Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

My mortgage is currently £105K and costs me £700 a month which I cant afford if I stay here. If I remortgage for that amount over 25 years again, it will come down to £550 fixed for 5 years. or if I can reduce it to £88K (theres a chance of some family money), then the repayments will come down to £450.

So either way I have to do it, as I cant continue on £700, especially if he stops or reduces his maintenance at any point.

sorry you couldnt keep your brothers flat, its sad when that happens. Lou should of course only keep the house if she can afford it, but she does need to look at all options. I couldnt rent in this area for less than £500, so to get a mortgage for a similar amount would be great.

Good luck, Skye, hope you do get it down. We needed to find £140K on top of our normal expenses. Couldn't come up with much more than £100 a month, and that was a few years ago before the worst of the recession had affected us! Not a chance . It does mean that I will always remember it how it was when he lived there though, so there's a bright side to it.

Lou, How are you today petal? I have been reading in tears, as I went through an almost identical experience, but mostly.... I wanted to say how well you are doing, and how in awe I am of your strength.

I had been trying for a baby for a year with my ex, and tbh, had been blissfully happy even though there was major red flags I had been ignoring. I had a cancer scare, and had needed a few operations. Even though I knew I would be fine, I was terrified and had relied on my ex dp heavily, which was new for me as I had always been mega independent. In retrospect, I recognise he really couldn't cope with this.

I came home one day, and thought I had been burgled. The first thing I noticed was the tv missing, then photos off the wall, then on closer inspection, every single item of my ex's life. I called him and he refused to answer the phone, until I threatened to turn up at his parents. He came round and said he loved me but that I couldn't take criticism and that I had been suffocating him with wanting a baby. Ironically, we had made love that morning and he had begged me not to get out of bed and go out.

It turned out (I hacked into his emails) that he was having an affair with a work colleague, and had been using prostitutes.

Now, heres the thing, I went to pieces. I was a mess - I burst into tears in the supermarket, I shook constantly, I BEGGED him to come back, and that the above didn't bother me. When that didn't work, I got angry and told everyone had been using prostitutes, and about his affair. I lodged a formal complaint with his work (he's a police officer) I just washed my dignity down the drain basically.

You are doing AMAZING, truly, I recognise how you are feeling - and yet you are the stronger version of how I was, and how I acted.

Now, 2 years on, I have a darling wonderful son. I am a single parent. I live in the same house, I still, if Im hoenst, think about my ex often.... But I have never been happier. Truly. You will get to this point too. I promise. Because I have walked in your shoes and are just a little further down the path.

You will have good days again, just take this one day at a time and keep reminding yourself of how good your future WILL be - no matter how scary the future is, it will be better because it is on your terms.

If you need anything, feel free to pm me. I know this is long, but I wanted to share, to give you hope. I yet again, want to say how impressed I am with how you are acting and coping. You are strong, and loved by many. You will kick ass again!!

ps Oh, and your fella took his chutney? Mine took his nutella and crunchy nut cornflakes!!!

sillymillyb - although I am at how you were treated I am so glad you came out of it in one piece and that you can show Lou how life could be in a couple of years.

These men really are just shit's aren't they?

bloody hell sillymilly, another twunt!

how the hell are there so many of them about? cant we start a petition for twunt extermination?

mine took his Actimel and Diet Coke..... and his clothes. Everything I threw in boxes and binbags and left on the driveway for him

Hoping you won't find anything horrible like a second mortgage on the house when you talk to the Building Soc.

Are you aware of all his credit cards, etc?

Mine took the TV, and stand. Left me in £4,k debt, I had to pay as he had not ben paying rent and hiding letters, if I did not pay I would have been evicted.

He contacted his DS few weeks back, he wanted "his mug"! I advised I would give this to his mother - no contact!!

I also have never ben happier - marriage of 15 years with 1 okayish year.

As shocking as it is to find your house fleeced, I think one thing that really shocked me when exH left was that he took absolutely nothing but a photo of his parents. Not one picture of the DCs, not one single one of the billions of pictures they had ever drawn. He walked out and left it all behind like a snake shedding its skin.

He did leave me with his large credit card debt though about a year before he left we refinanced the mortgage and got cash out which all went on the cc bill. This cut down considerably on the profit from the house when it was sold. The cc bill was in his name. wish I had known then what I know now.

When I say he left me with his cc bill, I mean it was paid eventually from my share of the house...

Mine left me with £7,500 bank loan. plus owing my mum £32,000 for house deposit and also a further £17,000 we borrowed to pay his loan off and house improvements. He did try and take the furniture but I changed the locks before he got up here and told him unless he could proved he paid for it he wasn't getting it. He had paid for nothing but the bed but funnily enough did not want that as I suspect OW would not have wanted it.

Thank fuck he is no longer in my life though and I do chuckle to think at some point OW will wake up to his lies.

Hello Lou

I've been following your story and incredibly sorry you are in this situation. I just wanted to say that in relation to wanting people to know the truth about your 'D'H, in my experience the truth will come out and however he may want to cover his tracks he will inevitably hoist himself on his own petard over time.

In my circumstances my XH left DS2 (at the time) unexpectedly in the middle of IVF. To say I was blindsided was the understatement of the year. He was having an affair with a girl from work who I had some ?s over but denied it up and down for about 6 months incredibly vehemently to his family and friends and stuck to the "Dolly and I should never have married, my life was one of abject misery and I have to leave to be a better father and be true to myself" blah blah. He is very convincing and everyone believed him and thought that Dolly was emotional and delusional. He also left me in a very difficult financial situation as had moved to Australia with him left my career and job and had been a SAHM and refused to let me return to the UK (law on his side due to our DS).

Fast forward 2 years later, the truth came out and his oldest friends no longer have any contact with him - not because of leaving me per se - but because he lied in HUGE detail to them for months and months eg. 'no I can't come to xyz social arrangement as I am deep sea fishing and caught a fish x big etc" when he was away with OW etc etc so no longer have any respect for him. He is in touch with his family but they have yet to meet the OW two years later and have found all of his lies very hard to take.

It has been a long and hard journey for me - as I have to stay in Australia as a single parent with no family or old friend support network - and the first year or so I was lucky to find the front door. But it DOES get better. I am now doing freelance work and have just arranged to take over the mortgage on our home. My son and I are lonely at times but we are gradually forging a new life that looks very very different from the one I hoped to have but there are moments of joy and happiness which I hope become more than moments over time. I often think my love of a Hemingway quote which is "the world breaks everyone and after some are stronger in the broken places". My heart and my world were broken but I intend them to be stronger and I don't want to let my experience harden my heart and my capacity to enjoy life. It is a bit like snakes and ladders, one step forward two steps backwards at time but I'm still in the game. Good luck to you Lou in your journey, whatever form that takes xx

Morning all, special thanks to dolly and sillymilly for sharing your stories. Whilst I don't want to think of anyone going through what I am, in a way it's heartening to hear stories from people who have been there and survived. So thank you all, it's inspirational to hear from you all.

Had another tiring day yesterday. Two neighbours came over (older couple, the man came aswell and said if I needed anything I was to only ask). Then in the afternoon my brother and sister in law came round and we chatted and watched some Olympics. Then in the evening my Mum came round for an hour to help me wash up (I know, pathetic, I just can't do that type of stuff at the moment. The house is a tip and I'm normally very anal about stuff like that). I know I keep repeating myself, but I always feels slightly stronger as the day goes on,.....

Mornings however as awful. It's slowly occuring to me that he's been planning this for several weeks and I've largely been completely unaware. And that really really hurts. His behaviour only really changed about 6 weeks ago, when he became noticeably more distant and distracted and grumpy with me. Until this point there had been small signs (more business trips at short notice especially, a couple of blonde hairs), but really I didn't have any strong suspicions at that point, just slight inklings. And in the latter couple of weeks I keep thinking to myself 'I wonder if he's having an affair', but at no point was I prepared for him to move out and leave me. It is still such a shock that he had planned this for, in his words, 'several weeks' (i.e. moving out) and I had NO idea. I consider myself to be an intelligent, astute person, but he has completely blindsided me by his final actions. It's this that makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to have another relationship again.

This morning I'm going to see the building society with my Dad at 10am. Apparently my Dad may be able to put a large chunk of money down on the mortgage (they haven't said what that is) to help keep me in the house. So that it an option. We'll explain to them we're seeing the solicitor tomorrow to find out legal options, but as my brother said yesterday as long as I'm pregnant we can argue that he can't pull out of paying the mortgage. So I'm going to try and use that as a card at the solicitors tomorrow. Have decided I don't want to file for divorce just yet as I think this is exactly what he wants - so going to try and play it 'my way' (whatever that it) for the next few weeks whilst I decide what to do with the baby.

Best wishes Lou and I hope you get a positive answer at the building society.

You know more than anything else the planning etc just shows what a coward he is. And a twunt of course, but a coward beyond all things.

Hope you have a productive time with the building society, Lou. Is your brother going to the solicitor's with you? So many people are rooting for you! x

Hope the morning goes well Lou, your Parents are fab.

Lou,

I would be careful about your father paying towards a mortgage which has effectively been joint. You do not want to end up giving your ex husband money from your family!

I would talk this through very carefully both with the building society and solicitor first.

Your parents are wonderful Lou. I an certain he cant pull out of paying mortgage while you are pregnant and fir a certain amount of time after the baby is born. You may then find maintenance payments cover the mortgage.

One day at a time.

Just to let you know, one day you will trust another man again. I promise you, they're not all like him. People like your ex make up a tiny minority. The majority of men are loyal, trustworthy and loving.

Wishing you all the best for the next two days. Hope you get the answers you need.

X

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck today. Hope all goes well and is not too stressful.

Hello Lou. I don't think anyone can prepare for slimey bastards tbh. I appreciate this is very early days but after my brush with Dr Death aka hideous husband I went into therapy and stayed there for years. It was the best thing I did and changed the landscape of my life. I know it wasn't my 'fault' that he was like he was but you can't help but go over everything. It is one of the travesties of being a victim of another person's heinous behaviour that the victim inevitably blames themselves at least on some level... actually, quite a high level, especially to begin with . How can you possibly have known what he was up to? What he has done is no reflection on you at all - you couldn't possibly have added the signs together and come up with what was the worst possible case scenario. It is not your fault.

Dolly, how adorable to hear from you

Morning lou. I hope things go well at the building society today. You deserve some good news!

Hi Lous. Yes get legal advice on the family putting money into the mortgage. My brother is probably going to give me some money to reduce my mortgage, but it cant be done until the financial settlement is agreed and we are divorced, otherwise twunt could claim on it.

I totally understand the blindsided feeling. Its awful when it comes out of the blue. My STBXH says that his feelings changed over a period of time. It hurts me like hell that he was still sleeping with me during that time. i want to know how long I was living a lie for and he cant/wont tell me.

Again its one of those things that can only ease with time until you get to the point that it it doesnt matter any more.

Good luck with your appointments today xx

I've just read both of your threads , your husband's behaviour literally defies belief. Your strength and calm in the face of everything he has put you through is amazing. I know it is gut wrenching in every possible way, but from what you have described of your relationship and his behaviour, I am glad that you are getting the chance to build a life without him.

I agree with larry, tread carefully when it comes to sinking your Dad's money into a mortgage that is still jointly in H's name. Maybe your Dad should get some legal advice too if he wants to proceed?