Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

Lou, in light of cuntface's last e-mail, I think your priority should be to get at least an idea of where you stand legally, and what you can expect in the future.

You can't really make a decision vis a vis the pregnancy until you have a clearer idea do where you're going to be and what your options are with regard to dick-for-brains.

You are strong and clever and decent. Keep your dignity and integrity as they are worth more than gold. He didn't deserve you. You will get your happy-ever-after, just get this tosspot out of the way for now. Free half hour with a solicitor, see CAB if there are any left, and tell everyone you want to about the x, as that's cathartic and healing for you, while doing exactly what he doesn't want you to do. Small revenge in small steps. You'll be OK, and one day happiness will fly in through the window and won't go away.

Bubba, I've read all of the posts on this thread. You have derailed, made wild accusations and generally tried to undermine the support being offered to Lou IMHO, please can you just leave it now??

We have a lady who needs support here, not constant questioning and sidelong glances and wonderment that she might not have been 100% accurate with what she has said.

There are an absolute bajillion threads on this site that you could post your waffle on, why choose this one constantly??

Share the waffle equally if you don't mind, or better still, don't

hi op just adding my support to you.

When my husband walked out on us last year it was like a bereavement and I still have good days and bad days. i think that you learn to adjust to the new situation, rather than get over it all, because the shock of life never being the same again is very hard to come to terms with. but it can be an ok life - i wouldn't say life is better now, because i didn't want my husband to leave, but i have surprised myself with how i've coped and that i can have fun again and enjoy life again, so please try and remember that this will pass, and there will be happy times ahead.

I do think you've got enough on your plate right now with just getting through each day, so although you do need to make a decision about the baby, it doesn't have to be today, or even next week or the week after. So put that on the back burner and just try and focus on coming to terms with the shock you've had. Try and find a good solicitor and get things moving if you feel ready, but again it doesn't have to be today, although I think you'll feel better if you have this sorted soon. Just to see where you stand with everything. I found it very daunting, sorting out the divorce and stuff but it did give me a focus and i felt better in myself for taking the initiative. i agree with the poster who said it is better to be the petitioner. i know that my world just changed overnight when ex left and i felt i had no control over my life any more but instigating the divorce made me feel that i had a little control back.

i think you're being very brave and hope it works out for you.

Dear Lou,

You might not feel it, but you are in a strong position right now in many ways, not least with regards to having behaved decently (which I think will be important to you).

You are in the house. He has comprehensively left it. (But be careful he doesn't suddenly return the way he came, van and all perhaps or just a bag, so as to fit with whatever version of reality he is trying to play out.)

You are married and therefore have the legal rights that that brings. He is the one having an affair, and who has left to be with the OW. It doesn't so much matter at the moment who or where she is, or what they have done together in the past (although of course you want to know) - that is a distraction and you don't need to waste your energy investigating right now.

You are pregnant. Whatever happens re this in the future, at the moment this needs to be seen as part of the picture and gives you power.

You haven't engaged much with him. Therefore he doesn't know what you are thinking of doing.

He is concerned about who knows about him. You know he is having an affair and presumably have the ability to broadcast this as quickly and widely as possible.

You have a great deal of support from family, friends and colleagues.

Please use this strong position as soon as possible, to get legal advice and act to put him on the backfoot before you find out that he has been busy behind the scenes and it is you playing catchup. He could be doing anything. The manner of his leaving and the fact that he took all the papers shows that he had things worked out well in advance. For all you know he has already put things in motion re a divorce from you for - well, what could he say: unreasonable behaviour on your part? Anything, really (although the pregnancy may well have scuppered his line). The way this man appears to see the world, he could do or say anything, and it may be best for you to act now while you hold so many cards.

Morning Lou, did you slept ok?. It's a gorgeous day here and hope it is with you too.

Stay strong, you're doing so well with all the stress that's whirling around you, you're a star!

Sugarice, it's a gorgeous day here too, and seeing as I'm only a few mins drive from Lou's I'm assuming it's pretty lovely there too

That's good to hear Babylon . Definitely a day for sun cream.

Hello everyone, thank you for your advice and kind words.

My Mum slept over last night because the house is a tip so she helped with some housework and stayed over. I'm 'ok' in the evening because the exhaustion has set in, it's the mornings that are just unbearable. I'm usually awake by 5am with it all whirling in my head. He has totally abandoned me, the marriage, the house, his responsibilities, gone 'under cover' and I am outraged and devastated. And then of course I keep thinking of all the times he's been 'funny' with me over the last few weeks (which if I'm honest is probably when I suspected something has been up). But I wonder now if the affair has been going on for much longer than I've suspected, and this in itself breaks my heart. The amount of time he's accused me of questionning his job, when really I was questionning his affair and his behaviour. The weekend before he left we went out to the pub for lunch (no connection, I was trying really hard to engage with him) and he didn't have his wedding ring on. I asked him why and he shouted at me 'Because YOU piss me off'. Thinking about this, and his cruelty, and how the bastard completely turned on me (and how I let him),.... I just don't know how I'll ever trust anyone again.

Anyway, on to the practical stuff. Cousin coming today to spend the day with me. Hope to get out the house a bit, although I'm worried he may try to turn up as he'll believe I'm at work. So that is a concern. If he doesn't turn up today I doubt he'll turn up over the weekend.

Monday morning I have an appointment at the Building Society re: the mortgage, going with my Dad. Tuesday I've cancelled the appointment re: termination at the hospital (put it back another week) and am seeing a solicitor at 10am. Realise this is probably the priority and I will explain about the pregnancy and weigh up the options.

Tomorrow I have 2 friends coming over.

This is about as far as I can think - each day, each hour. I am in so much shock, but still grieving too. We used to go to Cornwall about 3 times a year for our holidays - loved it there, always dreamed of moving there. It was one of those places where I felt most connected to him and felt a real vision for us in the future. And now I've lost it, and I wonder if I'll ever be able to go to those places again. I know it sounds daft, but this is such an important part of me, and I don't know if I'll meet someone to share it with again. I feel robbed of my dreams.

Hi Lou, the more you reveal about him the nastier and more cruel he sounds. Going to the Building Society with your Dad is forward thinking, good on you, stay one step ahead of Chutney Rod!

Can you secure the house to stop him getting in , do you think he'll bother?

Try and get out in this lovely weather and get some Sun on your face.

Bubba, it's OK, don't worry about it. You are focussing too much on a side thing, so let it go, and just come back to the main point, which is how does Lou handle her WHOLE LIFE being turned upside down, ok? Focus on that.

What people are deciding is AS still looks like total narcissism to me. A narcissist views people as extentions of himself - like an arm or a leg. Lou should do what he wants, like his hand moves when he wants. So now he has shiny new OW, Lou has been discarded, and now she should obediently do what he wants as he makes her go away with the minimum of fuss with him as the nice guy in the centre of his stage.

I [not the most stupid person in the world] have taken 3 years of hard work to get this. It is so inhumane, as to be almost unbelievable, that you count this little. But it is true.

So this is what I worry about for Lou. She is currently in shock and awe. Garlic (another person who understands narcissism) I think has correctly seen that Chutney has also organised Lou's life for his benefit, and kept her financially dependent.

So Lou is having to deal with the unbelievable whilst not having the tools (she is in shock, she is used to running around after him) to deal with this new reality:

That he IS NOT YOUR FRIEND, and that you have been discarded. In a very planned way.

I think the first thing to establish is: where is he living? Where have all those jars of chutney gone? Where has he SET UP HOUSE? I think that would help with feelings of unreality.
I would also be very suspicious of the wording (counselling, temporarily moved out), and see a solicitor quick.
Then, I would get a lodger. How many bedrooms do you have? Get two.

Lou I'm going to pm you if that's ok - your latest post broke my heart x

Yes darling girl, you have been robbed of your dreams. It is so hard, and so hurtful. You NEVER deserved this, and you will also spend a lot of time grieving for the time you wasted giving your whole self to him (as you wake to the realisation to how selfish and self-absorbed he HAS ALWAYS been).

But your dreams do not define you - your reality does. Lou is a lovely girl who has friends who care about her, and that is the seed of your future dreams.

Lou please stay strong. You are doing so amazingly well. I do believe that Cornwall and other places can become special places for you. Maybe not now but one day as you rebuild your life and move forward.

Lou you have a plan for the next few days, and it's practical and sensible and will help you find your feet a bit. This is all REALLY positive.

Quite frankly, I think you're bloody Wonderwoman. Don't ever beat yourself up about the way you're feeling, what you can/cannot do, etc. You're coping better than most would in this extraoridnarily savage new reality that your fucking bastard H has brought to your doorstep. Sorry for such early morning swearing - he brings it out in me.

Morning Lou. Hope you slept well. I'm off to counselling now but will check in later and see how you are.

Loup

Your dreams are still there you just can't see them at the moment. Give it time, your dreams will change and life will be good. I know you can't see it now but trust me things will get better.

Right now list are going to be friends. So things to talk about the solicitor with.

Preganacy
House - locks
House - Mortgage
affair - reason for divorce
Communication

Theres a start.

Hope you have a good day.

You have been robbed of your dreams and you have every right to feel upset and angry about that. But dreams change during a lifetime, other, better, dreams will come along. It may not be Cornwall but there are plenty of other lovely places out there. You will build new dreams, which will be amazing ones. Your plans sound great, just take each hour at a time.

Morning Lou,

Your posts are always so coherent and you should take strength from the fact that amidst all this turmoil YOU are making complete sense and YOU are slowly and steadily working your way through this.

Moving the scan appointment and making the solicitors and building society appointments is true progress. Do you want to take someone with you to the solicitors appointment too? Perhaps Mum or Dad or a close friend? There are people you can trust and who want to help you. Keep letting them look after you.

MMMnotsure made some really strong points. YOU have LOTS of power in this situation. If you possibly can, focus on just one of those cards you hold so that you have some positive thinking in amongst all the sad feelings you hold.

And this bit might sound a bit woo woo - but you are overcome with EMOTIONS and they are part of being a very very nice person. It is OK to feel them, and the ones that hurt will pass and positive ones will come in their place. ChutneyArse is incapable of feeling emotions - he only deals in lies, deceit and himself.

Find that anger you showed us yesterday. Use it to push through the self-doubt. C'MON LOU, THE WHOLE OF MUMSNET IS BEHIND YOU xxxx

Dear Lou
I know so very well what you are feeling about your lost dreams.
I feel as though my life has been stolen from me, and given away to someone else.
We had recently retired, I had run our business for nearly thirty years, earning the money to give us a good life in retirement. But someone else will benefit from all my years of dedicated hard work, long hours, few holidays.

The OW in my case is more than twenty years younger than me, so when at her age I was working so hard, she will have a pleasant easy life, that I have grafted to provide for her.

All my dreams, that I poured so much into to make into reality, have been snatched away, and it does hurt so very much, the pain is so real, the dreadful feeling when you wake and a huge wave of loss swamps you, I know that so well, and I am sorry you are suffering it also.

You are being so brave Lou, I hope you have a good day with your cousins and gather courage for difficult days ahead. Take care.

Oh Lou that is HORRIBLE what he said to you in the pub. I keep thinking nothing we hear about this guy can shock me any more and then...

I think the practical/ legal stuff is the right thing for this week and I really hope it goes well - it also gives you a bit more 'background' processing time for the pregnancy.

What you said about Cornwall really touched me. Devon is where my heart is but other than that I think I completely get you on this. I have had to sort of disentangle previous not-so-nice boyfriends from my memories of beloved places (not in circumstances nearly as awful as yours it's true!) and I really think it can be done. Cornwall is YOUR place, not his, because you have the capacity to love and get attached to things, honestly and permanently. If he has decided to change his mind about what he is attached to (again I think the mourning analogy is a very good one) then it's his loss; he has lost going to Cornwall with you, among many, many other things. When you've recovered from this - and you will recover - the places you love will still be there waiting for you. I really think it's possible to reinvent a place's role in your future plans and dreams.

Thanks everyone, your comments have bolstered me. It's just the mornings I can't cope with, the sudden shocking reality of everything is so overwhelming. On top of 'big' decisions, there's little ones - cats need feeing, what am I going to eat, I need to shower, I need to get dressed, I need to wash up. I don't even really feel able to do any of that at the moment, although when people have been over (friends, family) they've all kind of done a bit for me that has helped.

I just wish WE (i.e. him and I) could have an honest, frank practical discussion about what we're going to do. On top of losing my marriage and my future, I hate the nastiness, the game playing, the second guessing what someone is planning to do. It's just not me at all, I don't want to live my life this way. And yet I know he doesn't deserve my honesty at the moment, so I also have to keep my cards close to my chest. This isn't who I am, and I feel he knows it and is going to take advantage of it too.

Thank you all again. Allalonenow, your post brought tears to my eyes, I'm so sorry what you've been through too. The sense of betrayal is so huge. And what pisses me off is I think I'm an honest, decent, responsible, and loving adult, and that these good traits have made it possible for him to walk all over me.

Morning Lovely Lou,

It is obvious, with the wonderful support of those around you, that you are really taking the time to process everything, and slowly making all the right decisions.

With regard to the immense grief you are feeling, sadly this is something that is inevitable. You have loved well, if not wisely. Sometimes, grief is the price we pay for love........Thinking of you, with much love.

Lou, just had to say how much I admire how you are coping. Do not expect too much from yourself ATM, my counsellor likened it to being hit by a bus and you would need intensive care - that is what you need now, intensive care.

Chutney is so far ahead in the game, he (and OW) have been planning this for weeks/months, he would have already taken legal advice (my DH did) and the reason for all his nastiness is because he has ow yanking his chain, telling him what he should be doing/saying to you (another reason to limit contact).

If you need to talk to someone in the middle of the night/early hours, please do not hesitate to ring the samaritans - I was on the phone to them for an hour at 2.00am just talking, trying to make sense of what had happened, they won't give your any advice but just having someone listen helped enormously and got me through that difficult night.

Re the pregnancy, you don't have to do anything immediately, take your time, how you are feeling and what you are experiencing now will not be the same a few months down the line and I am a firm believer in fate, why has this baby chosen to put in an appearance now and not in the previous months/years you have been trying - maybe, just maybe, this pregnancy is here for a reason .

Best wishes and one day, hour, minute at a time.

Sorry, posted too early.....

Our special place was Majorca. We had an appartment over there (he still has it, I lost it on divorce, and he is over there on holiday at the moment). I honestly thought I would never go there again, but at the beginning of July I went to Majorca with my lovely DP, and I feel that I have reclaimed the place for myself again after years and years. Your time will come again, honey. Chin up!

Oops, dunno what happened there...