Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

i still wake up early and think its all a horrible dream Lou, and my ex left early last year, but i am able to quickly shrug those feelings off now, so please do take comfort that it will be easier to manage and you will get over the horrible first stages you're having to go through. i remember raging at the unfairness of it all and trying to understand just why he had to leave. i too kept looking back and trying to piece it all together and i think i uncovered lots of lies and deception. there were lots of times ex said he was away on business and i'll never know if he was or wasn't and this really distressed me, because i just wanted to know the whole truth of it all, but he would never tell me. all he has said was that if he had stayed with me he would have had a nervous breakdown. he told his daughters this in front of me at Easter this year, and i was completely floored, because i can't think what i had done to make him so depressed. i was told by my friend to stop looking at myself for reasons and to let him take all the blame. but i keep thinking that if i had changed he might have stayed. it is very hard to not blame yourself and i'm struggling with this but please try and keep strong and go easy on yourself and take every day one at a time. my head tells me one thing that its all his fault, but my heart hasn't caught up with it, if this makes sense. i think it takes a long time to get over something like this but my friends and my family have helped me and at first i tried to cope on my own but then realised i needed them. i know it sounds stupid but i felt ashamed that my marriage had failed, and that i was robbed of the chance to put it right, because ex would never talk to me about our problems. so there is a lot of stuff to process and it takes a long time. but you will get there.

Oh yes Lou,
I feel as though he has taken all the good parts of me, my loving trusting nature, my pleasure in nurturing others, and twisted them to use against me.

On bad days, I sometimes wonder who I am.

Totally agree about reclaiming places. I used to get all sentimental when a heard certain songs but then I thought why am I giving my ex any credit for a bloody good tune that somenone else wrote and recorded. All my ex did was sing along and tap his fingers.

Reclaim Cornwall! He was never the King of Cornwall and he doesn't ever deserve to be even a blot on the beautiful Cornish landscape. I hope you do go and live there one day, Lou and end up married to a sexy Cornish surfer dude who worships you and gives you a fabulous 15 letter surname.

You'll come good. You'll see.

I am delurking because your sadness and confusion is overwhelming and I want to assure you that you will be happy again. You obviously have so much love to give please don't beat yourself up for loving him. HIS mistake for throwing that away, HIS stupidity, HIS arrogance, HIS selfishness. I promise you he will regret it in time, you will have moved on by then. As for the pregnancy, I can't help but agree with Counting; it is entirely up to you and you're not in a position to make a decision now but I can't help thinking this pregnancy has come along now for a good reason. You deserve to love and be loved, and you will be.

Well done Lou, ONE DAY AT A TIME....Hope today is a good one! xx

Dear Lou
I have followed your thread and felt woefully incapable of giving any advice that would add to what you have been given here and what you are already doing. Give yourself time, YOU alone are your priority and YOU have a right to be selfish about that. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself regularly that what is going on now is not your fault. Make the decisions that will make you happy in the future. You have been awesome in dealing with what has unfolded. Bottom line - dont invest one more second of your time looking back - choose your future - you deserve it.

BTW how amazing is MN in times like this.

Much goodwill and best wishes to you x

Much love, Lou, thinking of you. It hurts terribly now but you won't feel this way forever, so just get through a day at at time for now.

Hi Lou. Similar to Brian above, although our special place was in the south of France. He even bought a huge house there during our separation that he never declared in the divorce. I only found out about it later.
During the first month we were separated I felt the loss of that area of France even more than I felt the loss of him.
It took three years, but I went back, and it feels even more my place now because I'm not sharing it with him.

It's not easy to hear this now but you will trust again, and you will have dreams again. It's probably best if you can to literally take one day at a time now, and for the near future. Then when you're feeling better - and you will feel TONS better one day I promise you - you can start to dream again.

I think you're right to prioritise the legal side of things. I kept putting my head in the sand and you just can't do that during a divorce.

I believe in you.

Don't worry that he's taken Cornwall and your dreams of it with him - he hasn't. I know it all seems horribly raw now, but there is no reason why it shouldn't still be your favourite place and there is no reason why you shouldn't one day retire there, if that's what you still want to do. You can make new memories there and they'll be much better than the ones you have now.

I was watching a documentary a couple of weeks ago about the family of Holly Wells, who was murdered. They decided that they weren't going to let Ian Huntley take anything else from them and that they were not going to become a statistic for divorce after the loss of their daughter. And ten years on, they looked like they were doing really well - a happy, normal family - not bitter and angry like you might expect. Which goes to show that the worst thing in the world can happen to you and you can refuse to let it define you or the life you choose to live in the future.

You will get over this. It won't happen immediately, but your life will be great again and it will be better, because it won't have that lying, cheating, abusing piece of shit in it.

Hi Lou, I have followed both your threads but have not posted at all because you have had such amazing support and I am sure that I have seen a message from Chocoraisin who has been through something distressingly similar.

And I hope this isnt the wrong thing to do and I have no desire to influence your thought processes and decision making at all but I wondered if you had seen Chocoraisin's blog? It is so heartwarming to read her latest entry, I just wanted to back up all that reassurance that you have been given and that it really will be alright and you really will get through this.

bearhuntsandnewbeginnings.blogspot.co.uk/

Sending you much love and hugs Lou, like we're all doing from here on MN.

I don't have much more to offer you Lou, every time I read a new post from you to say what the bastard has txt you I'm gob smacked that he can be so callous, nasty and down right bloody evil :(

You have done nothing wrong, you sound like such a wonderfully lovely person Lou, don't let him destroy that, it's yours, inside of you.
Mornings will get better when some of the devastation and confusion is sorted out and you've had time to process everything that's being thrown at you at the moment, and I hope that in the near future that you will wake up and your first thought will be " thank fuck I'm not with that bastard" - with a huge sigh of relief- and you happily rise and see to your kitty's.

Step by step, day by day Lou - It will get better, you will be happy again, you will meet someone again and you will live your dreams (your ex didn't deserve you Lou nor to be a part of your dreams) xxxxx

Hello again,
Sorry I was so glum upthread, mornings are worse!

About eating, I now write down a little menu for three or four days at a time, based on use by dates, so that I can just open the fridge and get the meal out. I was finding that I could not cope with having to decide what to eat, so was just drinking a glass of milk instead of eating.

I try to have treats available, like posh yoghurt or small tubs of HD ice cream, and stuff like cauliflower cheese that are easy to eat.

I use internet shopping, so I don't have to see jolly couples choosing wine together, like we used to do! The other benefit of internet shopping is that you do not have to concentrate for long, which I am finding hard to do. I just book a slot and over several days, add a few things at a time from my list.

I use lists a lot, to try to maintain some shape and form and control over the chaos.

Best wishes Lou.

So much power to you, Lou - keep on eating and well done getting a solicitor's appointment. I think lists are a good plan (I love lists they make me feel more in control!), and I think you're a genius having friends come over.
Well done you for finding the support you need.

Hi Lou, sorry, x-posted earlier. The mornings are the worst, because you wake up and it all comes crashing in again, the reality of what has happened.

I know your wish that H had discussed it with you, I had exactly the same thing (he didnt clear out the house and chutney), but he did walk without talking. One of the things that I am coming to terms with through counselling, is the fact that I will probably never know the truth. My H has told me as much as he wants to, or is able to. If I try and ask him things now, he just says that he is fed up with going over the same things again and again. He doesnt recognise my need for clarity and explanations and I feel that your H is much the same.

One hour at a time, one day at a time, is the best that we can do in this situation. I am four months in now, since he walked out, three months ago today my H wrote me the nasty letter and ended our "trial separation" and our marriage for good.

I have good days, I have bad days. My DD is what keeps me going because I have to for her.

I think you are right to see the solicitor, deal with one problem at a time. Get the advice that you need to see where you stand on the house (with or without child) and it may help you to make further decisions.

I feel that my H has taken away my daughters future of a happy family life, I have grieved for him and still am and really wish that I could GET OVER IT!!! but it takes a long time. But four months on, I am doing better than I ever believed I would be. I have been on holiday with DD and booked another one for October half term, in the same place we went to last year, so that I can create new memories there with her.

I feel like my dream of Cyprus and returning to the luxury hotel where we had our honeymoon, has been taken away from me, but I will go there one day, either with a new decent man or with DD!

Do not let your H take away any of your hopes and dreams. You can do and be whatever you want, with or without him.

Sorry for the long post!

I agree with Drastic reclaim Cornwall my ex walked out on Xmas Eve 2002 leaving me with a 2 year old DD. Gradually over the years I have gone with DD to the places I used to go to with Ex and now we both have our memories of the places

If you go to Cornwall, you will have to pass where I live (kind of) so we can go on holiday together :-) Choco lives not too far away too. We can hire a big bus and pick up various MN'ers between your place and mine and take over a holiday park or something

We can call it the Chutney tour and drive around Cornwall buying chutney for you to take back and dump on your H's doorstep

(not meaning to be flippant Lou, just hoping to raise a smile) xx

Wow Lou, there are so many people on this thread and the other who have never met you, but care about you and wish you well. I hope it's some comfort. Isn't mumsnet amazing :)

It will take time but you will come through this, and one day when you are ready you will meet someone lovely and deserving of you, someone who is as capable of loving as much as you are. Because I don't think chutneyman is capable of loving anyone as much as he loves himself (just as my ex wasn't).

I just noticed the Recipe of the Week is for chutney?! Coincidence?

The Chutney Tour sounds fantastic!

Hi Lou

I'm delurking to offer my support. I'm not going to try and offer advice as so many other posters are far more eloquent than me. However, i did go through all sorts of crap when i split from exH and had to get over the years of manipulation, etc too. Unless you want to hear my story I won't bore you with it, but I can sympathise having been there in part.

One day at a time is all you can do and you will get there.

Your comments about Cornwall struck a particular chord with me. At the time I split from exH, Joss Stone was all over the radio with 'Taking Back My Life'. Now I'm not a fan of either her or the song, but it was the sentiment that was important to me. After years of being held back, I was finally able to do what I wanted, when I wanted - you can make things and places your own again.

I hope that this post doesn't sound too trite.

Wishing you all the best with mortgage company, solicitors and whatever you decide about pregnancy.

Lou, my complete c*nt of a nearly Ex - see my thread! - has taken OW to the places that

1. We had our only romantic just the two of us splash out holiday

2. The Islands we have spent the last 10 summer holidays or so with out DCs.

I dont have anything to do with him bar sorting the divorce so unless he had gone out his way to make sure I would find out, I would not have done but he has. He even made sure I knew he had been to the very bay that I have said is the my favourite place in the whole world and where I want my ashes scattering (in a daft moment as you do, .

I was shattered when I heard about each of the above holidays. I decided I could take it two ways. Give in to him, or say sod you they are MY places. I said sod you and I have been back to the latter place. I had a wonderful time and it was very very healing to do it. It felt like another milestone over. Its mine and it will always be mine and one day I know I will take someone else there who actually does give a damn about me.

When you are feeliing stronger, get yourself off to Cornwall and reclaim it for your new future.

God, you are all so amazing, I come on here and take time to read every word you all write. People in RL are helping so much, but coming on here and reading such kind and useful advice from people who don't know me means just as much too. Thank you all, I can't say it enough.

Allalonenow, I like your advice about the shopping. I can't face going into a supermarket and seeing all the things 'we' might have bought. Shopping and eating on your own is a bit miserable anyway, so I might take your advice of internet shopping.

Skyblue, love the Cornwall trip. I've been going down to Cornwall every year for 20 years. It is my 'spiritual home'. I know that sounds extremely cheesy, but there's a village I've been going back to for all these years where I just feel free, connected, and totally surrounded by beauty and peace. It is where we got married, our wedding reception pictures show all our guests paddling about in the sea. The house is full of pictures of Cornwall, places we've been to. I'm not removing them just yet,.... I introduced it to him and hopefully I can introduce it to someone else. It's just so painful because it's something we really connected over, and I mean really connected. We'd stay in a caravan, eat beans on toast, walk on the beach, all the simple stuff. It's not everyone's cup of tea, but it sums up me (and I thought us) so much, and I keep having visions of meeting someone else in the future who says he wants to spend 2 weeks all inclusive in Spain every August. :-( Which I know sounds daft.

Anyway, cousin spent the day with me, we had a good talk and a walk around the area, she took me out for a lemonade in a nice tea garden. Not heard from him today. However, I'm a bit alarmed that my Dad has rang him parents and said something along the lines of 'XXX has gone to ground, we don't know where he's living, Louise is now pregnant and he's asked her to consider termination. Could you call us so we can speak about this'. I'm not sure if this will make my situation worse, but my Dad is now livid and obviously wants to do something. Just hope it doesn't cause more trouble.

Hi Lou, it may antagonise chutney nuts but probably only that he'll hate the fact other people are involved and will know the truth about his dispicable behaviour. At least it shows him that you are not on your own and have help etc. Hope that makes sense x

Hi Lou. Glad you had a nice day. We use to talk of moving to Cornwall to run a b&b when DD was older. We loved it there, H proposed to me on my 33rd birthday at Perranporth. We always stayed in caravans, went swimming, walking on the beach,took DD to the park, but next time I go to Cornwall (in October) it will be just me and DD staying in the same place as we spent our anniversary last year. I'm will be creating some new memories that relate to that place.

Regarding his parents, maybe they can shame him about his behaviour. If not, (like my MIL who doesn't give a toss) then you don't need them either.

I agree, all it's going to do is piss him off but can't really change anything. He will might try some weird stuff to repair his image with his parents (say you're not pregnant; say he's offered to stand up as father; say it's not his?) but, in the end, they are your STBX in-laws. They have no influence on you.

It may be feeling as if the sky will fall in if this story gets any more complicated - it won't! You really are a paragon of common sense and loveliness, and you're a thousand times better supported than ChutneyTwunt. Keep chilling with your friends, keep making choices that will improve your way forward, and keep on being you :)

Btw, one of my better resolutions for single life was to cook lovely meals for myself and eat them properly, sitting down at the table. It probably wouldn't matter if you're not much of a foodie, but it does actually give me great pleasure! Mind you, so does slamming some oven chips in when I can't be bothered I also did online shopping for a while. I'd lost track of what I like to eat; all my shopping decisions were based on what he liked. After a while, I got curious and took myself off to a huge Sainsburys to wander round, discovering what was new and re-discovering stuff I used to like. It felt weird, but very good.

Lou. The situation can,t get any worse. Can it?? And does it matter if any more trouble is caused
You didn't,t cause any trouble at all. Let your dad speak out loud and clear about his complete and utter prat of a soon to be ex son in law