Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

Hello Lou, delurking to say I think you are coping really well. Have you thought about phoning the utility companies with a final reading for ChutneyTwat and say that you are the new resident and want to register yourself as the bill payer? It's what would happen if somebody new moved into the house, and it would take away his control and your fear of the bills not being paid. Best wishes and good luck!

Good plan Witch! Hope you have a good day today Lou. I'm glad you have so many great people around you.

How is Lou going to pay the bills? She has only a part time salary.

She needs her husband to continue paying for house and utilities for as long as possible. Here's hoping her solicitor will be able to work out some sort of mutually agreed arrangement.

Morning all. I watched the Olympic highlights show this morning and when Mo got his second gold I just sat and cried and cried for about half an hour. Good to get it out. Just felt so alone at watching on my own, when I know it's something that him and I would have shared and enjoyed during good times. And I know he'll have watched it with someone else and enjoyed it with her. It's simple things like this that make me feel so shit.

Slept ok, but still feel overwhelming tired all the time.

Felt a slight victory last night. His Dad rang my Dad, they are away on holiday, hence why they haven't responded to calls. They had NO idea he's having an affair, NO idea where he's living and are appalled at what he said about the baby (the 'inconvenience of it'). Not a lot else they really can say, but they've said they cannot get hold of him on his mobile and have no idea where is and are 'deeply ashamed' of him.

Obviously it might not go any further than this, but what it does illustrate is how much he's isolated himself. They were also appalled that he will not reveal where he is to anyone. It's his birthday on Wednesday and no one will know where to send cards (that's if anyone does). I don't know, but I can imagine the pressure of just being 'them two' will pretty soon get to him. I hope his veneer is already rubbing off and he's shitting his pants.

I have this massive desire to ask someone to follow him from work and to find out where he's living so we can let the OW know I'm pregnant. I would love his fake little world to come crumbling around HIM within days.

Re: solicitors and building society, have made a comprehensive list of what I want to discuss and get out of any deals if possible. So making progress with that, but trying to have a restful weekend as I'm sure it'll all mount again next week.

Agree re trying to get my husband to pay for bills and or mortgage for a period of time while I get myself back on my feet. He will no doubt have moved into somewhere where there's a double income, so I'm going to stress to the solicitor that through no fault of my own I've been left in a very vulnerable financial state. I firmly believe he should contribute towards this house until I can get more money in. I'm not sure how long that will be, but am going to fight tooth and nail for this if it's possible. If I have to sell this house it'll be a long time before I can get on the property ladder again, so any short term difficulties have to be weighed up against the very long haul involved in getting a property again. So I feel very strongly about this and want a solicitor who's prepared to fight my corner. I put 20k of my inheritance into the deposit for our first house, so whilst he's always paid more of the bills (pro rota), without my input we wouldn't even have a house!

Anyway, I'm rambling,... I said I wouldn't get into this detail today!

Oh good, Lou, about his parents! Glad there's a simple explanation for not returning calls. It sounds as if there will be pressure from them for him to behave decently.

Tho' sorry that the fact they don't know his address probably does mean he's with the OW, otherwise why not tell them? Wasn't he meant to have stayed with them the weekend he left? Was that true?

Did you manage to find out anything about he address he originally gave you?

Sorry - x-post. Shouldn't be asking questions when you're trying to have a relaxing day. Please ignore them.

Just a thought re baby.....IF you were to go ahead with the pregnancy, he would have to continue to pay the mortgage until the child was 18. Get this confirmed by a solicitor but I'm pretty sure this is the case.

I'm not going to add anything to the stacks of advice here today, Lou but just to say, keep strong, keep focused. I wish you were my mate! :)

Good morning Lou,
I wouldn't change the utilities to your name yet, let him contribute for as long as possible, and the same goes for Council Tax.
In the final settlement the fact that he has contributed whilst not living at the property might be taken into consideration, but that is some time ahead, and can be faced then.

I hope it has been some comfort to you Lou, that his parents think his actions stink!

Try to enjoy the day.

Lou, delurking as I haven't got better advice that you've already had. Just wanted to mention your tiredness - a lot of it may be from the pregnancy. I was exhausted for much of my first trimesters, shatteringly so. It got better after about the 12 weeks mark.

Hope your anger gives you clarity on what you need to do to secure your future. I'm rooting for you !!

Lou, the truth will out re ow, they will be spotted/bump into someone, who will tell someone else. I fould out who ow was via someone who worked with my Dsis who knew both me and my DH. She had bumped into DH and ow who invited her to join them , my Dsis was at work telling all and sundry what had happened, that DH had upped and left, this friend then twigged who she was referring to and told her everything she needed to know as she knew OW as well.

Tbh this was 6 weeks after he had left, like you nobody knew where he was, I could contact at his office or mobile, that was it and we had 4dcs! I wish I had your strength at that time and I think, with hindsight, I would have employed the services of a private detective just to find out for sure exactly what was going on. People say what they are doing doesn't matter but when you are left with no answers, no contact etc, it helps with your healing to know facts ie where he is and who he is with.

My DH only told one person what he was doing, who he was with and where he was (a dubious male friend who would support him in his choices . Your H is probably the same hence not telling his parents who would pull him up on his outrageous behaviour. My dh's were so deeply ashamed at what DH had done, his mum was on the phone to me in tears in the early hours unable to sleep apologising as she felt responsible as he was her son.

I think this relationship will probably be blown out of the water when it is shown the full light of day.

Good luck with the appointment tomorrow, it's good you are taking support.

Take care.

Lou, Its a good idea to get someone to follow your H, someone he doesnt know, in a car he wont recognise. I cant help feeling though, that he may well be expecting something like that to happen, and be on the lookout. It`s the sort of thing his calculating mind would think of. Well worth a try though, and a lot less expensive than a PI.

Relax as much as you can today, ready for whatever next week throws at you. Get the Kleenex out for tonight`s closing show.......well, until Macca comes on screeching again!........apologies to any fans. He was great back in the day, but now.......Oh dear.

morning Lou. Im glad his parents have responded and in what seems like a genuine sensible response. I rang my MIL after my STBXH left and she said "oh well, these things happen, its his decision isnt it".

I said but he has just walked out without me having a clue that he was even unhappy, he has walked out on his daughter and he has been texting another woman. She said "oh I can assure you that theres nothing like that going on. people split up all the time nowadays, sadly"

and that was the extent of the support that I had from her........ if my brother did that to his wife, my parents would be horrified and tell him exactly what they thought!

of course you expect his parents to stand by him, but they dont need to back what he is doing , which is what my MIL did. (but they are a weird disfunctional family who dont get on with anybody, so.....)

Yes your H should keep on paying morally, but whether he will or not is a different thing... But while his name is on the mortgage, he is responsible for at least his half of that.

I hope you enjoy your day, take it easy xx

I wonder if theres a mumsnetter nearby who would follow him!

It's great to know that whatever happens you've got a full set of supportive grandparents if you decide to have the little one.

I'm glad they are ashamed of him. They should be.

I knew someone whose H left her for the OW. His parents were so disgusted with him they sided with their DIL and DGC, as they were afraid of losing contact with them!

hope you have as peaceful day as possible. of course you are so tired, early pregnancy does that but so does dealing with all the shock and emotional stuff too. so both together with floor you, so try and rest if you can. glad his parents have responded in the way they have, they sound genuinely baffled by his behaviour. the more he isolates himself the more he will try and rewrite history to suit his appalling behaviour and it will seem like its him and ow against the world. but they are both living in a bubble, and we all know that bubbles burst. it is hard doing stuff, even watching things on television that you would have enjoyed as a couple. i still find this difficult. i was supposed to go to a bbq yesterday and was looking forward to it, but just couldn't face it in the end, because there would have been so many happy couples there, and it would have hit me all over again. but it does get easier, and you are doing so well and i admire your strength. i think you're an incredible woman and you will have a future ahead of you that you deserve, but you have to go through all this now, to get there.

Hi Lou, i'm glad chutney's dad got in touch. it must give you a bit of satisfaction that they definitely know what a shit they have for a son, also that they know your side of things. I think it will transpire that he has lied hugely to the OW about things and it must be becoming clear that he cannot 'control' the situation and contain the truth unless he does isolate himself and OW. How long this will last who knows but the truth will eventually come out. (thats if my hunch is correct!!!)

What a horrible way to treat people though. It would have been far easier to be honest in the first place huh? Liars are stupid (IMO) it makes things much much harder in the long run and i bet he's shitting himself.

You are doing fabulously well, although it doesn't feel it i'm sure, but you are!!!. the tiredness probably is the pregnancy. I was exhausted for the first 10 weeks with both of mine.

xxxxx

Just checking in Lou to see how you are. Hope you're managing to have a restful day and glad to hear about the reaction of your PIL's.

Nothing constructive to add I'm afraid, you're getting a lot of great advice on this thread, so just wanted to send support.

Take care. x

Lou, before you get your fighting gear to keep the house, ring the current mortgage provider and ask them if, with your salary, you will be able to take on the mortgage. If they say no, ring an independant mortgage advisor and ask how much you can borrow in your salary and in order to keep the house. If they news are not good... try to get to terms with the idea of finding a new place. You can get the court to give you the possibility to stay in the house but at the end of the day, if you can't find a mortgage big enough to keep it, you will need to move anyway, so don't waste the tens of thousands of pounds it will cost to defend that position in court unless you can get that mortgage after you have deducted your legal costs.

Unfortunately, his dreadful behaviour and adultery have no bearing on the separation of assets. If he is cohabitating with the OW, you may get to keep a slightly higher % of the assets as his housing needs will less than yours. Your needs will also be considered, if the house is big, and there are no more assets, you might be considered "over housed".

I had a three bedroom house, nothing big, but good location, a child, and an exh who earns 6 times my salary. No avail. The court deemed that he couldn't pay to house himself and to keep paying the marital home mortgage so they ordered for the house to be put on sale so we could both get 2 small flats even when he said in court he was cohabitating with the OW. It has taken me years to recover myself from that overbearing sense of injustice. So, choose your battles and don't get in any that is already lost.

I am so pleased that his parents are appalled at his behaviour. Long may that last!!

My STBXH called our children 'inconveniences' in emails to the OW. It actually helped me to realise what a know he is and that I don't need it in my life. He has since apologised for that, saying "inconveniences was used totally out of context and was a crude and utterly wrong word to use" No shit Sherlock? They are your kids!

at Music - your ex is a turdy wanker!

Hope you've had a nice day, Lou.

yes music, he is a twunt of the highest order isnt he. I knight him Sir Twunt!

actually no, probably Chutney should be Sir Twunt..........

Lou - seeing a financial advisor is good advice. Ive seen mine and he has got me loads more mortgage than I could have got on my own.

Is it manageable, though, SkyeBlue? I desperately didn't want to sell my bro's flat when he died (central London, ground floor, garden; fantastic for when we needed to go down for something) and I found several mortgages which would have covered what we needed to pay off db's debts, but we couldn't afford the monthly cost. I will regret it for the rest of my life I think, but sometimes needs must.

Lou, it is very tempting to let sentiment get the better of you, but it's not always the right thing to do. No idea what's right in your situation, I'm not advising you at all on that, just saying.