Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

That's the thing, really isn't it? When you've been in someone's shadow for a long time, you're not sure who you are any more, what you like, how you do things etc. It's a journey of discovery getting yourself back without that influence of what he liked, what he thought, what he wanted.

Lou, you have this journey ahead of you. It is easy to get a bit derailed in the beginning - doing things just because they're the opposite of what he would have liked or done - but somehow, I don't think you will. You have so many people around you who care about you, and you have such integrity, your path is blessed.

I just wish WE (i.e. him and I) could have an honest, frank practical discussion about what we're going to do.
(1) What you really want is the feeling that you are not launched on a roller coaster without any warning or preparation.
You can achieve the effect of getting your feet firmly back on the ground without having any conversation whatsoever with the Ex. In fact, you are likely to feel you have been propelled into outer space if you talk with him - he will mess with your mind and you will end up thinking you are going crazy.
Do not depend on your Ex to do anything but leave you feeling flattened.

The way to get your feet back on the ground is to do exactly what you have planned to do, which is see the Building Soc and the solicitor.
Eating/sleeping and trying to get a routine going will help too.

On top of losing my marriage and my future, I hate the nastiness, the game playing, the second guessing what someone is planning to do. It's just not me at all, I don't want to live my life this way
(2) That is the roller coaster.
Hang in there. Divorce can be wrenching and you will be shocked at what the person you thought you knew is capable of.

And yet I know he doesn't deserve my honesty at the moment, so I also have to keep my cards close to my chest. This isn't who I am, and I feel he knows it and is going to take advantage of it too.
(3) That's the spirit.
BUT - don't blame yourself for one minute for being a normal, decent human being though.
This is all on him. Sorry to say, he would have done this to anyone. It just happened to be you.

Just a thought.. are yours or his patents the type to try to persuade you to 'try for the sake of the (possible) baby', or 'forgive him his little mistake, you can work it out, remember yoir marriage vows'? If so, you may need to devise a strategy to keep them out of the equation. In my experience parents can be very good at self delusion with regards to their child's happiness, in order to shield themselves from hurting for you iyswim.

patents = parents, sorry

I suspect your Dad feels helpless and wants to do something to help you. He's fighting your corner - you're so very lucky to have some lovely people around you. That all those friends, neighbours and relatives have come scrambling to help should demonstrate to you what sort of person you are - someone who people care about and want to protect when something goes wrong. The failings are not yours here, they are his.

I feel for your parents, they must be wanting to take a swing at chutneytwat by now. It can't make anything worse as long as you carry on with your plans - which is all you can do really. It's quite nice to feel people are batting for you, isn't it.

Lol at the two weeks in Spain. Maybe when you start dating again you could steer the first conversations around to ideal holidays. That would weed them out! Mind you, one of the great things about other people is that they expand your mind. I thought I hated beach holidays... until I actually went on one with a friend. Though I am more a deserted beach in Greece girl than two weeks in Marbella.

When you wake up tomorrow and it all hits ypu again could you have a mantra ready? 'I WILL reconquer Cornwall!'

Thinking of you x

WOO HOO for Lou's Dad. Hope he gives ChutneyArse and the parents both barrels.

I agree maintaining your dignity and playing your cards close to your chest is definitely the right thing to do. But let a few rottweilers out. Chutney needs a little reminder you have an army of support around you.

x

I think I may love your parents! Hope you have had a nice day and that he is getting told some home truths from his parents. x

Hello again, garlicnuts your comment made me smile (when you said about cooking nice meals and sitting at a table), because I'm just having a small bowl of cornflakes for dinner. Oh well, may be too soon to worry about proper meals yet, just grateful I'm managing to eat a bit.

Just had a long conversation on the phone with another friend, I'm SO tired, wish I could just switch my brain off. But I can't.

Signing off today, thank you all for keeping me going, no doubt back tomorrow. When I don't hear from him I feel a (relative) sense of equilibrium and peace, so I guess I have to keep that in mind. And after my cousin had left I lay on the bed (the bed in the spare room of course) and just listened to the peace. No more stomping and swearing and someone picking for arguments just to justify why they're about to leave (unknown to you). Utter heartbreak and devastation, but no more fear. That is the one thing I'm trying to saviour in all this.

Good night. x

Good night Lou. Wishing you restful and restorative sleep, for apeaceful weekend x

Hope you have a peaceful night, Lou

Every day that goes by is another battle won. Keep strong! x

By the way I couldn't eat anything at the start of pregnancy, just had no appetite. Once I found I could stomach tinned peaches, toast and chicken fillets I stuck to them for 5 months. Then I ate like there was no tomorrow but there you go!

Lou, you have a great spirit.

Hey Lou, hope you're getting a good night's sleep. At this stage, every day will bring a different perspective in your "journey".

I remember the early wakening stage, feeling woozy as I woke up, then as reality hit, feeling desperate, sad, angry - the lot!

Anger is a good, healthy reaction to your situation. If you can find an outlet for it (I used to run - like hell!!) eg writing him a letter (which you don't send) or talking to him as if he was in the room - and telling him out loud exactly what you think of him!

I also lost weight on the "divorce diet" - with hindsight I would have taken a hot meal at work at lunchtime & had simple stuff in the cupboards/fridge eg sandwiches, soup, fruit, yoghurt, odd microwave meal.

Congratulate yourself for having got through another day, especially with your pride, dignity & decency intact. You might not realise it till later, but you are doing really well.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing that your father has contacted Chutney's parents. Who knows what Chutey's been telling them?! Possibly a lot of lies, so it may not be a bad thing for them to hear the truth.

Anyway, I hope you wake up refreshed & a little stronger xxx

I hope you get a good nights sleep Lou.

I understand the cornflakes. When STBXH left me I existed on coco pops, bananas and sandwiches. And only half a sandwich or banana at that.

Take it easy over the weekend and think of the questions for the solicitor.

Night Lou

Hope you have a restful sleep.

New here (my first post) just wanted to show my support ,i've been through similar ,,don't want to bore you with my story ,,just want you to do what is best for you.Take care x

Night Lou. Sleep well.

Hi Lou

Delurking just to say hello, and to let you know that I woke early and thought of you - I know you've said that you find mornings the hardest and that you wake early, and I hoped that knowing someone else was awake and sending you good thoughts helps in some minuscule way.

I'm sure the Loup crew will have fab advice again for you today - mine would simply be to try to protect yourself from Chutneytwunts extremely unpleasant texts. I know sometimes when I can't turn my phone off or give it to someone else, I just turn the volume off. It does reduce the whole 'did it just beep' choke chain which adds to anxiety.

You're still 'you', you know. All the qualities which you have, which Chutneytwunt has taken advantage of and danced on top of are there, and will be there in the future. Thats a good thing! What's even better is that you've displayed a strength which is awesome (as in inspiring, not teen surf dude awesome!) and which Chutneytwunt obviously wasn't expecting. Good.

This may be just me, but I always found Sundays, from about 2 onwards to be the absolute hardest time to get though. They really were the long dark tea time of the soul. All my coping distractions would have been discarded by then, tv was crap, happy families everywhere - so even if you just go to your mum n dads, make sure you aren't home alone.

Xx

Morning lovely Lou, I'm not writing too regularly as I can't give any better advice than you are already getting from the wonderful MN'ers but I always check on you, always hope that you're ok and wish that this dreadful hurt would go away for you.....

and laugh at the post which labelled that shitty bastard Chutney Rod

xx

Hello all, yes work at 5 am again with that rock in my chest. Thanks for your post mytimewillcomebutwhen, I understand the Sunday comments particularly. I have nothing planned for tomorrow and am already dreading it. But seeing 2 friends today.

Have come down the stairs to find a letter from the Royal Mail to say he's had all his mail redirected to a confidential address. This will include all the household bills which are addressed to him. I am shaking with shock and anger, I am LIVID that he's done this to me, it just seems like shock after shock and there is not an ounce of decency left in him at all. I've queried it with the Royal Mail and they say there's nothing they can do, so I will have to try and contact the utility companies and ask if they can also send me a copy of all the bills and notify when direct debits are stopped.

What a cunt. And you know what, I suspect he's not moved very far at all. I'm meeting a friend this morning in a town close to the University and I have a very strong gut feeling he will be living in this town. I just can't take any more blow after blow. Tempted to keep the pregnancy to tie the fucker down. I know this is the anger speaking, but cannot cope any more.

My desire to get revenge now is huge, and I'm not even this type of person.

Hey Lou

It will get better. The desire to get revenge can be overwhelming at times. I totally understand how it makes you want to do things out of character. This happened to me too, one day I was the quiet wouldn't harm a fly sort, the next I was having murderous thoughts.

You are doing better than you think. Just wanted to offer support

Morning Lou

What a nasty piece of work he is.

You are well rid.

Lou

Please get some advice about your house ASAP. He is trying to steal it from you.

He building a case to show that you only worked pt and he worked ft paid all the bills for the house. So you are not entilted to anything or only a very small amount of money out of it.

Can you contact the utilities companys and get the bill into your name only.

Lou, it's normal for the redirect confirmation that goes to the old house not to say where the redirection is to. In fairness, given you told him you were going to redirect his mail this seems like an obvious step for him to take.

However, what greatly concerns me is that post about the property he has abandoned, i.e. bills, can be redirected such that you can't see them. Is your name on the account as well? I googled on this and found the following on Wikivorce, which seemed to support the idea that joint correspondence would still come to your house because your mail hasn't been redirected.