Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

Morning LOU

What a nasty piece of shit he is. Like everyone else he is planning something and you can assume now that he is living with the OW at tis undisclosed address.

How much lower than can this twunt stoop. You need to see a solicitor asap to thwart whatever he is scheming to do.

Your pregnancy ( which although you don't see it just now--l think was MEANT to be from the powers above whoever they are- as there is no greater love than the love you get unconditionally from a child) has put a spanner in his plans and he now will be seen as the fucker who left his pregnant wife for OW rather than the fucker who left for a wee while to try to "save " his marriage.

No more contact-do not engage with him. Contact now through email or solicitor. You have to protect yourself.

You don't have to make any decisions re pregnency for a while yet. Please just concentrate on getting your head sorted and your estate in order.

Hope you have a restful day.

(PS if l win the lottery l will buy him out the house for you-promise)

What a cold calculating twat he is, Lou. You really are well rid of him and I agree that he is setting up a plan regarding your house in the event of a divorce.

I don't think you can change the name on the accounts of the utility bills without his authorisation, twat!

Stay calm and have a nice morning with your friend .

when i changed the utility bills into my name after my ex walked out the utility companies needed authorisation from him first. so he had to cancel the direct debits and tell them he had left the marital home, before i could contact them and set up new direct debit accounts in my name, it was a bit long winded, and because i couldn't really deal with my ex at the time i got my solicitor to contact him to ask him to do this, which he did. hth

Thanks, I have calmed down a bit now. The mail is being redirected from the middle of next week, and as I'm seeing the solicitor on Tuesday I realise there's little to do or panic about just yet. He wouldn't be welcome back in this house, all the nieghbours know and would stone him to death, stupid idiot, does he really think he could show his face around here again?

I've rang the Utility companies (well 2 of them) and they've said as the accounts are in his name he can stop them at any time and I do not have to be notified, but as I am in the house I become liable. Again, they've said don't do anything until I get legal advice, so got to try and be patient. Problem is I'm only seeing the solicitor for 30 'free minutes' on Tuesday, so got to try and suss very quickly if I'm happy with them and then get the ball rolling asap. I know it sounds immature, but I am very keen to get the next strike in.

The comment about him working full time and ploughing more money into the house should be balanced out by the fact that when we first bought a house I paid the deposit entirely. It came out of my inheritance. So I've definitely put in as much as him overall, if not slightly more.

God, I am so angry. Thank you everyone.

Wait til Tuesday to get advice -there is a presumption of joint house ownership in marriage so it's more complex than I pay the bills.

Also you do need to talk about the baby with the lawyer as that does make a difference to how the divorce will unfold. As others have said , you can take your time to make decision about baby but you do need to understand legally where you stand.

So sorry you are going through all this and seems shock after shock but you are doing really well.

Lou- angry is good.

Wouldn't it just be easier all round if you moved Lou?

At the moment the house is the way he can get to you, it is full of things to hurt yourself with and you can't even sleep in your bedroom and are now waiting for the utilities to be cut off without warning.

If this was me I would be going to a solicitor and getting all communication sent through them, I'd be moving out and putting the house on the market ASAP.

X-post. You need to tell the solicitor about the pregnancy too as it affects the support you would be entitled to from him.

What an arse! Are you still intending to go to 'counselling' with him on Monday?

After all the stunts he has pulled I cannot believe he still has the brass neck to describe this as a temporary separation and him wanting to make things work .

I honestly don't know what to suggest - other posters have been far more helpful than I could ever be in the practical sense.

I know timescale doesn't allow for it but it's a shame you can't show up on Monday, let him dig himself an enormous hole talking crap and then serve him divorce papers there and then in person.

Don't let him affect your decision re the pregnancy either way - I know legally he will have to be involved if you decide to go ahead (although given his track record so far I wouldn't be surprised if that turned out to be minimal and short-lived), but morally he has forfeited any rights whatsoever with regard to you and this pregnancy.

Think about what you want.

Lou the fact you worked part time as you were building a family home is irrelevant. I'd be stressing how much he encouraged you to do so to support his career and given your academic qualifications it is clear to see you are more than capable of having a career too.

He will have to maintain the home fully certainly until you have the baby and complete maternity leave and a more permanent arrangement is made. Then with maintenance and an increase in hours you may find you can afford your home.

If not, believe me there is another home out there where you will be happy. It is a lovely home because you made it so. Not because of him.

Hello there, as another poster said, I can't offer any advice over and above the excellent and supportive advice that has already and will continue to be provided by other MNs...but i wanted to say that I think you are doing amazingly well and I truly hope that you overcome this and are able to move on. I pop on every now and again and am dumbfounded at what your H has done and is putting you through. You are worth millions more than this. Stay strong, Sx

I second TRANSFERRING the utilities into your name - if you need tiding over, your dad would help you out wouldn't he? For goodness sake, you won't be able to prove you live there ... while he will

Good fighting talk there, Lou, keep it up!

It is a lovely home because you made it so.

This needs re-stressing, Lou :) You've done it before, you can do it again.

Just wanted to say if you have anything in joint names (eg mortgage) any post about it will still come to your house and not be redirected. The person who sold our house to us redirected his post but not his ex wifes so we still get her post and their joint post so if anything does happen with your mortgage you should be the one to get the paperwork x x

Perhaps you can have a list of things to take with you to the solicitor, Lou?

1. Moving out 'temporarily' yet taking all personal items (including chutney!) which implies permanence in the step.

1. Affair

1. Physical and emotional abuse

1. Redirection of post. Again, if moving out is 'temporary' why is there a need to do this?

1. Pregnancy

It's your home too and if you have given up time and income to build a home with the intention of raising a family (and I'd be tempted to lay on thick about the leaving you stranded issues that have happened at difficult times in the past), then you should be as entitled to it as he is.

To my thinking, the fact that he has removed every trace of himself and every personal belonging from the home suggests he doesn't want to be in it.

I wonder if you might consider posting in the 'legal' section of MN (guessing there is one) to see if anyone there can offer you advice from a professional perspective?

Hi Lou,

He just gets shittier and shittier.

Just a quick post but is it worth having a longer session with the solicitor next week? I know you get 30 free minutes but you have lots of questions and your situation is complicated. Solicitors charge about £150 - £220 per hour. This might be money well spent at this early stage so you can leave the meeting having covered everything you wanted to.

Of course you probably want to see how you get on with the solicitor. Be prepared for lots of tears but they are TOTALLY used to this.

Keep that anger..... you need to feel it for the fight ahead. And YOU WILL WIN

Hope you have an OK day xxxxxx

Every time you post on herer LouP you make me more convinced that the utter knob never did deserve such a strong awesome woman as you.

You will come out of this a much better person. The sort of fine upstanding human that he can only dream of being.

You are an inspiration to me even though I am a mere male.

You will be happy again and when you are you can poke that slimeball back under his stone with the OW who frankly deserves him. He has no doubt lied through his pathetic teeth to her too.

Keep strong.

You can do it.

Treat yourself to something special tomorrow, treat yourself gently.

You are special.

Morning Lou. Sorry nothing of practical help to add but just want to show my support. You are doing brilliantly m'dear. You've got great RL support and 100's of MNers cheering you on.

I doubt he's gone far too. He won't really grasp what a total shit he's been as he's only seeing it from the perspective of how much he is suffering from all this. Plus, he'll have acolytes telling him how hard this must be on him and how much he simply must make sure his brilliant work doesn't suffer...

Some academics are in a bubble from RL. I strongly suspect he's one of these.

Take care. x

I was going to suggest posting in legal too. There are some lovely solicitors who hang around there and offer good advice. It might be worth posting in there, briefly outlining (well, pretty much what GeoffVader said), and asking what to ask the solicitor on tuesday, and which bits are the most important to focus on.

You are doing brilliantly, keep going.

Dearest Lou

The Chutney King has done this trick with the post just to rattle you, and it looks as if he is succeeding. Thinks he is being clever, and he thinks he's going to win. He will not. These bastards may win the very occasional battle but they never ever win the war. I should know. My exH is a fat ugly alcoholic now, married to the OW (whose life is a misery, she never spends a weekend at home with him) and they have a poor 15-year-old daughter who is constantly ill or in hospital.

Does he not realise that this action of his just confirms that he is living with droopy drawers. Your mortgage company and all utility companies should all be aware of your need for bills/mortgage to be paid and that it isn't good enough for payments to be summarily stopped by him and you don't know about it. Anyway maybe the lawyer - if you decide to instruct him/her - will want to do something about this on your behalf. He/she may also suggest engaging the services of a private investigator to find out where he is living and with whom. Let it happen - I would love it if you were able one day soon to break radio silence and text him: I know you are living at XX XXXXX XXX and that you are living there with The Honourable Lady Lucy Lastic.

Chin up chucky, you are doing great. x x x

lou, have you got your marriage certificate? you will definitely need this (or your solicitor will). my solicitor went through a lot of their companies costs and admin stuff at the first meeting and found out that i was able to get legal aid, that sort of stuff. she also told me about applying for tax credits, etc. it might be worthwhile writing out a list of 'unreasonable behaviour' as my solicitor needed 5 incidents of this (they can be things like staying out all night, not being involved in family life, stuff like that). they do definitely need the certificate in order to issue divorce petition though. hth.

Hi Lou. My solicitor said that if the house is in joint names then legally it is 50/50 regardless if who paid what etc. BUT I sold my old house and had £88k which went into this place. So I'm stating it should be owned only one third by him. This gives him about £25k equity instead if £37.5k. And we have only paid off &15k in six years of mortgage do I'm arguing that that is as much as he is entitled to especially as he'd had £8k to pay his loan off. Sorry to ramble on but wanted to show you it's not always clear cut. Take evidence of your inheritance and the deposit paid , to your solicitor as mine attached it to form E as proof.

Any joint post will still come to you. Most if our bulls were in my name anyway simply because I had a house before and he didn't. You need to contact the council anyway to get the discount on the council tax do I presume they would transfer to your name. My one joint bill was water and they closed the account and opened another one.

My advice on tax credits stands too, see if you are entitled to anything now he has gone. Once you are in the system they usually backdate the claim.

stay strong, you are doing really well.

I know that the baby is a major difficult decision but if you do proceed you will have more rights over the house and more money do you shouldn't worry about that.

Oooh look at that control freak go! Wow, you've really rattled his cage by taking some of his control away and - lo and behold - he strikes back. Not so reasonable and nice now is he! But since he took every single bit of paper relating to the house we knew this was coming.

I'm glad you've got that solicitor's appointment sorted, although 30 mins isn't long. If you like this solicitor I'd do what you can in that half hour and make another appointment asap if you want to go ahead.

Yes, i'm sure people here can advise you further re the House and Bills. As you paid the Deposit and are pregnant that may go in your favour.

However i agree that if it is going to get messy and stressy i would be tempted to get it up for sale and find somewhere to rent for the immediate future. Cut your losses and start afresh. He will use the house to exert control. I know you love the house, area and neighbours but there will be other houses. You may not have to move too far if you calculate your finances.

I think i would want rid because it would remind me of him but i understand it's your home and you love it. I'm just thinking practically.
Up to now you've been very reasonable and he is used to you being passive. When he contacts you again please tell him to only contact you via your parents or solicitor. Do not reply to nay more fuckwit manipulative self righteous texts. He is a poor excuse for a man.

Dear Lou,

When you go to the solicitors there will be an enormous amount of stuff to go through and to take in, in not very much time. I think you will find the appointment easier and more productive if you have done some thinking through beforehand with some legal knowledge behind it.

Therefore it might be a good idea to post here in legal with a summary (and a link to this and your previous thread: I'm sure someone can tell you how to do that) so as to hopefully get some introductory thoughts/advice for you to process before the meeting next week.

When you go to the meeting, would it be a good idea for someone to come with you and take notes? I know that when I have been to traumatic appointments, that no matter how much I concentrate or think I am remembering, I can't remember very much clearly at all when I leave. And if you take your own notes, that takes time and headspace away from your thinking, if you know what I mean.

Good luck.