 'yeah, I can see why he left you'". That's HIS VOICE, HIS INFLUENCE and that's why you need to break free.

The manner of you're H's leaving was shocking and callous, the borderline violence of pushing you out of a car vicious and frightening. But the post that brought tears to my eyes was the one where you said he told you your dressing gown was dirty and your teeth were stained. And that he laughed at your big post-op pants. I hope you know that "normal" partners and husbands just DON'T do this? They CHERISH their partner/wife. Whatever ups and downs it's not normal to be so cruel to the one you love. My DH is far from perfect but I wake up every day and fall asleep every night feeling loved - the future will hold this for you too but not by staying married to chutneywanker.

Be kind to yourself, don't rush any decisions on the pg and certainly don't make any decisions to please anyone else (in RL or on here). YOU are master of your own destiny.

The edginess in long term comes from the emotional and mental and physical and spiritual closeness.

One puts on weight, grows random hairs, etc etc - but the excitement remains in the mind and the navigation of the journey.

Fuck him.

Thank you Rachelfruitloop, that posts make us all feel so much the better even if at a time we all were able to write the same about our ex

It sounds like you are really going through the mill! Re. the pregancy, I was quite surprised, like, that you decided you were not pregnant based on one negative test after testing positive. I had the same thing - long awaited baby, but I knew that you can have a false negative but never a false positive. I just left it a few days and tested again.

UnlikelyAmazonian ...a shocking experience for you. :( So he coolly cleared out a £10K overdraft allowance in full, in cash, plus the savings?.and remembered to come back for his designer sunspecs? .. And yet... what else would he do. People like this are capable of anything. Even using their children as a credibility prop. As garlicnuts said ? a lifelong malfunction.

If only we could warn people: yes, there really are some people who will do that, and they are not in jail, or wearing a weird mask, or a big warning notice: they are those very charming people you know, people you work with, and sometimes even people you marry.

Lou I'm sure you know that, even if you looked and dressed like a supermodel, it would not have made a shred of difference to what has happened. The deluded OW will have the same experience before long.

Hope you can track down the insurance for the kitty, and that you're taking plenty of time to rest. Your family and friends have rallied round wonderfully, and you are doing so well after so little time.

Don't feel bad if you don't always feel strong, or focused about things ?what normal person would?

oh yes, I meant to say earlier that I hope your cat is on the mend soon, Lou ... it really speaks to the intense strangeness of your Chuntey's actions, that he took medical insurance documents for the cats. He wasn't just 'taking all his things' -he was trying to punish you/ make your life harder/ make you miss/need him by taking shite like the cats' insurance details.

he really does sound like a horrible man.

He took the cat insurance! What kind of bastard would do that?

Sorry Cartagena and everyone . Of course, this sort of thing can happen to anyone, that is evident here. What I mean to say is that it puts things into perspective and I'm grateful for that. I'm afraid I often put my foot in my mouth with naïve comments. Will ask to have my previous comment removed.

In any case, I am really in awe of how you are doing Lou, as well as others who have struggled with similar situations.

Sounds a bit mean to me and a bit I.m alright Jack.

Actually I like the idea of a list, Lou - you could list your many, many good points. And you could also make a list of chutneymonkey's many bad points

Alternatively, the collective voice of MN could make a list for you!

Hope the cat is on the mend and that you have been able to sort things out with the insurers.

I really don't mean to offend . Will ask to have both comments removed.

Lou - my x walked out leaving me to deal with his debts/abuse etc when my eldest was 8 months, at the time I was frightened to do a pg test but knew I was pg and had been putting off the test. Having a baby without a shitbag man was really easy tbh, dealing with horrible xp every day was honestly much worse. It was lovely cuddling up at night with little dd and ds and not feeling afraid/stressed in my own home and own bed. Being a parent in any situation is really hard. Being by yourself is different to being with someone but like everything has good points not just bad ones.

Obviously it is your decision to make and your life but being a single parent isn't, I think, something to be afraid of necessarily. It is being a parent at all that is scary to me.

rachelfruitloop I think you are spectacularly missing the point here!

The reason OP and other posters on here feel so utterly, utterly devastated is because they, just like you, felt extremely grateful for DH and what a great man I have

If they hadn't felt like that, knew H was a total knob and very likely to screw them over, do you think they would be here now wondering how on earth they are going to keep waking up each day?

They aren't just grieving the fact that H has left, they are grieving the fact that what they thought was reality really isn't at all!

I really hope this never happens to you, but just remember it CAN happen to absolutely ANYONE!

hey rachelfruitloop, you meant no harm. Forums can be a tricky way to communicate at the best of times.

I have been thinking about this, and really don't understand how you decided you had a chemical pregnancy with no symptoms. Having been through the same thing, and desperate for a baby, no way would I have come to that outcome based on one negative test. What made you think that? I can understand the extra testing, but when in doubt, the GP is the way to go surely, if your period didn't start - the main sign.