Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

Sounds like a good day!

It can seem a bit overwhelming when everyone piles in to help all at once; I was a victim of arson once (I should stress, I wasn't there when it happened so not an actual survivor in that sense) and trying to deal with everyone who wanted to help out in some way almost became an additional burden on occasion. Mind you, I did get one email from a friend saying 'oh, that's a shame. Anyway, are the guys cute in the town where you're working? Maybe we can go out some time'. Err, yeeees. THAT was my top priority!

Take it easy. Keep posting.

Your support network sounds fab! You realise who your friends are when shit like this happens, believe me.

A list is a very good idea for your meeting and I'm glad you're going accompanied.

Hope you've got something planned for tomorrow too? If you find yourself alone, I loved solo cinema visits and going to galleries or museums. It really helped me to switch off to get lost in a film or painting (museums have nice tea rooms too!) Dog walking is also brilliant as you're outside and nothing cheers me up than watching a happy dog playing! Plus the closing ceremony tomorrow night looks brilliant so a night in with some popcorn, ice cream and a mate or two could work?

You seem so positive and together. Well done - I wish I'd been half as strong as you x

I'm not that together at all, I'm currently looking on his departmental web page to see if I can find out who the OW is. Doing it in a bit of a sleepy daze, realise I'm wasting my time, but consider this all part of the inevitable grieving process.

Lou, it's 6 months to the day that my H left me after 10 years of emotional and financial abuse. He was a serial shagger for the past 10 years and I put up with it 'for the children'. At 21 and 18 they tell me they wish I'd walked years ago. With hindsight, I wish I had. We'd have been OK.

I don't know who OW is. She is (at least) his 4th in 10 years. He will never gain happiness through OW, the damage is within him.

You will be happy again (whether or not you have the baby). It's a cliche, but it's far better to be alone than to be in an unhappy marriage.

Lou, when my 10 yr relationship ended, overnight, no idea an OW even existed, I was so desperate for information I used to ring the DM horoscope line every day - as if Jonathan Cainer could give me a clue. Bonkers! You sound exceptionally sane by comparison.

I'm sure it will all come out. Nothing like an academic institution for gossip. People will have suspected something was going on and he won't be able to hide the fact that he has left home. I disagree with posters who say the OW and his current whereabouts are an irrelevance. Knowing what's happening helps you feel in control and stops you being taken by surprise.

What did his parents say to your father? Are they in the dark, too?

Lou, you might not think you're fantastic but we do. You can take this 'man' on and beat him. We're all rooting for you. All the best.

I agree, it's all part of the process. Everybody says detach, but it's really hard to do that as I am finding out.

Of course we want to hear the minutiae of your day! So glad you have people coming out of the woodwork for you!

Hope you have a restful day tomorrow, and time to get your head together.

You really are fantastic. It hasn't taken much for us to see that, and your neighbour's have seen it too - makes you wonder from their comments how he actually behaved towards you.

Lou, you are going to find out all the nitty gritty details, in the fullness of time, so it`s good that you have had a few relatively "quiet" days, surrounded by people who care. For tonight and tomorrow, put it all away if you can, and relax with your lovely cats. I suspect that from Monday onwards things will not be as "quiet", and you will need to once again draw on those reserves of strength that you have shown all along......and you will.

Yes, tomorrow I have another neighbour coming round for a cup of tea in the morning, and then in the afternoon my brother and SIL are coming over. Then on Monday another friend is coming over. I just want to keep every network open at the moment - family, friends AND neighbours. I'm very scared then in a few weeks it'll all stop though,......

Again, I am desperate to keep this house. Selling it, with all the hassle and expense it will involve, will probably cost as much and give me more stress then keeping it for the next few months. I'm adament about this. Even if it means taking in a lodger (an option, but not thinking too far ahead) then I'll do it. Lodger has got to be quiet and not mind cat hair!!

Always feel surprisingly 'ok' in the evenings, tired, but strong. And I'm able to saviour the quiet in the house. No shouting, no stomping, no fear of him starting an argument or criticising me. I can go to bed not wondering when he'll come up and join me (which was always much later than me, probably because he was texting her downstairs). Keep trying to remember these bad times. It's hard, because it's only really been 'him' for the last few months, but I have to hold onto what he turned into, not what he was when I married him.

Re: his parents. My Dad has left several messages on their phone and they are simply ignoring him. We now think that he may have told them about the pregnancy and perhaps asked them not to take our calls. Also concerned they are going to question the validity of the pregnancy, so my Mum is going to ring the Drs and ask them to confirm that I only found out on Monday, after having been told I'd had a chemical pregnancy by the fertility clinic. So I'm going to also get that in writing for the solicitor as well.

Jeez, so much to think about. I hope you all have a good Saturday evening.

Night night all. xx

Night night sweetie. Sleep well. x x x

Keeping busy is definitely a good thing, as long as you don't feel obliged to entertain them.....

You may find yourself talking a lot to the cats, and having either the radio or tv on - I don't live alone but when DH is away I find myself having lengthy conversations with the dogs who listen in a very polite sort of way. Your cats probably do the same and then say to each other "enough about you, what about our dinner?" It is not a sign of madness (except when other people catch you).

Lou, if you can afford one, a good gumshoe would answer all your questions for you in about a week.

It might be a good investment. Trying to find out where he is, who he is with, etc., can become an obsession and distract you from Job Number One, which is keeping control of your finances.

You may expect him to question the paternity of your baby, sad to say. This tack might occur to him because of the infertility issues up to now.

WRT his parents -- seems the apple doesn't drop too far from the tree...

Am angry on behalf of your parents, funny enough. They come across as truly decent souls.

Yeah, I thought of that, I'm waiting for him to claim it was the postman!! I wish it WAS the postman,..........!

Am I right in thinking you work for a University Lou? Could they have a network that would help you find a Lodger?.#

It takes a while to get used to your new 'normal'.

Even though it is horrible, the tension and 'fear' become your normality and it is what you know, and almost feel comfortable with.
So after they have gone, mixed with the relief, is an extraordinary sense of uncertainty that what you understand as normality, has gone.
Like the old cliche of getting used to silence after 'noise' has stopped. It can be deafening.

Could you plan a Night Class or OU course for when you feel this chapter is over? So as people perhaps do start to ease off a little, there is something in it's place.

He may well have his Parents as deceived as he does you Believing him to be a great guy.

My ExMil never saw her son drunk, angry and raging, so had no possible way of comprehending the man that had myself and our DC's frightened to put a step out of place for fear of upsetting him.
After 3 years, she finally said something yesterday that indicated she might have some understanding of what we had been through.
It was a mute point after so long.

Yes - I can see why they might feel they have to keep quiet about his situation, but how rude just to ignore your father's calls. You're their daughter in law, not some passing floozie.

This reminds me of my H soon to be x.

He is like a different person towards me, the things he is saying doing are wacko, the lies and decipt involved is not unbelievable as he was a complusive liar.

My Dc do not want to see him, they think he has gone "crazy" .

See him in court.

Stay angry strong, the hurt will pass, give it time to grieve be like a webble, have wibble have a wabble but you WILL NOT fall down!

Take care of yourself.

My goodness, what a crap time you are having, yet you sound so, so together.

Re: his parents not responding to your Dad's contact with them. They must feel very torn - I don't know what your relationship was like with them before this. They have probably been fed copious amounts of bullshit from him, and maybe feel quite ashamed of him or confused by the whole situation? Perhaps that is why they have not responded to your Dad?

Sleep well, Lou. Hope the awakening isn't too bad; it will get better and easier.

Don't worry about your ILs, your dad's letting off steam and trying to be supportive. Just let it wash over you atm, you have other things to do.

Have a good day.

LouP. I'm delurking. You are doing amazingly well. I know how hard it is to hear people saying 'oh you are so strong' when you are wondering what the alternative is and just about surviing every day/

I just wanted to say, with regard to the utilities. Can you call them and say, he does not live here anymore, I need you to send the bills to me? When I moved in to my house none of the utilities had been cancelled, and they seemed to take on trust that the previous person had moved out and I was here now.

He needs to be paying you personal maintenance direct so you can deal with these bills. From now. Do ask your solicitor about this please.

Thinking of you and willing you on.

Lou just to let you know I'm still here, still available for you if you need me. I'm off down south for a few days, leaving in the next couple of hours, but I shall lurk and I'm only at the end of the phone if you need me.

Stay strong, I feel very proud of you and your strength every time I read a post from you.

Very unMNy hugs for you too xx

Lou you are amazing and are obviously treasured by everyone who knows you.

Re Chutneytwunt: I think you must always assume the worst of him. He may at some time try to manipulate you with kindness- he loves you, he misses you, he made a mistake you could keep the baby and be a family together... if he tries this number just assume that he is distracting you from some massive legal knockout punch. It is hard for you as a person of integrity to imagine how duplicitous he can be.

I loved hearing about the minutiae of your day - hope you have many more lovely days to report to your supporters here.

Morning Lou I hope you slept well, I have been following and I cannot add anything to the excellent advice you are getting and you are doing absolutely the right thing building a wide support network.

The sun is shining where I am today so I hope it is for you too. Your solid calm and dignity is awesome ... Keep it up Lou you being happy in the future is the best payback for chutney chops and karma will bite his bum sooner or later .

Enjoy your day xx