Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

I've been reading since the beginning.
I am another who says you absolutely must get proper legal advice asap. In my experience the 'free consultation' with a solicitor just tells you what the process is and how much the costs are likely to be. They don't tend to give you any actual advice - they (naturally) want you to pay them for that.

Be very cautious indeed about getting any traceable money from your Dad until after the divorce or at least until you've had firm legal advice about it. When I got divorced they asked me about other sources of potential income, ie was I likely to have any inheritance, was anyone going to give me a lump sum of any kind etc etc. They take it all account. The court does not look at the behaviour of either of you when making financial decisions.

Girlywhirly's advice is very good. Use the solicitor but with measure.

... and get a "Which? Guide to divorce" it could save thousands of pounds and give you a realistic view on to what expect.

I understand there is a very big difference between what people will think "fair" and what the law will dictate. Some people are suggesting that the STBXH will be forced to support you until the child reaches adulthood. I very much wish that was the case but that support is not what most people expect. You can calculate how much you could get in child maintenance from your ex using the CSA calculator (www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp). I have to say that my jaw hit the floor when I found out how little he was expected to pay in child maintenance, however, my jaw also hit the floor at finding out how much I would get in tax credits as a single parent with a long income. (You can check entitledto.org.uk for calculator on tax credits).

Dear Lou,
I think you would find it very valuable and helpful to get a copy of the WHICH book on Divorce, it is less than £8 on Amazon.

It sets out in great detail all the financial complexities, and so will help you to make an informed decision after you have taken legal advice.

You are in such a difficult position, having to make all these interlocking decisions, so you need to have as much unbiased information as possible. Don't rush into anything at present, take your time to find out what your realistic options are.

You've done so well today, I'm sure your brain must be reeling.
Take care.

The last text just shows how much he was trying to manipulate you with counselling ,the fake address and "not the right time" for a baby.

Ignore. YOU are divorcing him. You can't trust a word that comes out of his mouth. Let Ms Napoli deal with his shit, the Wonderful Lou has shut shop to all chutneywankers.

If you divorce him for adultery, am I correct in thinking that he then has to pay all legal fees? And that there is a time limit on using adultery as ground? If that is the case, I would think that is more incentive for you to go for a divorce on those grounds sooner than later, as well as to make the break (re property,money etc) cleaner and quicker.

I, too, hope he has had a whole heap of shit from his parents - he deserves it, and more.

Thanks everyone. Yes, my mind is reeling, I still can't believe he's gone. It's still a total shock how he did it, and given that he was away so much with 'work' I'm still sometimes expecting him to work in with his trolley suitcase. And then the fact I'm pregnant. And then all the legal stuff. And the money stuff. And the 'find a full time job' stuff. Sometimes I have to shut down because I'm with people most of the day, or talking to people on the phone, or I'm whirling it through my head that there gets a point where I've got to just stop and focus on my sanity. Very difficult because I can't watch TV or read the papers.

If we're happy with the solicitor then we will instruct this week. But again my hospital scan isn't until next Tuesday (when I'll be 8 weeks) so at the moment I'm finding it impossible to think than beyond that. It all seems so impossible and I don't know how I'll cope. And when I'm on my yahoo email I get loads of Match.com adverts appearing at the side, with all these pictures of men, and that overwhelms me too (for some odd reason) because I think 'Shit, at some point I'm going to have to start all that bollocks again' (i.e. dating) which I haven't done for about 10 years. Arrrggghhh! I just don't do fakery and bollocks - and I've looked at the adverts and it's all like 'Spent the New Year in New York, climbed Mount Everest last weekend, speaks 10 languages, works out at the gym 4 times a week, likes good food and wine',........ and I just want someone intelligent who likes cups of tea, nights in, pub lunches, and holidays in the South West.

If I were a man, I'd date you Lou

Poor you, there's so much to take in. How about a separate list/notebookfor each element? And try and keep the others in a draw as you work your way through a problem. Its what I go when things seem insurmountable and I feel like my head is swimming.

I wonder whether work would offer you full time? Worth asking. Regardless it's worth staying where you are if you keep baby for maternity leave.

As it goes I would definitely date you too! Im surprised someone as nice as you out up with this loser for as long as possible.

But please keep ant financial help close to your chest and don't leave a paper trail for anything (eg parents putting money in your account etc)

Well, LouP19, you could be single and mysterious and just have a lot of cats .. But to be honest, given that people have come from all points of the compass to help you out, I have the feeling you are very popular in real life - and will have trouble beating the men off, if anything! So no need to let those fake-y dating profiles bother you.

Seriously though, it seems that people you know are quite relieved that your dysfunctional H is out of the picture, and are eager to get in touch. It doesn't always pan out like that. Sometimes the charmer's charm is so powerful it fools an awful lot of people.

Take your time, you're doing really well. It will all be OK in the end.

Yes he has to pay legal fees if it is adultery and I think it has to be within 6 months of using it for grounds of divorce otherwise it is unreasonable behaviour.

'Shit, at some point I'm going to have to start all that bollocks again' (i.e. dating)

That made me :o

You're funny even now in the middle of all this, and that is a very attractive quality. Not to mention all the integrity, intelligence and good sense you demonstrate in spades on this thread and the previous one.

So, when it comes to all that bollocks you will be fine. Really. But don't frighten yourself by thinking too far ahead.

Good luck with the solicitor tomorrow. Just take one step at a time. I wouldn't let on about any potential help from your parents. If I were you I'd be really curious as to what he wanted to talk about but it probably won't help you.
I cannot get over what a hideous excuse for a man he is.
For what it's worth, if I were man I'd date you too!

Lol at Katie, I was thinking the same, I'd date you

Yes, I know I'm too far ahead, keep trying to stay focused on one day at a time, but it's hard. My Mum took my shopping at the weekend and I put stuff like Dairy Lea triangles and tinned ravioli in the basket. And I think she was even 'Ooer, you're 36 years old', yet this is who I am. I'm terrified of starting all that crap again when you have to pretend you like eating posh food and you have to make your life sound REALLY exciting all the time. I'm hoping I'm beyond that at my stage in life.

Thank you all, love your comments, you're wonderful.

Don't knock the Dairylea triangle, food of the gods especially on thick sliced hot toast.

Tinned ravioli? I'm on my way! :o

Dairylea on a hot crumpet is the food of the gods.

Tinned ravioli is one of my favourites. I always do 1 and a half tins for my DCs...1 is not enough for them and for me. Stops my guilt at scoffing it before it gets to their plates (and they never left any either). Food of Gods. And D iry Lea is not bad either

I don't think you have to pretend your life is exciting on dating websites. I think they do attract a lot of people who like to pack as much adventure in as possible, but if you're not looking to land one of these guys you don't have to try to be like them. And to be honest, a lot of people lie on these things too and it's obvious. When I was on match.com there were people who sounded like they wouldn't know what the inside of their own house looked like, with the lists of all the activities they claimed to do on a regular basis, and yet any time I logged on, they were always online. I always had visions of them checking for "winks" on the side of some cliff whilst getting in some abseiling practice!

I think a lot of people are relieved when they come across someone who is kind and intelligent, but doesn't spend their life jumping out of planes and swimming with sharks. Reckon you'd be popular Lou, as everyone has said already you sound well liked in real life and have kindness and intelligence in spades.

dairylea triangles on toast with marmite on top! Yumsville x

i know what you mean about dating in the future, but i really can't see it happening for me, i actually like the idea of a little cottage by the sea with lots of cats and stuff...of course i'd have to get the lottery numbers up to achieve it, but when i think of a happy future, i don't see a man in it...i think i've had my fair share of hurt. i simply don't think i trust my own judgement any more and never will be able to give myself 100% because i never dreamt that my ex would do what he did, and its really floored me. the thought of setting myself up again for a fall terrifies me.

Lol at Katie also!

Lou - you have a fabulous support system around you and you are using it well. In fact, you are prioritising your decisions which is excellent.

You don't know what the future holds. I have been widowed 11 years now and am still single with no inclination to look for anyone. I have my fabulous Border Collie dog who gives me the reason to wake up, earn a crust (to pay for his stupidly expensive food and vet bills) and a reason to come back through my front door when I have to leave him.

He sits in the bay window as I leave - and he is there when I come back. (I bet he has been playing silly with his toys whilst I am out!)

I live off tinned tuna, pilchards on toast, poached eggs, cold baked beans and cup-a-soup. I am still here to tell the tale! Hmmm... what will I have tonight.....hmmmm.... I think I might have a tin of tuna (straight out of the tin with a fork!) Or maybe I will try the new MN delicacy called Dairylea on crumpets (I think I have some of those trianges in the fridge from when LN last visited!)

Stay strong Lou and take every day at a time.

Lou, I have three cats and a history of extremely abusive relationships. Nothing like what you've experienced though. :( If you ever want a kitty playdate, hop a plane to Australia!

This might give you a much deserved smile. Behold...Single. White. Feline!!!

Heinz do a new cheese tinned ravioli (I'm veggie) that is delicious,....... in case any of you are interested.

I know it's early days, but I know a relationship is important in my life. I'm not going to let this bastard ruin my perception of men forever. Think it's important to say that to myself so I try and get 'out there' at some point during the next few months.

Got a friend coming over this evening, someone who's a similar age and got divorced last year. Tired, but appreciate the company.

And I've just cooked the cats some fish fillets because the blasted flies keep landing on their cat food and I can't be arsed with it today!

Speak tomorrow no doubt x

Hi LouP. Another lurker here delurking to let you know how much I admire your strength and dignity.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to ignore the Chunt and his messages, I don't think I could show nearly as much restraint. You are doing amazingly well considering your world as you know it has been turned on its head in such a short space of time. Wishing you lots of luck for your meeting tomorrow

(And Dairy Lea triangles rule, my DC's and I would probably live off them if I let them)

Lou -- Larry 15:08:49 (and earlier) is absolutely right here.

You don't have to commit to the solicitor you see this week unless you are certain you have the shit hottest on the planet.

You need to cast around for a really good one and if your dad can help pay him or her then that is where the money should go. It will be worth it. Ask relatives and friends to come up with suggestions and ask on Legal here, also on Divorce and Separation.

Don't make any agreements with the Building Soc until you have talked with the solicitor first. DO NOT let your dad pay one penny towards the mortgage until exH is paid off and the debt is yours. And don't be too hung up on retaining the house. It is terribly hard to let it go and contemplate starting again but don't let it be a millstone round your neck that holds you back from a new start that could be very positive.

You need to get your legal foot in and stop the flow of verbal diarrhoea coming from him via your phone.